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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:
RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 11:19

She might just be lazy,so am I. But she was nice and her son had a great time and was comfortable enough to want to go again. And I feel that's quite important.

Puddingmama2017 · 21/10/2018 11:24

Rebel. Exactly. At 11, and despite apparently being brought up in what must be a show home, the son has asked to to back so clearly has not seen the problem.

LucyMorningStar · 21/10/2018 11:25

It is also quite important not to live in a pigsty because then these boys grow up to become lazy fuckers who drive their wives up the wall with doing bugger all around the house. Anyway, that's beyond the point.

Puddingmama, is your place a health and safety hazard?

Puddingmama2017 · 21/10/2018 11:33

Nope. But it is a pigsty currently and i’m Very embarrassed by it until I have time to do it in one go rather than random bits that don’t last. ( this week thankfully as exh has the kids).

As I said before though ‘ those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.’

BlueJava · 21/10/2018 11:36

As long as you didn't detect any danger then let him go. Perhaps encourage the friend to come to your place too so it's more equal.

Dulra · 21/10/2018 12:00

Neglect is a safe guarding issue - neglect is also a possibility in this case, none of us know the answer to that

But your child isn't being neglected and if you are really concerned about it being neglect and a safeguarding issue surely your op should have been asking about reporting the family because of child protection concerns. As it wasn't I think you are being sensationalist and don't really feel your child's friend is being neglected.

Absolutely your prerogative whether you want your child to go to his friends house or not but the reasons you gave for not allowing him are a bit judgy

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 13:10

A lot of posters seem to be struggling with the difference between a bit mess and untidy - which is probably very typical and normal, to filthy and disgusting which is not typical or normal.

Regardless of possible MH issues, some people choose to live like this because they are down right lazy - which of course is there choice.

I would invite the child over to my house instead.

BruegelTheElder · 21/10/2018 13:47

A lot of posters seem to be struggling with the difference between a bit mess and untidy - which is probably very typical and normal, to filthy and disgusting which is not typical or normal

Probably because OP herself described the house as a bit messy and untidy. It was only when everyone told she she was being unreasonable that she suddenly said it was a disgusting filthy infested hovel.

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 14:01

Bruegel

The original post says the house was 'dirty' and 'hadn't been cleaned in a while', this would suggest more than a bit untidy or a bit of clutter.

I think saying 'filthy' and 'disgusting' was used later on as a lot of posters weren't quite understanding the dirt or filth element rather than the untidiness and clutter.

I think a lot of people are just using the word 'judgemental' because maybe they themselves live in a tip / hovel.

Call it judgemental or whatever you like, the fact of the matter is we all get a 'feeling' when we are in a situation which we don't feel entirely comfortable with.

BruegelTheElder · 21/10/2018 14:10

Call it judgemental or whatever you like, the fact of the matter is we all get a 'feeling' when we are in a situation which we don't feel entirely comfortable with

Yeah, the whole thread is a bit pointless really. Everyone has their own threshold, and it's impossible to know whether OP has set her threshold too high or not without actually seeing the house, since her descriptions are so vague and varied.

corythatwas · 21/10/2018 15:58

Brussels is right, we can't possibly know from the evidence. And if the OP wouldn't want her ds to drink water or go to the loo that means very little either as long as we don't know what the OP's standards are.

What we can get from her posts, though, is that it hasn't occurred to her, and still isn't occurring to her to involve her 11yo son in this discussion in any way.

corythatwas · 21/10/2018 16:04

Sorry, Bruegel, even. I knew it was continental, somehow. Blush

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 16:16

@Puddingmama2017 you obviously live in a messy and dirty house then to make such stupid comments. And that's your choice

Puddingmama2017 · 21/10/2018 17:36

Messy yes. Grin incredibly so.

Dirty no, have waaaaaaay too much of an addiction to zoflora for it to be dirty.

Couldn’t give less of a shit for your invalid opinion though. No one’s judging me.

penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 17:50

You're being a snob.

LouisaRossini · 21/10/2018 18:32

How is a snob someone who doesn’t like dirt and filth?

anniegranny · 21/10/2018 19:05

I remember picking my daughter up from a birthday party and she whispered to me " mum their toilet is really smelly"! Kids will tell you if they noice a dirty house and don't like it. In the meantime I'd let him carry on going.

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 19:13

@penisbeakers you need to look up what the word snob means

Weathermonger · 21/10/2018 19:58

At one point we had 3 kids, 2 dogs, 4 cats, 6 rabbits, 3 guinea pigs, 4 frogs and 7 hamsters in a small house (although rabbits were in outside hutch) The place was never tidy, and yes we had pet hair on the floors, scuff marks and fingerprints on the walls and piles of laundry on the chairs and dirty dishes in the kitchen, and usually craft supplies, and projects and home work on the dining room table, but the areas that mattered to hygiene and health were kept clean. My kids friends were always at our house, day and night. They loved the animals and the freedom and the fact I didn't mind if they made a mess when playing. Parents were sometimes visibly taken aback when they'd arrive to pick up their kids and saw the chaos and mayhem. Ten years later the house is far tidier and we have way fewer pets, but those same "kids" visit and still sleep over too, and reminisce about the fun they used to have. The OP needs to stop judging this family from one short glimpse into their home/life.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 21/10/2018 20:07

marks and fingerprints on the walls and piles of laundry on the chairs and dirty dishes in the kitchen,*

😷

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 21/10/2018 20:08

I think those of you commenting that your house is oh so messy but your children are oh so happy are implying that those of us with higher housekeeping standards have miserable children, not the case. My hoover is out daily and my kids manage not to be depressed.

Weathermonger · 21/10/2018 20:33

@EvePolastriSorryBaby Not implying at all that messy houses = happy children or clean houses = miserable children. You're putting words in my mouth. My house is far cleaner now and kids still living at home are just as happy (and assist with the housework) You chose to miss the point that a messy house with pets - by intent or in my case not by choice but due to dibilitating arthritis - does not mean that children (as the OP implies) are in imminent danger of illness or harm. The parents of my children's friends probably had far cleaner houses than mine and their offspring led perfectly happy lives BUT that did not stop them from enjoying the freedom that comes from playing with the animals and not having to worry about making a mess in our house.

sonandhelpneeded · 21/10/2018 20:41

@Weathermonger my kids loved parents like you, although I would've struggled with the frogs, horrible things 🤣

Weathermonger · 21/10/2018 20:47

@sonandhelpneeded They are very small - African Dwarf Frogs - with an average lifespan of 18 months, however 8 years later two are still hanging in. However a friend was looking to rehome a Ball Python, and my son took possession of her this week - I expect to see fewer friends dropping by as a result 😉

QueenOfMyWorld · 21/10/2018 20:49

Dh friend house is v v messy and dirty BUT we left my ds 4 with him for half and an hour yesterday because we like and trust him,how people keep their house may not be to your taste but it doesn't make them people for your child to avoid.You are being U