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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think FFS at school teacher....

250 replies

Stanmorevisit · 18/10/2018 23:44

Background: DD (secondary) in hospital for 2 weeks planned admission solid therapy to help fix an ongoing problem that school know about and she has soldiered through
Despite a lot of pain in school . She's doing hospital school whilst she's here. The hospital is nearly 3 hours from home, I have another child with SN so logistically its a nightmare and I've been splitting myself in two. family have visited when i cant. Except tonight when I actually made it in overnight, she has/Will be staying in on her own and done most of the therapy solo. She's also also going to be going back to school with a few day to day adaptations that will make her life easier but will be different. It will be hard as a cool preteen. She's in a metric ton of pain from strengthening muscles that haven't worked properly in along time and it won't be any easier next week. She's also essentially missing half term.

I get to (hospital ward) bed tonight to find one of her teachers has emailed me to say as DD has missed an test due to her injury, would I mind if she repeated the assessment on the first day back!!! They appreciate my support for her education!!!

End result is I'm up trying to write a polite reply when all I want to say is on what fucking planet are you on. I don't need to be dealing with this now and there us no way a full scale test should be happening DD's first day back at school after a major hospital admission.

AIBU to think you must be an absolute fuckwit to think that is ok.

OP posts:

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 15:03

Volant

We don't agree. What you seem to think, however, is that anyone who disagrees with you is self-evidently stupid. It's an arrogant trait to have.

CraftyGin · 22/10/2018 15:04

And, if you were a teacher, that attitude is what would make you a teacher that no sensible parent would want in charge of their child.

What if this teacher is poetry in motion in the classroom? Could this possibly make up for sub-optimal emailing?

Are you perfect all the time?

Do you believe in forgiveness?

Witchofwisteria · 22/10/2018 15:07

YABU, teachers need to access the kids to see what level they are at. The assessment is likely to be done in a quiet room alone, so if you ask me that's perfect for a first day back to ease in.

Volant · 22/10/2018 16:58

No, Thisreallyis, I don't think anyone who disagrees with me is automatically stupid. What I do think is that it would be helpful if you could actually put forward some reason for saying that it isn't reasonable in this case for the teacher to have found the very short amount of time needed for a reply. She initiated the interaction, it relates to something happening within two working days; just saying you don't think she needs to reply before the event in question is due to happen doesn't really take us any further forward, does it?

CraftyGin · 22/10/2018 17:02

She’s human, and fallible. She falls short.

Just.like.you.

Volant · 22/10/2018 17:12

CraftyGin. the issue isn't sub-optimal emailing; it's about basic consideration and courtesy towards a pupil known to have a problem causing long-term pain for which she is receiving two weeks' in-patient treatment, who will be returning to school still in a substantial amount of pain and with some adaptations that won't be easy to get used to.

My response related to Thisreallyis's supposition that the teacher in question hasn't replied because she's just decided arbitrarily that she can't be bothered to find 30 seconds to do so, even though she knows that that leaves her pupil potentially stressing out without knowing whether the assessment will or will not happen - it doesn't take much to work out that a child with a problem causing muscle pain really doesn't need extra stress. Furthermore, in Thisreallyis's hypothetical case, the teacher in question simply doesn't care how that attitude might come over to the sick child's parent, which, to say the least, suggests a degree of arrogance.

Somehow I doubt that a teacher with that attitude would be poetry in motion in the classroom, and self-evidently developing that attitude takes more than the occasional one-off mistake.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 17:16

she's just decided arbitrarily that she can't be bothered to find 30 seconds to do so,

Except that I didn't say that. You honestly do not have the faintest idea what you are talking about with regards to margins of free time in schools, and what teachers have to do with that time. Get a grip.

Thisreallyisafarce · 22/10/2018 17:20

Volant

I am not trying to 'take us further forward'. I am stating the simple truth: there is no such thing as magic time. If my time is already taken up with more urgent issues, the next most urgent will get pushed down the list. It is the sort of logic with which infants are usually familiar.

