To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

You just tell him, OP, if there's an accident you will not take MAP or have a termination you don't want.

makeahouseahome - no, the undertone is that because she's happy to have a 3rd child, the pressure on her to make sure the contraceptive choice they make as a couple is 100% isn't the same as the pressure on the partner who doesn't want another baby. If they both could agree that a 3rd baby would be a disater, or both agree that while it's not something they'd plan, they'd be happy with an accident, then the pressure to sort the contraception would be equal.

But he's the only one who definately doesn't want a 3rd baby. He doesn't get to dictate to the person who does want another child that they must have an abortion (and many people do view the MAP as an early abortion) if the choice he makes about contraception isn't very good and doesn't work.

But clearly, the OP and her DH are used to it being her job to sort, so are expecting her to fix the problem.

She needs a mental shift that it's no longer her problem to sort out. I would put money on him never once worrying when she was on the pill or the coil about if he also needed to use condoms or take responsibility.

The OP needs to do the same. She shouldn't refuse the condom option if that's what he wants to do, but must make it clear in advance she won't take the MAP or have an abortion and it isn't very reliable. He takes the risk of an unwanted 3rd child if he doesn't want a vasectomy, knowing that the risk is a 3rd child, a pregnancy won't end in abortion.

He's an adult, treat him as one. It's not your job to fix it anymore OP. It's ok to make it his job and stop worrying.

Sorry just seen your last post.

No, he doesnt get to walk away from a 3rd baby. I think you need to make that clear to him, or ask him before you start having sex again is he saying that he will walk away if you get pregnant with a 3rd and don't abort, because you won't abort.

You need to make him make decisions, not act like this isn't his job /responsibility.

You are still acting like you are the only one responsible for the concequences of contraception choices. That might have been the case in the past, but if he is saying no to a vacectomy, then he's saying yes to the possibility of a 3rd baby, and get him to think about what he would do if you were pregnant, and tell you in advance. If he would leave you, he should tell you. Ask him.

Use condoms but tell him first that If you get pregnant anyway you won't terminate, since I strongly suspect you won't. See if he still wants to proceed like this.

Your body has been through enough though.

It's not about the woman having more rights, the fact is it's the dh that doesn't want a baby, so he needs to take responsibility to ensure that a pregnancy doesn't happen.

Of course you aren't blackmailing him. You are just saying that if he wants to have sex he must now take proper responsibility to prevent an unwanted (by him) pregnancy. A responsibility you have shouldered alone for years.

Plenty of us would go a lot further than you have. No vasectomy would mean no sex.

I took contraceptive responsibility for almost 20 years. During that time we wanted and had our three DDs. DH had a vasectomy after DD3 was born. We were definitely "done" with having children by then, and he happily accepted that it was his turn to take the responsibility on.

So your DH thinks a vasectomy will hurt? All surgery comes with some discomfort or pain. Does he think that childbirth, caesareans etc. are pain free? Put him straight there.

We have this. I'd quite like another, a third, DH goes between yes and no. I'm not that fussed really but I don't do contraception as it gives me adverse side effects, and DH hates condoms. So I say it's either condoms, the snip or the risk of a baby. Funnily enough he decides to risk having a baby

My DHs ex swore she wanted no more kids and pressured him into a vasectomy. Then a few years later she left him for someone else and was pregnant within a month.
Then he met me - we would have dearly loved a child together but she took that choice from him.
The fact is it is his body and it is ultimately up to him what happens to it. It always amazes me that everyone goes on about women's right to choose and yet thinks it's ok to tell a man to get a vasectomy or have no more sex!!

I don't agree.

I think contraception is a joint responsibility.

Leaving it to him and refusing to engage because you want more kids is the equivalent to putting your fingers in your ears and singing la la la.

The decision whether to have more children or not is a joint one.
Contraception should reflect that too.

I wanted a third child- my OH didn't.

We came to the joint decision not to have another as his right was greater than mine in this instance.

We (I ) had been using contraceptive methods which were effective, suited me, suited both of us.

I carried on using contraception because it was a joint decision we had agreed on to stop having children.

These threads always end up in fights about reversals and twinges, but it's simple really.

You use condoms as he suggests. If you get pregnant, baby three is on the way. He makes his peace with that, or reconsiders his decision.

The one thing you absolutely should not do is put yourself through yet more pain and health complications, to save a grown man from having to face possible pain and health complications. You've done enough.

But with respect speakout that's totally irrelevant. Didn't you read the first post all the way through? She has not had a positive experience with the contraceptive options available to her.

