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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think who gets married on a Monday

183 replies

MardyArabella · 19/10/2018 10:43

An immediate family member is getting married on a Monday next year. I know it’s an invitation not a summons I can’t not go without causing a serious rift in my family but Jfc could they have picked a worse day? Wedding is also 3 hours from where I live so will need two days off work.

OP posts:
AuchAyeTheNo · 19/10/2018 12:25

Not everybody works the standard monday to friday anymore, this plus the cost being alot cheaper means weekday weddings are on the rise.

abacucat · 19/10/2018 12:26

If we had a wedding on a Saturday, about half of our guests would have to book annual leave anyway. I am always amazed at those who don't realise the high proportion of people who do not work Monday to Friday office hours.

adaline · 19/10/2018 12:26

And yes like PP said lots of people work weekends these days! It's much easier for me to get a weekday off than a weekend.

And lots of weekend dates are booked up years in advance (plus they cost a bloody fortune compared to the same weekday event)

LaDaronne · 19/10/2018 12:28

a day which would be inconvenient for most of the expected guests

Again, for the hard of reading, not everyone works nine to five mondays to fridays. People who work in jobs requiring odd hours often have friendship circles who also work odd hours. In our case, if we'd had a Saturday wedding, none of DH's friends could have come because they'd all have been working. At other people's weddings.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 19/10/2018 12:29

It was half the price but then again we only invited our (retired) parents so there was no point paying the weekend premium.

100% makes sense. Same for people who have a high proportion of guests who do shift work and no day will suit the majority.

But for a 100+ person bash for a couple who’s social circle are people who work core business hours, it just comes off as inconsiderate.

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 19/10/2018 12:30

People who work in theatre, people who work shifts, anyone who works in hospitality, people who run their own businesses or work freelance, people who work term time only, retired people..loads of people would!
I probably would, as long as it was school holidays as that list encompasses most people I know.

MrsStrowman · 19/10/2018 12:31

😂 you'd bit be a fan of mine then OP. We had our registry office legal bit on a Friday, then I got married on a Wednesday abroad, everyone we wanted there was able to make it without issue. We then had a big party when we got home on a Saturday to celebrate with everyone else (and yes we fully catered all events). Some people even attended all three parts! This isn't about a Monday wedding, this is about you not approving of this wedding for some reason. Take off your judgy pants and either go, or don't.

CatsEye99 · 19/10/2018 12:36

Friday I think it depends what you want. For me, I don't want a lot of guests anyway. Its about me and my partner, and I don't need the validation of hundreds of people talking about it. I prefer small and intimate.

I don't agree I'm throwing the party for my guests. Its for me and my partner, a declaration of our marriage. Others are welcome to join us in that but it's primarily about how we want to mark the occasion.

I'm not a party person generally though and don't like large events so if you are someone who really enjoys hosting then I can see why you would take a different outlook!

Parpulous · 19/10/2018 12:37

Controversial opinion, but if you can’t afford a venue for a Friday, Saturday or Sunday, then you can’t afford that venue. When DH were in that boat, we realised we needed to cut our cloth accordingly and had a DIY wedding reception on a bank holiday Saturday. It was a lot of work, but our small budget shouldn’t have turned into our guests’ problem.

We booked the cheapest venue that would suit our needs for the wedding (had to accommodate 100 guests, and a ceilidh). Even so, we couldn't afford a weekend rate and therefore had to choose a weekday. We were both students (Masters and PhD) with almost no savings. Everything else we did for the wedding was completely geared towards our guests (we had 3 menus to cater for vegetarians, vegans, and meat-lovers, we supplied free booze to everyone, we helped everyone find and book accommodation, we paid for everyone's taxis).

I think it's unfair to just assume that a weekday wedding is because the couple are self-centred or are trying to live above their means. For us, it was necessary to get married when we did as we were moving to a country where it is illegal to cohabit without a marriage certificate.

Despite the ball-ache of having a weekday wedding, everyone who was near and dear to us managed to make it (with the exception of one of my SILs who had contracted a vomiting bug on the day of her flight - she still managed to Skype us during the wedding to say congratulations!). Everyone said they enjoyed our wedding, and that they appreciated the thought we put into it.

Wish that there was a little more empathy for couples who don't have copious amounts of funds, or much choice in dates rather than assuming that they're being selfish and self-centred.

Tunnocks34 · 19/10/2018 12:40

I’m getting married on a Monday! We only have 80 guests and the minimum guests on a Friday/Saturday is 100.

If people can’t/won’t come that’s ok. I don’t expect people to lose pay for my wedding and if they’d rather it’ll not I won’t be upset.

ElspethFlashman · 19/10/2018 12:41

:raises hand:

We were skint and had 75 people and the discounts we got were too good to resist.

We also got first choice of church/hotel/DJ etc because it was a Monday and they had no booking for that day.

Honestly I understood if people couldn't come and didn't mind. In the end we had no cancellations, which was great.

