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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:

thereallochnessmonster · 19/10/2018 13:47

I'd use condoms and stop putting unecessary drugs in my body.

You can't make your h have a medical procedure he doesn't want to have!

mostdays · 19/10/2018 13:48

I got sterilised.

I resent it.

I have had to make my peace with it. DH said he was willing to use condoms, or to abstain from PIV. I wasn't. DH was 100% sure he was done having children. I wasn't as sure as him.

In the end, me being sterilised was the least worst option for me, but there will always be part of me that isn't happy that DH prioritised avoiding potential discomfort for him over protecting me from the consequences of unintended pregnancy .

huttub · 19/10/2018 13:49

Tell him you're having the coil re over and contraception is his responsibility now. Also tell him if you have an accident you won't take the MAP or have a termination

huttub · 19/10/2018 13:50

Re over? Removed!

Bumpitybumper · 19/10/2018 13:52

@EmmaGhostGhoul
*Vasectomy or our sex life is over.

Repeat x 1000.

All other methods of contraception have failure rates and you can't rely on the MAP*
This a million times over. Condoms are actually only around 80% effective against preventing pregnancy so wouldn't suggest that they represent a long term solution. Realistically if you were to fall pregnant it would absolutely be your prerogative to refuse to take the MAP if you are desperately hoping for a third child, but babies put a big strain on relationships at the best of times and ideally all babies born into this world should be wanted by both parents.

Purpleartichoke · 19/10/2018 13:54

I would stop the hormonal bc. I refuse to take it as it caused me no end of problems. (Glad it is available for those who think it is worth it)

Also ok to say no to MaP or termination.

He can choose condom sex with risk of parenting, no sex, or vasectomy.

OrdinarySnowflake · 19/10/2018 13:55

We are in a similar situation.We did want a 3rd baby until we had DC2 and then we are both agreed that we're done. However, I can't take the pill and don't want to get the coil. I made it clear to DH and it's down to him. He dances around the whole vascetomy idea, but we are on 5 years of using condoms - I've said I won't take the MAP or have an abortion, so it's really down to him.

I think it helps that we both wouldn't want to plan a 3rd, but if it happened, neither would think it was the end of the world. Condoms aren't all that unrelable if you are sensible.

Just tell him again, you won't take the MAP or have an abortion. You aren't using any contraception - so it's down to him one way or another. Remind him that if you have an accidental pregnancy, he was warned that condoms aren't 100% reliable and he has to face the concequences.

Then just leave it. If you are happy to have a 3rd baby, don't see why you should be getting stressed about him having the snip if you've spelt out the risks and that you won't have an abortion. (And I would tell him you won't have teh MAP, it's not something to be relied on).

No drama. Don't stress. Make it his responsibility.

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 13:57

He's being a dickhead. This is very simple. 'Condoms it is then. But I have autonomy over my body, too. So I will NOT be putting hormones in it that I don't want, like the MAP, or having a termination I don't want if the condoms fail and I become pregnant.' And that's it. He wants to take chances because he doesn't want a medical procedure, then that's his lookout.

he said I would have to take the MAP.

I would have called him out on this for the cunt statement it is. 'You don't get to dictate to me what I do with my body.'

Elementtree · 19/10/2018 14:00

It's his body and his choice.

And personally, it would be my choice to consider him a bit of a bloody coward.

TurtleCove · 19/10/2018 14:01

After you've had 2 children and enough shitty experiences with contraception for years, HE'S worried that a vasectomy will hurt?
What a twat.

Bumpitybumper · 19/10/2018 14:01

@OrdinarySnowflake
I think OP is right to worry about this because she knows that her DH doesn't want a third child. It's all very well saying that of condoms fail then that's it OP gets her much longed for baby, but this could be disastrous for their relationship and for their family. There are no guarantees that OP's DH will come to terms with having a child he wouldn't choose to have and I think OP is right to really fight to get this issue resolved properly.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/10/2018 14:04

Christ what a baby.

As other have said if hormonal contraception doesn't work for you, a MAP would probably be dangerous too.

Point this out with bells on.

Vasectomy or no sex. Full stop.

Tell him to grow up.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2018 14:05

I agree with PPs that it is now up to him. Get your coil removed and hand him a box of rubbers. And tell him that although it is now down to him to prevent pregnancy, it will be 1000% up to you to decide what will happen if there is an unintended one.

But the thing that stuck with me is him saying you will have to take the MAP if you get PG. 'HAVE TO'? This implies that he feels he is entitled to control your body. It's confirmed by the fact that he expects you to sort contraception to facilitate his choice. Fuck that. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that what goes on in your body and what you put in it (or have removed from it) is YOUR decision and no one else's. If he wants to control whether or not you get PG then his only decision is vasectomy.

