To think FFS at school teacher....

[Stanmorevisit]

Background: DD (secondary) in hospital for 2 weeks planned admission solid therapy to help fix an ongoing problem that school know about and she has soldiered through
Despite a lot of pain in school . She's doing hospital school whilst she's here. The hospital is nearly 3 hours from home, I have another child with SN so logistically its a nightmare and I've been splitting myself in two. family have visited when i cant. Except tonight when I actually made it in overnight, she has/Will be staying in on her own and done most of the therapy solo. She's also also going to be going back to school with a few day to day adaptations that will make her life easier but will be different. It will be hard as a cool preteen. She's in a metric ton of pain from strengthening muscles that haven't worked properly in along time and it won't be any easier next week. She's also essentially missing half term.

I get to (hospital ward) bed tonight to find one of her teachers has emailed me to say as DD has missed an test due to her injury, would I mind if she repeated the assessment on the first day back!!! They appreciate my support for her education!!!

End result is I'm up trying to write a polite reply when all I want to say is on what fucking planet are you on. I don't need to be dealing with this now and there us no way a full scale test should be happening DD's first day back at school after a major hospital admission.

AIBU to think you must be an absolute fuckwit to think that is ok.

The teacher probably has little to no idea what your daughter being off actually involves - we’re often given information on a “need to know” basis and it’s considered, generally, that class teachers don’t need to know. Also, they only asked if she could do it that day, right? So you can say no? I don’t quite get the outrage - some students would be absolutely fine to sit an assessment the first day back and then that’s one thing out of the way to get on with school life normally.

tiredgirly
Are you the teacher? Ops dd is in hospital for 2 weeks and this may well be a life changing procedure.

I hope your dd makes a good recovery. It must have been quite a gruelling process to be in for 2 weeks. YANBU at all.

I also don't get the outrage and some of the frothing.

Members of staff at my school wouldn't have all the medical details for an absence. We get told Sarah is off for an operation and will be back in 3 weeks. That's it, unless the child chooses to tell us a little more. More often than not, the return dates are usually after a period of time at home recovering as well. We also provide our curriculum content to hospital schools and small packs of work to do (at their own pace when appropriate) to bridge the gap to help a phased return so students aren't turning up without having a clue. It's almost unheard of to have a child back with us who's still not well enough to manage.

Add into that the teacher has asked if it would be possible, not told.

Personally, a polite 'that wouldn't be possible. I'm not sure if you've been informed but this is the scale of the medical issue & it would be best for DC to sit the work in a week's time' would probably suffice.
No need for calling people out on being a twat and trying to throw the law around.

Jesus, some of these replies! She probably doesn’t understand the implications. I don’t think you need to ‘take it further’ or tell her to ‘wind her neck in.’ Just explain the situation to her

Yab slightly unfair on the teacher.

Odds are she doesn't know exactly what your dd is having done. All I generally know is kids are off, might get a code on the register that says "ill" but no more info than that. The teacher probably doesn't know that it's your daughters first day back then either.

Cut the teacher some slack and reply explaining that it will be her first day back so could they do another day.

Please don’t send anything worded like sashh’s reply.

It is rude and aggressive, and will ensure that you will forever afterwards be known as THAT mother in the school. The teacher has asked if it is OK that your DD does this test when she returns; all you have to do is reply that your DD would be able to perform better if she were given a week or two to settle back into school afterwards. Why does it have to be so angry?

And yes, I agree with the other teachers here that we are not told any details of why kids are off for reasons of confidentiality.

It can be difficult for parents to see it from our perspective because of course, a child is the centre of their parents’ universe (as my DS is to me) and it’s easy to forget that although teachers do care for your children as individuals, they’re are also dealing with 100+ of them a day at secondary school.

I suppose it's inevitable we'd get all the teacher apologists lining up on this thread. Sure, this teacher may not have all the details - however, the fact that OP's daughter has had the problem for a long time suggests that most of them do, not least because it would be a pretty inefficient school if it didn't let staff know that they had a child in their class with a significant problem that will be causing her a lot of pain and difficulty. Also the fact that she's in hospital for two weeks is a bit of a clue that this isn't trivial.

As for the people taking the line that "She only asked": did you miss the passive aggressive "We appreciate your support for DD's education"? Translates as "If you don't agree to this you won't be supporting her education and will be a failed parent." It isn't the most helpful way to approach this, is it?

