Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 14:48

@makeahouseshome But you think he is entitled to walk away from the child he created with OP, because HIS chosen form of contraception failed and OP justifiably won't bail him out?

OP has already suffered pain from the chosen contraception method of the coil and has asked her husband to take his share now.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2018 14:48

But the choice of 'no sex' isn't OP being punitive. It's not saying 'no vasectomy, no sex'. It's telling him that he is now responsible for contraception and that the method he wants to use is not always reliable. It's telling him that IF that somewhat unreliable method fails and she becomes PG that means they will be having a baby as she will not terminate. It's informing him that IF he wants to be sure there will be no unintended PG yet does not want a vasectomy then the only 100% effective method left is abstinence (or only non-PIV sexual activities).

It's giving him the information he needs to make an informed choice. If, after making her position re MAP/abortion clear, he still says he will accept responsibility by using condoms then he is also accepting the possibility that an accidental PG will occur and he and OP will be having another child. If he is unwilling to accept that possibility and responsibility (meaning he'd still expect OP to terminate) then she is absolutely within her rights to tell him no PIV.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 14:51

*I agree with the poster who says he doesnt want to do it because he only knows for certain that he doesnt want more kids with you

He is somewhere in the back of his head not ruling it out with somebody else*

Seriously??? Where did that come from?

PurpleAndTurquoise · 19/10/2018 14:55

OP you said you want him to. E the one to use contraception to avoid pregnancy. He has chosen condoms. I am not sure why you say it has to be vasectomy. Can he not choose his own method of contraception if he the one responsible?

Deadringer · 19/10/2018 14:55

I agree with pps. Use condoms with the understanding that you will not be having an abortion or taking the map in the event of a pregnancy. And if you do get pregnant again, a vasectomy will be required after the birth. Those would be my terms anyway.

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 14:57

He's offered condoms plus MAP

He's offered the MAP? No, he's told her she has to use it if the condom fails, told her she needs to put hormones in her body that she doesn't want. He doesn't get to decide that.

penisbeakers · 19/10/2018 14:57

Christ.

Contraception is the responsibility of BOTH PARTIES. If he doesn't want another child then that's his choice not to want one, but if he wants sex then he has to realise there are pregnancy risks. If he asked you to get your tubes tied, you'd be furious. It's his body, as much as him complaining about pain is pathetic in comparison to the pain you and have endured.

Use condoms, but make sure he understands that if they fail and you end up pregnant that you'll not be terminating. Just like it's his choice not to have the snip, it's your choice to keep a baby.

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 14:58

How are condoms "his" form of contraception... they are both of theirs. I think he would be WELL within his right to walk away, he has made it crystal clear he doesn't want anymore children but tbe OP seems to be quite happy with a situation whereby an accident happens and he has no choice.

If they cannot agree between them like adults then they don't have sex but no one should be blackmailed (i.e. i will trap you with a child if an accident happens) into having surgery.

Equally, i think is a rather outdated view to say no vasectomy no sex etc. I enjoy sex with my partner just as much as he does!

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 14:59

Penisbeakers, just as it is his choice to walk away from said baby if it came along.

reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 15:01

*@MakeAHouseAHome

If they cannot agree between them like adults then they don't have sex but no one should be blackmailed (i.e. i will trap you with a child if an accident happens) into having surger*y.

Or blackmailed that if you don't get the MAP or terminate I'll leave you and having nothing to do with the child! I cannot believe you actually put the above paragraph! The irony!

AdoraBell · 19/10/2018 15:02

He has not offered MAP.

He’s said he’ll use condoms and OP will take MAP if needed. Despite knowing that hormonal contraceptives cause her problems.

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 15:03

@reallyreallynow, so you think blackmail to have surgery is fine but saying you will walk away if someone proceeds to have a child you don't want is outrageous....

jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 15:04

@QueenofmyPrinces has sex stopped because either of you are reluctant to use condoms?

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 15:06

Wow, MakeAHouse, that would make this man a real cunt.

