Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

I’m probably being a bit mean about her. She’s not that bad. She’s just got a very different parenting style to me. Nobody’s perfect. Especially me.

I would have been annoyed the bag broke but I never would have said anything to the mom. It's just one of those things.

On a group chat is a really humiliating way to address it, and if you mentioned the cost of the bag that is the same as asking her to pay for it.

I get why you were upset but not sometimes we just need to let stuff go.

I'm confused...

You seemed to indicate that the bag was expensive/good quality and now you're saying it wasn't expensive and only from Next?

I have a Next backpack/satchel thing. Less than a year after purchasing it it looks really shabby and I've taken pretty good care of it. Maybe it just wasn't that great quality a bag and your DD's friend wasn't being quite as rough as you think?

My reading comprehension is fine. The first few pages are full of posters telling the op she should have let it go.

I’m sure it came from Next but they do sell all sorts of labels, it might well have been expensive, I might have got that wrong. It is a really nice solid bag. Well it was. It’s just a bit of a shame for dd that’s all. I’ll just have to get her another one.

I’m not going to ask the mum for the money. I don’t think I can be bothered. If she’s that cross at me probably best to leave things for a while.

If you have a problem with the actions of someone's else's child and you want to let the other parent know you pick up the phone and call them or see them face to face to, you know, actually discuss it to find out all the facts like a grown up parent. In this case that shouldn't have been too hard as this person is a friend!!

You just don't hide behind text for this kind of conversation as tone and intentions get lost and can be very easily misinterpreted (even if you do use the wealth of emojis available ). If you're not brave enough to say it don't text it. You especially don't group chat about it as that just humiliates the other parent publicly and puts them straight onto the defensive.

She probably sensed you made up your mind you didn't have much respect for her or kids anyway and you've just given her a reason to disconnect. You don't sound like you're bothered about losing them either so I'd just forget about it and move on.

Now I am confused OP I’m sure it came from Next but they do sell all sorts of labels, it might well have been expensive

But I thought you told the mum how much it was and then she became upset

How could you have told the mum how much it was if you don’t know how much it was?

If you are sure your DD isn't being bullied, then you could make her buy another. She needs to stop pratting about and realise that stuff costs money.
I'm not really qualified to comment though, DS1 recently broke DS2's leg!

*She gets through designer gear like there’s no tomorrow, I can’t inagine she’s upset about that.

I dont understand why this is relevant. You must have liked her at one point, but you have certainly gone off her now.
Ask your dd what her friendship is like with her df. You might both want to take a step back from them. Or indeed, they from you.

If she’s that cross at me probably best to leave things for a while.

If she's a friend, even just a school mum friend, why not just phone her and sort it out?? Can people, especially friends, not talk to each other anymore? Stop hiding behind text and call and find out what each other is "thinking" instead of just guessing!!!

You owe her an apology for texting what you did in group chat, then you can maybe talk about the bag and tell her you just wanted to let her know what had happened and accept your way of telling her was crap.

The most passive aggressive text on the planet. Crikey that wound me up reading it. Why text. The damage has been done. It was a bloody accident. Chill out

I may be in the minority, but I don't think you did anything wrong. There's playing around and then there's outright stupidity. What did the girl think would happen if she yanked on the bag hard enough to almost pull your daughter off her feet. You were perfectly reasonable to tell the mother what - and how - you did. If one of my kids pulled a stunt like that, not only would I be replacing the bag immediately, but my child would be paying for it (or at least at that age doing extra household chores to work it off). Maybe I'm old fashioned but so many people - kids and adults alike - refuse to accept consequences of their actions, and quick to blame someone else.

Hopefully this argument between the mums doesn’t spill over into school on Monday.

If his girl tells the rest of the class (she’s 11, might be annoyed and might tell - I would have) it might cost your daughter some friendships. I’m not sure I would have wanted to hang out wiht the girl who has already told tales and caused a mum fight.

Lesson hopefully learned. Only interfere when absolutely necessary, and when you do so it in private.

People are being really harsh, so she said a child damaged a bag in a group chat, what is the major issue?
It's not a big deal just normal life with any child, they break stuff and fall out, we try and sort it as best we can.
Why is everyone here talking about shaming and humiliating?
Who gets humiliated over their child damaging a bag?
I think there may be too much friday night wine on this thread...