Ds had some serious medical issues throughout his schooling that involved weeks to months off school, some at home bedridden and some in the hospital. It always amazed me how often I would get the most ridiculous requests from his teachers (and I was always completely frank and explicit about his illnesses and symptoms. "Could ds just get x, y and z classwork done at home this week so he doesn't fall behind?"....uh what part of he's having a severe multi week migraine and can't even open his eyes, much less turn on the light, see anything or do homework are you not understanding? Or the "Couldn't ds come in to take the test, I don't want to give it to the rest of the class at a different time?" uh what part of ds can't actually walk or even sit up at the moment are you not understanding. Or the prize suggestion that ds' 6 week intractable migraine (when he was 9) could be solved by signing up him up for AYSO (American Youth Soccer Organization)....

will she be moved down 6 sets if she does badly in the assessment?

She might well be moved out of top set yes. I dont care about that in itself but her confidence (Which is hanging by a shred already) would take a real hit. Thats what happened last year when she sat a test after a related injury whilst in pain and missed the mark by one point!. I did point out what she was going through but policy was policy. Despite the hit to her confidence she plodded through til the end of the year and next assessment. She was put straight back up, so I was rather glad she was missing this round of assessment as her class and homework stands for itself and it meant missing no taught work. No way did I expect they make her take it the day she returns.

I'd rather her take the test when it's a fair reflection of her abilities, not when she's trying to reintegrate with school and her friends, whilst adapting to using some small but obvious bits of equipment. Preparing for the test is not really what I want her doing right now, the writing load in itself would be very counterproductive. I'd rather have her getting the most out of where she is. The bigger picture is that that's way more important for her schooling and long term rate of absence.

Soontobe60 she might not realise, when doctor's just look at DD they don't spot the issues straight off, then they examine her and I get a load "oh" s as they realise mum might not be as nutty as she sounded 5 mins earlier. The teacher wasn't her teacher last year when some of the related injuries were much more obvious.
Checking the email this morning thats the approach I've gone for, assumed somehow the message hasn't got through and made sure it is now understood. For tired, irritable and sent without editing. I seemed to have saved "my wtf are you thinking" for here where it can safely be let out of its cage. Given i had no opportunity to tone it down it is thankfully polite.
But then I usually am polite to schools.... in my experience you never know when you might be need to work with them to deal with worse!!!

MagentaRocks good spot. Didnt want this post connecting to me regular using name, but had used this name to post for info for next week when I bring DS to stay nearby for the second week.

tiredgirly tired muscles isn't the issue but I'm hoping that's all we're left with. But it really wouldn't matter what she was in for. Testing is not what you want a kid to be doing the day they return from a hospital stay. You want them reintegrating into class, catching up missed work and with (noisey) peers.

No matter what the problem in an OP there's always a few finger-waggers who appear. How do these people function in real life if they bend over backwards to see everyone's point of view but their own, run around suiting everyone, being nice and accommodating and proper? Or are they the officious ones who make everyone else's life hell? [grins]

Volant yes spot on i might be more patient if that phrase wasnt tacked on the end

Mummyoflittledragon thankfully no procedure but an awful lot of hard work in therapy and we have every hope of it being life changing. It has been gruelling but already there are signs of incredible improvement, so it's definitely all worth it.

SofiaAmes the mind boggles. I hope he is doing well.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross also been teacher in the past so have a little appreciation. But I'd never in a million years consider any assessment so essential that it needs to be done on the first day back returning from any illness. Nor consider myself so important to email the parent while their dealing with any kind of hospital admission for anything other than the most urgent issues. Gues that's why I'm angry, the bloody lack of empathy and foresight.

I'll safe venting it for Mumsnet and not the poor teacher

Volant
My school has excellent support for children with ongoing medical conditions. Staff still aren't told the details other than the minimum required to do the job.

E.g. I had a child one year with 60% attendance. I knew what their condition was and what I had to do and when they were off for hospital admissions. That's it. Nothing about the details. Nothing about how their hospital education worked.

It's not being a teacher apologist. The bottom line is sensitive medical information is not routinely shared aroubd school.

Stanmorevisit
I'd tell school what you've just said there. This is what's going on, there's too much for her transition back (e.g. we did a lot to transition things to phase in before a child comes back if its a big situation, but it sounds your school it's you come back and the phasing is at the same time which seems harsh to me). Tell them the issues and then say what you've said that you're more than happy for her to do the assessment when she's at a point to manage.
You seem really reasonable so tell the school what you've told us.

