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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 18/10/2018 18:22

Board games come in a nice big box, lovely to unwrap and use for ages. Cheap jewelry and stationary also popular.
You can spend a fortune and they still turn their noses up.
Don't worry op, look at the plastic mountain, it's good for them not to be too materialistic. Enjoy your day out

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 18/10/2018 18:23

The only thing I would be disappointed in was her attitude.

I would be absolutely ashamed my child reacted like that. Toddler year....yeah, ok ish. But she’s too old for that level of ungratefulness.

ashtrayheart · 18/10/2018 18:23

'Spoilt ungrateful and entitled' because she couldn't fake enthusiasm? At 8?
Had she thrown a strop I could agree with you to a point!
Acknowledging a child's feelings goes a long way. I would be saying 'you seemed a little disappointed, it can be a bit of a let down when you've been so excited can't it? ' she might open up. It could be something else completely unrelated to your gifts.
Oh and my dds like getting clothes for their birthday .

Bellatrix14 · 18/10/2018 18:36

I think that sounds like a lovely selection of presents for a fairly grown up 8 year old. As you said, she got toys from other relatives, and they were branded, ‘exciting’ clothes, not new school cardigans!

Maybe leave the clothes for another couple of years if you thought she seemed disappointed with them though, and if she asks/hints for the branded ones again point out that they are quite expensive and that they would really need to be part of a birthday or Christmas present? I appreciate that when you’re 8 you might want a £50/£80/£100 pair of trainers and then be a bit put out if they end up as your birthday present, but that’s the only way I’d have got them as a child!

I’m sure she’ll have a fantastic day out, I hope you both do!

Hadehahaha · 18/10/2018 18:40

I disagree that you have let her down or that she is ungrateful, I honestly just think that kids get so excited about stuff that nothing can live up to it. Remember my son sat surrounded by everything he wanted on Xmas weeping...I thought, for everything you want but left feeling empty and bleak? Welcome to capitalism Wink

LEMtheoriginal · 18/10/2018 18:48

I got two pillows from my mum on my12th birthday. Shewas separated from my dad so money was a issue. I was a brat about it bit pillows? Really??? They were expensive feather pilows so she could have got me something else with that money but pillows- not even with casesHmm im equally mortified at my reaction " where's my actual present" and the inappropriate nature of the present.

I bet your DD loved her present

mathanxiety · 18/10/2018 18:58

I agree that maybe it is your expectation of a show of gratitude that is misplaced.

An 8 year old is not necessarily going to be conscious of your financial constraints or how much trouble you had to go to, whereas you mention in your posts that money has to be spread among other birthdays and Christmas. I don't think you should expect an 8 yo to understand that you did the best you could with what you've got and to expect her to show her appreciation for that.

Maybe she is perfectly happy with the things she got but just not jumping for joy at your achievement, given how busy you are with the house move and that you have a certain budget.

There is a difference between seeming 'really unimpressed' and looking down her nose and dismissing what you got. 'Really unimpressed' might be a question of your expectations being unfulfilled.

It could also be that as an 8 yo the anticipation is bound to be more fun than the reality. Very often children of that age will get more enjoyment out of imagining fun in the snow or a trip to a theme park or to the beach than the day itself.

cutie101 · 18/10/2018 18:58

My daughter is just turned 8 too. We got her books and clothes and a small (maths) game. It's what she likes and although not jumping from the rooftops she was happy. She also had 2 parties and sent video messages to each friend thanking them. She was very enthusiastic in the videos about the books and clothes they had bought, I just think at 8 they don't show absolute delight quite as much as they used to, and haven't learnt to show such great thanks yet, and assume saying thank you is enough.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2018 18:58

lots of x-posting there...

pollymere · 18/10/2018 19:17

To my lovely dd, tickets for a Show would be the birthday treat so she might be different next week. Present wise she just might have been a little sad to get clothes and shoes. It sounds like her actual birthday maybe wasn't as exciting as she'd hoped it would be. Again, I suspect she'll feel better on her treat day.

Cambalamb · 18/10/2018 19:31

Ungrateful.

