To wonder how they’re affording these insane weddings on retail salaries?

[IAmAllAsttonishnent]

DP and I are planning our wedding (can’t elope as we’d planned- long story). We have an image of what we’d like but it seems impossible to get it at a reasonable price.

So far this year 6 girls I went to school with have gotten/ are getting married all of whom I know work V low paying jobs (retail, waitressing...etc) and their partners are also in low income jobs.
Their weddings are at crazy expensive venues (one which I ruled out due to cost and 2 are having theirs there). I know they don’t have family money either as we all come from V working class backgrounds.

So I’m just sat here wondering what I’m missing? How the hell are they affording this? I want to know their secret!

DP and I worked and studied V hard and now have a high income, which means we can afford a nice wedding - But coming from a working class background I’m V aware of money and value and don’t love the idea of blowing £20k on one day???😑

I nearly fell out with my best friend when I questioned her and her fiancée (26 and 29 both working in careers that WOULD end up well paying, buying a new build flat with a guest bedroom etc) letting her lorry driving dad take out a loan to pay her country club wedding. I was told to mind my own business and I was out of order. Not long after the wedding he had to take ill health retirement and never went back to full time employment, yet he had to pay back a 10,000 loan for day. She went down in my estimation after that. Save up and pay for it yourself OR scale it down but no she let her Dad have that burden.

Oh I know what you were saying toomuchtooold and I agree with it.

I then moved on to make another point that it was crazy to spend that much full stop.

I'm intrigued as to how you know that their/their parents finances are like?

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable thinking that people from “very working class backgrounds” might not have a bit of money saved.

A former colleague from a “very working class background” saved for her daughter’s wedding from the time the little girl was born. So she could give her daughter a fairytale dress, horse drawn carriage etc.

When her daughter was 18, my colleague asked her if she would prefer to have the money for education, a car or a house deposit. But the daughter said keep it for when she got married. Tbf, this all happened before the new millennium so things like tuition fees and house prices weren’t as much of an issue.

You don’t know whose gramma might have tucked away a bit of money or whatever.

A wedding does not make a marriage.
Spend what you can afford, have a day you will enjoy without stressing about how to pay for it.
We spent a relatively small amount on our wedding but it was individual to us and we had a fantastic time.

I'm intrigued as to how you know that their/their parents finances are like?

Exactly this.

Even in working class families it can be mind boggling how much the older folks have stashed away over the years. So it could be them

We got pulled along by the whole wedding industry must have’s but luckily decided that our marriage was more important than our day.
We both have ok paying jobs but didn’t want to start marriage in debt. Plus the type of wedding being pushed on us wasn’t our taste.
We had a lovely day which we did our way and within our budget.

You don’t need all the fancy tat.

I’m a low earner and don’t work hard. I expect people wonder how I afford stuff but quite frankly it’s none of their business as long as what I do is legal

If you think it's crazy now, wait until you start going to weddings of those in their early 30s, already bought house types, then you start getting the £50k budget weddings!

Anyway, if you want to save a lot of money, separate the cermony and the wedding reception - pick a venue that doesn't have a wedding licence and get married elsewhere. (registary office or church, many old town halls are beauitful buildings). Also look at venues where you literally just hire the building and then sort out your own catering - many country houses have that if you search.

It might feel like the same sort of wedding, but with £2k knocked off your venue costs straight away.

Golf clubs are often nice venues but cheaper than your hotel types.

Sod what everyone else does. It really has no bearing on your choice of wedding.

We spent around £6k on our wedding, in London, which included the honeymoon. Everyone had a great time. It was done in a hall, rather than a posh hotel, but the food and drink was plentiful and good.

I have since been to weddings that cost more than 10 times my wedding. I don't think they were any better, and the poor bride at one of them said that she barely knew any of the guests. Her rich father paid for and organised the wedding, and invited lots of his friends and business associates.

Weddings should be about having a good time with the people you care about to celebrate your marriage. This needn't be a showy affair.

Personally, as a guest, I couldn't care less if a wedding is at a church hall or the Ritz. One of the best weddings I went to was in the bride's parents back garden. It was great and really personal to them.

@toomuchtooold, I think you made a really good point, especially about some of us not even being able to judge if it’s worth spending that kind of money for the status. I have a PhD and nice house with a good career, and that’s what I derive my self-esteem/social status from. DP and I are going to elope in January and I’m quite prepared to tell people we can’t afford a massive wedding, because we spent all our savings on a deposit for our house. We do sometimes say we wish we’d held 20k back to have a big wedding but ultimately we’d rather it was paying off the mortgage.

I do hate the competitive stealth boasting on these kind of threads, though. I’m sure there may be a correlation between people who cripple themselves with debt to get wed then have marriage problems related to money issues later. But I’m not convinced that a wedding that cost 25k can’t be filled with “palpable joy” as much as one in a shed with a dress made from rags. My cousin’s wedding cost that much and was amazing, and she was a gorgeous glowing bride, everyone had a brilliant time and the love they share was very apparent, and guess what, they’re still happily married.

