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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FFS at school teacher....

250 replies

Stanmorevisit · 18/10/2018 23:44

Background: DD (secondary) in hospital for 2 weeks planned admission solid therapy to help fix an ongoing problem that school know about and she has soldiered through
Despite a lot of pain in school . She's doing hospital school whilst she's here. The hospital is nearly 3 hours from home, I have another child with SN so logistically its a nightmare and I've been splitting myself in two. family have visited when i cant. Except tonight when I actually made it in overnight, she has/Will be staying in on her own and done most of the therapy solo. She's also also going to be going back to school with a few day to day adaptations that will make her life easier but will be different. It will be hard as a cool preteen. She's in a metric ton of pain from strengthening muscles that haven't worked properly in along time and it won't be any easier next week. She's also essentially missing half term.

I get to (hospital ward) bed tonight to find one of her teachers has emailed me to say as DD has missed an test due to her injury, would I mind if she repeated the assessment on the first day back!!! They appreciate my support for her education!!!

End result is I'm up trying to write a polite reply when all I want to say is on what fucking planet are you on. I don't need to be dealing with this now and there us no way a full scale test should be happening DD's first day back at school after a major hospital admission.

AIBU to think you must be an absolute fuckwit to think that is ok.

OP posts:
OVienna · 20/10/2018 14:51

scary even more reason imo why it would be pointless to send an email like the one the OP received. Wait til the child is back at school and assess.

zzzzz · 20/10/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisreallyisafarce · 20/10/2018 15:20

Aragog

As would I, IF I felt it was pointless. I am not going to start making an argument to management that could be easily refuted. If I felt I was in the right, of course I would, but there is no guarantee of being listened to, as I am not in charge of assessment.

scaryteacher · 20/10/2018 15:59

OVienna, If your HoD has told you to do this, then you send the email, copy in the HoD, and wait for the fallout. The teacher, stuck in the middle, cannot win.

Vixxxy · 20/10/2018 16:23

Wow YANBU, the teacher is being ridiculous.

I would not be all waffly with this like I would be generally in trying not to be brash. I would just reply 'no'

OpiningGambit · 20/10/2018 17:15

People are reading so much into the teacher's very straightforward and not at all 'sarky' email! She's also asked if your DD can do the test, not ordered you to! All you need to say is that unfortunately your DD probably won't be up to it on the first day back.

You're obviously exhausted and stressed OP, but you're being quite rude about the teacher and to other posters. Obviously it's understandable as you're under stress, but taking it out on others isn't going to help.

SofiaAmes · 20/10/2018 17:40

The OP is not being rude at all. Having a child with a serious chronic, life changing or life threatening illness is not the same thing as "my kid was in the hospital once and had an extra week off at home and was totally fine doing homework." Not so long ago a teacher posted who had just had a miscarriage. She was worried about the emotional stress of going back to work. No one was telling her to get on with it and/or sending her emails saying could you just take care of x, y and z on your first day back (and by the way we're just asking so don't get stressed out by the request). The teacher's email was insensitive. It doesn't take a very big EQ to anticipate that the mother of a child in hospital with severe medical issues is going to be stressed out and/or that that child is going to be emotionally fragile. The most difficult part of ds' illness for him was learning to accept that he was different from the other kids and that he couldn't do what they were doing. All his friends from elementary school are in their first year of University and ds is at Vocational school. He's happy there, but it's taken a long time to come to terms with accepting that although he was the brightest kid in his class, he wasn't going to be able to fulfill his potential in a conventional way like the other kids.

user789653241 · 20/10/2018 18:47

Sofia, assume it's aimed at me. Actually, my ds has serious chronic illness as well as severe allergies and do have medical plan, have 3 consultants, and regular hospital visits.
my point was, it's better to have good relationship with a teacher, rather than taking things negatively when it's may not even intended to be.

SofiaAmes · 20/10/2018 19:02

I'm sorry irvineonehone for what you must be going through and didn't mean to be so harsh...it's a button pusher for me to be told that I'm exaggerating my ds' symptoms/illness. In ds' case his genetic disease was not diagnosed until he was 10, so until then I spent a great deal of time defending the fact that he was even sick to begin with and that it wasn't mom (somehow it's never dad's fault) being overly coddling/cautious/hysterical.... As a result, trying to keep a relationship with some teachers just resulted in ds being told/expected/pushed to do things that made him sick/in pain/unhappy/humiliated. I think that we all find different ways to manage these things that work best for us and for our dc's. I found that generally, focusing on keeping a good relationship with the teacher did not help my ds and generally was detrimental to him. I don't mean this to be a teacher bashing diatribe. Ds had lots of amazing teachers along the way who did above and beyond the call of duty in helping him to learn outside of the conventional curriculum. Like in every profession there are good teachers and bad teachers and lots in between. And there are probably some parents who do indulge and coddle their kids when they shouldn't.

Joboy · 20/10/2018 19:34

As someone who had ill child going though school . You have to explain to every teacher what is wrong with you child over and over and over again . Have a appointment with senco before she returned to school .

Original poster
Stanmorevisit · 20/10/2018 19:39

but taking it out on others isn't going to help

I beg to differ. Venting my rage and frustration in AIBU gives an outlet for that rage and frustration enabling a more measured response when dealing with DD's teacher. With whom it is prudent to at least be polite.

