To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

Vasectomy doesn't hurt.

My (ex) wife arranged for us to stop off and pick up some furniture she'd bought on eBay on our way home from my vasectomy, so I was lifting chairs into the back of the car. (That's not the reason why she's ex, by the way.) Tell your husband that, offer to be very kind and let him off furniture-humping and then tell him to show the same level of courage you'd expect from your 4½-year-old on a visit to the doctor. This is, of course, assuming that fear of pain is the real reason why he's refusing, which I would wonder about.

makeahouse - so it’s fine for a man to refuse to have a vasectomy to prevent an unwanted pregnancy (unwanted by him) but then walk away if his partner gets pregnant?

That’s what you’re actually saying?

It is easy for you both to take enough precautions for none of this drama to happen.

Use the cap + condoms + maybe abstain when near your most fertile and that will significantly lower your chances of becoming pregnant. Behave like an adult rather than trying to make a huge point out of it.

I would never recommend surgery to someone I cared about. It does not always work and sometimes the side effects are agonising.

When you talk to him again this evening OP, emphasise the positives. My DH had a vasectomy after the birth of our 3rd child when he was 39. He was initially apprehensive but went ahead with it and it really is the most marvellous thing - we have not had to think about contraception for the last 24 years! So tell him all about how, once done, it frees you up forever to have a wonderful sex life, liberated from the risk of pregnancy

Buy him a blow up doll for Christmas and get your coil removed that way your both happy.

cap?

*@eggsandwich

Buy him a blow up doll for Christmas and get your coil removed that way your both happy.*

Yeah coz only men enjoy sex so OP can just live happily in a sexless marriage?

I don’t blame you for not having PIV with him, I had awful MH side effects from the mini pill which have left me too worried to use HBC again. I don’t think I could stomach sex with a condom if a breakage would mean my DH pressuring me to use the MAP or have an abortion.

It sounds as though your DP is very cavalier regarding your health and mental wellbeing. He has to compromise and accept that a breakage will not be “dealt with” by you going through something you don’t want.

Maybe you could change how you have sex, have just a few minutes of PIV (with condom) and focus on non-penetrative sex so that you both get off but he doesn’t come inside you? Condoms + withdrawal should work, I think?

jobojob

Reign your neck in it was meant as a JOKE

Jesus!!!

I agree with the poster who says he doesnt want to do it because he only knows for certain that he doesnt want more kids with you. He is somewhere in the back of his head not ruling it out with somebody else

I’m afraid that is my impression too.

I can't believe the posters going on about sterilisation being no big deal. Mine was very painful, got infected and I was off work 2 weeks.

Childbirth was far easier!

Well, we had this discussion. I wanted a third child, DH wasn't sure. I told DH that in that case, he had to take charge of contraception.

So, unsurprisingly, we had DC3. Closely followed by DC4. (I also couldn't consider abortion, and whilst DC4 is adored, it was really hard for me to get my head around another pregnancy, another c-section, another recovery/breastfeeding. DH was less conflicted.)

So I took charge of the situation and was sterilized during the c-section of #4.

I have to say, 3 years down the line, it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Sex life is wonderful, and I am so relaxed knowing that I can't get pregnant again.

But, I was absolutely 100% certain it was the right thing for me. I was sorry to read that @mostdays feels the opposite. You have to be sure, which is why you shouldn't push him into it. It's his body.

I do understand why he might not want to get it done, I do and I respect that but it’s not fair that I’m then left with the shitty deal of either having a termination I don’t want or being ‘responsible’ for the breakup of a marriage and family because I continued a pregnancy that my husband didn’t want.

There no good outcome for me at all really.

Home a man does not get to walk away from the consequences of his choices, especially if he has been informed thoroughly and well in advance of those consequences. If OP's H wants sex, he will have to live with using condoms and risking another baby, or getting a vasectomy. His wife has said no more hormones, no MAP, no terminations. He knows this. If he then has sex with her and a baby results, he will be responsible and he will have to pay for that child. It's really very simple.

