Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

I feel bad for you that you’re getting a hard time from some on here. You’re only human, and you were annoyed because something you payed for that your dd loved, got needlessly broken, and you felt it was done with a careless, no consequences attitude and you saw red. I think there’s no right and wrong way of dealing with other peoples children’s destructive behaviour but here’s my story: I had a friend (she got really weird not with just me but an entire village, hence past tense, we didn’t fall out as such just distanced myself after she seemingly tried to kidnap my children) anyway her children came over A LOT and they were always destructive, I tried to put important things away but they would do things which I couldn’t have foreseen or prevented like taking a hand and footprint canvas of dc’s off the wall and standing on it, it ripped. Another time her ds took an ancient London bus toy that was my grandads out of my ds’s room and threw it down the stairs, it broke. Any way, I never said a word to that mum, believing it was my fault, I should of hidden more things, supervised them more, but it’s hard when the phone rings or the doorbell goes, or they ask you to get them a drink. So there’s me putting up with all of that quietly. Then one day, she asks me over during school hours, we were both SAHM’s then. I get there and her and her dh are sat at the kitchen table and start telling me how they think that my ds who was 4 at the time had kicked their metal shed in! Which would be ridiculously out of character for him honestly it would, but also I think when? because she never had my children without me being there, they said when I was there with them all two days ago, well me and her we’re sat in the garden the whole time. I point out, don’t you think we would have heard or seen him “kicking the metal she’d in 6 metres away”? They did back down a bit after this, I asked to see the shed, and it was the tiniest dent, could’ve been done by anything. They did drop it after that but it showed me that you might put up with a load of shit from other people’s kids but don’t expect it back.

Hi, I have 4 kids and 2 of them are rather 'boisterous"'. Because of that I don't buy stuff that costs a lot to replace. Your text would have horrified me and my gut reaction would have been exactly what your friend did! I mean exactly! So I can say with my hand on my heart that deep down she's feeling mortified. Some kids grow up really fast, my best friend's kids are 2 years younger than my oldest two yet could be two years older than them both. What I'm trying to say is that everybody's kids grow up at very VERY different rates. If you and/or your child treasure this friendship then you really need to mend bridges.

Her reaction to your post is pure hurt! If you want this friendship to last past this moment then you need to move past the backpack and extend the hand of friendship. My dearest dearest friend has 2 girls that are between 1 and 3 years younger than my eldest 2 girls. Yet their behaviour is far more grownup than my (eldest) two. Her daughters adore my eldest two daughters. We've found a way between us to work around issues but I would be the first to say that my 2 eldest daughters are, emotionally, far younger than her two. Don't judge others by your kids standards, some kids will outstrip yours, whilst other will seriously underperform. What you need to understand is that all our kids have their gifts. My kids, educationally, are serious high fliers (as in top schools/unis), but emotionally at least 2 to 4 years younger than their peers (as in could go down 2/3 years and no one would notice emotionally). From hearing what you say it sounds to me that your friend's child is 'emotionally' v. young. In her child's latter years she will be called young at heart, just that now when a child is supposed to be 'grown up' its very bad to be seen to behave childishly. If your daughter treasures this friendship then its really worth the fuss and you need to understand her friend's needs. If your daughter is not fussed then buy her a new bag and tell her not to associate with the other child but suck up the lack of child driving to school!

Group chat? Whoops - awkward.
However, her kids sound like shits and yes, 11 is too old to be like that. And to rip an oilcloth bag right through needs some force. So no, YANBU to be pissed off, YANBU to message the mum, but yeah, group chat not the best idea

Dd’s friend did this repeatedly in Y7 until eventually the bag broke. I told the mum to tell her to stop doing it, which she did. She started taking dd’s water flask and throwing it around after that - lost and broke loads of the things. Dd eventually just stopped hanging out with her thank goodness.

OP you did what any sensible parent would do. It’s the other mum’s problem if she can’t take criticism. Small group chat is totally fine. I’d leave the ball in her court now. Hopefully the girl won’t be nasty to your dd about it but she has no grounds to be.

I can’t believe the people on here defending the other girl and saying this was an accident. She may not have intended the bag to rip but she certainly knew what she was doing.

Hi, I have 4 kids and 2 of them are rather 'boisterous"'. Because of that I don't buy stuff that costs a lot to replace

That's your choice. For you. No one else has to follow suit.

Her reaction to your post is pure hurt!

More like pure "shit I have to pay this time or every one will know I didn't"

Don't judge others by your kids standards, some kids will outstrip yours

Expecting kids to not destroy someome else's property is pretty basic. You must have a really low bar for behaviour.

From hearing what you say it sounds to me that your friend's child is 'emotionally' v. young. In her child's latter years she will be called young at heart

Why does there always have to be sone complex reason. Sometimes kids are just idiots or not very nice. Or both.

Because of that I don't buy stuff that costs a lot to replace.

Thats fine for you but other parents shouldnt have to buy cheap stuff just in case one of your kids destroys it!

Your whole post is making excuses for a child that has no respect for other peoples things.

Her mum may be 'mortified' but its her child and she should make it right.

Why should ops dd continue to accept this child destroying her things because she cant respect other peoples belongings? Not expecting basic standards regarding other peoples possessions is ridiculous.

It's tricky but you obviously don't want a fall out, so maybe just apologise (even though you weren't wrong) and let things settle ... as regards the bag, maybe you could take it to a cobblers because they are good at mending bags - just a thought