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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:
BruegelTheElder · 20/10/2018 13:47

it’s not normal or healthy to live amongst filth

Was it filth and neglect, or was it dirty dishes, dog hair, and some piles of laundry? Because that's what you said in your OP (when you admitted to not going any further than the hallway). So which was it?

Oblomov18 · 20/10/2018 13:47

Salt, I find you very odd. You're posting style is prickly and abrasive.
Something I too have been accused of.
Do you have ASD too?

it's strange for an ASD mum to be so judgmental. On the SN boards, I find most mums the opposite, because of the battles they've had.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:48

My walls aren’t even painted. I’m mid way through a massive renovation. But you wouldn’t know that if you just stood in my hall and judged the fuck.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:48

(Which I’ve had to pause because I’m writing up)

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/10/2018 13:49

Loving the way the house gets more filthy and dangerous every time the op posts
Anyone would think that they were exaggerating to make an effect

FuckKnuckle · 20/10/2018 13:50

OP, you make me very sad.

You could be describing my home until about six months ago when I was finally diagnosed with an underactive (practically moribund) thyroid. Looking after the kids and pets was about the limit of what I could manage each day; on a good day I could manage a bit of ironing too. The rest of the time I spent asleep. I thought I was just depressed and an inherently lazy cow.

But we were always fed, clean and clothed, and happy. Both my DS's and my DD's partners lived with us for a while until they struck out on their own, and I have a wonderful relationship with them both now - I am very proud of them.

If you had come to my home fifteen years ago and seen the grubby kitchen floor, the drifts of dog fur in the corners and the (clean) ancient throws on the collapsing settee, would you have thrown up your hands in horror and forbidden your DC to ever cross my doorstep again? Or would you have seen past that to a mother who was struggling, but in a welcoming household full of love, support and affection?

I hope it would have been the latter, but somehow I doubt it. Sad

DisgruntledMama · 20/10/2018 13:51

Oh listen to yourselves! Stop giving the poster a hard time. You are a nasty bunch!

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 13:51

Growing up, my mum was friends with a family whose home was a tip. They were quite posh but down on their luck with four kids.

I remember being shocked at their house and my families house was definitely not pristine. Still, we never came to any harm and my mum was fine with us all going there.

neveradullmoment99 · 20/10/2018 13:52

My dd goes to her friends and this is exactly what its like - bags and rubbish everywhere, pet food etc. She doesn't care about it and neither do I. Its her friend and that is the way they choose to live. I don't have a problem with it. My dd is 11 too.

davisday · 20/10/2018 13:53

Oh listen to yourselves! Stop giving the poster a hard time. You are a nasty bunch!

Did you post this on thewrong thread?

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 20/10/2018 13:54

I wanted support. SS and Barnardo's tried to teach me to clean, but I can't learn to do anything. I don't really know how I learnt things as a child.

I'm saying don't assume mental health issues. Even DM thought I'd had a breakdown. No, I just couldn't do it.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 20/10/2018 13:55

I don't think the briefest of snapshots - either what you saw or what you told us - is enough to judge. They could be going through a bad few weeks, the bad smell could a pet accident they're struggling to find or wild animals, those can get into the walls no matter how clean you are and make a right stink or they might be doing a sort out of many things and it'll go back to normal soon. We don't know.

I mean, would you have jumped to the conclusion of possibly mentally ill and poor decision making if the house was very very clean even though compulsive cleaning is a well known part of quite a few mental illnesses? I obsessively clean when my anxiety is really bad and I know others that do the same. It's far easier for one thing to domino that results in a messy house than the many things that come together for an immaculate one.

I know many people don't take the help and it's awkward, but it teaches far more to reach out and ask people if they'd like a hand rather than make a kneejerk reaction to brush them aside as unfit.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 20/10/2018 13:57

Of course I didn't think it was okay, and my family criticising and calling me lazy didn't help. I had 3 children before I met DH. No one was invited to my house.