If a man wants a child and a woman does not then equally the woman makes the decision - because she is the one who has to bear the child. And in that situation the man absolutely has the right to walk away from the relationship unencumbered, because there is no child that he has fathered.

If YOU decide to proceed with a pregnancy, that is YOUR right/choice. If HE decides to walk away because he has made it categorically clear he does not want another child, and you deliberately go against that, then that is his choice.

But not so categorically clear that he won't have a vasectomy? But his wife should have an abortion? Or MAP?

Are you really thinking thinking that OP is deliberately going against that? She's abstaining from sex to avoid an unwanted by DH child?

Do you honestly think that she should should just agree to the MAP or abortion at this mans demand?

She is not abstaining from sex to force his hand, she's abstaining until she's in a position to have safe sex that she can enjoy? Not an unreasonable request? After all up until now she's made sure it's been that way.

I'd keep it simple. 'I'm fine with condoms, but I will not being taking the MAP or having a termination if there's a failure.'

Then he met me - we would have dearly loved a child together but she took that choice from him.

Oh, please! He's a grown man, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to go through with it. It's not a requirement to go sprogging off with every 'partner' you get with.

@LeftRightCentre I like your style!

FFS let's try and keep this marriage together by enabling a very important part of a marriage to continue! A sex life, one or other of them is going to lose patience over the current position very soon!

Let's not worry about the next relationship just yet!

Op you are right, there is no good outcome for you, because your dh is a selfish prick. He doesn't want any more dc, but he wants to continue to do the thing that creates dc, (and yes i know women like and want sex too) and yet he doesn't want to take steps to definitely prevent dc. And then he wants to blame you if dc are the result. It really is all about what he wants isn't it.

@QueenofmyPrinces, you are right. The woman does often the to deal with all of the consequences surrounding contraception/childbirth.
It should be a joint decision, but it often isn't as the consequences of having sex are not balanced.

How is your marriage normally? Can you have an open and frank discussion about your concerns with DH? When we discussed the possibility of DC3, my DH did recognize that it was cruel to expect me to take care of contraception when I wanted another child. If the contraception failed, I was left wide open to accusations of sabotage. Hence, he took over.

*@TheMonkeyMummy

How is your marriage normally? Can you have an open and frank discussion about your concerns with DH? When we discussed the possibility of DC3, my DH did recognize that it was cruel to expect me to take care of contraception when I wanted another child. If the contraception failed, I was left wide open to accusations of sabotage. Hence, he took over.*

That is exactly what a marriage should be like!

We have a great marriage, I can talk to him about anything. When we were in discussions about having number 2 (me wanting, him not) we had lots of really open and honest talks about how he felt and he knew how much I was struggling with the concept of not having another, hence why a year after discussions first began he agreed to TTC.

He knows I would like a third but we haven’t spoken seriously about it because I would never try and “talk him round” because I know how serious he is about being done now. Him agreeing to DC2 was a huge thing to me and I would never push my luck by starting on at him about number three. Although I still have fleeting thoughts and happy images of having a third baby I know it won’t happen and I’m absolutely fine with that.

My DH knows I’m fine with it, he knows I respect his feelings on the matter and he knows that I know that having a 3rd baby is not an option.

However, because he knows I’m respectful of his decision it’s seems to mean he thinks the contraception is all on me again and that it’s up to me to make sure that the pregnancy he doesn’t want, doesn’t happen.

I would honestly just say no more hormones. It's not blackmail.

I think you need to be very clear that you are handing contraception over to him and that you CAN'T take the MAP (it's a shit load of hormones) and you're not willing to have a termination, and you won't accept the responsibility anymore and it's 100% his to deal with.

My DH was terrified of having the snip but he agreed to have it at which point I was sterilised for other reasons anyway. Him being prepared to do it meant a lot to me though.

There is quite a few stupid men risking a life being made rather than have a short op or use condoms. What happens when a baby comes along? Do they just keep having more children they don't really want or do they mature and use contraception ?.

I don’t know how he has the nerve to refuse to have a vasectomy but TELLS you that he expects you to take the Map if/when condoms fail.

Good to see your update that you’re going to stick by your guns re:map. Good luck