Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

Cachailleacha I never said anything about anyone tripping. I don’t think that’s what happened here.

Kids mess about, and sometimes things get accidentally damaged as a result.

I can't think of a single thing fitting the description of "messing around" that would result on that much damage to a sturdy bag.

Either it was deliberate or they were doing something really naughty and stupid.

Gileswithachainsaw Me neither

Cachailleacha I never said anything about anyone tripping. I don’t think that’s what happened here. How else would a bag be grabbed forcefully but accidentally? At my child's school, pulling people's bags is done as a joke.

Sorry to say it, but I think you were being quite unreasonable by messaging the mum. It probably came across really badly. Kids are kids and these things happen. It's not that her daughter was careless or whatever. They were just playing.

If that's your idea of playing izzy id worry about the friends of your kids.

Kids are kids and these things happen. Would you be saying that if she had hit her head on concrete instead? I've made sure my child knows never to do such a stupid thing because it could turn from a joke to very serious in a second.

I think you have over reacted and could have handled it better. If I was the other mum I’d be pretty pissed off with you too

OP, you have not over reacted. Your DD is upset, her property destroyed and you are supposed to be alright with it? I don’t think so.

All you did was to point out the damage to your friend asking her to ask her DD to be more careful in the future.

It wasn’t a frienship worth having.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You told her up front what her child did and as the parent it’s her responsibility to replace it with one of equal or better value. You were right to be annoyed and pull her up on it because damaging another’s property (trying to dag anyone) is not ok. My sisters would do the same or if they were the parent of the child who damaged it they’d replace it without issue. My first term in my uni house I broke a flatmates cup, I didn’t like the flatmate but I went out of my way to find the ridiculously expensive out of production cup as a replacement. It’s the RIGHT thing to do. I’d of handled it the same way.

Yanbu at all! Only in mumsnet land is it ok for your kid to.damage someones property and get away with it. Nòt paying or being told off. In the real world you were right.

Em, I'd flip this, only on mn would you be right, in real world people say 'sh*t happens' and the point is that in the real world if it was brought to someone's attention it would be a jokingly said 'I heard our kids had a bit of a run in' or something to that effect

I’ve put up with her kids for years and I guess I snapped. They don’t have any boundaries or routines and are allowed to get away with all sorts and I guess I’ve attributed this to their usual behaviour.

This attitude drives me crazy, you don't know what a person's children are like at home, in generally mothers meet them when they're excitable because they're amongst friends etc, you can't judge kids based on meet ups

How can you 'accidently' pull on a back pack so hard you pull someone off their feet and rip an oilskin bag?

DollyMixture - do you have DC? What exactly was OP's dd supposed to do re the bag and telling her mum (especially as the bag will need replaced) OTHER than tell her mum what happened?

That's not "being a telltale" that's just telling what happened!

Frankly your attitude toward OP's dd is appalling!

And yes! If the girl who ripped the bag - due to her own irresponsible actions which she is MORE than old enough to know better! - were to go into school and bitch about getting told off for it, turning others against OP's dd that WOULD be bullying - it's ostracisation!

While I agree that doing it in group chat was off. I too think other mum would've reacted in a "ffs I don't get what the big deal is" way anyway - and that's unacceptable. With what else op says about this child, reading between lines it seems entirely possible she's careless (at best!) generally and her mother doesn't teach her better!

I'm sure I'm not the only mner come across families like this! And ime if it had been OP's dd ripped the other girls bag other mum would've thought it a "big deal" then cos this type of person just thinks everything should be to suit them/their family. Seen it loads!

"You were out of order to say anything at all" completely disagree! This was not a minor incident and not a one off! Time the other mum started to actually parent!

"How do you accidentally grab someone's bag and almost pull them off their feet?" Exactly! I'm particularly sceptical given as I and a pp noted, that there was a fad for this exact action that was a form of bullying and many schools specifically banned the practice.

It was not an accident it was at best carelessness at worst a nasty attempt to humiliate OP's dd.

That's why in my first post I asked op if she's SURE the 2 girls are really friends. Unfortunately at this age there can be situations which develop where 2 children are thought to be friends when in fact there's a very controlling dysfunctional dynamic going on.