CraftyGin · 22/10/2018 17:21

CraftyGin. the issue isn't sub-optimal emailing; it's about basic consideration and courtesy towards a pupil known to have a problem causing long-term pain for which she is receiving two weeks' in-patient treatment, who will be returning to school still in a substantial amount of pain and with some adaptations that won't be easy to get used to.

Do you think she emailed the parents of all the students about this test?

No. The fact that she emailed the OP was that she was treating the OP’s DD as an individual.

Perhaps she was clumsily in her communications, but this is not a reason to crucify her.

There but the Grace of God go you and me.

MaisyPops · 22/10/2018 18:17

No. The fact that she emailed the OP was that she was treating the OP’s DD as an individual.

Perhaps she was clumsily in her communications, but this is not a reason to crucify her.
This.
But the when you catch up with a MN school thread and it's hit the point of 'omg some teachers are untoucable saints, nobody can criticise teachers, teachers think they are Gods etc' then sadly most reasonable discussion will go poof.

LJdorothy · 22/10/2018 19:58

This is why I avoid emailing parents. There is nothing passive aggressive about that teacher's email. She asked if you'd mind. She said she appreciated your support. You said no, your child isn't fit. The conversation's over at that point surely. Why does she even need to reply?

user789653241 · 22/10/2018 20:31

I really hope teachers reading this thread don't takes it to the heart the negative things from this thread. Parents can get very emotional when dealing with ill children. Sometimes one simple harmless email can be a trigger to get overwhelmed. We really worry how our child get on going back, missing school, etc, etc.

What some of the posters saying on this thread doesn't really help. Every child is different, and every teacher is different.
I think what the teacher did is reasonable, but I can also understand the reaction of OP. I don't think no one did anything wrong here.

Volant · 23/10/2018 01:06

What you said, ThisisReally was:

And again, it isn't about being precious. It is about not having the time.

You don't actually have any evidence that this teacher didn't have time. You simply decided that that must be the case. The problem is that it would take so little time to reassure a sick pupil and her parent, and you have decided that everything else would have priority.

Your assumption that I don't know about teachers' time is equally based on no evidence. And, frankly, your aggression really doesn't help your case.

Volant · 23/10/2018 01:11

Who's crucifying anyone, CraftyGin? But it's no great credit to any teacher to say that she is treating a pupil as an individual when she is pressurising a sick pupil unnecessarily.

LJdorothy, as others have explained more than once above, that "appreciation of support" is clearly passive aggressive: it is effectively saying "If you don't go along with this you are a parent who doesn't support your child's education".

MaisyPops · 23/10/2018 06:59

irvineoneohone
Never worth taking anything personally in this job. Sometimes people feel frustrated and want to vent. Other times you're jist a handy scapegoat for whatever else is going on and if you're in a good school then you'll have decent leaders.

The main time I will be a bit stubborn is when people start with blanket statements or fundamentally unreasonable statements on school threads (e.g. staff should be replying on the same day because it's only a 2 minute job / a teacher is a twat for .... they shouldn't even be in teaching if they think x is a good idea/ go to ofsted/ go to the head and demand a meeting / just refuse...) mainly because that sort of thing rarely leads to people getting practical advice on how to move forward.

I think there can be a tendency on MN for some poor advice to be given on how to work with schools (usually the frothy replies about teachers thinking they're gods and ridiculous claims that nobody can challenge teachers etc). In most circumstances, stepping back, being polite and reasonable in time frames and speaking to the most appropriate person as far down the hierarchy as you can tends to get results.

Thisreallyisafarce · 23/10/2018 07:14

Volant

I didn't decide she didn't have the time. I took (and take) issue with your assumption that she could "find" the time, because it is perfectly possible that she couldn't. You have decided to characterise any teacher who doesn't get back to within the frame of time you think is reasonable as being precious or lazy. That simply isn't the case.

What aggression?

