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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 17/10/2018 16:10

Did she get anything to actually use on her bday? You said she's got an event coming up, smellies and money but none of those can be used on her birthday. They are the kind of things you'd get a teenager.
My 8 year old would want things he can use or play with on his actual birthday.

Antigon · 17/10/2018 16:12

thisis are you always this goady?

don't worry, pudding, ThisIs has just called me rude and disrespectful today on another thread. It's a badge of honour 🤣

PicturesJane · 18/10/2018 17:24

Are you sure she wasn’t just tired ? You said she had no sleep the night before ...

Canuckduck · 18/10/2018 17:30

It’s nothing to feel awful about. My daughter is about the same age and on the quieter side. She sometimes doesn’t get excited at the time about things like days out / shows but afterwards will talk about it for ages. A toy would be forgotten but the show will probably be remembered.

Maybe a few more toys for Christmas and a special day / sleepover with friends next year.

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 17:32

Maybe a few more toys for Christmas

Why on Earth?

ButterscupsRevenge · 18/10/2018 17:36

Tbh my son asks for new fluffy pjs every special occasion its his best presant, but he is an odd ball generally Grin

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 18/10/2018 17:37

I guess shoes and clothes are every day things and a slightly unusual gift choice, but she still has the shopping day to look forward to with the show, right? So maybe you could find out what she wants in advance of that?

FishCanFly · 18/10/2018 17:43
  1. tired?
  2. didn't get what she expected?
  3. maybe she wanted a party?
Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 17:46

Op you have the chance to put this right if you genuinely feel bad about it (and that it didn't quite go to plan)

On the morning of the show she wakes up to birthday number two. Go and buy bags of balloons and banners. Make a cake with candles and make a few very inexpensive toys (teddy, slime maker) less than ten pounds worth, and make a huge fuss of her. Breakfast in bed, champagne (sparkly elerflower) in a real wine or champagne flute, music and she is the star of the show all day. She can be like the queen and have two birthdays.

I would vow never to buy shoes or clothes again, no matter how special they are kids rarely like them for birthdays or xmas.

You said you booked tickets, so call them and see if they can do a call out or something special whilst she is there.

You can't change her actual birthday, but you do have the chance to make something really special for her on the day of the show. That said, you will be setting yourself up for breakfast in bed every birthday from now on! :)

CherryPavlova · 18/10/2018 17:48

Tell her not to be such a spoilt, misery and cancel the shopping trip - or at least don’t throw more money at her. She’s had plenty of lovely things. You went to significant effort, she saw lots of family and the day revolves around her. She has nothing to be unhappy about.

CherryPavlova · 18/10/2018 17:49

You don’t end to put anything right. You have done nothing wrong.

Earthakitty · 18/10/2018 17:53

Why in heaven's name do you feel awful ?
Sounds like she was spoiled rotten on her birthday.
We used to get a few bits, colouring book, a toy, some new crayons, maybe a book or two and some sweets....
I despair at how spoiled kids are today.
It is disturbing.
Is all this stuff making them into better adults... NO.
You say you don't have much money .
So stop feeling guilty and tell your daughter to buck her ideas up.

angelfacecuti75 · 18/10/2018 17:57

If you haven't got a lot of money i can imagine even getting clothes and shoes os a privilege and this is why she got them & the tockers are expensive too. She just didn't find those exciting cos she's 8. She's not going to die. She had a fuss made and kids always want more x

angelfacecuti75 · 18/10/2018 17:58

Tickets*

Leapfrog44 · 18/10/2018 17:58

I think she sounds spoiled, ungrateful and entitled. And kids get like that because they are spoiled and not taught to realise how privileged they are compared to most kids in the world. It sounds excessive what you've bought so you shouldn't feel awful except about how ungrateful she is. My daughter of the same age will get a single present from us (she's asked for roller skates) and I know she'll be thrilled. She will get presents from grandparents, often books from my parents; maybe some craft things etc. She's not bothered about clothes at age 8!

Snowymountainsalways · 18/10/2018 17:58

Ha such different points of view cherry ! How interesting that you came to the opposite conclusion. I am a pushover so clearly not one to dish out advice, but I WOULD feel so bad if my dd felt this way on her birthday.

I wonder if American TV gives our children the wrong idea of what birthdays should be their over the top celebrations and huge garden parties together with twinkling lights and cakes the size of a wedding for 300.

Thehappygardener · 18/10/2018 18:02

I can remember being very disappointed when my lovely mum asked me what I wanted for a birthday meal, when I was about 9, and I asked for a dessert with ‘real’ peaches. She made something lovely with tinned peaches - but I had meant fresh peaches! I was cross with myself and everyone, because I had built up the meal, and because I realised that I hadn’t been able to express myself properly. I don’t think I was spoilt, but perhaps I was.

But please don’t worry, there will be lots of emotion around your home at the moment, as you are moving, and this might just be an example of it. You both sound lovely and sensitive and there will be many wonderful days ahead. 🌺

Mummyof0ne · 18/10/2018 18:02

You went to loads of effort

Don't beat yourself up

You sound like a great mum xxx

ton181 · 18/10/2018 18:06

I think you spent enough, but was she expecting a party with friends?

Rezie · 18/10/2018 18:09

She doesn't sound entitled. She didn't throw a fit or say anything. She just couldn't fake excitement.

It might not be related to birthday at all. Maybe moving and finances is stressing her out. Kids figure these things out. She might have a lot on her mind, feeling tired, expecting something. Also at 8 you set to grasp the concept differently than when you were little. So could be all sort of things.

Loonoon · 18/10/2018 18:11

Quite apart from there being nothing to play with which might be an issue for an 8 year old, It actually sounds like too much to me. Perhaps she was overwhelmed? One present and some sort of treat like party/meal out/show etc would have been enough.

Whatever you do, don’t get her anything else. Don’t give her the message that the more you get the happier you should be.

choli · 18/10/2018 18:12

8 year olds do not want shoes and clothes for their birthday..
That might depend on the clothes given and how much clothing they already have. I would have been delighted with nice clothes when I was 8.

Dontalkoverme · 18/10/2018 18:12

I’m not sure if I’m on a bit of a tangent with this, but whatever anyone does, don’t try to control or suppress children’s disappointment.

Growing up it was always made clear how grateful I needed to be when receiving presents. Of course saying thank you, but this also included making a big show how happy I was with everything to ensure I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

Well now that’s really fucked up my life in adulthood as I struggle to express myself correctly as I’m always worried about offending people. There is definitely a problem with being too polite and it’s horrible.

Teach children to have manners but don’t try to control or suppress their actual feelings - or in the case of some posters telling them off or punish them for feeling disappointment: You will do more damage than good.

ToftyAC · 18/10/2018 18:14

I’m sorry, I just can’t see why she was disappointed. It sounded like you had a fun and lovely day.

Nanalisa60 · 18/10/2018 18:21

Please please please don’t beat yourself up!! you sound like a Wonderful mum!! We all want to give our children the best things In life but getting into debt is not the way to go. Having a safe sercure home in a loving family is what is really important in the big picture. I don’t really remember what my mum bought me when I was a little girl I do know she gave me as much as she could afford!! but my dear old mum was old school and debt was avoided at all cost. I do remember all the quality time we spent together she was a wonderful fun kind hearted woman that taught me to be strong confident kind and know my own self worth!! We had a great relationship and I still miss her

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