To discipline her kids if she can’t?

[MrsA2015]

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

I don’t know why you’re givibg them seperate treats before everyone else

I think i would be irritated at 4 kids over 10 hovering round two adults talking, and swooping like vultures at food that wasn’t meant for them.

I think it would make way more sense to just get all the food out and sit everyone at the table. Then after eating you could chat over some tea.

"Am I the only one who gets where op is coming from?"

No, I get it.

I can't see the problem with kids & adults having different things tbh.

If I've bought something to share with a friend & something for the kids to have, I don't see why they should have their stuff &then some of ours as well!

You go out for a meal and your kid decides they don't like the meal they've ordered so you have to sacrifice your dinner.

Who does this? They get a choice, same as the parents, they live with it.

Or your pudding because your gready little angel has eaten all theirs and wants more.

Again I don't know anyone who does this. A spoonful to taste, sure, but not more.

But the idea of 'nice' stuff for the adults and second tier stuff for the kids doesn't sit well with me at that age. They're not second class citizens.

I don't think it's treating kids like 2nd class citizens to not always get them the same stuff.

Especially when talking about sweets/chocolate.

If they want some chocolate to gobble down-why wouldn't you just get them a bar for example rather than a box of truffles just because that's what you're having?

@lauriemarlow it’s not that I’m treating them as lesser citizens, I wouldn’t give them them anything I wouldnt have myself. I’m not buying them them the cheap value stuff and saving finest best for us. It’s just different, Its a frangipane tart Vs a bag of maltesers scenario.id have thought they’d go for the maltesers!

And to everyone else saying I take too much, I don’t see them often. I don’t take toys and gift items and it’s completely up to Mum what they’re allowed to have, because it’s a rare visit they’ll have the lot “because MrsA bought it for you” and they love it. It’s just the after bit that’s annoyed my the last couple of times where they’re then helping themselves to everything else.

@diddle they have their own bars or packets to stop squabbles as per request of Mum. I take Share bags of crisps though and they happily have those.

This is a very strange thread.

Anyway, I would only take one cake, big enough for everyone. Everybody has one piece and that's that. Gets rid of the children vs adult treats business and will highlight that they are being greedy if they come back trying to take your share.

My kids, who are a lot younger than 10, always have what we're having. There's no concept of 'kids food' in my house (apart from booze related )

I know I'd prefer a frangipani tart to malteasers with a cup of tea. I don't think it's staggering that a teenager would. And part of the problem is that you're creating the concept of 'forbidden' adult treats, which are tempting simply because they're not for them.

I just think you solve a lot of problems by giving everyone the same.

Maybe if you didnt feed her kids up with entire chocolate bars and snacks first then they wouldnt be so energetic and annoying.

If you brought sandwiches or some pasta salad to share, they might not be half as sugared up, or as interested in what youve still got

I'm going to go against the grain and say from the original post YANBU

The kids sound rude or rather just totally lacking in social skills and undisciplined because the mother lets them just do whatever they want

How I read it you meet up at a friends house to have a chat with coffee and cake and maybe a few nice premium chocolates , the friend has kids and you thoughtfully take a selection of chocolates they might enjoy, they take them, go to their rooms scoff the lot them expect to raid what the adults are eating ?

This sounds like an ladies afternoon 'tea party ' and I wouldn't expect husbands or kids to come barging in and rudely interrupt unless it was very important

A few days ago there was a thread about courses for children to go on to learn etiquette , sounds like the mother might need to send them on this and maybe join them

@branleuse you clearly haven’t read the thread or are being purposely stupid. I’ve mentioned countless times it’s after dinner or lunch I’m taking about ffs

I’m quite uncomfortable with the idea of palming children off with ‘treats’ and expecting them to get out of the way, in their own house, if that is not what their parents have taught them to do. Just don’t go to the house, OP, if you don’t like the house rules.

I’m even more uncomfortable with the terminology: ‘My house is a free for all and they love coming to the extent I’ve been asked not to put so many treats down as they have too much of it.’ ‘Putting treats down’ is what one does for dogs, and even dogs expect interaction to be part of the deal.

That’s quite a lot of crap to be shovelling down yourselves tbh. I would struggle to eat all that, and what, you cook a main meal beforehand too? Who needs a sharing bag of crisps, a twix and a haribo after their lunch or dinner?

Can you have social time with your friend that doesn’t revolve around food? If you were being honest, would you say you/she/respective dcs were overweight?

^bag of haribo

I don't think I'd want you to come round any more.

@madambutterface none of us are overweight, the family are healthy eaters and as it’s a “special occasion” if you like they’re allowed their treat allowance for the week on the day I come round.

@mostdays yeah let’s throw away 10 years of friendship over cake. Don’t talk wet

I will guarantee that no 13 year old is sticking to a treat allowance 😂😂 especially not if they travel to school

Since you don’t think YWBU why did you ask?

They’ve got iPads and books which they bring also an entire craft cupboard that I allow them to do whatever with a garden and park across the street. Usually ending in tears because they’d like to stay the night.

If 10-13yos are having tears because they don't want to leave when they've been doing craft and ipads there's obviously a lot more to it than your cakes. I don't think I've had tears because they don't want to leave since aged about 6yo (except when it was a family moving abroad which is a bit different)

Unless the next person they're going on to see locks them in the basement I suppose...

You just bring one cake and give it to the host. That's it.

She is the host and she decides what goes on in her home. She decides for her children what they eat- you have nothing else to do except be a polite guest. If you don't like how things are done then you stop going/adjust what you bring.