There but for the grace of God go any of us. My daughter is careful but accidents happen -she didn't mean to do anything.
Unreasonable to 'tell the mum off' doubly in the group chat. Speak to her daughter.
Next time -you will be lied to as daughter won't want to get her friend and her mum in trouble -a friendship could be ruined -over a bag.

My DC2 was injured when another child messed around -scratched face etc -school dealt with it. My attitude- could just of easily been DC2. Other mum was upset -my attitude -that's kids.

Not entirely to the point but @ftfoawygtfosm "Praise in public , admonish in private"

I have no idea how good I was as a mother , but this I did. So if Ds needed telling off, we would walk round the corner so none of his friends heard , because I just thought the embarrassment then become the issue rather than the "thing" IYSWIM. Not often needed but I do agree with that . OK back to the point but just agree with tellings off being done in private whenever possible.

I'd have gone nuts, as we wouldn't be able to replace even a cheap bag. Watching DC chuck their bags around in the playground before school makes me wince.

Reading between the lines I'm not convinced it was an accident.

I think maybe your dd is stuck in a "mean girls" situation and this other girl is possibly bullying her and she's not wanting to say so.

Also the grabbing of a bag as you describe is something that's a bit of a "fad" that's been going round the schools, some schools have banned it as children were getting hurt. Either by being knocked off their feet or choked/strangled as they were wearing the bag fully and it meant the neckline of their clothes being tightened around the throat. There were a few threads I read on here (but I think it was when I was lurking before I registered).

"seatbelting" thank you! Couldn't remember!

My dd had a similar situation around the same age. Her "friend" was actually just enjoying having someone pliable to control. It was a nightmare although eventually I was able to get dd to build up the confidence to tell the "friend" to get lost - school were useless! They saw it as "friends falling out" except it was always MY dd getting upset and made out to be the one in the wrong for daring to do/not do something the "friend" had told her to do the opposite. And before anyone questions yes I know for a fact as I saw the texts/message threads AND on one occasion when the friend thought I wasn't home and she and dd were at mine I overheard (I did steam into her and it stopped for a while but not permanently).

"If I was you I would just give her a call or text and say you are sorry, it's been a bad day and you were in the wrong to overreact" I think that's a terribly idea!

It doesn't sound like op overreacted at all! I wouldn't have done in a group chat as nothing to do with other mum and "friends" mum probably embarrassed. That's the only thing op POSSIBLY has got wrong.

"more has gone on there than a bit of fun that got out of hand. That's heavy duty fabric." That's what I think too!

I think you and your dd have been far too passive with this family.

"I wouldn’t even complain! It was an accident. Why hold people to account for their children’s accidents?" Because sometimes those "accidents" are caused by behaviour that shouldn't have happened and the person doing it is old enough to know better!

DollyMixture what you're describing as acceptable behaviour is bullying!

I have said if there is bullying then talk to the school. Kids don’t always play perfectly together and in most circumstances it is best to leave them to it.

Of course if this girl is bullying other children the behaviour needs to be addressed. However OP made it about money for the bag. She also didn’t give the other mum the opportunity to find out what happened for her daughter. It might not have been as black and white -they are 11.

I suspect this friendship will cool - the girls don’t seem well matched and I think that is for the best. Big school is all about finding.your people. Bit not every incident between kids is bullying. Bullying is horrendous and should not be tolerated - but labelling every thing as bullying dilutes the seriousness or real incidents.

And I think we have to be realistic - this might get round the school. Girls of this age are little gossips. This could have been handled a lot better

@Dollymixture22
I'm confused, what might get round the school?
xxxx damaged a bag and xxx's mum wasn't happy?

That message was clearly asking for her to pay for the bag. I think if she hadn't you'd have been complaining that she hadn't offered.

I suspect she's had a totally different view of the incident, where her dd is innocent and yours was messing about.
The truth will be somewhere between the two stories.

DollyMixture - I was actually referring to

"If his girl tells the rest of the class (she’s 11, might be annoyed and might tell - I would have) it might cost your daughter some friendships. I’m not sure I would have wanted to hang out wiht the girl who has already told tales and caused a mum fight." THAT would be bullying!