to allow DS 11 to go to friends again?

[salterello1]

My DS (11) has made friends with someone in school and he went there for tea yesterday, his friends mum collected him from school and I collected my DS from the friends house later on.

I was a bit a bit shocked when I collected him at the state of the house. There was just stuff and clutter everywhere, it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while.

Although I didn't venture in more than the hallway, I could see dirty plates piled up in the kitchen and a couple of dogs out the back, there was clumps of dog hair all up the stairs.

I could also see into one of the other down stairs rooms and there were piles of clothes and toys books and just general stuff everywhere - you could barely see the floor.

Mum seemed very nice, but I feel uncomfortable about my DS going into a house which was in this state. He wants to go there again this week AIBU to try and discourage it?

Which is why I don't believe a word the op is saying

What about if someone has mental health issues but their home is sparkling? Than it’s OK?

SaucyJack some people have social workers as part of their medical team. DS 28 has had one since he was diagnosed at 5. It's so he's aware of anything he can claim.

I'd feel the same way op - and probably encourage playing at my house. I'm the other way and take pride in keeping my home nice and clean and tidy, so what you describe would make me judge too. I'd never say anything of course but some posters seem to forget that we are all allowed to think whatever we like privately .

Wow. How judgemental.

I hope my post stayed up long enough for the OP to read it, before it was deleted.

@MereDintofPandiculation

it was dirty and looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while

you could barely see the floor.

hoarder type filthy

dirty walls, unpleasant smell

Dirty walls and you can’t really see the floor, dog hair everywhere.. that’s not mess! That’s vile and filthy!

I can't work out how the op saw all that from the hall.

You sound deeply unpleasant, but I suspect that was the intention

I don't understand these responses. The description sounds deeply unhygienic. I would not let my child spend time there either. The other child would be welcome to play here instead.

My son's best friend's house is like this- I just send him in clothes that don't pick up the dog hair and give him a damn good scrub when he gets home! They are lovely people just different from me.

FWIW my best friends house when we were kids was an absolute shit hole, literally filthy, junk & crap all over the place. Her parents were (still are) the nicest people ever - they just didn't give a toss about cleanliness or order. Did I prefer my nice clean home? Yes of course I did. But is she still my best friend & do I love her & her parents? Sure do!! Different horses for different courses

I don’t think OP was questioning how nice the people were, just surprised and understandably disgusted by the living conditions

The people who are offended are clearly the people who live in utter tips. And I find it strange that automatically it's assumed that dirty house equals a mental health issue. To me it just indicates someone who doesn't care about the environment their bring their kids up in

I make no judgements about how lovely the people are - I'm sure they're really nice. But I'm allowed to take one look and extend all invites in future to my house

badcat666

Can we go back in time & will you invite me over please! 😊

OP your DS is 11 years, not months, a bit of dirt won’t hurt him. Pick your battles, this is not one you need to win.

The description sounds deeply unhygienic

Which part sounds deeply unhygienic?

Sounds like an absolute hovel

A hovel you can see in detail from just inside the front door.

Rebecca - I think it depends on the layout. I remember in my SIL’s house once you stepped inside the front door the stairs was straight ahead, slightly to the right of the stairs down a short hallway was the kitchen- which you could see directly towards the sink, and there was also a room to the left of the stairs which if the door was open could see quite a lot of that room too.

It really doesn’t take much time (or space) to process clutter, mess and dirt. It’s pretty instant.

I suppose so, I'm just not terribly observant. I could visit someone for years and not be able to tell you the colour of the carpet. That's just me though.

OP: “AIBU?”
Most respondents: “yes, and also judgemental and snobby”
OP: “well thats made me more convinced that I’m right”
Most respondents: “eh? That makes no sense.”

We have relatives who are really filthy. We used to itch when we walked into their house.

BatFaced and maybe they just don't know how to do it.

I think we all get first impressions though and I just didn't feel at all comfortable.

Then my advice to You is don't go there to play

But as your DS doesn't mind and ISNT uncomfortable, HE can go there to play

You might also want to consider that everyone is different and that it's what's in people's hearts which matters

Not whether their house is tidy and clean

I know people with beautifully clean and tidy houses who are judgemental and quite unpleasant 

Wow OP your gut instinct is amazing. You stood at a door and diagnosed mental health issues, poor decision making and safeguarding issues! You should volunteer your services to the common good. Maybe the police can drive you around and you can tell them who is a danger to their children as soon as your gut pings.