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 20/10/2018 20:14

Stanmorevisit

How unpleasant.

Original poster
Stanmorevisit · 20/10/2018 20:24

Well i find teachers who are unempathic to their students deeply unpleasant

OP posts:
Dermymc · 20/10/2018 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 20/10/2018 21:06

Schools do have ridiculous expectations of children now. I would also reply "No. "

SofiaAmes · 20/10/2018 21:28

Dermymc that's not nice to say anyone, but certainly not to the mother of a sick hospitalized child. I do hope that you are not a teacher or in any profession that involves interacting with humans.

Dermymc · 20/10/2018 21:37

All Stanmore has done is bashed the teacher.
We are human too fgs.

MaisyPops · 20/10/2018 21:39

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth
All that's needed is a quick and polite 'hi teacher, here's a bit more info on the specific situation. We are more than happy for DC to do the test once they are back and settled but right now we need to chat to the SENDCo to get the phase return sorted".

No deciding the teacher is a twat. No creating mountains. No deciding that there's a blanket policy on students returning to shcool/being educated around medical issues.

Mary54 · 20/10/2018 22:21

First, I have only read the op. But I’m guessing from your handle that your daughter is at RNOH I know they do incredible work there ( my father was treated there many years ago) and I just wanted to wish her a speedy recovery and all the best for you and your family
FWIW I’m guessing someone at the school hasn’t read her file and needs putting straight. Calmly explain that there is no way she will be fit to take any sort of test on her first day back. I suspect her doctor would back you up if necessary

CheesecakeAddict · 20/10/2018 22:25

Sofia, actually teachers are very much expected to work when they are not fit to. After my miscarriage I needed emergancy surgery (I have a blood clotting thing so I just bled out) and required several pints of blood transfused. I was anaemic and was kept in hospital for 5 days because I kept having seizures. I was told to provide cover, mark it and write 120 reports. The reports were due the next day. I then got dragged over the coals because in my morphine ridden state, I'd given all the kids the same name. I also got a nasty email from a parent because I missed parents evening.

OP, I hope you manage to get it sorted. You sound like you are reaching the end of your tether with everything going on (and it sounds like you have A LOT going on). Are you getting some support? I really don't blame you for losing your shit in that situation.

The teacher probably didn't know though. It really isn't the sort of info shared nowadays. I would just email the tutor and politely ask them to inform the class teachers of what's going on and how they can help with the transition back e.g. expectations, workload etc. Obviously I'm mostly speculating here, but with a test that ultimately makes no difference, it's a bit strange that that teacher created more work for themselves chasing it up. I would assume it came from the head of dept. Or they are being watched very carefully and needed all their data in.

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 21/10/2018 07:40

Maisy show me where I said any of that. DD had 5 days off school last year, she had a tummy bug and wasn't eating. I got a shitty letter from school that was quite aggressive and threatening in tone. I went in and spoke to the attendance officer and told her about DS1, who's got cystic fibrosis. I said that if I'd got that letter while he was in hospital, I'd have cried. She said that they'd have made sure he was kept out of hospital. I told DS1, who's an adult, he said, "Please can she tell my consultant her magical secret to keep me out of hospital?" Hmm

user789653241 · 21/10/2018 07:48

" Venting my rage and frustration in AIBU gives an outlet for that rage and frustration enabling a more measured response when dealing with DD's teacher."

If you said that in your OP, I would have responded differently, happy to be a total stranger to share your frustration and stress having a difficult time. I do sympathise, it's difficult and heartbreaking to have ill children. But without knowing your intentions, your comments did sound like a teacher bashing one. And most people, especially teachers, were only trying to explain that your dd's teacher would understand and be helpful.

Soontobe60 · 21/10/2018 07:48

Have I missed something? What is the child in hospital for? Was it a planned stay or emergency? Why can't they revise over half term for the test? After all, the other children wouldn't have spent all of last week revising, they probably only had 3 maths lessons over the week.

anniehm · 21/10/2018 07:53

I can see it from both sides. Dd missed a lot of school, often she went to school but was home by first break, or had been moved from classes to either sickbay or the staff room. We had all kinds of requests to get work done at home which I completely accepted because they didn't want her to fall behind, but just like this request it was always phased as "is it ok" or "if possible". The teacher above asked if it was ok, a simple no, please give her 48 hours to settle back in or no, the first week she is part time would have been sufficient and respectful.

Teachers don't know why kids are missing school, all they know is they are signed off sick, it could be a routine operation with a weeks planned recovery at home and able to do the test.

By the way, missing most her lessons for years 10 & 11 didn't prove a problem - if they work on their own they really don't need school (if I could turn back time I would take her out at the end of year 9 and homeschool)

user789653241 · 21/10/2018 07:59

Soontobe, it's not as simple as you say. Some can revise, but some may have a lot of difficulty. Everyone/every condition is different. That's not really the point of this thread. And Op doesn't need to explain about dd's situation either.

I just really hope your dd has quick recovery and adjust back into school life, OP.
I do understand the difficulty you and your dd is going through to a certain degree. But I also hope you will form good relationship with her teachers, for your dd's sake. She will need help from her teachers more than regular children do.