Original poster
salterello1 · 20/10/2018 13:58

Sorry Philomena - glad things are better for you now

OP posts:
IzzyGrey · 20/10/2018 13:59

I think you're being a bit precious. And judgemental. Also some people just have better stuff to do then keep their houses immaculate.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 20/10/2018 13:59

Thanks salt. 😊

MoistJoists · 20/10/2018 14:01

Meh, YANBU. I wouldn’t let my DC go back to a house like that, and I wouldn’t consider it a massive loss if that cost them that particular friendship. Nice child and potentially loving home notwithstanding, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable 🤷‍♀️

ADastardlyThing · 20/10/2018 14:02

"I think it could also be a sign of potential mental health problems which is none of my business and that's also something I feel uncomfortable with."

'the fuck have I just read?

Original poster
salterello1 · 20/10/2018 14:02

Moist - yes this is how I feel - just not totally comfortable with the house situation

OP posts:
IzzyGrey · 20/10/2018 14:03

Wow... Just read your other comments. Really unpleasant. I'd be more worried about a mother who was so harsh, judgemental, uptight, and who judged people based on actual (or in this case potential) mental health conditions, than a mother who was busy and had a messy house once. Wow she hadn't done her washing up or hoovered that day! So what? I really hope this post isn't real. I thought the OP was bad but your next comments? Really shocking.

RubiksQueen · 20/10/2018 14:05

You started off by saying you just saw a snapshot from the doorstep then now the whole house is uninhabitably filthy Hmm

To the poster upthread who had a messy but fun house- ours was a bit like that. And I don't wish it had been any different! My best mate's house was always pristine, no playing downstairs etc. I remember it being very sterile and stilted at her house.

I work in a community setting sometimes: I've been in a lot of houses. I have seen what 'neglect and squalor' levels of mess looks like and honestly this doesn't sound like it. It's fine, it might not be to your standards but that doesn't mean it falls into social services territory.

ADastardlyThing · 20/10/2018 14:08

Agree Izzy. I'd much rather my DC mix with salt of the earth types rather than nasty snidey people, wouldn't want those sort of attitudes to rub off on my DC, way more damaging and concerning imo.

alittlepieceofme · 20/10/2018 14:08

I have a messy house too! I'm a single mum with a demanding professional job! I do my best and if people don't like it then oh well!

You sound very a very unpleasant and sad person OP and I can guarantee that if your son ever gets married then your dil will be on here posting about you!!!!

IzzyGrey · 20/10/2018 14:10

I think OP sounds a bit like my mum. I spent my entire childhood running away from my stale, dull, spotlessly clean, soulless house and uptight mum to my friends crazy, messy, happy house full of children and animals and mess and noise! To this day I still wish I'd grown up in that kind of relaxed, happy environment instead of the "If you leave a cup in your bedroom you're grounded for a week!" house that I grew up in!

ShawshanksRedemption · 20/10/2018 14:15

Ah OP @Saltarello, this is a tough one as none of us saw the house. There is a difference between untidy and filthy but what people judge untidy is another person's filthy.

Filthy for me would be several days worth of food/dishes left on the floor, visibly dirty laundry on the floor, dog poo/dirty nappies left on the floor, that kind of thing. Dog hair I'm OK with because I have a long haired dog that sheds fur like no-ones business and I know unless I followed the mutt with a hoover there will always be dog hair somewhere in the house. Some times I'll stack the breakfast dishes by the sink, but they're washed when I get home from work.

I have been to a friends home where it was a show home, and I sat on the edge of the sofa feeling very uneasy that if I accidentally spilt my tea there'd be a hushed silence even if I cleaned up and gave a heartfelt apology. I would feel very on edge with my kids going there.

Equally I've been to a friends home where clean clothes were in piles in the living room, books/magazines all over the floor as well as toys/games, clutter everywhere, but it wasn't dirty. Nowhere to sit on the sofa as there was stuff piled on it! No problem with my kids going there.

The filthy bit would make me worry though over the parents and child, because that's not a good environment for anyone to live in.