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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 19/10/2018 13:15

"Get the snip or dont have sex. Your choice"

If he's young-ish OP it's because he'll see it as permanent and who knows if he'll want kids again in the future. Or if you break up he might want them with someone else. That's what will be running through the back of his mind somewhere.

em9283 · 19/10/2018 13:15

Your hubby is being daft!

Mine was also concerned but after I pointed out exactly what you did he agreed.

It didn't hurt, he was totally fine and he ended up being cross at having booked a week off work!

AngelsSins · 19/10/2018 13:16

He thinks it will hurt?! Jesus Christ!! Does he not think forced periods hurt, or abortions, or even child birth for that matter!

It’s totally up to him to take care of at this point, you’ve taken care of it all until now, you’ve birthed 2 children, if he doesn’t want anymore than he can put himself through the possibility of a bit of pain for a change.

Hengine · 19/10/2018 13:18

It’s up to him if he wants a vasectomy
Just as it’s up to you if you want to take hormonal contraceptives
If I was you I’d go for condoms and be honest about what you would choose if you did get pregnant because that would be your choice too

Copperbonnet · 19/10/2018 13:18

Because it will hurt? Confused

Was he there when you laboured to deliver his children?

Puggles123 · 19/10/2018 13:19

It’s very final, perhaps that’s a lot to deal with- as it may be for you if he asked if you would consider being sterilised. Not saying his opinion is correct, but until they develop a non permanent contraceptive for men then how about condoms?

Alfie19 · 19/10/2018 13:19

I think he is being unreasonable, not about the third baby but about placing (most of) the responsibility for contraception on you.

I don't have good advice though sorry, although a ban is coming to mind..

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:23

He is 37.

We have spoken about whether he would want children in the future if we split up I passed away (morbid I know) but he said absolutely not. He said he’s ‘done’ and absolutely does not want any more children.

I had to have c-sections for both births: the first was an elective and the second was an emergency.

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 19/10/2018 13:23

Tell him that you would definitely not have a termination and if he's ok with that, then condoms are fine. It's his choice. Or no sex.

elQuintoConyo · 19/10/2018 13:25

A vasectomy isn't just a snip and then tenderness for a couple of days - there can be horrendous side effects. Do some homework.

My DH refuses one, that's his perogative and i haven't pushed him. I refuse to take anything hornonal or have anything implanted or shoved up me, that's my perogative and he hasn't pushed me.

So it is rubbers all the way for us.

We have one DC, we both only want one DC, we have stopped at the number we want.

You are within your rights to feel what you feel, but not right to demand things.

AngelsSins · 19/10/2018 13:25

^I agree. Tell him you’ll have to use condoms, but if you get pregnant, you won’t be getting an abortion.

StormCloudsDoClear · 19/10/2018 13:25

A friend of ours went through similar with her husband, she wasn't adverse to having a third child but husband said no.

She requested he have the snip, he declined. So she basically said that's fine then, but I'm not responsible for contraception and will not talked the MAP you want sex you supply a condom or suffer the consequences.

Their 3rd child was born in January he's now had the snip a few weeks ago 😂

She's known for sticking to her guns and I fucking salute her lol 😂

SharpLily · 19/10/2018 13:26

If he is adamant he doesn't want children he should be prepared to take responsibility for his decision, as women have to all the time. He sounds pretty selfish, to be honest. He should at least be looking into what's involved rather than having a knee jerk reaction to possible pain.

Under your particular circumstances I'd be telling him no snip, no sex.

gamerchick · 19/10/2018 13:26

If you have trouble with hormones, the MAP wouldn't be a good Idea anyway.

Tell him fine he takes responsibility with condoms but if an accident happens you won't be taking no pill or having any abortion.

Or no sex at all.

He might take extra care with those condoms.

Clandestino · 19/10/2018 13:30

Your DH is a coward and a twat. No other way around it.
Tell him to go and fuck holes in trees if he doesn't want to share responsibility.

Marmelised · 19/10/2018 13:32

My husband told me i could have no idea how painful his (no complications whatsoever) vasectomy was and was most upset when i pointed out that childbirth was known to sting a bit too. He later had the grace to apologise.

Clandestino · 19/10/2018 13:34

@Marmelised - I spat my tea at the screen. Men really have no fucking clue, do they?

serbska · 19/10/2018 13:35

I am not prepared to take steps towards contraception any more.

DH, if you don''t want more children you will need to use condoms, get the snip or abstain. Personally I am happy with any of those Your choice.

Onthebrink87 · 19/10/2018 13:37

Buy him a flesh light. I hear they can't get pregnant! Sounds like a silly solution but so does his!

Juells · 19/10/2018 13:39

That's what will be running through the back of his mind somewhere.

Yes, my ex definitely definitely definitely didn't want any more children. Until the OW wanted them, then he had another two Grin

Alienspaceship · 19/10/2018 13:39

He either wants more children or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, he can get the snip. Place the ball firmly in his court. (No pun intended).

2b1c51 · 19/10/2018 13:42

No advice, but me and my DH have been having the exact same conversation for over a year...

dolorsit · 19/10/2018 13:43

I believe in bodily autonomy so I don't think he should have the operation if he doesn't. want it. I can sympathise with your annoyance.

Just make it clear you won't be taking the MAP or having an abortion.

EmmaGhostGhoul · 19/10/2018 13:44

Vasectomy or our sex life is over.

Repeat x 1000.

All other methods of contraception have failure rates and you can't rely on the MAP

GloomyMonday · 19/10/2018 13:47

I don't think it's fair to manipulate him into a vasectomy. To deny sex, to fuck a hole in a tree, to buy a fleshlight? It's an operation, a permanent procedure and one that he just isn't ready for.

He has said he's happy to use condoms so is, at least, trying to take some contraceptive responsibility from op. He isn't insisting that she continue with the coil or take the pill. What he does need to understand is that a pregnancy arising from a condom failure will continue.

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