RolyRocks · 23/10/2018 09:39

as others have explained more than once above, that "appreciation of support" is clearly passive aggressive:

No it isn’t. It is usually because a teacher will put that at the end of pretty much every email as a closing signoff insisted upon by SLT - definitely no sinister motivation behind it. In addition, I genuinely think you would be shocked that in a lot of schools, emails have to be proof-read first by someone else (usually a line manager) before any email is sent out and therefore, your ‘quick 30 second’ assumption goes right out the window.

CraftyGin · 23/10/2018 10:41

Who's crucifying anyone, CraftyGin?

Whoever said this:

“And, if you were a teacher, that attitude is what would make you a teacher that no sensible parent would want in charge of their child.”

QuackPorridgeBacon · 23/10/2018 10:58

I don’t understand all the drama. She asked you a question, she didn’t assume anything and probably has very little info to go on, unless like my daughter it’s all part and parcel of a much bigger condition and they would need to know that for obvious reasons. Doesn’t mean they will know about this particular visit. You replied that it’s not a good idea. What exactly is the issue? You can rant without slagging off a teacher for basically asking you a question.

LJdorothy · 23/10/2018 21:43

Thanks Volant, but I am quite capable of reading what others have explained more than once. I just don't happen to agree with them and I'd like them to explain what possible reason the teacher would have to be passive aggressive with the OP. The teacher was asking if the parent minded if their child did the assessment, so do you seriously think that if the OP was to explain that their child wasn't fully fit to do the test, then the teacher would decide that in that case the parent wasn't supportive of their child's education? Do people on MN seriously believe teachers are that horrible??

Thisreallyisafarce · 24/10/2018 10:27

Do people on MN seriously believe teachers are that horrible??

They do.

I think far more people have chips on their shoulders about teachers' authority over their children than would admit it even on a forum, but it comes through quite strongly sometimes.

Miscible · 26/10/2018 11:22

It seems odd to suggest that the teacher couldn't find the time to reply. On the face of it, she needed a reply to the original message, so that she knows whether to set up the assessment or not. Therefore she needed to read it, and probably needed to do so before disappearing for half term. Once she's opened up her emails and is checking them, she's not doing anything else (unless she's reading them under the table in a meeting, in which case the same principle applies). It's not like she has to take time out from another activity. Would it really hurt to fire off a quick "OK" reply?

MaisyPops · 26/10/2018 18:20

Miscible
Without wanting to open another debate about teacher emails it depends how they're doing them
E.g. mine are open on my computer all day and I can see them as I swap between Windows, do the register etc. Sometimes I'll have a look if it pings because we often get messages saying 'so and so's mum is collecting them for an orthodontist appointment can you release them early' or a reminder than half a dozen students are meant to be in PE for sports leaders but not all are there etc. I'll see things in my inbox and then not deal with them until later.
I wouldn't be replying to emails when I'm teaching unless the class were doing an extended piece in exam conditions (or it was a genuinely urgent situation but then with urgent things someone usually comes to the class in person).

In the OP's situation, a couple of hour turn around wasn't required or reasonable to expect.

corythatwas · 26/10/2018 18:48

As longtime posters may remember, I have had very bad experiences of teachers failing in their duty to a child in pain.

BUT I do NOT think the failure in the present instance to answer this email implies anything horrible at all. The teacher quite likely thought the situation was resolved with your email. And most likely has not got 2 minutes to spare in her working day from the situations that are not resolved. I really wouldn't make anything over this.

Noodledoodledoo · 26/10/2018 19:58

Another reason for lack of response is she might be part time. I have had complaints made about me for not replying within a parent stated 24 hours time, I replied on my non working day to her whilst sat in A&E waiting to be admitted for appendicitis. She then complained I was absent for a week at a crucial time in her son's controlled assessment - sadly my appendix didn't read the school calendar!

Another teacher saying I have no clue why students are off in the majority of the time, I may well have been told your DD was returning after half term, and with no further information may have taken that as she will be good to go and back to normal. I may well know none of the history of her and a lot of the time in schools a lot of knowledge is assumed - I have just switched schools and this is even more apparent!

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