I'm hoping that the teacher hasn't been fully made aware of the reason for your dd's absence. It wouldn't be fair to be making her do a test on the point of return.
I hope you have written a first draft more eloquently than I do. If you are worried about the tone of the email, perhaps send another just to the form teacher saying that you had drafted a reply last night with no intention of sending until you had checked it over in the morning. However, you sent it in error due to the stress and exhaustion of having a child in serious therapy in hospital. However you stand by the message that you do not think it is fair or wise to expect your DD to undertake a test on the first day back.

Juells

The teacher asked if she could take the test or not. With simple explaining of situation, teacher would understand.
After all, she is only thinking of your dd's education.

Stanmorevisit thank you for asking. Ds is turning 18 next month and is doing very well. He is the healthiest he's ever been in his life. His geneticist kept telling me that it should improve once he was done with puberty. After 17 years of it going from bad to worse, I really had no idea of what "better" would look like and certainly no expectation that it would be this much better.

I think the hardest part has been (and it sounds like you have similar issues) that you can't tell that ds is sick by looking at him. Even when he was at his sickest, he generally didn't look particularly unwell or in pain. This is why I would describe his illnesses in the most complicated medical terms possible to everyone he came in contact with.

If you get on well with them, I would be inclined to get the Consultant looking after your DD to reply on your behalf.
That carries some weight, I did it when DS year 1 teacher refused to remove chick peas and lentils from the class for counting, despite her knowing and seeing how very allergic he was to them. I even offered to buy a big bag of pasta to use instead. The allergy consultant at first phoned the office, but she still ignored it so he wrote her a letter, sent recorded, but he read it to me first. To say he gave her what for would be an understatement, he even pointed out that as an NHS consultant, he was overstretched enough without having to waste his time on people like her who feel so self important enough to outright ignore a parent and a consultant too.
Worked a treat!

I think what some of the teachers/teacher defenders on this thread are missing, is how truly exhausting and frightening it is to be the parent of a chronically and severely ill child. What may seem to you as a small innocent inquiry is just one more wave in the sea of terror and overwhelming exhaustion we experience caring for our child.

Stanmorevisit I hope that the prognosis for your dd is a positive one and that your life will get easier as hers does.

Irvineoneohone, yes the teacher is only concerned about the girl's education. She isn't thinking of the bigger picture. I am a teacher too and would hope I would consider the whole child not just the subject and test.
However, I'm guessing the teacher might be unaware of seriousness of the situation and might be mortified when they realise.
We had a situation where a child was absent due to a "family situation" when they returned, we carried on as usual, trying to catch the child up. Something, which to me, seemed pretty insignificant set the child off crying and it was only when trying to calm the poor child down did I discover the full awful situation the kid was dealing with.
It probably would have been better for me to be given more facts but the family had requested privacy.

It does help to realise that secondary schools generally care more about their Ofsted rating than they do about the needs of individual children. You just have to put your foot down and tell them how things will be proceeding when your DD goes back to school.

The teacher may have been told nothing at all. I have a girl in one of my classes who has been off for weeks - I have not one shred of information as to why, or when/whether she'll be coming back. I only know she's ill (as oppose to a homelife crisis eg. a parent dying) because I overheard a conversation between some other pupils in the class.

I'm an experienced teacher though and have had this happen before, so I basically ignore the situation and assume it's being dealt with by someone more senior than me. I can sort things out with her when she does come back. Decisions that are out of my control might happen anyway eg. she might be off for so long that she has to resit the whole year.

I can't understand why a classroom teacher has sent you an email at all. Either he/she is very new/young and naive OR they've had pressure put on them by a twat of a boss.

Don't worry if you have sent a strongly worded email - the school will be very used to them, and it obviously shouldn't have been sent, so maybe they need to look at their procedures in these types of situations. It'll make them realise the stressful situation you are in, if nothing else.

Perhaps if teachers don't have all the information then maybe not get involved until the child is back to school??

She asked if she could take a test, not run a marathon. For all she knows the kid is sat in plaster capable of work and bored and the response would be ‘yes, please send us the details so that we/hospital tutor can help her prepare’.

‘No, she won’t be up to it, she’s feeling very poorly, please postpone’ would be a perfectly reasonable response, to what was a reasonable query.

However, I'm guessing the teacher might be unaware of seriousness of the situation and might be mortified when they realise.

They should assume the worst until told otherwise ie the child is not capable of study.

They should also have some respect for the hospital teachers.