I’m with the “ These things happen” Brigade. I can’t imagine contacting anyone about it, even if my child had fallen over. It was children messing around. It’s what they do and unfortunately clothes and bags get ripped sometimes. Par for the course.

.it was children messing around. It’s what they do and unfortunately clothes and bags get ripped sometimes. Par for the course

Where the hell are people buying their bags and clothes that any behaviour deemed playing could damage them so badly ?

If you saw red you should NOT have reacted as the reaction will never be productive. The tone of your message was rude and I’m unsure why you decided to post it in a group chat. YABVU.

I did this to my best friend at school when we were about 12. She was really mad at me but I went straight to her house after I’d got money from my mum for a new one and took it to her gran. Her gran was really annoyed with me but eventually got over it and we’re still friends 25 years later!

FMD

Adorabelle. 🍹🥃. I think some posters have mixed up ‘3 person group chat’ with National Newspaper Headlines.

Her kids are rough/ferral/whatever, and this last thing has pushed you over the edge. Shit happens. Neither of you reacted terribly well, but you’ll both get over it. No limbs lost.

Have a think about the outcome you want.

If you want things back how they were then send her a text saying sorry you mentioned the cost, it’s not really that, it’s just that DD liked the bag and it can’t be repaired, glad it’s half term...see you after the break kind of thing.

If you are happy to have gone your separate ways, just leave it.

Oh and whoever said ‘It takes two’ No, it really doesn’t. It only takes one to do something stupid like try to make someone land on their bum by pulling on their backpack.

I think you did the right thing. Imagine it reversed and your daughter did it to hers. I think she should have offered to pay for a new bag straight away. I would have taken a picture of the bag and sent it to get so she knew how bad it was then called her. I wouldn't have used the group chat as there was no need for the other mum to know. It's a little shaming. Hope you get a new bag sorted.

I know it's an awkward situation, but at the end of the day your daughter has had her bag ripped and that's not on.
I think your friend has got the hump over it. If she's offered to pay, just accept it and move on. Don't worry about it.
Her daughter needs reminding that's it's not acceptable to damage/wreck other people's property.

Yes! If I'd been the other mum:

Dd would have got a bollocking - not just for damaging property but also for doing something that could reasonably with just a little thought be expected to potentially hurt someone!

If dd hadn't told me herself BEFORE op did she'd have had a bollocking for that too!

If dd had told me first I'd have contacted op myself apologising and asking how much to replace, and endeavoured to replace ASAP.

Dd would be told to apologise to both OP's dd and op.

Dd would be losing pocket money until it was paid for!

And I HAVE been on both sides of a thing being broken or lost and that IS what I've done. The worst that dd broke was a phone screen which wasn't cheap! The worst someone else broke of ours was my freezer! Which the parent didn't even apologise or think the child should either! That child was no longer welcome in my home! I've occasionally seen the mum in town and she does at least tend to embarrassedly avoid me!

You aren't wrong in what you are feeling, but I think the way you handled it (on group chat) was a bit wrong.

How much did the bag cost? (was it very expensive? and that's why she's annoyed....e.g. ' she spends £x on an expensive school bag and then gets annoyed when it's gets damaged')

Maybe it's a good thing to cool off the friendship a bit, if her DC are a bit wild and disrespectful of other people's belongings there may be trouble ahead anyway?

How much did the bag cost? (was it very expensive? and that's why she's annoyed....e.g. ' she spends £x on an expensive school bag and then gets annoyed when it's gets damaged')

Pound land job or designer bag it's still not ok. And no one should base what they buy on other peoples' abilities or lack of to not act like an idiot.

I still say she's only pissed cos in front of another person she had to appear reasonable and offer to pay. She had no intention other wise

Op, don’t feel bad. You most certainly did not fuck up.
It’s very easy to sit behind a screen and tell someone they’re in the wrong. You snapped because this wasn’t the first time something has been damaged. Yes, in hindsight group chat wasn’t a good idea but it’s done now. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

Re the bag itself, what colour is it? Could you use an iron on mending patch from the inside to close the rip, then stitch or otherwise reinforce it from the outside? The sort of thing I'm thinking of (and use, a lot) is this stuff. (Link is to Amazon France).

im with you op especially if she has previous soundslike her parents havent taught her how to behave