Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

331 replies

salterello1 · 20/10/2018 12:10

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

OP posts:
BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 08:48

@PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth oh come on! Most people know how push a hoover round and wipe a cloth over a surface. Unless we are going to go down the well worn path of MH issues somehow preventing them knowing

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 08:53

I know how to push a hoover around.

I can’t do it.

How would you know that standing at my front door looking in when you’ve never met me?

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 09:24

As I said upthread, BatFace, I have no MH issues. I have ASD, and cannot learn things. SS and Barnardo's thought they could teach me how to clean, they couldn't. You don't know why people live in squalor without asking.

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 09:49

Clearly we are excepting mental health issues, young adults leaving care and other disabilities aren't we? They are valid reasons and completely understandable

MOST PEOPLE live in a shit tip because they can't be bothered

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 09:52

That's much better than how you put it earlier. I don't like being labelled as having MH issues, or as not caring about the environment my DC are brought up in. ASD is not an MH issue.

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 09:55

I know that ASD is not a MH issue so I didn't mean to 'lump that in' with it. Apologies if I gave that impression

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 09:56

Bat. You haven’t answered my point about how the op would know I’m disabled from my front hall?

LucyMorningStar · 21/10/2018 09:58

OP I honestly don't understand why people are giving you hard time, calling you judgmental, snobby and whatever else. I wouldn't want my child in a pigsty either.

Invite the other boy to yours instead and ignore the 'my house is a tip because I'm making memories blah blah' crowd. This kind think if you like an uncluttered house that is not covered in pet hair you must have OCD or something. Weirdos.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 21/10/2018 09:59

It's not normal to live in a total tip. I'm far from houseproud but piles of clutter everywhere and dirty dishes in the sink is grim.

Oartistic · 21/10/2018 10:01

Never judge someone by their house.
I know many people with spotless houses who are cunts

Well said, @whoisshequestionmark

corythatwas · 21/10/2018 10:05

OP, I think you may have to start thinking about how you handle your 11yo son. He is growing up, in a few years he will be a teenager and have to make serious decisions about everyday life himself, and after that it's surprising how quickly it goes, to the time when he has to make all decisions about himself. This is a good time to start practising gently, by letting him see how he feels about this friend and his house.

He's not a tiny baby you have to protect, if the walls are dirty he is hardly going to go licking them. And even if there were MH issues that prevent the house owners from tidying, those MH issues don't constitute any kind of danger to your big preteen son: again he is not a helpless baby who depends on them for survival. It's not the case that there is one kind of MH issue only and that someone who has one MH disorder has them all. Absolutely no correlation between e.g. depression (which might make somebody untidy) and any illness which might make somebody violent or prone to dangerous decisions.

This is a good time for him to start developing his radar of "this is a nice family, just happen to do things differently to us" or "I don't feel comfortable in this place, there's an odd feeling about it". To realise that he is growing into a person in his own right, that his social life is not just going to be about "what my mum would like" but eventually more and more about "what I like".

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 10:07

Can someone please answer how would know from standing at my front door that

  • I am disabled
  • I am in the middle of a massive house renovation that is stalled until after Christmas.
formerbabe · 21/10/2018 10:13

dirty dishes in the sink is grim

Are dirty dishes in the sink grim?! Confused

I concede dirty dishes left for days in the sink is grim...however, my dishwasher is on and so the breakfast plates, cups and mugs are sitting in the sink until it's finished and can be put in dishwasher. Is that grim?

Sometimes I make dinner, leave dirty cooking utensils in sink then sort out after we've eaten. I don't think that's grim.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 10:19

I’ve just put a plate and cup in the sink. I don’t have a dishwasher (but will do when the kitchen is re done - see post about renovation) and I’m not heating hot water for one cup one teaspoon and a small side plate.

Is that really so odd?

Sugarformyhoney · 21/10/2018 10:19

Regardless of mess in a year or two your son will make his own plans and own arrangements to see his friends. It’s actually eeally embarrassing at that age for a parent to allow and not allow friendships.
Do you have a job, hobbies etc? I think maybe you need to broaden your horizons because you sound quite precious and controlling- this will not serve your dc well moving into secondary school

BatFacedOK · 21/10/2018 10:23

@ftfoawygtfosm I can't answer that question though? It's impossible for me to do so

To reiterate, MH issues, disabilities and other extenuating circumstances aside, it is not normal to live surrounded by filth. I responded to the OP with these extenuating circumstances not a consideration for what she described.

Would I be happy about my 11 year old going to this house? Probably not - if have to see it for myself though. Would I be judging? Yes - but inwardly not outwardly. Would I earned the invite to my home instead? Yep

ineedaholidaynow · 21/10/2018 10:24

Re dirty dishes, we have a dishwasher, so anything that can go in the dishwasher will go in there after every meal. However, there will always be something that can't. If there are only a coupe of things, they will be left until the evening when we will wash up anything that can't go into the dishwasher. I think it is a waste of water to wash things up as you go through the day, unless there is a huge pile.

Thenewdoctor · 21/10/2018 10:28

Butnthe op didn’t take the time to even TALK to the woman.

And I love that the woman is getting the blame. No dad in the picture then?

Puddingmama2017 · 21/10/2018 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 10:42

We leave dirty dishes on the worktop, then put them in the sink to soak, then wash them up. No dishwasher.

LucyMorningStar · 21/10/2018 10:52

Puddingmama what the actual fuck? How dare you call OP an arse of a mother? Seriously why the fucking he'll would you do that?

Puddingmama2017 · 21/10/2018 10:57

Because how dare she judge someone she does not know, with no real understanding of the situation ( which could be physical/mental health based and thus there could be restrictions to what is achievable) and then think it’s acceptable to throw around terms like neglect. And she’ll pass on that prejudice to her son by not allowing him to decide for himself if he’s comfortable there and possibly ruin what could be a good friendship for him.

Tell me again why she’s NOT an absolute arse? Smile

Portobellae · 21/10/2018 11:05

You know what, I think I know exactly what the OP is going through.
When I was a child, my Mum wouldn’t let us go to a neighbour’s house and told us not to get too close to the children there.
Of course, being kids, we didn’t understand and thought Mum was being a bit snobby.
The truth of the matter was that the house was filthy, like the way the OP, described. The children had lice, nits, impetigo and were put out to play when they had chicken pox or whatever contagion they currently suffered.
Their Dad worked with my Dad and earned a similar, maybe better wage. Both our Mums were SAHM.
We were all working class and lived on the same street.
I think the Mum drank. Anyway the children ended up in care. They had been badly neglected, underweight, poorly dressed.
Mum used to give them sandwiches sometimes.
I think their Mum ended up sectioned. It was all many years ago.

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 21/10/2018 11:08

I would agree with Rolla, if I wouldn't want my child to get a drink of water or use the loo, I wouldn't let them go.😬
Mess- I don't mind at all. Dirt- another matter. I would say that huge clumps if dog hair equals dirt. And I have a dog!

EvePolastriSorryBaby · 21/10/2018 11:16

Especially your son with his arse of a mother

Wow!! Nice.

I don't get why everyone pussy foots around the issue and brings up the fact that the messy householder might have MH issues?
She might just be a lazy arse who does sod all, all day.

I think what the OP has described is more than just mess that anyone would overlook.
It sounds like a cesspit and I would also have reservations about my children playing there, eating, using the loo etc.

Totally reasonable for us all to be to busy to get on top of a few days housework- I'm sure we've all flopped into bed of a night and the house is looking less than desirable, but I don't believe children should live in dirt or squalor.