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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FFS at school teacher....

250 replies

Stanmorevisit · 18/10/2018 23:44

Background: DD (secondary) in hospital for 2 weeks planned admission solid therapy to help fix an ongoing problem that school know about and she has soldiered through
Despite a lot of pain in school . She's doing hospital school whilst she's here. The hospital is nearly 3 hours from home, I have another child with SN so logistically its a nightmare and I've been splitting myself in two. family have visited when i cant. Except tonight when I actually made it in overnight, she has/Will be staying in on her own and done most of the therapy solo. She's also also going to be going back to school with a few day to day adaptations that will make her life easier but will be different. It will be hard as a cool preteen. She's in a metric ton of pain from strengthening muscles that haven't worked properly in along time and it won't be any easier next week. She's also essentially missing half term.

I get to (hospital ward) bed tonight to find one of her teachers has emailed me to say as DD has missed an test due to her injury, would I mind if she repeated the assessment on the first day back!!! They appreciate my support for her education!!!

End result is I'm up trying to write a polite reply when all I want to say is on what fucking planet are you on. I don't need to be dealing with this now and there us no way a full scale test should be happening DD's first day back at school after a major hospital admission.

AIBU to think you must be an absolute fuckwit to think that is ok.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 21/10/2018 15:42

pouraglasshalffull
Nonsense.

The OP has done the reasonable thing which is reply to the teacher and explain the situation.

She doesn't need to do anything else. All this "go to the head" advice is exactly the sort of MN frothing and pointless outrage that does nothing to help parebts get the advice and support they and their children need. (See also call ofsted, threaten ofsted, demand a meeting with the head etc).

OneOfTheGrundys · 21/10/2018 16:05

Thank you OP. She sounds so conscientious. Top set’s not just about results... attitude counts too. Wishing her comfort and fast healing.

Thisreallyisafarce · 21/10/2018 17:46

Parents can expect a same day response from me all they like. Unless I have time to actually respond, and to do so moves the issue forward, they won't get one. If I feel I need to involve the HOD or HOY because, in a reasonable frame of time, I don't have time (which does sometimes happen) I will. Otherwise, anything non-urgent has to wait until I am not a) teaching b) planning c) marking or dealing with something urgent.

Volant · 22/10/2018 01:11

Thisreallyisafarce, look at this in terms of working days. The teacher sent an email on Day 1 about a test she wanted OP's daughter to take on Day 3. She presumably knew OP's daughter is in hospital and that OP might not see the email immediately, so on any interpretation she was leaving it a bit late. Nevertheless, OP did reply late that evening.

On day 2, with only one working day to go till OP's daughter's return, she receives a reply indicating that there will be major problems with taking the test. If she's anything less than rhinoceros-skinned, she also becomes aware that her original email was really rather crass and may have unnecessarily added to OP's and her daughter's stress. She is also aware that, if she doesn't reply to confirm the assessment won't be happening, OP and possibly her daughter may continue to worry about it at a time when they should really be concentrating on OP's daughter's health.

Don't you think that, if you were in that teacher's shoes, you might have found 30 seconds to send back a quick email telling OP not to worry about it, the assessment wouldn't happen? After all, you found the time to send the original non-essential email.

larrygrylls · 22/10/2018 06:45

I think communicating effectively with parents is important. However, you have to pick your battles. The head will not get involved over a test; They are running a while school!

I still don’t know why she does not just sit the test? What is happening here is that you, as an adult, have validated your daughter’s adolescent value system, rather than just teaching her that sometimes, when circumstances are hard, you just do your best and the outcome matters less. This is encouraging the traits of perfectionism and lack of risk taking.

If there were a consequence to your daughter doing badly in the test (such as resetting), that would be the time to take up the issue with the school and explain the mitigating circumstances. I find it very hard to believe that a school would not ignore one bad test after medical treatment. Schools want their top pupils to perform well, both for themselves and school statistics.

If she is stressed about a test, the stress is the issue, not the test.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 06:58

Volant

You lost me at "found a quick thirty seconds". That isn't always possible. Where it is possible, and important, I will of course reply to emails that require a response. But emailing parents isn't my main job. It happens around my main job.

Personally, I don't think teachers should be required to email parents directly at all. I think it should go through admin.

Volant · 22/10/2018 07:29

Thisreallyisafarce, the problem with that is that this teacher did find time to email in the first place - and that was a totally unnecessary email, given that if she'd stopped to think for a moment she would have realised that the concept of OP's daughter doing the assessment on her first day back was ridiculous. As a teacher, once you've decided to send the first email which you must know will cause problems, it's really quite ridiculous to take the attitude that your time is so precious that you can't possibly follow up on the response - particularly where it relates to a pupil in OP's daughter's circumstances.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 07:41

Volant

You have no idea why (exactly) she sent the first email, what she thought at the time, etc.

