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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discipline her kids if she can’t?

275 replies

MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 07:56

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 20/10/2018 11:10

If you bring a gift of cake (or whatever), I think YWBU to dictate who gets it and how it's distributed among the family.

I do think it's rude for the DC to take the last piece and for their mum not to say anything as you're the guest, but it's up to the host to treat you well because you're the guest - not for you to assert your rights as one.

ADastardlyThing · 20/10/2018 11:10

You sound pretty rude IMO. There is no way I'd allow you to 'discipline' my kids if they did this. I am obviously way more relaxed about food than you though tbf.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 11:15

@gingerrogered where do I say I want them to stay in their rooms? They don’t come around us unless there’s snacks out otherwise they’re glued to screens or out in the garden. As if I’m going to expect them to not pop in or even come to show us things.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2018 11:18

I think if you are simply asking about etiquette then at present your friend is in the wrong as she is sending a guest home hungry - she is not providing enough sweet food for you but seems to be relying on your hostess gifts for all six of you. Her children are snacking on all the food and not leaving enough for you to eat,

She is sending her guest home hungry and disappointed.

As a guest in some one else’s house it would be rude of you to tell the children off for eating food in their house, or to comment on the poor hosting. You brought the food as a gift, it is no longer yours so you can not dictate who eats it.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 11:20

This is what I mean by our bit of cake. HALF the amount in the picture and some chocolate. Whilst they’ve had bits n pieces and sometimes a whole cake too similar to in the pic.

NOT MY PICTURE

clearly everyone’s skipping my posts and assuming I’m expecting them to be starved and sent away out of sight.

To discipline her kids if she can’t?
OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 20/10/2018 11:21

So don’t get all the treats out till the adults are ready to sit down. Get everything out at the same time. Mine would prefer the adult snacks anyway

alfiesmam · 20/10/2018 11:22

Who’s house are these gatherings in ?

I see “ fun house “ mentioned a few times - OP if these gatherings are in your house then the older kids are probably bored shitless with 3year old toys - I know if I visit and my DCS have nothing to do they tend to hover around me ( trying to give me the hint to leave )
Just meet her when kids in school

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 11:23

@dollymixture22 Not going hungry at all. She’s a brilliant cook and always serves well. As do I. I always bring the treats, I’m known for it.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 20/10/2018 11:24

Why do the kids get lesser treats? They aren’t toddlers.

Get one large nice cake only and get it out when the adults and kids can sit down together. Divide the whole thing up equally between the kids and adults. You can do the dividing and give out the plates

Bambamrubblesmum · 20/10/2018 11:26

I think you are getting an unnecessary hard time here OP.

You want to enjoy something nice and grown up with your friend and are trying to distract the herd with decoy treats only its not working. That doesnt make you mean or nasty!

Think you need a new strategy and i think blunt is is the way to go. Walk in and say to them all 'right ive brought some lovely treats for your mum to enjoy whilst we talk about boring adult stuff. I'm going to bribe you to let her enjoy them in peace by giving you everything in this bag - deal?' You could do it in a jokey semi serious way.

Usually works for me. Then everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 11:26

@alfiesmam not usually at mine but when they aren’t playing with 3yr old toys. They’ve got iPads and books which they bring also an entire craft cupboard that I allow them to do whatever with a garden and park across the street. Usually ending in tears because they’d like to stay the night.

So nope, probably not “bored shitless”

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/10/2018 11:26

If there's four over the age of ten then the minimum age of the eldest is 14...I'm amazed they are still accompanying their mother to her friends house for lunch. Teenagers don't do this do they?!

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 11:30

@formerbabe twins 10 a 12 yr old and a 13yr old. They live over 500miles away and come to London to see family and friends.

OP posts:
TrippingTheVelvet · 20/10/2018 11:30

Why can you not buy two of those cakes instead of bags of sweets/crisps?

Witchend · 20/10/2018 11:30

I've always preferred dark chocolate, as do 2 of my dc. It's not always just for adults.

Bluelonerose · 20/10/2018 11:33

Op I get it. I have 3 dc and they are not allowed my posh chocolates/cake.

In my house everyone has their own treat bucket. If they want to fill it with cheap treats that's what they've picked. They can bugger off having mine I wouldn't have there's.

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 11:33

@formerbabe twins 10 a 12 yr old and a 13yr old. They live over 500miles away and come to London to see family and friends

Oh that makes sense then

AjasLipstick · 20/10/2018 11:33

Tripping Exactly. Why not buy less of the crap and more of the "good" stuff? Then the children can have that.

Seems generally like far too much anyway...especially after lunch.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/10/2018 11:34

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

Why are you hell bent on not sharing with them? Why not just double up on what you've taken, so you won't have to get all cat bum faced and cross?

Honestly from your first post it doesn't seem like you approve of this woman or her kids to me no matter how you protest in doing.

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 11:34

They are too old for separate kids food. At that age, I'd have eaten what the adults were having.

Fatasfook · 20/10/2018 11:34

OP doesn’t share food! 😂

formerbabe · 20/10/2018 11:35

They sound bored too.

alfiesmam · 20/10/2018 11:36

Honestly you don’t seem to understand older children they don’t confirm like a 3 year old Confused

Best thing to do is meet your friend when her DCS aren’t around and scoff the grown up treats in comfort

LaurieMarlow · 20/10/2018 11:43

Just get enough nice food for everyone, job done.

Honestly, this isn't anything like the big deal you're making of it.

MasterSensei · 20/10/2018 11:45

Am I the only one who gets where op is coming from?
I can't stand the idea that a lot of parents seem to have where kids get given everything. It's like as soon as we become parents God forbid we fancy a nice chocolate and a bit or coffee cake!
You go out for a meal and your kid decides they don't like the meal they've ordered so you have to sacrifice your dinner.
Or your pudding because your gready little angel has eaten all theirs and wants more.

She purchased quite a lot of sweets and chocolate for the kids to eat which they did happily I'd imagine. Then all she wants to do is have a nice cuppa with a friend with something she likes to eat without getting swarmed by a hord of locusts who have been taught that because they're kids they just get it because as adults we have to sacrifice everuthing for them.
I feel you op