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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'm living in a parallel universe sometimes

196 replies

justfloatingpast · 19/10/2018 09:09

There are so many scenarios I see on MN that I don't recognise from my real life:

Not wanting anyone to touch your baby
Not wanting grandparents to take the baby out for a walk on their own
Confronting people who've parked in P&T spaces and demanding to know their disability
Leaving elderly parents alone at Christmas for no good reason

I just don't see this kind of behaviour in my own everyday life so AIBU to think there's a parallel universe out there that I fortunately don't belong to?

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 22/10/2018 12:39

One that I THOUGHT was a parallel universe thing but that MN made me notice really does happen in real life is the issue of financial abuse. I was constantly shocked by how often women would come on here to discuss how they'd used all their savings on maternity leave while their DPs were out partying every night and now refused to give them money to buy new clothes. I honestly thought it was just an odd thing that was going to be more prevalent on a site like this where people go to get advice.....

.... and then I realised how many women I know are in a similar situation and was shocked. But I'm not sure I WOULD have noticed it if I hadn't been reading about it on here. I started to learn to spot the warning signs. It makes me really sad. I know of at least two women I consider real friends in this situation. One is perfectly happy because her DH is very "generous" but I find the fact that he's so in control worrying. The other one is miserable and wants to separate but doesn't yet know how to manage it in light of finances. It's horrible.

BlingLoving · 22/10/2018 12:40

Oh and a third one who finds it frustrating but thinks its normal so is constantly looking for little jobs to do around school hours so that she can afford to get her hair cut. After she has spent literally years of savings funding herself and their life.

BlingLoving · 22/10/2018 12:42

bluelady those two NCT friends and I are still close years later! Clearly we have the same approach to life!

SharpLily · 22/10/2018 13:56

Wow, I didn't realise what a fuss that post was going to cause - and it certainly was not crafted for shock value! It is simply my experience, a prime example being my father. Should my mother pass away before my father he will be left completely alone at Christmas and at every other time because he is vile. That's all there is to it. If he'd been a decent human being I and the rest of my family wouldn't feel that way.

Original poster

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 14:30

So because your father isn't a nice person SharpLily you have decided to make a hurtful and insulting comment about all people who are left alone and lonely on Christmas day?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2018 14:32

“Wow, I didn't realise what a fuss that post was going to cause”

Can I suggest you read it? You might see why then.

SharpLily · 22/10/2018 14:36

I said he's a prime example but he's not the only example. I genuinely usually find that nice people aren't left alone, nasty ones are. I keep reading that there is this epidemic of loneliness in the UK but my own experience follows what I've said above. I'm sorry if that does offend anyone but it just does and am honestly surprised that other people don't seem to be finding the same thing.

LostInShoebiz · 22/10/2018 15:02

God, what an utter prick.

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2018 15:31

Indeed.

Original poster

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 15:36

"I genuinely usually find that nice people aren't left alone, nasty ones are."

Why do you keep repeating that offensive statement. It is utter rubbish. Yes, some people are left alone at Christmas because they have alienated their family. But many others are left alone because they don't have a family, have children who live abroad, have selfish children, are too embarrassed to admit to friends that their children won't have them etc etc etc etc.

OP posts:

LoisWilkerson1 · 22/10/2018 15:37

One of my fondest memories of my ds is of him as toddler chatting away to two women while I was stuck in the post office queue. He had them in stitches and it's quite sad we don't like strangers taking to our children now. It never crossed my mind to be annoyed if someone looked in my pram or spoke to my babies.

SharpLily · 22/10/2018 15:41

Why do you keep repeating that offensive statement. It is utter rubbish.

Because it is seriously my experience! Why else would I say it? Am I really the only person to have found this? Maybe it's different in the UK (not where I am), but of the people I know who are lonely or left alone, it is self inflicted. I'm really not trying to start an argument, I clearly just have had different experiences with people to you.

Original poster

justfloatingpast · 22/10/2018 15:47

But because that's been your experience doesn't mean that it is the only scenario.
I have known of lovely people who have nowhere to go on Christmas Day. I would hate them to read statements like yours and assume that they're nasty , horrible people.
Seriously are you so lacking in any kind of imagination that you cannot envisage any scenario where a nice person can be lonely and alone?
What about an emigrant who knows no one? A shy and childless man whose wife has just died? A woman whose daughter in law is insisting that her 'family unit' go abroad for Christmas and is too embarrassed to admit to her friends that she needs somewhere to go on Christmas day?

Try to be a bit more charitable.

OP posts:

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 22/10/2018 15:52

ineed if the baby's ebf, he/she would starve! I couldn't express, so didn't even buy bottles, a pump or a steriliser for number 4.

SharpLily · 22/10/2018 15:55

Yes, those kind of scenarios exist - which is why I said 'usually' in my original post rather than 'always' - but my experience is that they're the minority. I am sorry for those who are in that position genuinely through no fault of their own, but as I have explained, I don't see many of them around. That's all.

My mother in law will be one of those lonely at Christmas and people around her will think how awful and selfish her four children and stepdaughter are for leaving her alone. Those who take pity on her and offer her somewhere to go will no doubt find out why she's in that situation the hard way, as I did when I though they were all selfish and tried to make her welcome.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/10/2018 15:58

The only thing that really annoys me is, for example, an OP posts that her MiL wants one day a week alone with the newborn. On page 2 she posts that MiL won't come to theirs as she works full time and thinks she shouldn't have to travel. Then pages 2, 3, 4 and 5 are full of "helpful" suggestions like suggesting MiL comes over for a couple of hours so OP can nap. If you have time to comment, you can at least skim for the OP's posts.

tillytrotter1 · 22/10/2018 16:03

As an oldie, 70, I find it odd how many people on MN seem unable to make even the simplest decision without 'posting for traffic'. A lot of people complain of 'anxiety', a term bandied around when in fact they mean they're a bit worried, not the same at all. People seem to over-think their lives, I've have 'children', grandchildren, I had a responsible job, but I don't think I have ever had discussions about them, if a decision needed to be made I, or we, made it. As my Frozen-obsessed granddaughter would tell you Let It Go!

blueskiesandforests · 22/10/2018 16:06

Tilly you never discussed your children, ever? Not with your husband? Not with your close friend or close family member? Not even out of the ordinary difficult phases or decisions?

What makes you think making all decisions without discussing them is better?

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2018 16:11

SharpLily-have you ever heard the expression "when in a hole, stop digging"?

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 16:17

Clearly not.

SharpLily · 22/10/2018 16:22

Yes, @BertrandRussell, I take your point . I'm just a bit on the defensive because I'm not actually a twat, I am usually pretty kind to posters on MN as I am in real life but I am genuinely baffled at the reaction to what I said.

I'm quite prepared to admit that I am by now probably a bit cynical about people's behaviour. Having given people the benefit of the doubt a number of times when I've felt others were treating them badly or people around them were being selfish I've come unstuck when I've tried to help them, only to discover that, as I've said, there's a reason they are where they are. I think I probably assume now that this is the case most of the time and don't want to get my fingers burned anymore. I'm sure it does sound very harsh and cynical but it's the result of necessary self-preservation techniques.

We live in the middle of nowhere so we don't know our neighbours too well, but one is an older man and if I were to find out he would be left alone at Christmas I suspect my assumption now would be that he's probably driven everyone away. On the other hand, back when I was a student I used to feel so sorry for our local tramp. I always gave him money when I could, even if it was my last fiver and I knew it would leave me short. I once felt so bad I invited him for dinner. Fucking arsehole robbed us.

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