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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how they’re affording these insane weddings on retail salaries?

210 replies

IAmAllAsttonishnent · 20/10/2018 07:50

DP and I are planning our wedding (can’t elope as we’d planned- long story). We have an image of what we’d like but it seems impossible to get it at a reasonable price.

So far this year 6 girls I went to school with have gotten/ are getting married all of whom I know work V low paying jobs (retail, waitressing...etc) and their partners are also in low income jobs.
Their weddings are at crazy expensive venues (one which I ruled out due to cost and 2 are having theirs there). I know they don’t have family money either as we all come from V working class backgrounds.

So I’m just sat here wondering what I’m missing? How the hell are they affording this? I want to know their secret!

DP and I worked and studied V hard and now have a high income, which means we can afford a nice wedding - But coming from a working class background I’m V aware of money and value and don’t love the idea of blowing £20k on one day???😑

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/10/2018 08:23

Don’t get into competition. You will kick yourself later if you spend more than you wanted.

creamcheeseandlox · 20/10/2018 08:23

My parents paid for Mine £15k budget. But culturally it's traditional for the brides parents to pay for.

Rudgie47 · 20/10/2018 08:24

You never really know the reality of other peoples financial situations. I've known people who made out they were in total poverty but had investments like property and loads of shares etc.

CherryPavlova · 20/10/2018 08:25

Although it’s up to them to decide whether they can afford it or not, you make a valid point. We’re just beginning to plan with one of our daughters and the whole wedding business is crazy. Lots of add on tat, lots of ghastly, conveyor belt and overpriced ‘beautiful’ venues. Makes it all about the wedding rather than the marriage.

Of the weddings I’ve been to, the worst are the perfect, coordinating, micromanaged to the minute, rules for guests affairs. Just cold and lacking anything that feels special or personal. Doesn’t make guests feel,especially welcome either.

The loveliest have been marquees in the back garden type weddings where family and friends have worked together to create a fabulous day for the Bride and Groom.

The most recent wedding we attended was our daughter’s school friend’s where the budget was £3,000 including outfits, transport, flowers, catering etc. Guests bought food. Friends got together the day before to do the flowers and decorate the church hall, the wedding dress came from Oxfam. A few of the older/more affluent friends clubbed together to put wine on the tables. The happiness and joy was palpable.

Grimbles · 20/10/2018 08:25

Our venue was 'crazy expensive. If you wanted a Saturday afternoon wedding between April and September that is.

It was a LOT cheaper outside of these times though

Original poster
IAmAllAsttonishnent · 20/10/2018 08:25

I’m not jealous 😂 I could have it if I wanted.

It just seems to creates a bubble of a wedding industry. If people just celebrated ‘within their means’ then maybe girls getting engaged wouldn’t feel held to a unrealistic standard and the whole industry would have to adjust their overly inflated prices!

What’s struck me is that, as a relatively high income couple, we’re already cringing a bit and questioning whether this is worth it. It must be horrible for those whose only option is debt in order to have a similar wedding to their friends/peer group.

🤔 it’s all well and good to say ‘just do what’s right for you’ but ‘most’ couples will feel some pressure to make their day as nice as their friends/peers were. We’ve been to several weddings this year, all very different in style but similar in venue/food/standard.

OP posts:
Squarepeg29 · 20/10/2018 08:27

I don’t think she sounds jealous, I think she’s honestly wondering what she’s missed.

Well OP you’ve missed nothing, don’t be dragged into this current emperors new clothes wedding industry madness. Adaline’s figures are what I’d be aiming for.

There are far more important things to be throwing money at. Do whatever it takes to get a mortgage and avoid for ever being holden to some bloody landlord. Sit back and watch your housing costs eventually dwindle away to nothing over the years.

ContadoraExplorer · 20/10/2018 08:27

Do what makes you happy, don't compare to others. What they can, or can't, afford is their business.

We didn't go wild on our wedding because, to us, it was just a day (tbh I would have eloped) and we would rather use the extra money on improving our house/having nice holidays together but we still enjoyed our day with all our friends and family.

MsSquiz · 20/10/2018 08:28

The only way other people's wedding budget can affect yours is if you let it. People with larger budgets are not "raising the bar" they are doing what they want for their own wedding.

Our wedding cost £35k - we were gifted £10k by my in laws (who are well off), £10k by my mum (single parent my whole life but had saved for years for my wedding) and we paid the rest.

Stop concerning yourself with other people's wedding budget and concentrate on your own

SoyDora · 20/10/2018 08:30

Parental contributions?

M0gg · 20/10/2018 08:31

No OP that's just because you're sensible. Some couples would take out a huge amount of debt and not even blink at spending double what you're comfortable spending. Not giving themselves the best start to married life IMO.

Scottishlass11e · 20/10/2018 08:32

I earn under 15k a year Blush
Currently planning my wedding, it's just over 3,560 but if I was to take out extras that we don't actually need, it'd be 2,400.
You really don't need to be matching up to your friends at all Confused spending anything over 18k makes me queasy, I just couldn't imagine that amount of money for one day personally

TheCraicDealer · 20/10/2018 08:32

A friend of a friend (from a v wc area, retail job) spent 40k on her wedding. It went well beyond what most would expect at a wedding- singing waiters, two live bands plus a DJ, got a local kebab shop to come down to do the evening catering, then put buses on from the plush venue to take people back up to a pub in their area for a lock in, open bar. Turned out her parents remortgaged their house to pay for it. They'd paid the house off and were still working FT but as she was their only child they were happy to do it. I couldn't accept that from my parents and spend it like that; that would buy a house round there. But that's their lookout.