I had my tubes tied at 40 but it was a mutual decision. DH was also a vasectomy-coward but for me the bigger issue was that having more children wasn't wise for me for medical reasons.

Jenny17 · 19/10/2018 14:06

Hubby doesn’t want baby no3. OP does but has compromised. If hubby doesn’t want baby no3 ball is in his court to prevent. Use counting method plus condoms?

Sallygoroundthemoon · 19/10/2018 14:06

I'm with your DH here. Nobody should be blackmailed into having an op and it's very reasonable to say his preference would be for any unplanned pregnancy not to continue. He has that right. You also have the right to say you what you do or do not want in your body. However, how would any of you feel if your partner said be sterelised or no sex? Sounds pretty abusive to me. Besides, there are other alternatives to coils, condoms or hormones. The cap, diaphragm, sponge, combined with fertility tracking for example. All just as reliable if used properly and if you add in condoms as well you'll be using 3 types of contraception at once. You'd have to be pretty careless to get pregnant that way.

Aridane · 19/10/2018 14:08

*Vasectomy or our sex life is over.•

•Repeat x 1000.•

Borderline abusive?

Rebecca36 · 19/10/2018 14:08

You could be sterilised if you are absolutely certain about having no more children. It's not a big procedure nowadays, used to mean abdominal incision but not now. I know you feel it might be 'his turn' in some ways but at the end of the day, does that really matter. Plus you wouldn't have problems in later life as a result of sterilisation and men often do if they've had a vasectomy.

It's just a suggestion, it's up to you two to decide what to do but wouldn't it be lovely to get rid of that coil once and for all.

Aridane · 19/10/2018 14:08

bold fail

BarbarianMum · 19/10/2018 14:08

Not sure I see the problem here. He's now responsible for contraception (condoms) and you make it clear there'll be no MAP or termination if they dont work. If hes not happy with that he can abstajn or get the snip.

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 14:14

You could be sterilised if you are absolutely certain about having no more children. It's not a big procedure nowadays, used to mean abdominal incision but not now.

Did you miss the part about her wanting another child? And it is indeed a much bigger procedure for a female to be sterilised than a male, it involves a GA and gas being pumped into your abdomen and keyhole incisions for the instruments. It's more expensive than vasectomy so a lot of trusts no longer fund it. She doesn't want to be sterilised, so why should she?

bershetmelon · 19/10/2018 14:14

He is within his rights to refuse a vasectomy just as you are within yours to make it his responsibility to find appropriate contraception, refuse the MAP and refuse an abortion. I'd put it like that to him, contraception is as much his responsibility as it is yours!

LeftRightCentre · 19/10/2018 14:16

Plus you wouldn't have problems in later life as a result of sterilisation and men often do if they've had a vasectomy.

Plenty of women do in fact experience problems later in life due to sterilisation. That's becoming apparent now, especially those who were sterilised using the Ensure procedure.

BeefTomato · 19/10/2018 14:16

Borderline abusive?

No of course not. OP doesn't have to have sex with anybody if she doesn't want to, even her husband, especially if he says that she will have to take the MAP if his preferred method of contraception fails.

Jobjobjob · 19/10/2018 14:17

I'm sorry I do not understand all these just tell him no sex, like women only have sex to please the man and don't enjoy it in their own right.

I would be mightily pissed off if DH's decision was turning off my sex life as well, how is that fair?

I would be saying fine we use condoms but no MAP and no terminations. Be clear and concise and don't give it another thought, just carry on as usual.

Fink · 19/10/2018 14:18

If it were me, I'd suggest a combination of charting and condoms, but make it really clear what your boundaries are on MAP and abortion. Charting and condoms together would be very very reliable, but ultimately if a person is absolutely adamant that they don't want more children at all ever, then the only 100% guaranteed way to achieve that is abstinence.

NHS states that typical use rates are 76% effectiveness for NFP and 82% for condoms (98-99% for both when used properly), so to use both together would be as safe as you could get without either of you having surgery or invasive and painful procedures.

I sort of emotionally agree with you on the point that if he's the one who doesn't want a pregnancy then he should be the one to sort that out (after all, men are fertile pretty much all the time, women are only fertile for between 2%-8% of their lives), and I definitely agree that you shouldn't have to go through the horrors of the coil if it doesn't suit you ... but maybe something like the above could be a compromise where even though you think his reasons for not wanting a vasectomy are silly, you still acknowledge that he doesn't want it done and move the discussion on from there.

Absolutely refuse to get another coil though. It clearly doesn't work for you.

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