Seniorschoolmum · 19/10/2018 15:07

Tell him you’re ceasing to use contraception, so his choice is condoms or the snip. His choice Smile

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 15:08

@LeftRightCentre it absolubtely would not. He could not have been clearer he does NOT want anymore children. He has as much right about what to do with contraception/surgery/children as the OP does. If that means they end up in a stalemate so be it. But it seems that people think only the woman is entitled to make a choice here.

reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 15:10

@MakeAHouseAHome currently the couple are not having sex, this is not OP blackmailing her OH. OP is also losing out by not having sex.

They need to agree a contraception that suits them, this needs to bear in mind that OP has already suffered significant issues, health issues, pain and unpleasantness whilst taking responsibility for their contraception.

Why is it all about the surgery of the snip? Yes it may hurt for a while but if the OP takes a really reliable form of contraception she's also going to suffer. Which for some reason as it's not surgery you deem it acceptable?

The vasectomy is less invasive than the OP being sterilised, if the DH is concerned about his own pain post op he must realise that OP would suffer more and that's on top of previous contraception issues and two c sections.

I suppose I just thought it could be a bit of give and take........

You know like in a marriage!

Reallyreallynow · 19/10/2018 15:11

@LeftRightCentre I agree but I'm beginning to think that @MakeAHouseAHome is the DH!

Omzlas · 19/10/2018 15:11

IMO you've 'done your part' OP, my and DH are in a similar position (2 DC and don't want more) and although he wasn't sure at first, he's agreed to have the snip shortly because he agrees that after years of trying / losses / ectopic / 2 subsequent pregnancies, I have indeed done the lions share

While he has zero right to dictate "Well you can take the MAP", I also think that you have no right to say "vasectomy or no sex", imagine the responses if you'd posted "hubby says a need to be sterilised or he won't have sex with me"!!!!!!

Could you leave it a little while, find some info on it, success rates, speak to any blokes who you know who have had it etc etc and present the information again in a few months?
I know at least half a dozen blokes who have had it and not one has had a single issue. That's not to say that he won't but I believe that the % of men who do have issues following the procedure is very low

Good luck OP

BakedBeans47 · 19/10/2018 15:13

Condoms, vasectomy or abstinence would be the options I’d be giving. Just make clear to him that if there was a contraceptive failure with condoms it would be your choice as to whether to take the MAP or terminate. Not his. If he wants to keep having sex but not be a father vasectomy is the sensible option.

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 15:13

@LeftRightCentre I agree but I'm beginning to think that @MakeAHouseAHome is the DH!

Yep. 'Gimme sex on my terms but if you get pregnant and don't do what I want I'm outta here.' Anyone who does this is a straight up cunt.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 15:13

LeftRightCentre it absolubtely would not. He could not have been clearer he does NOT want anymore children. He has as much right about what to do with contraception/surgery/children as the OP does. If that means they end up in a stalemate so be it. But it seems that people think only the woman is entitled to make a choice here.

Surely then he should have a vasectomy! She cannot use hormonal contraception without suffering,did you read the OP?

Darkstar4855 · 19/10/2018 15:16

The vasectomy is less invasive than the OP being sterilised

It is also ten times less likely to fail.

Agree with PPs: he has the right to refuse a vasectomy, she has the right to say she will not use hormonal contraceptives/MAP or have a termination. She is not “forcing” him into anything - she is allowing him to make an informed choice about the level of risk he is willing to take.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 15:18

The posters implying I’m blackmailing him or that I have no right to tell him what to do etc, you are right but are you forgetting that it will be ME who has to suffer the consequences if his choice of contraception fails?

I will either have to take the MAP or terminate against my wishes or have a pregnancy that my husband doesn’t want that apparently he’s perfectly allowed to walk away from because he’s always been clear he doesn’t want anymore children?!

I don’t think he’s the innocent victim in any of those scenarios to be honest....

OP posts:
jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 15:19

@QueenofmyPrinces I agree with you!