*@speakout

I think contraception is a joint responsibility.

Leaving it to him and refusing to engage because you want more kids is the equivalent to putting your fingers in your ears and singing la la la.*

But OP is not doing that! She's abstaining from sex until this is sorted, she has stated why she can't use hormonal contraception and why it's not an option for her in the OP.

Bold fail!

sonandhelpneeded

My point was to some recent posters, not the OP.

He has no right to expect the MAP if a condom broke. Do not let him see that as a back up plan (unless you do).

If pain is his concern, hearing from other men might help. There are hundreds (or thousands!) of first hand accounts of vasectomies from men on reddit, mostly saying (I summarise) It Wasn’t That Bad.

I know because my DP had one so we looked.

It took half an hour on a Friday afternoon. He lay on the couch with frozen peas on Saturday, Out mowing the lawn on Sunday and back to work Monday!

Similar story here as @gingina said.
My Dh ex said she didn't want any more children and pressured him into having a vasectomy. Shortly afterwards she left him and had another child with her new partner.
He has now had to pay £££ to have a vasectomy reversal to enable him to have more kids.
It's his body and his choice. You wouldn't want to be pressured to have your tubes tied.

Both parties are adults, who can make choices about what they are prepared to do or not do when it comes to taking responsibility for the potential consequences of their actions.

Both have equal right to bodily autonomy. No one has the right to demand, force, or coerce a woman into taking anything or doing anything to terminate a pregnancy in the event she does not want to.

The man's time to choose his actions in full knowledge of the potential consequences, whether he likes them or not, is when he chooses to have sex with a partner, when he takes his share of the responsibility for limiting the potential consequence of having a baby, and this is particularly so when he does so in full knowledge of what the woman has chosen in terms of taking responsibility for limiting the potential consequence of having a baby and what she is prepared to do or not do, if the unintended consequence of sex is indeed an unplanned pregnancy.

But if a baby is the end result, the baby then has rights too, to parenting and support from both its mother and its father. And Daddy cannot choose to walk away from those (well, he shouldn't be able to do so, sadly so many seem to manage it without a qualm) just because he didn't not to shoulder any of the burden/pain of limiting the chances of pregnancy. He wants all of the pleasure, none of the (very real) pain.

I think he’s just being a wuss to be honest.

He’s previously had extensive orthopaedic surgery, 8 hours in theatre, a long recovery, off work for 10 weeks etc and he never complained about the pain, he loved telling people how it didn’t hurt and how ‘hard core’ he was.....

.....but now that his penis is involved he’s all about the pain...

When he’s home from work tonight I’m going to have the conversation again and as has been suggested just tell him that fine, condoms it is but there will be no MAP or TOP if anything goes wrong.

I couldn’t personally withhold sex from my DP if he refused to have the snip because I don’t purely have sex to appease him , I want it too!

Just stick to condoms but make it clear if they ever fail you will not be taking the MAP as you’re not allowed the hormones and you equally won’t be terminating.

I couldn’t personally withhold sex from my DP if he refused to have the snip because I don’t purely have sex to appease him.

I’m not withholding to punish him or blackmail him or anything like that, I’m just too worried to have sex in case the condom breaks/splits and the situation that may leave me in. I just can’t relax and in all the build up to penetration all that goes through my head is “what if I end up pregnant?” and then I have to make him stop because I don’t want to carry on.

I’m not withholding to punish him or blackmail him or anything like that, I’m just too worried to have sex in case the condom breaks/splits and the situation that may leave me in. I just can’t relax and in all the build up to penetration all that goes through my head is “what if I end up pregnant?” and then I have to make him stop because I don’t want to carry on.

That's horrible OP it's a shame he's not taking it so seriously, but I suppose he just thinks you'll "sort it" if a pregnancy does occur!

I’m presuming he would have to go private for a vasectomy? Our local surgery won’t refer men for vasectomy you have to use other formed of contraception , I thought this was the case nearly everywhere now

What aren’t men referred for them through the NHS? The cost?

If YOU decide to proceed with a pregnancy, that is YOUR right/choice. If HE decides to walk away because he has made it categorically clear he does not want another child, and you deliberately go against that, then that is his choice.

Imagine this was the other way round (man wanted kids, woman didn't) NO ONE would expect her to have surgery to sterelise herself, or NOT terminate if SHE wanted to.

The cap/diaphragm - easy, effect with spermicide and even more so if you use condoms as well. Barrier - non - hormonal, non - invasive.

Used mine for years.