But I’m not convinced that a wedding that cost 25k can’t be filled with “palpable joy” as much as one in a shed with a dress made from rags

Exactly this. People are so keen on these threads to run down people who spent more, and say things like ‘I know someone who spent x and they were divorced within 3 days’. Well yeah, it happens. Some people also spend a lot, don’t get into debt to do so, have a lovely day and are still happily married x years down the line. Just as some people get married with 2 witnesses in a registry office followed by a pub lunch and then get divorced. FWIW, I have been to weddings ranging from approx a £2000 budget to £100,000 budget. The lowest budget being the only couple who have since split. Doesn’t mean I think that all people who do it on a budget are destined divorce!
What other people choose to spend or not spend has absolutely no impact on my life at all.

@Sleepysofa yeah there's an element of humblebrag to it. I've seen the same on the "what to buy for a new baby" threads, where there's this sort of perverse pride in having managed with a sling, three hand me down babygros and half a dozen reusable nappies. I wish that people would acknowledge the fact that using hand me downs and the like is an option that just doesn't feel as doable to a lot of people, and that if they were in that position they wouldn't be any more able to think their way round that feeling of stigma (I remember losing my horror of second hand clothes and for the first time going to the Barras market in Glasgow about two months after starting at uni - it was like looking at the place with two different pairs of eyes).

And there's also absolutely nothing wrong with wanting and paying for a big day. It's not a more moral or worthy choice to spend less. You can spend loads and make ethical choices whilst doing so, and at least you're pumping money into the extra money and helping employ local people!

And when I say we're going to elope, I do mean we're genuinely going to go to Gretna, marry in the registry office, probably not even get new clothes or shoes, and hopefully grab witnesses off the street. It's going to be as cheap as we can do it because we can't afford the massive wedding I'd actually quite like and I quail at the idea of a shoestring, charity dress, church hall, Pinterest decor, potluck dinner type thing. Not me at all. Can't imagine much worse, frankly.

Also all my close family are dead so I can't be fussed with it.

We had a wedding that was far grander than we could afford. DH parents paid for most of it, and we topped it up by scrimping and saving.

Sleepysofa I hope you still get to make it nice - book a nice hotel to stay at, somewhere windswept and romantic. We also had a small wedding, and also in Scotland (DH was just finished his PhD and about to get kicked out of the country, plus we were skint) but we did manage a couple of nights in a posh hotel and it was really nice, even though (or maybe because) it was the middle of winter.

Thanks, @toomuchtooold! We are actually going to find a nice posh boutique hotel on the Borders. We’re going to Monday to Friday, and getting married on the Tuesday which is also the anniversary of our engagement. Then maybe when we have more money in a few years, we’ll go somewhere exotic for a proper honeymoon.

It’s not about how much you spend but spending how much you can afford. People are astounded by other scrimping and getting into debt for literally a one day event and there is a big difference to being able to afford it or being gifted the money to being in hock forever and a day

Most wedding venues will have different prices for the same package depending on time of year or day in a week..meaning you can get married for half the price the weekend before Easter bank holiday weekend than on the actual Easter weekend which is always popular if you know what I mean you can play around with dates to safe..lots of little bits and bobs regarding deco you can do yourself..I needed two dresses I bought one new and one from eBay - absolutely faultless and I sold it for more afterwards..you can save more doing a 'dry hire' if venue permits meaning you supply ur own drinks and find a external caterer every venue which does this will have a list of approved caterers they will bring your white linen for much less than the venue..all these little details will bring your cost down but not compromise on the quality or look from the guests point of view..visit some wedding open days or wedding exhibitions near by that will give you a idea of what's what and you can sometimes grab a bargain..whatever you do make sure you and your partner are happy with it from my experience most guests will not remember anything from the wedding after some time but the memory will stay with you two forever so the fact that you are happy is all what matters..

@Tinsel

You (and others) make a very good point- I know these girls/ their partners well enough to know the families aren’t living wealthy lifestyles but you’re right they could have some money tucked away.

I do know however that of these couples not one owns a property. Two are in rented accom and struggling (it appears) and the others live with parents. So I do think it’s fair to assume they’re not in the sturdiest financial positions.

Our venue has fluctuating prices dependant on season/day - but the difference is so small it’s not factoring Into our choice.

Does anyone have any experience with late availability weddings? They have a date in May and they seemed to have given up on selling it. We’re debating whether going for this would make the venue/catering more open to negotiating? It’s tough though as cater has inflated prices- we think they’re paying a fee to the venue per head (exclusive caterer).

@toomuchtooold your post is brilliant and puts my feelings into words in a way I never could have done!!

Totallly agree with you OP. To put this into context, we're wedding planning at the moment. Joint income is in excess of £100k, we own more than one property and we're spending £25k.

But..... this is our second marriage. We're a lot older now and pretty sure it's right and I'm making up for the first wedding that I didn't enjoy one single bit. (Manipulative ex made me elope so nobody saw my first wedding)

Our wedding is very much different to your classic best western and sit down 3 course meal hence the big price tag. But had it been the standard type of day, I would never have spent this much money. I remember taking a deep breath when I knew how much all the elements would be costing me to put this one together!

Neither of us will come out of this with a bean of debt, it's all savings and no parental contribution. However I do hang my head in shame at the expectations that some people have been sold by the industry. Sadly it's supply and demand.

If we weren't going with the venue we have I would have happily hired a restaurant