Cambalamb · 18/10/2018 19:34

Chn of that age talk about their birthdays for months before and count down(I work in primary) so I think you should have a chat with her about expectation, other people in other parts of the world, homeless people etc. I can't bare ungratefulness.

lifetothefull · 18/10/2018 19:35

I remember that feeling of disappointment about that age when you realise the anticipation is better than the actual thing. DD came home from school on her last birthday (8) complaining that no one cared about her on her birthday. I think she expected to be queen for the day. It's normal for her to feel something like this. It's part of growing up. It's sad for you as a parent to see the childlike excitement go, but you couldn't have prevented it no matter how much money you had spent.

jane251 · 18/10/2018 19:36

TBH, think you have given her a fantastic birthday. Jaw dropped that you might think otherwise-so many treats. Wondering if she has peer pressure from richer friends that she thinks not enough.You have really gone the extra mile-you should not worry for a moment.

Thursdaydreaming · 18/10/2018 19:40

Ironically OP and her daughter have acted the exact same way.

DD got some nice gifts, which she was happy with, but also had unrealistic expectations of it being some type of magical experience.

OP got a nice thank you from DD, which she accepted, but also had unrealistic expectations of getting some amazingly adorable reaction and the whole thing being a magical experience.

You sound like a lovely mum OP but I do think you have to adjust your expectations. When you get a present you like from your DH say, do you go insane with joy and leap around, or do you just say "lovely, thank you". For me it's the latter.

AlphaJuno · 18/10/2018 19:41

It can be hard as they get older. My ds gets so worked up and excited about Christmas/birthdays and then acts underwhelmed when it finally happened. On his last birthday he was 12 and he specifically asked for money. I gave him £100 and he probably got another £100 from other family members plus a couple of small presents. He acted really disappointed and at the time I felt awful. Like pp said.. it lacked the 'wow' factor. I kept reiterating that he could get whatever he wanted rather than stuck with toys he wouldn't play with. I admit I did start to see him as ungrateful. My Nan got him a remote controlled toy car though and he didn't seem excited about that, just wanted the batteries for his Xbox controller! I'd be better off getting him a load of cheap presents which 'look' a lot. It's all about the expectation with him.

Marzipanface · 18/10/2018 19:49

Sounds like she is getting older. My kids have got less expressive and effusive as they have aged. She got presents, cake and a drive-thru plus something to look forward to. I would stop worrying to be honest.

stealthsquiggle · 18/10/2018 19:55

I think it may well have been on MN that I saw the mantra “something you want, something you need, something to play with, something to read” and it has always struck me as an excellent guideline irrespective of age or budget.

As my DC get older, I have found that the “something to play with” is both harder and more important - if the longed for “something you want“ isn’t something you can play with as such, then it’s the silly cheap toy which they will be playing with on the evening of their birthday which stops the feeling of anticlimax hitting so hard.

Port1ajazz · 18/10/2018 19:59

Two things come to mind 1.Wrapping round little finger 2.Spending money doesn't buy love!

Babymamamama · 18/10/2018 20:15

I don't really count clothes and shoes as gifts for an 8 year old. Bit too practical.

Believeitornot · 18/10/2018 20:17

The DD didn’t seem to be throwing a strop. She was disappointed. People are allowed to be disappointed - you can’t control how so,done reacts.

We’ve got less money so I can’t get the dcs any thing like what we’ve bought previously. Ds had his 9th birthday recently and we spent less. But we got him things he wanted - not everything though and he was absolutely delighted. Mainly because he had his friends over for a party.

So I think OP, you made the wrong call on the gifts but hey ho lesson learned. You may have got a better set of presents for less money. I think a ticketed event in the future is wasted on an 8 year old!

Snooky1 · 18/10/2018 20:23

My experience of children is sometimes they like it so much they get a bit over whelmed and although they are having a great day they go a bit quiet. To me it sounds like a great day, she probably just taking it all in. Clothes are fine as gifts my girls often get clothes and they like them. X

DancingForTheDog · 18/10/2018 20:27

However place your mind back to when you were 8 years old and imagine getting clothes and no toys for your birthday.

I loved getting clothes for my birthdays at that age. New clothes that nobody had ever worn before. I can remember the smell of new clothes on my birthday, and at Christmas, as a child, it was really exciting.

acegod · 18/10/2018 20:31

what a waste to birthday you've set a bench mark now. Her next birthday you will need to get into twice a debt. Its ok though you'r the one who will end up paying the debt or lose your house and move into a cardboard box. At that age you shouldnt really give them everything they ask for, they need to learn taking responsabilities and learning life skills.

NotBeforeCoffee · 18/10/2018 20:34

Where’s the fun kids stuff? This sounds like an adults birthday

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