Weddings are expensive carry ons. Even if you have a small or modest do things always cost more than you think they will once you start adding things on. Oh you want tablecloths on the tables? £200 please. If you want the cake delivered to the venue that will be an additional £50. I'm at the age where many of my peers are getting married and not one of them has stuck to the original budget.

Original poster
IAmAllAsttonishnent · 20/10/2018 08:34

Not intending to drip feed but we do own our home @squarepeg (awesome advice though so thanks) and we will have a couple of thousand contributed by parents. Though still paying the bulk ourselves.

Parents offered more but I refused as DP and I earn V well and parents are retired - comfortable but not wealthy.

OP posts:
tabbycat1234 · 20/10/2018 08:35

Yep I'm with you. I don't really understand why people would blow so much on one day but I guess people have different priorities. You said you'd studied so they've been earning for longer...

We paid ourselves and so kept it under 5k. There are a lot of things you can get sucked into paying for at weddings (chair covers/bows, expensive invitations, fancy favours and the like) that are nice but don't really make the difference for a great day or not.

If you think about it what do you remember as a guest - I prioritised food/music - those impact on people's mood. Be generous with drinks or have a cash bar.

I do remember one friend had an amaaazing venue but I don't remember anything else about their wedding

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 20/10/2018 08:36

Parents may have paid - possibly by borrowing.

Otherwise credit cards/loans

For ONE day! They could get divorced before they have finished paying.

Then cue whining - we can’t afford to buy a house .....

Whisky2014 · 20/10/2018 08:36

My wedding is costing 15k. 5k gifted by parents, 2k gifted by fiances parents, we are funding the 8k from our own savings (I say savings but its actually money I won gambling!) so actually no cost to us. Although we do have good earning jobs so not exactly the same scenario youre tallking about.

MrsExpo · 20/10/2018 08:38

When I got married, we told my parents that we were going to keep it low key due to finances. Then my dad told me he'd started to pay into a small endowment policy when I was born, specifically so he could pay for a nice wedding. He cashed it in, and it came out at a tidy sum we didn't spend it all!!

Maybe they have similar arrangement in place.

flamingofridays · 20/10/2018 08:40

Why are they cf's?

Youre coming off a lot worse than them in this, op.

kenandbarbie · 20/10/2018 08:41

Comparison is the thief of joy

Next it'll be who has a better house
Who's job is better
Who has kids first
Who's kids do better at school
Kids uni results
Grandchildren
Holiday home in Spain

There's always someone with more than you and someone with less

You need to learn to just think of what you want and ignore everyone else, they're irrelevant to your life

They aren't setting the bar higher, you are letting yourself think you have to compete

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 20/10/2018 08:41

We get it OP, you're a 'high earner' 

beingsunny · 20/10/2018 08:42

Don't spend more than you can afford, the details are what can make a wedding special, people see the extra thought gone in.

I say this as a now divorced woman who spent what could be afforded and was so pleased not to start married life in debt!

I also have the other side as my now DP has only just paid off his wedding, he's divorced 3 years and it was yes over pretty quickly. She stopped paying their joint loan. It leave a bad taste to be paying for something after it's over 

JoyfulMystery · 20/10/2018 08:42

Are you very young, OP? Because your sense of wedding peer pressure being a major problem for you, and your continual references to ‘girls’ (who are apparently the only ones involved in their weddings, and the people they are marrying are not involved?) suggests that.

No one is making you spend more than you want on your wedding. It is perfectly possible to walk down to the registry office with two witnesses. To do otherwise is a choice.

Puggles123 · 20/10/2018 08:44

I agree, each to their own but I do wonder if people feel pressured on spending loads and going into debt; if it’s truly what they want then fair enough though. I was more excited for the marriage itself so we had a small wedding (but it was perfect to me), and put our other savings towards our house. By having it on a Friday and during Autumn we got the venue for thousands cheaper than peak time, and it was just as nice. One of my close friends is going for the hundreds of guests and all of the extras and spending all of their savings, that would make me anxious.

toomuchtooold · 20/10/2018 08:45

I also find it mind boggling how much money some of my school colleagues spent on weddings etc but you do know you have to keep quiet about it, because it's not a good look to criticize something like that, particularly when you know if going to saddle them with debt forever, and when you're in a better position financially. Like you I did OK at school and have ended up on a much higher income than most of my colleagues and I've become aware that there is a sort of privilege in being well paid/well qualified enough not to feel under pressure to spend money to show we're not poor. We had the freedom to choose a small wedding and things like driving our car till it falls apart and we don't have any sense of shame about it because we derive our sense of position in the societal pecking order from having lots of qualifications and a good career and a big house and stuff. It's kind of unfair because the people who feel most under pressure to spend money to show they're not poor are the people who would most benefit from saving it. And it's easy to say, well, if that were me, I would be more careful with my money, I would prioritize my financial future over maintaining my appearance in the social hierarchy. But you and I are not in that position, we get social cachet out of having done well and then we also get the option to say, that's shallow, social position doesn't matter to me, without having to actually give up our social position.