To discipline her kids if she can’t?

[MrsA2015]

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

So just to confirm, these kids are wandering around deceiving their mum and stealing food off her plate? Nah, op you are NOT being unreasonable. You bring treats for you, and treats for the kids. I’d be saying, “hey! You had yours, let your mum and me have mine!”
Why would they sit at the table with you? They want to listen to chat about Brexit, it’s hat happened to Sheila from sixth form, and your brothers trouble with the car? Which is the boring stuff adults chat about. I’m really surprised so many people are being so horrible.
And it’s beside the point, but of course there are adult treats and kids treats, that why some stuff has cartoon characters on the wrapper! Not that there is anything wrong with a grown up eating Percy Pigs 😂

If a friend visited me and gave my kids a bunch if sweets/cake and they went up to thier rooms to eat them i would not expect them to come back and help themselves to all the stuff my friend had brought for me and her to share too.

Thats rude and greedy.

I wonder how many posters who were looking forward to a nice cuppa and chat to someone they havent seen in ages would be ok if thier kid came and took the bit of cake that was left for them?

Op has said she brungs lots of treats and cake for the kids that they ate happy to tske away and scoff. Why the freak should they then come back and scoff ops cake too and leave her with nothing?

At 10+ they should surely have learned mannesrs by now. My kids would be told to bugger off they had thiers now ots our turn.

Op isnt sendung them away while she scoffs 'good cake' they chose to take what she brings them up to thier rooms but then come back for more.
Only in mn world its a crime for adults to have treats or a bit of time just to sit and chat with a friend without kids hovering around taking stuff that is for someine else.

I dont suppose for a minute they are desperate to join in the conversation they just want the cake/sweets as well as what they have already had.
As pp said you wouldnt start eating off someone else's plate once you finished your dinner so why is it ok for older kids to do this to op? She has brought them lots of food and some for her and her friend but ends up with sfa cos her kids take it all!
No wonder kids have such a semse of entitlement these days. 'What's mine is mine and whats yours is mine too'.

I'm with you, Op.

They've had a treat & now you want yours.

Plus to be able to chat with your friend. They're old enough to not keep interrupting unless it's really important.

I need to apologise, OP, have just remembered I bought some expensive chocolate truffles a few weeks ago, ate a couple, ten left. Thought there's no way I'm leaving these in fridge where 2 teenaged boys can mindlessly loot them and I HID THEM where they wouldn't find them. Yes, thanks,delicious.

I would expect my kids to ask before helping themselves, but appreciate that in their own home some people don't have this rule.

But on the other hand, I'm confused. Surely if you take a cake, cut it into 6 or 8 slices, there is enough for everyone to have a slice anyway? Personally, I wouldn't take anything else other than the cake. Slice each, job done, everyone happy.

Thing is, if you buy somebody a present (of a cake/chocs etc) you don't then get to decide how they distribute it. That's not his gift giving works.

I would say"Hoi, youve had yours, these are for the grown ups!". But really I wouldn't care

I SEe her every 3 months due to the nature of her work and where she lives. Again, nobodies business

you expect to go round someone elses house who has 4 kids in the house and for them to leave you alone and not bother you at all? LOL

We don't really do 'treats' - food is just food for anyone who is there

I get you op, ignore all the deliberately obtuse posters.

She should be discipling there kids for interrupting and also for just walking up and helping themselves to treats that aren't theirs, especially as they've had their own.

I'd say something. Even if only a jokey 'oi, leave some for everyone else' to start with.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT DINNER FOOD IT IS ABOUT SNACKS AFTERWARDS.

And I think two mugs of tea and a tea plate of cake and a small box of chocolates in indication enough that it’s not a “spread” especially when the cake is literally as big as the TEAPLATE. If it were a huge family chocolate cake and bowls and plates of stuff out then I’d be the stupid bitch whining about them dipping in.

Come on people

Yes you would BU to discipline her children over this

I would have a huge problem with a friend who treated my children like this. As I understand it, you go to their house and expect them to stay in their rooms while you are there so you can be alone with their mother?

That’s incredibly rude and just not how family homes work. At that age I wouldn’t expect children to sit for a few hours listening to adult conversation, but I certainly wouldn’t expect them to be confined to their rooms. If children at that age come into the room, it’s normal to to welcome them and include them in the conversation for a while. No wonder they’re ‘hovering’, they probably think it’s weird they’re being ignored!

