To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

In the last ten days I’ve actually watched my husband have a scalpel free vasectomy it was quite interesting. He was in and out within 17 minutes didn’t even look mildly uncomfortable chatted about music with the doc who did it then spent the afternoon on the sofa whilst tweeting about pretending to be in pain so he could mess around on his phone instead of being functional.

Tiny hole which the tubes got eased out of then snipped and cauterised for some reason he even posted a pic of the procedure on Twitter

Exactly @SharpLily - it's ridiculous that any level of risk be untenable for men, such that the entirety must be pushed back onto the women.

Decent men recognise this, even if some women won't.

Not forgetting that not only is any pregnancy a risk to the health of the woman but it also creates an entire human being.

The choice here however is not simply vasectomy or pregnancy.

The choice is a large range of different contraceptive choices for both men and women, each coming with advantages and disadvantages and differing ranges of effectiveness in the prevention of pregnancy. Or just not DTD if a common ground cannot be reached.

e.g. Condoms alone with perfect use are up to 98% effective.

Problems following vasectomy are not most often simply through the surgery itself and can occur with delay many years after the surgery.

Over a period of time the blocked vas congests as the body tries to absorb more sperm, in some men it is eventually overwhelmed and increasing levels of congestive pain result.

In other men the sealed vas bursts under pressure after a period of time, granulomas form which cause pain, or leaking sperm which is immunogenic causes inflammation and pain.

In some cases the above cause nerve entanglement and further pain, other men may have pain due to surgical error but that is more rare.

The choice is a large range of different contraceptive choices for both men and women, each coming with advantages and disadvantages and differing ranges of effectiveness in the prevention of pregnancy.

Not if you are a female who is intolerant to hormones and don't want a copper coil.

And considering a potential side effect of pregnancy and childbirth is death it's disingenuous to scaremonger about vasectomy.

Condoms? Cap? Femidoms? I would say Tubal, but that seems to cause post tubal ligation syndrome in some cases, essure seems to came with some pretty bad problems also.

Not scaremongering, just stating potential outcomes.

It's quite hard these days to find anyone trained to fit a cap or diaphragm because of the drive to put women on LARC.

Can you still get caps and femmidoms?

Tubal ligation is also a far more invasive procedure than vasectomy and carries the risk of ectopic pregnancy.

@snoozywoozy0 - all of your alternative suggestions involve the women carrying the entire risk load.

Have your read the OP posts on this long thread?

The choice is a large range of different contraceptive choices for both men and women

What is this large range of different contraceptive choices for men?

What is this large range of different contraceptive choices for men?

Well they can jizz on your tit, a tissue, the bed, in a sock...........

He should at least be looking into what's involved rather than having a knee jerk reaction to possible pain.

A knee jerk reaction, if hard enough and in the right place might be just the ticket in the circumstances. 😉

he agrees that if they were to fall pregnant he would just have to accept that they were meant to have another baby.

This is all very well, but you can't actually know you're going to be accept something, or force yourself to do it. Accepting a pregnancy as a theoretical concept is something quite different to being willing and able to accept it when it happens. We've all read the threads on here when the bloke has had something similar to OPs feelings made clear to him, yet still kicks off when pregnancy happens. When a person genuinely doesn't want another child, it cannot be assumed that they will find they're able to accept one, even if that child's existence has been partially caused by their irresponsibility. It doesn't work like that. They can and should step up and put on their big boy pants, but that's not the same as being genuinely willing to accept the pregnancy, and these are cracks that it is very difficult to paper over.

*Problems following vasectomy are not most often simply through the surgery itself and can occur with delay many years after the surgery.

Over a period of time the blocked vas congests as the body tries to absorb more sperm, in some men it is eventually overwhelmed and increasing levels of congestive pain result.

In other men the sealed vas bursts under pressure after a period of time, granulomas form which cause pain, or leaking sperm which is immunogenic causes inflammation and pain.

In some cases the above cause nerve entanglement and further pain, other men may have pain due to surgical error but that is more rare.*

Wow, that sounds terrible - hang on, what are some of the risks of pregnancy, childbirth, termination and hormonal contraception?

Sorry, bold fail!

Apparently the GP gave a very wishy-washy “its perfectly safe” type speech and has referred my husband on.

I asked DH if he’d looked into any potential risks himself and he said “no, not really”. The GP told DH it can be quite a wait until the next appointment comes through so I guess he’s got time yet to do his own research - although I doubt he will.

My grandfather had a vasectomy at age 23/24ish after 2 children. His wife had already had 4 before they met. He was in the navy and went to the naval doctor and they agreed to it pretty easily.

"e.g. Condoms alone with perfect use are up to 98% effective."

Conndoms alone with perfect use are UP TO 98% effective.

I had this discussion with an ex once about those two magic words UP TO. He applied to a job advert saying the wage was up to £8. 50 an hour. They offered him the job and he asked just to confirm the hourly rate. It was minimum wage. He didnt take it and then said to me later on that they had lied on the job advert. I pointed out that they didnt They said UP TO £8.50 an hour.

These two words in this context do seem to be at best glossed over and at worst totally ignored.

It really isn't a drama, for the vast majority of men. Now, or in the past, for those of us with older generation family members who've had it done.

I'm not saying it's without risk. But likewise, I don't know any woman who hasn't incurred some sort of pain, discomfort, inconvenience, worry (e.g. unwanted pregnancy) complication and/or trauma throughout years of contraception, for some - termination, and (usually) multiple pregnancies and childbirth.

It's impossible for me muster up sympathy for men who won't do it.

For them to say:

• any risk to me is untenable
• and I see what you've put up with
• but it doesn't matter enough to me
• so I expect you to continue to shoulder the entire burden..

... is the very definition of pathetic.

And I agree Helena - I said as much about condoms upthread. Most long-term couples do not use them anywhere near effectively enough, in practice.

You are entitled to hold any opinion you like Dowager, it does not mean others must agree or listen.

Couples may split the contraceptive burden using condoms and a second method for better numbers.

It seems a lot of posters in this thread are really determined to ignore that option exists, which potentially may allow avoidance of using either system wide hormone or surgery risks for both partners.

If your partner refuses to use condoms however, plus won't have a vasectomy, so will not even split the load, then they are selfish.

OFFS lily, I did not say that men should take no risks and I also said in other posts that I think once he goes to see the vas clinic he will most likely change his mind BUT what I did say is that as his partner I would not want to force him in to it in case he is the 1% who does have ongoing issues.

There are a lot of non invasive options for women to try before sterilisation...… and yes I am one who has tried everything (except the mirena) and had terrible issues so I completely understand not every woman is compatible with contraception

However men have two options condoms or sterilisation...…… excuse me for thinking that a man should be able to choose condoms over a permanent sterilisation. I sure as hell wouldn't choose an operation/permanent sterilisation if there was a non invasive option that I was happy to accept...………. we didn't use condoms properly and I had to track my cycle as well when we used condoms so had had enough of that but yes if my hubby had decided after seeing the vas clinic surgeon and discussing the risks that he was not wanting the operation then we would have either had to use condoms more effectively or practice abstinence through most of my cycle.

I stand firmly behind my opinion and while you may mock it all you like it is a very reasonable opinion to have.

I'm not advocating forcing anyone either.

I'm simply differentiating between the men who recognise their role to play, and willingly step up - decent men (and there are plenty of them)...

And those who refuse, renege, opt out, leaving their partner to continue to shoulder the full burden - sub-standard men.

"However men have two options condoms or sterilisation."

Theyd campaign for more options quick enough if not paying Child Maintenance was a criminal offence.