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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
AnnabelC · 19/10/2018 14:19

Most days. I was sterilized. Doctors advice but I have never got over it. I have kept it to myself all this time. I thought I didn’t have the right to be upset. But it’s a massive choice to be taken away.

Elementtree · 19/10/2018 14:20

Yes, op, don't you know you could wrap yourself in knots with various birth control methods so that he can carry on having everything his way? Hmmm?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 14:20

I haven’t got the Coil in at the moment because we’re not having sex. Initially because breast feeding completely killed my libido and I had no interest whatsoever. My periods returned a few months ago and have thankfully kick started my sex drive which is when I first then mentioned to my DH about the vasectomy so normal sex life could resume.

We are now 2-3 months down the line and still no sex because he won’t see his GP,

I wouldn’t have a termination but on the other hand I would also worry how me potentially having another baby would affect our mariage if it wasn’t what he wanted Sad

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 19/10/2018 14:21

I know so many men who had a first family and were adamant they wouldn't want more, then divorced and then found they either couldn't (already had vasectomy, a couple tried to reverse) or they did (no vasectomy obviously). Given the 40/50% divorce rate, I think making irrevocable choices about your ability to procreate isn't something I'd want to do. I'm a woman so obviously I didn't have the choice of being able to carry on, but I wouldn't have wanted it taken away from me even though I was in a stable relationship and felt 'done'. Perhaps he doesn't either.

OrdinarySnowflake · 19/10/2018 14:21

Bumpitybumper - but he doesn't want to avoid a 3rd DC enough to deal with it.

What she needs to spell out is she won't take the MAP or have an abortion. So now he has to take the decision what level of risk he wants to take.

The OP is stressed because she still sees contraception as her problem to fix. It's not anymore, she has to make the mental leap, and make it clear to her DH that she has and all the thinking and planning is down to him, she'll do nothing to avoid another pregnancy, in the same way he did nothing to avoid pregnancy previously. His job, he can pick, his fault if it goes 'wrong'. She won't have an abortion.

Junkmail · 19/10/2018 14:21

He’s being silly. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago and what a relief for us both. I have zero contraceptive worries and who wants to be fucking about with condoms forevermore?? Tell him if he doesn’t want any more children he needs to take responsibility for that decision. It’s such a simple procedure—he would be in and out in a few hours, very quick recovery time. It’s a no-brainer and much more fair on you OP.

Orchiddingme · 19/10/2018 14:22

I agree the OP should also state her position over MAP/abortion, I wouldn't be doing those things either, so he can then decide what he wants to do.

OrdinarySnowflake · 19/10/2018 14:23

Seen your last message OP - why not condoms if he's happy to take the risk? You could double up with tracking your most fertile days and avoiding those.

Long term, if he's happier to not have sex than have the snip or use condoms, that's going to damage your relationship.

Fatted · 19/10/2018 14:28

DH and I had a similar situation. Neither of us wanted anymore. I didn't want any more hormone based contraceptives and he didn't want the snip. We made do with condoms.

Since having my youngest I've been having excessively heavy periods and ended up anemic. There are no underlying health issues so I have had to resort to having the injection to stop my periods. I'm not happy about it, but the side effects of it are better than the side effects of being anemic.

jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 14:29

*I haven’t got the Coil in at the moment because we’re not having sex. Initially because breast feeding completely killed my libido and I had no interest whatsoever. My periods returned a few months ago and have thankfully kick started my sex drive which is when I first then mentioned to my DH about the vasectomy so normal sex life could resume.

We are now 2-3 months down the line and still no sex because he won’t see his GP*

^^This is not good for any relationship, he was happy to have sex all the time you were taking responsibility and suffering, happy for you to go and have a further mirena inserted, which he knows is awful for you........but he is scared that the vasectomy might hurt?

FFS he's being so bloody selfish when he knows you can't have hormonal contraception. My DH has had a vasectomy, it's been a dream, no issues, no contraception fail worries. Just a nice relaxed sex life without worrying.

to the PP that cited divorce as a reason for not having the snip, he is currently married to a woman that has a long term health issue which means she can't take hormonal contraception. How about he worries about current partner before he moves on to the next one??

blueskiesandforests · 19/10/2018 14:30

Bodily autonomy has to work both ways.

He doesn't want a vasectomy and has the right to say no.

You don't want to use the coil any more and have the right to say no.

He doesn't want another child.

You do want another child.

You have taken responsibility for contraception for 8 years and suffered 8 years of unpleasant side effects.

He is not willing to take responsibility for contraception beyond using condoms.