At that age children can be included in adult conversation for a while then wander off to do their own thing, especially if said friend said she not just liked but loved my kids. Has it also not occurred to you that if they love coming to yours and think it’s a funhouse and you give them bags of treats that these children actually like you and want to come in and talk to you for a while and have a bit of cake and a chat too?

I think you’re making a common mistake that parents of younger children often make. You’re behaving as if secondary age children are at the same level as your little one. You can quite happily send 3 yos to play in their rooms with toys for a few hours and they won’t be in the slightest bit interested in what the adults are doing, but older children want to come in and say hi. The other thing is that you can give 3 yos separate food and they won’t mind or notice. For older children nothing makes something more attractive than being told they can’t have it.

For you to be annoyed children are going into their room in their own house and not wanting them around when you’re chatting with their Mum. And you certainly shouldn’t discipline them.

When children that age are in the house then if you want their Mum’s undivided attention you need to go out. It sounds like you are not adjusting well to your friend’ children not being little kids anymore.

This clearly isn't about the food at all. It's about you and your friend having some time to chat without the kids there and you using snacks to try and achieve this.

However. YABU to think you can discipline her kids when she herself doesn't think there's a problem with their behaviour.

If you take treats for you and your friend to share (as her friend does when she visits op) and have already given her kids treats for themselves then you dont expect her to let her kids eat it all so you dont get any!
Thats hardly an acceptable way to treat a guest.

There are some utterly bonkers people on this thread in this weird MN world. Of course it is absolutely fine for you to sit with your friend, chat in peace and eat whatever you want and to tell the kids that they are not allowed any. They’ve already had sweets and god knows what ffs. And there is no difference between adult and children ‘treats’, I eat Haribo at the age of 40 just as easily as i’d eat a truffle - the idea that at the age of 13 or whatever you’ve progressed from haribo to ‘adult’ treats is making me laugh.

@gingerrogered I actually can’t believe you started your post like that. Read the post then respond accordingly

It’s also strange how discipline equates to being nasty with so many of you? It’s doesnt translate to shouting and slapping or bullying. Just a nice reminder to children on behavior.

Why did you ask if YABU? You obviously don't think you are so why waste a whole thread on it.

You surely don’t expect anyone to upset their kids on here? Surely we all love their grabby selfish ways?

I seem to be out of step here but my kids have been trained to always ask before taking food unless it's something we have an agreement they are allowed to help themselves too like the fruitbowl and they always check that everyone's had a biscuit if there's only one left in the packet. I would definitely say something if they tried to take food I put out for visitors. I count not being greedy as good manners! It also saves arguments as no one of them gets more than the others. I think I must be terminally old-fashioned.
Bit more complicated with other people's children in their house, you probably need to try a different tack.

I understand OP.

It would be the same situation even if the treats were the same - if the children had already had their slice of cake as pudding but you and friend decided to wait until the cuppa was ready, it would be really rude of them to come and help themselves to more.... I think it's just bad manners. The mum should tell them not to be so rude but unfortunately it's not your place to do that.

I can’t see what you’re objecting to. You want them to stay in their rooms and keep out of your way while you talk to their Mum. You’ve repeatedly said you want to be on your own with their Mum for an adult chat and food. You’re in their house. You’re being rude.

And nothing makes children of that age want things more than it being something forbidden!

If you want to have a quiet adult chat with adult only food, go to a cafe! Don’t sit in a house with four of them in it and expect them to be not seen or heard like a Victorian.

They’re not little children like yours. You can’t just expect them to toddle off and play somewhere else or just eat Haribo when there is something nicer and tastier in the next room.

And yes, even your ‘nice reminder’ would come off as if you were patronising them and treating them like a 3 yo.

“Or.... she could expect that having bombarded her friend’s age 10+ kids with sweets that they could give her and her friend a little peace for a bit.”

She could expect that..... but as you can see- she’s going to be perpetually disappointed as she’s been shown time and time that that isn’t the way things work in this particular household.

It’s really quite normal to go out for a drink if you’re expecting something uninterrupted adult time when there are a total of five children between the two families.