Er, what?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Dd has come home from high school upset because a friend has ripped her school bag open and ruined it. Apparently the friend was mucking about and grabbed dd by her backpack, ripping the top of it clean open and nearly pulling dd off her feet. Obviously she didn’t mean to do it but the bag is now useless. It’s a waterproof oilcloth backpack and it’s ripped right through, I don’t think I can sew it up.

I messaged school friends mum, who is a friend of mine, we share school lifts etc just to say please tell school friend to be more careful in future, she’s ruined dd’s bag which I’ve now got to replace and she got the hump with me and has left our chat group saying she’ll pay for it but she’ll do school runs on her own in future. It happened at school, not on the way home.

Wtf? How is this my fault? Apparently her dd is upset because she’s been told off. Well yes, you piss about and cause damage, you get told off. They’re 11, they’re not babies.

WIBU in saying anything? I didn’t think she’d react like that. Wish I hadn’t bothered.

This isn’t the first time the girl has broken something of dds and I guess I saw red.

^YANBU- seems this girl has form for breaking other people’s stuff. I would have said something to the mother too. Maybe the mother should teach her daughter not to break other people’s stuff.

Say something to the mother for sure.

In a group chat on WhatsApp with another parent. Not so smartie.

She took it the way you meant it - that you wanted her to pay for a replacement. Which is fine, because as you point out it’s not the first time and you’re sick of her kids breaking stuff. But she got your very strong hint that you wanted money for a replacement. Maybe you just haven’t realised yourself you were hinting this

Yanbu to be annoyed, or request the money for a replacement.

Yabvu to bring it up in a group chat.

I’ve put up with her kids for years

If you have to "put up" with someone's children then maybe you shouldn't be friends with them in the first place. If I had children and found out someone was just putting up with them I doubt I would want to be friends with them any longer. Just a thought.

Similar age child. Would never have said anything in the first place. Certainly wouldn't have done it in front of anyone else. If the bag has been used that much for sleepovers and things, it's hardly brand new.

I wouldn't have mentioned it but then I've shrugged off previous episodes when other kids have broken something of DDs (not a valuable bag in fairness). I tend to put these things down to "kids will be kids" and leave it at that as I assume at some point DD will damage something belonging to someone else. It sounds as if this child's behaviour has grated on you for a while though and this was the last straw. Sending the message in a chat with another mum present was not cool and yes, mentioning the cost probably really annoyed her as well.

I would have been pissed off at the whole episode if I received the messages you sent from someone I considered a friend.

You want her to pay for the bag. And she might do that. But is it worth the damage to your friendship and the girls friendship?

It’s not that hard to rip a bag if they were messing about. If you think this something more serious than that and your daughter is being bullied then you need to speak to the mum and school. But you made it about money.

Maybe it’s not the worst thing for the kids friendship to cool. Maybe this girl is too boisterous for your daughter. I still have the same group of friends I had in primary school. Stuff happened between us all the time - our mums never got involved. They are now all in their seventies and still laugh at the stuff we got up to. There was one mum who did interfere - her daughter told her everything and she got way too involved. She was pushed out of the friendship group pretty quick - no one had patience for the drama, Especially ‘the mothers’. We were boisterous and mischievous and probably ripped a few school bags. But we have grown up into pretty ok adults and we are always there for each other.

Please don’t be that mum!!!!

but surely I’m not wrong to be pissed at the bag being spoilt?

I don't think one single person has disagreed with you on this point.

But you seem to be wilfully ignoring the actual issue here - you don't get why the other Mum has gone off in a huff, and we're trying to explain the very obvious reason for that.

And how awkward for Mum 3.

OP if this girl keeps breaking your DD stuff, is your DD good friends with her? Because maybe she just had enough of her in which case DD can deal with that herself and find a nicer friend.

It was a year old and perfectly alright.

When I say putting up with them, I just mean that her parenting style is a lot more lax and benign than mine and her kids have always been wild and rude but my two were friends with them for a while so I never said anything. I wish I hadn’t bothered this time but too late now.

What @Dollymixture22 said!!!

OK OP I now think that maybe this whole thing is what you all needed to take a break from each other

Highlighting that your friends daughter needs to be more careful (as from your responses this is not a one off) should have been a face to face with just the two of you. Text wasn’t an appropriate medium and definitely not on a group chat no matter how friendly you all are.

Also from your recent update it wasn’t one text there was clearly some back and forth. It almost sounds like you didn’t feel the other mum was taking it seriously again guessing her initial response was maybe “oh well these things happen”........

If the other DD does have previous form for damaging other people’s property, can understand your level of annoyance but you may not get the response/apology you were looking for.

Why are you ignoring the big chunk of the issue re the group chat?

That was totally wrong.

Oh I hope I’m not that mum. I don’t think I have been before.

I just thought she’d laugh it off like she does most things. She’s got fairly thick skin shall we say. Obviously not having a good day either.

Oh you definitely have been by messaging in a group chat.

Are you really that socially unaware?

Obviously not having a good day either.

Oh my god! You're really insisting on missing the issue.

You’re pretty judgmental about her parenting. Could this have come across in microagressions and today was the final straw?

Her DD grabs your DD's bag so aggressively it rips wide open... and SHE takes the hump.... not the friends you really need now is it ?

Absolutely this ^
Yanbu. And I'm a bit at PP saying you overreacted or shouldn't have messaged in the group chat.

Bad behaviour should be apologised for swiftly and amends should have been made before you even had the chance to message in the group chat about it.
The mum flouncing off in a huff is ridiculous and childish.

I’m not ignoring the group chat thing but I have explained that it’s only three of us about three times and as you seem to all be repeating each other I don’t know what else I can say.

I know I fucked that up. Honestly I do. I wouldn’t have done it like that if I’d honestly thought she’d react like that. She’s not usually so easily offended.

You're not listening!!

Complaining about it is not the problem. That's fine and you should be telling her.

BUT... You did it over text and even worse, in a chat with a third person. That's just not ok and I honestly don't know why you think it is.

Oh ffs... I don’t...

That was a MASSIVE MASSIVE fuck up. Far far bigger than two girls messing around.

You. Were. That. Mum.