The side effects if condoms are unwanted pregnancy.

He expects you to suffer the side effects of his contraceptive choice by taking the morning after pill or having an abortion (despite the fact he knows you'd like another child).

Taking the morning after pill or having an abortion impacts your bodily autonomy.

An abortion, especially if you want another child, will probably negatively impact you life long.

Would he leave or blame you if he got you pregnant using a condom and declined to take the morning after pill, or if neither of you realised that the condom had a tiny split and you discovered your pregnancy weeks later and declined an abortion?

He wants his bodily autonomy, he doesn't respect yours equally.

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 14:33

YABU. Your husband not wanting a vasectomy is the same as you not wanting to use a coil. Both are equally valid personal choices. It seems your Partner and you are both happy to ise condoms though I get they aren't 100%.

TBH though the undertone seems to be that you wouldn't mind if they didn't work because he would just have to live wih having another child.

To me that seems the wrong attitude to have and if you chose not to take MAP etc then he would equally be within his rights to walk/say he wanted no part in raising him/her etc.

Juells · 19/10/2018 14:35

then he would equally be within his rights to walk/say he wanted no part in raising him/her etc.

He shouldn't have sex, then.

jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 14:39

@makeahouseahome, you cannot be serious that if a woman chooses not to take the MAP to say the father has the right to have no part in raising a child that HE HAS FATHERED!

Your comment about OP wanting them to fail is irrelevant, she cannot make them fail it's a consequence of using condoms not something OP has any control over. So that is a ridiculous comment IMO!

Scrumymum · 19/10/2018 14:39

I had a friend who told me her husband was really annoyed that there was a two year waiting list to have the snip. I was like WTF?

Basically he told her he was on a 2 year waiting list so it would stop her going on about him having the snip. She actually believed him (but I set her straight!).

blueskiesandforests · 19/10/2018 14:39

Makeahouse why does the OP's husband have the right to decline responsibility for anything? He won't have a vasectomy, but if his choice of contraception fails the woman has to take morning after pill if they realise that the condom has failed, or if they don't realise til later she has to have an abortion she doesn't want or else he'll be within his rights to leave her to raise his baby and older children alone.

He gets bodily autonomy there and she doesn't.

A condom fail cannot avoid impacting on the woman's bodily autonomy.

MoltenLasagne · 19/10/2018 14:41

The pill is hailed as one of the biggest breakthroughs for women's rights, how ironic that men now use it to prop up their entitlement to consequence-free sex no matter how their wives and partners feel.

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 14:42

@MoltenLasagne that's an excellent point!

YearOfYouRemember · 19/10/2018 14:43

I've only read your OP so I can reply from that.

Dh and I have three kids. We've lost two others and the youngest and I nearly died at delivery. We were advised not to have any more children Sad. Before baby was one dh had had the snip. He would have liked more children but not to risk my life. I'd done the hard work of several pregnancies, operations and deliveries so he felt it was his time to take the hit.

I appreciate he did this even though I wasn't 100% happy. Though I know he did the right thing.

You can't force an operation on anyone but you should stop contraception that is causing you so much difficulties. Condoms are acceptable. It is also totally acceptable not to want to take the morning after pill and/ or have a termination.

Decision is his. Choices are obvious. Consequences are clear.

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/10/2018 14:44

End of the day there is always someone who has to make the bigger sacrifice, I'm not saying it SHOULD be the OP but I also don't think by default it should be the OPs husband. The OP is within her rights to refuse him sex if she wishes as well.

Expecting a man to have a vasectomy is no different to expecting a woman to be sterilised.

Deliphant · 19/10/2018 14:45

He's offered condoms plus MAP - this will be fine

sonandhelpneeded · 19/10/2018 14:45

@Deliphant the MAP is irrelevant the OP doesn't want to take it.

AdoraBell · 19/10/2018 14:45

I would explain- in a super calm voice- exactly what happens through pregnancy, the baby kicking you from inside, your internal organs being moved as the baby grows, the baby drawing nutrients from you even if you can’t eat due to morning sickness. Then I would follow up with the mechanics of getting said baby out of your body. How the cervix opens up and your pelvis separates. Then I’d find some lovely videos on YouTube to show him.

YearOfYouRemember · 19/10/2018 14:46

By the way, the operation didn't hurt dh and he was back at work the next day.

Siun · 19/10/2018 14:47

I agree with the poster who says he doesnt want to do it because he only knows for certain that he doesnt want more kids with you

He is somewhere in the back of his head not ruling it out with somebody else

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