My attitude is not that my time is "precious" - it is simply allocated for me.

Volant · 22/10/2018 07:47

It doesn't matter why she sent the first email. The point is that she did. Once you start communicating, you can't get all precious about continuing the process - particularly when dealing with a child in these circumstances.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 07:53

Volant

You're the one talking about how she shouldn't have sent it to begin with, Volant, not me.

And again, it isn't about being precious. It is about not having the time.

noblegiraffe · 22/10/2018 08:01

Crass to send first email? It has been explained endlessly already that some kids would have been perfectly capable of sitting the test, and the teacher was simply asking if the OP’s DD would be up to it.

The assumption that it was a ludicrous email to send seems to be coming from a place of ignorance.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 09:35

And also, the assumption that it was the teacher's decision to ask her to sit the test, equally comes from a place of ignorance. Teachers have managers, like everyone else. It may not have been her decision.

Volant · 22/10/2018 10:00

You're the one talking about how she shouldn't have sent it to begin with, Volant, not me.

What's the relevance of that? As I've already said, the point is that she did send it.

And again, it isn't about being precious. It is about not having the time.

No, that isn't an option. It's like initiating a conversation, getting the answer, and walking away even though a further response is clearly necessary. At best it's rude, and when you're dealing with a child in these circumstances it's extremely inconsiderate.

Volant · 22/10/2018 10:06

noblegiraffe, I didn't say it was crass to send the email. The email itself was crass. It was pretty stupid to suggest sitting the assessment on the first day back, but the real problem lies in the passive aggressive "appreciation of support" for OP's daughter's education.

It doesn't work to say some kids would be able to sit the test. OP has explained her daughter's circumstances at some length, and this child obviously wouldn't be able to. It doesn't take Einstein to work out that a procedure or condition needing a two week hospital stay won't have been a walk in the park.

noblegiraffe · 22/10/2018 11:12

I had a kid who had a leg operation last year who was supposed to be laid up at home for a month resting. She actually came back to school after a fortnight because she was so bored.

So why not ask.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 12:09

Volant

The point was that I wasn't interested in why she sent it. I was just responding to you. I don't think why she sent it or that she did, is relevant to whether she has time to reply within a particular time frame.

It is not rude or inconsiderate not to reply to someone in the time they consider reasonable, when you have valid reasons for not doing so, e.g. you are working.

You are being completely unreasonable.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 12:10

It doesn't take Einstein to work out that a procedure or condition needing a two week hospital stay won't have been a walk in the park.

That is simply rubbish. It depends on the circumstances and the child. End of story.

Volant · 22/10/2018 12:12

noble, the difference between a child who is supposed to be laid up at home for a month and a child who is an in-patient in hospital is surely obvious.

Volant · 22/10/2018 12:16

Thisisreally, you're still missing the point. It's not a matter of whether OP thinks it is reasonable, it is what is objectively reasonable. If you contact a parent about something that is happening in two working days' time, you need to to respond before the event in question. If you have initiated the discussion, you need to make time. It really is incredibly difficult to believe that this teacher couldn't have found thirty seconds to send off a quick email.

And no, it is not rubbish to point out that a procedure requiring a two week hospital stay is not going to be a doddle. If you are even half awake, you know that no hospital keeps a child for two weeks for something trivial. As for depending on the circumstances of the child - this school knows those circumstances.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 12:23

Volant

There is no "objectively". It's your opinion versus mine. Since I am the one (hypothetically) you are expecting to do it, I believe you would simply find yourself disappointed.

Volant · 22/10/2018 12:24

Well yes. And I would then be fully justified in having the opinion of the teacher that OP has.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 12:34

Volant

Which I really wouldn't give two shakes of a lamb's tail about, frankly.

Volant · 22/10/2018 12:40

And, if you were a teacher, that attitude is what would make you a teacher that no sensible parent would want in charge of their child.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 12:47

Volant

Which is, again, what makes you unreasonable. But there's no arguing with that, so let's leave it there.

Volant · 22/10/2018 14:57

It doesn't, you know. It is utterly reasonable for a parent who has been contacted at short notice by a teacher and has responded quickly to expect that teacher to reply in her turn before the event referred to by the teacher. There is, quite simply, no rational way in which that could be depicted as unreasonable.

I deal with a number of teachers for varying reasons, and I don't know any who wouldn't have thought twice before sending this message, or one who wouldn't have thought it important to prioritise a reply to the parent of the ill child concerned. Unfortunately, however, it appears there are some teachers who think differently, which is not surprising as, like any profession, the teaching profession has its inadequates. It's just a pity that there is a bit of a prevailing attitude on some limited sectors of MN that all teachers are living saints whatever they do: it really doesn't do the profession any favours.