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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:
BruegelTheElder · 20/10/2018 12:58

Ah, a classic
"AIBU?"
"Yes"
"No I'm not, I don't care, fuck you all"

PositivelyPERF · 20/10/2018 13:01

Mental illnesses can make individuals make potentially poor decisions and unpredictable though can't they

I would normally call someone so ignorant and judgmental of people with mental health problems a complete and utter arsehole, that is lacking in any empathy, but since I might get deleted for that, I’ll just say, educate yourself instead of embarrassing yourself online.

Bestseller · 20/10/2018 13:01

My experience growing up was that we all wanted to hang out at the slightly scruffy houses rather than the immaculate ones, generally much more welcoming and fun.

This does sound extreme, but if DS felt safe and wants to go back, fine.

Maybe the house is a mess because it's always full of other people's kids!

Boulty · 20/10/2018 13:02

I feel for the OP - it is not judgemental to be surprised that some people cannot manage basic hygiene, it doesn't have to be spotless but how long does it take to have a clean around. No one is that busy, we all have some time. Messy is completely different to filth and a hoarding environment.

It is not the boy's fault and I would just have him over to my home instead.

RavenLG · 20/10/2018 13:02

I think the lesson I will be teaching my child is that it is not normal to live in squalor and I am ok with that

I think the lesson you're teaching is "Mummy is a snob"

category12 · 20/10/2018 13:03

No-one is suffering.

The boy will suffer if his friends are told to keep away from his house because their parents think it's not up to standard or his parents have mental health issues. You think that has no impact on him?

Rixera · 20/10/2018 13:04

Lol, my house is like that, and will be until next month.

I have a small child & pets. I'm a student. I'm in weekly psychotherapy for my MH. My OH works long, erratic hours (working tomorrow all day again...) And no family support. When am I supposed to properly clean? I have deadlines, work until 2/3am to get my coursework done. We can usually keep dishes done and bathroom clean but sometimes even then they go a day or two before OH can help blast through them.

It's not like I want to live in mess- I just have so much to get done, there is no time to clean properly. And I'm okay with that, because next week my course finishes, and I can start to spend half the time I used for studying on cleaning again. (Half still going on interview prep...)

You have no idea at all what kind of lives the boy's parents have. No idea at all. Let them get on with what they need to, your child will not be harmed by clutter or dog hair.

SaucyJack · 20/10/2018 13:04

“So people really DO judge you on the state of your house?“

? Of course they will if there’s nowhere to sit because the sofa is covered in dirty laundry from a month ago, or there’s rotten food on the work surfaces you’re preparing food you expect them to eat.

It isn’t normal or mentally healthy to be surrounded by dirt or piles of clutter that stay there from one year to the next.

Plenty of us do, but if you’re having normal, tidy people round then you can’t be surprised if they find your cesspit shocking- rather than pleasant and welcoming.

Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 13:06

You can teach your son it is not normal to hoard or live in squalor by keeping your own house tidy. All you are teaching him by not letting him into this house, based on one quick look through the front door, is to be judgemental and to look down on people based on appearance.

I notice as the thread has progressed that you are describing this house in worsening terms, possibly to try to justify it a bit more.

Oblomov18 · 20/10/2018 13:07

"You sound like a judgmental prick." 

You've really angered Me OP.
That's rare, for a MN poster to do that to me.

iklboogiemanunderthebed · 20/10/2018 13:08

I know mental illnesses aren't contagious - that's not the issue is it? Mental illnesses can make individuals make potentially poor decisions and unpredictable though can't they?

Good grief.

itsbetterwithoutyou · 20/10/2018 13:08

OP I hope you never have to suffer any type of Mental health problems, actually no, I hope none of your loved ones ever have to suffer with mental health problems as it sounds like you would be no support to them at all and would just judge them for it.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 20/10/2018 13:08

Me too Oblomov18

PipeTheFuckDown · 20/10/2018 13:09

OP I’m embarrassed for you. You have zero awareness of a multitude of illnesses that could be a reason why the home is like that.

I’m mentally ill, my DC are well looked after. I have ASD, I’m useless at tidying and cleaning, I’m fortunate enough to afford a cleaner, many others aren’t.

Your poor DS. I can only hope your shitty attitude doesn’t rub off on him.

KC225 · 20/10/2018 13:09

Our house isn't dirty but we are renovating as place has been derelict for 30 years. Certain rooms are done, kitchen downstairs loo, kids rooms, upstairs bathroom but the rest of it - no plaster on the walls, Masonite boards on the floor in even floorboards from room to room. We have kids over, in fact next week we are giving a Halloween party - perfect as the living is currently looking like a crypt. Kids don't mind, no one has been injured or for splinters and I am not precious about anything.

Did your son have a good time? Did he get I'll?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/10/2018 13:10

Has your son just started secondary? If so you're lucky you even met the mum, with most if these new friendships at secondary school you don't get involved.

Rebecca36 · 20/10/2018 13:10

What is worrying me more than anything about this scenario is what you are going to say to your son and are you going to talk to anyone else about it? I sincerely hope you won't do the latter but you'll have to give your son some sort of explanation - which he might repeat.

Kool4katz · 20/10/2018 13:10

I think the person with mental health issues is you, OP, for being paranoid about dirt and bacteria. It's perfectly normal and good for your general health to come into contact with a variety of fairly harmless bacteria, unless you have a compromised immune system. My mum and sister are naturally clean and tidy, but I'm not. I rather sit and read a book than worry about dirty dishes piling up for a bit.

BrokenWing · 20/10/2018 13:10

There is a huge difference between an untidy lived in home which isn't spotless, has dirty dishes and laundry etc hangng about (like mine) and living in filth and squalor. The latter would set off too many red flags for me and I wouldnt let ds go back.

PipeTheFuckDown · 20/10/2018 13:10

@Oblomov18 if I said what I really think of OP I’d be banned for life.

itsbetterwithoutyou · 20/10/2018 13:10

Actually OP you disgust me, really and truly disgust me Sad

Scientistic · 20/10/2018 13:11

My ds friend's house is like this. Loveliest family, polite and friendly children. Just let him go!

RubiksQueen · 20/10/2018 13:11

All this 'the parent might be mentally ill and unpredictable'. By 11, if you have an unpredictable parent you stop taking friends home. You make excuses so that they never have to witness your parent doing something scary or embarrassing.

And no, cleaning isn't 'natural', you learn the skills of how to clean things. I've met many supposedly well educated people who can't clean because someone else always did it for them.

BruegelTheElder · 20/10/2018 13:12

Messy is completely different to filth and a hoarding environment

Of course they will if there’s nowhere to sit because the sofa is covered in dirty laundry from a month ago, or there’s rotten food on the work surfaces you’re preparing food you expect them to eat.

OP didn't go beyond the hallway. She saw some dog hair (normal), dirty dishes in the kitchen (normal) and piles of clothes and books and toys in one room. That's it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/10/2018 13:14

The thing is though, op You could albeit unintentionally of course be encouraging bullying, here. "If you say to your ds You cant go to Joeys house because his house is a mess" and next thing He goes into school saying" Joeys house it a tip dump ect ect" . And next second Joey is getting teased or even worse bullied for having a not so perfect house.
I'm not say ing your DS will way anything but We all know the way kids are, plus it could come out after a fall out.