Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

You shouldn’t have said anything in a group chat with the other mum.

If I was you I would just give her a call or text and say you are sorry, it's been a bad day and you were in the wrong to overreact and you hope you can forget about it and be friends again. Life is too short.

I'd think a message doesn't really suit the situation. In passing as you're chatting face to face, yes but in a group it's even worse tbh

Mum didn't offer to replace until the OP brought it up.

I would never have contacted her other than privately though. That's not on. But yes, someone rips my kid's bag being stupid, of course I'd tell their parents. How weird not to.

YABU.
I wouldn't have messaged the mum, especially in a group chat. It was an accident and it's a bit obvious that the friend needs to be more careful in the future, your DD got upset. I would have potentially brought it up in face to face convo but otherwise it's a bit 'here's how to parent' for my liking.

Depending on where it's ripped you should be able to sew it. My Dd's both had those bags and they both had the handle at the top come off so I sewed them on the sewing machine.

I think you were out of order. The two girls could have been messing around together and your daughter presented to you a more favourable explanation.

When I was at school there was no “messaging” opportunities, a parent would have to be seriously upset to seek out another parent to discuss a ripped bag or article of clothing or whatever so this would have been let go.

You mention you messaged her but then refer to group chat? If you did this over group chat then even more out of order. Kids play.

You fucked up admonishing her in a group chat. That was a very thoughtless, unnecessary thing to do, and if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't appreciate it either. I think you should apologise for this, but either way, the friendship is mostly like done for.

YABU to have said it in a group chat but YANBU to be upset - oilcloth is a pretty heavy duty fabric so the other child must have been pretty aggressive to have torn it, and you say they’re in high school so IMO old enough to know better

I did say it’s only three of us and we’ve known each other for years.

I’ll speak to her about it some time. I really can’t be arsed anymore tonight. I’ve put up with her kids for years and I guess I snapped. They don’t have any boundaries or routines and are allowed to get away with all sorts and I guess I’ve attributed this to their usual behaviour. It would be unlike dd to make shit up, shes pretty reliable but I’m aware that she’s not infallible.

Sorry but you lost any moral high ground when you admonished her daughter in a group chat.

Why did you message her mum? Did you want the child told off? It seems you were hinting at replacing the bag. And in a group chat - even with just one other person it seems quite a confrontational thing to do.

To be honest I don’t think you handled this very well. They are still kids. If your daughter thinks this other girl is too rough then you should have had a quiet word with the mum, not message her in a group chat, . It’s quite passive aggressive. Accidents happen and the bag shouldnt have been the focus.

I would have reacted in the same way as the mum, and distanced myself from you to be honestl. You have also taken your daughters word for this incident - it might not have happened quite as she told you. In any case, hey were just mucking around. It didn’t sound malicious

They call it seatbelting, although it doesn't seem as prevelent now as it was a few years ago. It's a nuisance but things get damaged at school. It think you and DD have a very long 5 years ahead of you unless you can put these kinds of things behind you.

No way is it OK to take up a child's behaviour with a parent on a group chat.

I am going to have to learn to suck up bad behaviour and property damage aren’t I? Very annoying when it wasn’t dds fault. She’s quite upset about the bag. She used it for holidays and sleepovers etc, it’s been around that bag.

YABU
We used to do this all the time. If something ripped then you will tell your parents who would get annoyed and then move on. No way my mum would have called someone else's mum over this. This was before mobile phones... #old

Actually just reading back through the messages she didn’t get snappy until I mentioned how much the bag cost. I didn’t directly ask her to replace it. She only offered when I mentioned it. Perhaps that was wrong of me?

You were wrong to say ANYTHING in the group chat.

That is what was wrong.

I am going to have to learn to suck up bad behaviour and property damage aren’t I? Very annoying when it wasn’t dds fault. She’s quite upset about the bag. She used it for holidays and sleepovers etc, it’s been around that bag.

Come on, you know that's not it.

You shouldn't have texted her about it (you should've spoken), and you certainly shouldn't have included a third party in your admonishment. How embarrassing all round.

Her DD grabs your DD's bag so aggressively it rips wide open... and SHE takes the hump.... not the friends you really need now is it ? no loss..

YANBU OP. Sounds like you're well rid of the lot of them.

Ok perhaps our three-way group chat thing wasn’t the best avenue but surely I’m not wrong to be pissed at the bag being spoilt?

I don't think it matters that it's only a group chat of three. It was still pretty unreasonable of you to broadcast a dispute between kids in front of other people. It just looks as though you want the other mum to take sides.

Things happen between kids, but I think you should have handled it in a more sensible way and had a quiet word with her instead.

How could you NOT realise that telling her child off in a 3 way group chat with another parent was a bad idea?

I don't think you're in the wrong to be annoyed with the other girl, but I think you should have handled it better and just quietly asked the other mother if she could replace it rather than complaining about her daughter in front of other people.

Why bring up the cost, if you didn't want it paying for?

As said it was wrong of you to do it in the way that you did.

I would have done it face to face and heard the other Girls version of what happened.