Yeahmum · 19/10/2018 12:42

Can you not be ill on the day/car broke down?

Rhiannon13 · 19/10/2018 12:44

maybe if I was happier about this marriage I wouldn’t feel so petty and begrudging.

Think you've hit the nail on the head there OP. It's entirely up to the couple when they have their wedding and they've given plenty of notice, the day is about them, and if you don't care enough about them to deal with that without moaning, don't go! Yes it's inconvenient but it's hardly a big deal in the great scheme of things. Maybe they didn't want to waste money, maybe they were too excited to wait longer for an available Saturday, maybe they have close friends who work weekends and they really wanted them to be able to make it.

notacooldad · 19/10/2018 12:47

Just nod and smile and tell them at the last minute that you have norovirus or something. A bit unfair if they are paying for your meal but send them a nice card with some cash in and it'll be fine
Nasty piece of advice!

I love that there's loads of people who condone lying. Especially to family members and it's not even a little white lie to save feelings
YANBU, it’s very selfish. Gives them a cheaper wedding by passing the costs on to you. I would really resent using my precious little annual leave to save someone else money. And to those saying “don’t go”, obviously that’s not an option when it’s family and you would cause a rift by not going.
OP if I were you I would invent a big work event the next day that you can’t get out of (big conference/ client presentation/ anything like that?) which means you have to come back on the mon eve.

Do people forget that the OP has to remember the lie they told several weeks or months down the line. " how did your conference go?" What conference? ". I hope you're feeling better'. " why? I haven't been ill for years!"

Plus only a token gift. They clearly don’t care about their guests to have made this plan! I love the narrative people make up. They nothing about any of the individuals in this scenario but clearly they don't care ! There maybe reasons other than money that people book on a weekday, in fact we know there are as people have given example including the venue not being available at weekends.
I love these threads about guest entitlement.

ElspethFlashman · 19/10/2018 12:48

One additional point to note is that we got some feedback that it was nice to have time on the Sunday to do last minute dress shopping /last minute tanning /last minute getting shit together for a night away.

About 3 different people said it to me at different times so there must have been something in it.

StripyHorse · 19/10/2018 12:51

Someone we know is getting married on a Monday. 2 of his siblings (plus his SIL) are teachers so struggle to get the time off (and, I assume, loose a day's pay), his other sibling lives abroad so his children will need a couple of days off school. It is selfish if you are expecting people to attend.

Original poster
MardyArabella · 19/10/2018 12:53

I’m not going to be inventing some lie to get out of it or saying my car broke down. I’m not going to give them a shitty gift either. At the end of the day this is a very close family member and I do have to be there. It would be noticed by everyone attending if I wasn’t.

OP posts:
Waspnest · 19/10/2018 12:53

OP I think you have a family problem not a wedding problem. What sort of person would create a family rift over non-attendance at a wedding?

Ilovecookiedough · 19/10/2018 12:56

I got married on a Tuesday in the summer holidays. I have quite a few teacher friends so they were all OK, everyone else just took the day off. We honestly didn't have anyone rsvp no (well 1 family was on holiday) and invites were only sent 4 months before. If people don't want to go they don't go, it's pretty simple really. If you are bothered about going you take the day off.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 19/10/2018 12:57

What sort of person would create a family rift over non-attendance at a wedding?

Not attending someone’s wedding because you didn’t want to lose the annual leave would be a fairly scorched-earth approach to this situation in most families.

I’m with OP that it’s really bloody annoying, but to advise her to just not go when it’s clearly a sibling or parent getting married is really unrealistic.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2018 12:58

It’s annoying you have to take leave but just one of those things. Could you take 1.5 days rather than 2 at least, and arrive back at work for the afternoon?

Original poster
MardyArabella · 19/10/2018 13:01

sparkle that’s a good idea actually. I might do that

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 19/10/2018 13:08

There is nothing wrong with being married on a Monday. There is something wrong with expecting a command performance from a guest at any wedding, particularly one that is so clearly inconvenient.

It takes a particularly selfish kind of person to create a difficult situation and then be angry if it seems to cause difficulty to anyone. I would tell your sister/mother/brother that you love them, that you'll be there for the wedding, but that as they chose a workday, you won't be able to stay dancing until midnight.

(This is far easier said than done, I know. I'm just sick to my back teeth of selfish relatives right now.)

MulticolourMophead · 19/10/2018 13:10

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain

OP didn't say she'd lose leave, but would have to buy extra leave to attend.

And for all those wittering on about "just take a day off", not all of us can. When I had both DCs in primary, ex and I had to juggle all our leave to cover holidays and inset days. We had no spare leave, not everyone can just take a day.

NonaGrey · 19/10/2018 13:11

There is something wrong with expecting a command performance from a guest at any wedding, particularly one that is so clearly inconvenient.

I think Nancy has it right, it’s not the day or date of the wedding that’s really the problem, it’s the fact that you don’t feel you have any choice whether to attend.