Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

But why create that situation, why blow up a fight with the other mum when it could be handled so much better.

It also might not be bullying depending how it plays out. Girls goes into school and is upset, other friends ask why and she says her mum and Ella’s mum got into an argument over the school bag - Ella’s mum is making us pay. All my fault even though everyone was messing around - ant beleive Ella told and didn’t say she was doing it too.

Could turn into bullying, but might not. All I am saying is this was handled in a way that blew one incident out of proportion. Girls will talk. Ella is a tell tale and her mum will start arguments with the other mums - keep your distance. Might not play out that way - hopefully not. But it’s gust a torn school bag.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, and if the other mum reads her DD the riot act about being careful of other people's stuff that's a good thing. But please PPs - RTFT!

Good grief there are some drama queens on here!

In group chat, with two school mums Brenda and Irene:

Brenda: "Coola, your DD was messing about with X earlier and accidentally ripped her bag. Could you ask her to be more careful please?"

Me: "Did she? The little beggar! I'll speak to her. Let me know how much the bag was and I'll ping it over to you. Do you have Paypal?"

Irene: "Do either of you have the letter for the bastarding disco?"

Fin.

At least that's how it would be in my world.

Yabu. Mum had already said she’d replace the bag so I don’t see why you had to message her with parenting advice. accidents happen

No, she hadn't. She said she'd replace it after OP messaged her.

@Coolaschmoola 
But I think it wasmore like

Hey Coolas, your DD was messing around and broke DD's bag. It is £1000000000

Just a thought, can’t you take it to a cobblers to be resewn? They often repair leather so oilcloth should be no problem xx

I leant a lesson a long time ago which is that if you say something about some one else's child's poor behaviour be ready for it to back fire on you and if you don't tell a friend about what their child has been up to expect it to back fire on you. You cannot win in cases like this. her reaction is her reaction it is a pity if it impacts on the girls friendships though.

YWBVU to message her in a group chat that's really embarrassing why on earth didn't you message her personally?!

Nah she'd have reacted this way anyway. If her kid has firm for breaking stuffmore than you there probably know about it.

She's just pissed there's a witness now and she had to agree and replace . Or she'd have laughed it off and you'd have been in the shit 're a bag.

I don’t think the group chat was unreasonable. You’ve all known each other for ages so should be able to be open and honest. You say the bag broke, she says, sorry, I’ll have a word and let me know the cost so I can get the money to you. No biggie. Or at least, that’s the world I live in, anyway. Remember it’s Friday night, OP and there are those who would swear black was white on here.

Seems like it lately. Last night was an all time low for nasty posts to more than one op.

3 mums on private chat. We all know kids can mess around its not 'embarassing'. I would be annoyed at my ds if he had done that and paid for a new bag. No drama just "sorry will have a word with him about being too rough, how much was it, is dd ok?"
Done, no drama no 'poor little ds for getting a stern word over something they were responsible for'. No other comment necessary, no flouncing.

If it was just another thing in a long line of things this girl and her siblings have broken i would have said something before now. Why should a parent excuse thier kids breaking things due to them just being 'boisterous' or whatever? If they cant teach them to respect other people's stuff then they should expect consequences and not get huffy when someone tells them thier kid has broken something again. Not everyone can afford to just pop off and replace things ruined by someone elses kid.

Yanbuto expect the bag replaced and if the other mother knew what she was doing she'd get a contribution off her dd so she'll be more careful in future. Sadly though that isn't what's happening

Oh dear OP you're in a bit of a shitty position now - you have a broken bag, you've fallen out with a lift-sharing mum and now the only way out is for you to go to ground and suck up the inconvenience or start apologising!

Alas nobody likes to feel their parenting or child is being criticised. She's annoyed with her Dd re the cost probably but it was an "accident" so what can she do so she's angry with you instead!

What a mess.

How did you tell the other mother how much she has to pay to replace it when you don’t yourself know what it cost? I really don’t understand that.

Oh dear OP you're in a bit of a shitty position now - you have a broken bag, you've fallen out with a lift-sharing mum and now the only way out is for you to go to ground and suck up the inconvenience or start apologising

I don't think op needs to apologise tbh. I reckon the mum's like one of those dog owners who's dogs shit and they faff about pretending like they are looking for a poo bag while the people walk past then the secind they are gone just leave it.

She's only pissed cos she now cant back out of paying for the bag her dd broke which frankly she did more than yank if its that bad . That's why she's pissed cos she has to actually pay.

Play fighting at school is not messing around, pulling someone forcefully backwards could result in serious injury. I would tell the school that this is going on, even if it means both children get in trouble.

YABU. She’s not being oversensitive or having a bad day, and by you saying she is you’re trying to minimise your own poor behaviour.

You were out of order to say anything at all, but even more so in a group chat and to be so crass as to mention how much the bag cost.

I think she’s right to distance herself from you but ultimately I think your DD will suffer the most. Even if not on this occasion, if you keep this sort of thing up, she will struggle with friendships as she grows older.

Op I would of been angry as well kids need to learn that they can't go around ruining other people's stuff . What's happening to this world that people think it's acceptable to do this. The other mum is proberly embarrassed that you pulled up her childs behaviour

What's happening to this world that people think it's acceptable to do this.

jobbymcginty Nobody thinks it’s okay to deliberately ruin other people’s possessions, but that isn’t what happened here. This was an accident, and it was wholly unacceptable of OP to publically shame the mum and be as crass as to mention the cost and hint for a replacement.

Actually OP, I fully support you. You are not. That. Mum. The other girl is the way she is because she learnt that behaviour from her family, so tackling the mother was always going to be risky. But then again, you say you thought you knew her and she'd laugh it off.

Secondary school is tricky. Are the girls in the same class? It might be worth emailing the class / form teacher/tutor about this in case the spat continues into next term.

I had this in Year 4. My DS came home crying saying that a boy had been making fun of his name (think Paul becoming Poo, that sort of thing) and that he's been pushed to the floor, sat on and punched. He was adamant that he didn't want the teacher told. I thought the mum of the boy was a good friend so I sent her a text saying that there'd been an incident of rough play and DS was upset, could her DS be a bit more gentle in future.... the mum went ballistic and hasn't spoken to me since.

Good luck.

How do you accidentally grab someone's bag and almost pull them off their feet?

Think it’s a long time since you’ve been a child, Cachailleacha. Kids mess about.

I have a 12 year old WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue. He has had this done to him, it's not accidental.

Being destructive and dangerous is not messing around

You’re on mumsnet where children can do whatever they want with no repercussions. In real life of course you would speak to the mum about it but never on here where most people appear to have been knitted.

I have a 12 year old WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue. He has had this done to him, it's not accidental.

Cachailleacha In your sons case it may have been deliberate, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same on every case.

What a silly thing to say.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue I asked how you would accidentally grab someone's bag and almost pull them off their feet? If the bag was ripped then it sounds like pulling the bag was a deliberate action, not someone tripping and grabbing the bag for support.