Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/10/2018 12:31

Lots of 8 year olds not play with toys so hard to buy them! They grow up so fast and I think maybe the best you could do now is inject some old fashioned fun. Family games and trampolimling if she wants it.

Maybe the girlie outing is more you than her. Maybe lunch out is not such a treat for kids. It costs s bomb so maybe make it ice creams out and re-root lunch money to something that she may enjoy more.

But do not worry, it will soon be forgotten.

Lovemusic33 · 17/10/2018 12:34

Agree with what other have said. I think kids expect a lot these days because there’s so much available to them, friends having big parties and piles of presents, parents competing for the ultimate party or day out. There’s no need to go overboard, they have a birthday every year (possibly for the next 80+ years), spoiling them is setting them up for disappointment as they get older.

She had a special day out, a cake and some presents, no need for disappointment.

Winterbella · 17/10/2018 12:44

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking You see bikes I would call toys, my kids all got bikes for Christmas last year they are toys for children, and you can go into accessories and things like that. Craft things, outdoor stuff(trampolines, bikes, scooters, play houses, balls) all of this is toys to me not just the plastic stuff like another poster said. So just because one of your DC is into cycles if I were buying for them I wouldn't buy them clothes I get them something bike related you know.

Whisky2014 · 17/10/2018 12:46

Jeez sounds pretty ungrateful and brattish to me!

Whereisthegin1978 · 17/10/2018 12:55

I imagine she will be really excited about the show and day out when you go. My eldest wouldn’t have understood fully that her present wasn’t happening on that day (or understood but wouldn’t have been able to appreciate it fully) at that age but my 2nd child was so excited to receive riding lessons - made a gift certificate printed off the computer & that was what she got on the day plus a few small bits. I think it depends on the child. Have a great girlie day when you go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2018 12:59

I think at 8 I would have been disappointed to only get clothes, shoes and books, however much I liked the ones I got.
Gift tokens and cash, however welcome, also don't excite.

I suspect a surprise toy would have "made her eyes light up" a bit more - BUT you shouldn't feel that you've either "buggered it" OR feel guilty.

Explain that you didn't get her more toys because of the house move and that you can take her shopping to get what she would like once the house move has happened and you both know how much space she has.

And then stop worrying about it!

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 17/10/2018 13:05

Nothing toy like about DS and bikes. Apart from random pieces of bike, he liked manuals, specialist guidebooks to cycling regions written for adults. His main request for Christmas when he was 6 was lots of OS maps for different areas of the world to plot imaginary cycle races! Was a bit bonkers but he told everyone he saw. He got a bumper stash of lego that year (big family) because he was 6. My other DCs like Lego but he didn't!

Anyway that was a distraction, my point was not all children are the same to the chorus of 'children need toys' to the poor OP!

Orlande · 17/10/2018 13:08

OP, the presents were fine!
Her reaction was also fine - she said thank you, it just wasn't quite as exciting as what she'd built up to in her head.

I don't buy plastic tat if I can help it, and I'm one of those evil mothers who buys clothes for presents.

For my 8 year old's birthday he got a backpack, a board game, a book and a small £10ish lego set. He hasn't called social services on me yet Hmm

Veganfortheanimals · 17/10/2018 13:08

Clothes and shoes are normal things children need and books ..you could of given her some money to spend if she didn't know what she wanted

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 13:21

I'm wondering if she thought she was going to get a specific gift, hence why she was so excited she couldn't sleep. Maybe she thinks she dropped hints and you didn't pick up on it. Something like x got y, it's so cool. And you just absent mindedly batted it away or forgot about it.

Sometimes kids dropping hints and it's hard to decipher. The thing is if it is going to be stuff like clothes and shoes due to finances then it's probably best to manage expectations really.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 17/10/2018 13:28

Bloody hell, my children's piles at Christmas are going to be seriously small this year if we don't give clothes and books! They will be getting tickets to things, hoodies, sports clothes, pyjamas, books, pants, water bottles, stationary.

I will do my best to find fun stuff for them but there are 4 of them aged 6-14 and 14 years of Christmas, birthdays and children's parties mean I don't think there is a toy or game we don't have that they actually want. The younger ones asked for nothing at all specific last year.

DT2 would like a new cat which would upset the poor old one we already have so yes he will be disappointed whatever we think of.

Cornishclio · 17/10/2018 13:47

The presents were fine. You know your daughter best and whilst some 8 year olds want toys some are into clothes at that age. You bought within your budget, made a fuss of her and are taking her to a show as a birthday treat. That is loads. I think if people expect kids to be over the moon at every present they are setting themselves up for disappointment. Their wishes change on a whim particularly at 8. Just let it go. Plenty more birthdays and christmases. I also find sometimes the more stuff kids get the less grateful they are or excited. Far better to get one really wished for thing rather than loads of tat. Especially as we should be environmentally aware now.

Vickster99 · 17/10/2018 13:54

My DD also turned 8 this week and she absolutely loved getting clothes as presents. She's starting to get bored of toys. So all 8-year olds would not think clothes and shoes were a bad present.

OP - was her birthday a school day? Could something have happened there that dampened her mood ? Maybe try to talk to her about it.

UnderHerEye · 17/10/2018 14:14

I can’t believe some of you are calling an 8 year old brattish for not being ‘grateful enough’.

Since when have children’s birthdays been about the feelings of the parents ?
Seriously- setting your kids up to put on big displays of fake emotion to please others is frankly absurd.

OP it’s not unreasonable for you to feel a bit sad that your DDs birthday was a bit of a disappointment to her, but it would be very unreasonable of you to project that you are sad about birthday disappointment to DD IYKWIM.

And pudding I work with vulnerable families and I want to tell you that you are altogether far too fucking smug about the fact your children are oh so helpful and kind volunteering at the food bank and sharing their money. Charity should always be given humbly. And children have no place volunteering at a food bank or giving their money to someone, do you have to slightest idea how humiliating it is to take money/food from a child ? Catch yourself on.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 14:31

KatherinaMinola If someone seems patronising, I tell them they seem patronising. I'm not sure why that's a problem.

pudding21 · 17/10/2018 14:59

underhereye FFS I wasn't being smug AT all! I was suggesting that in this world of more more more, sometimes we can give a little bit back. Of course children can volunteer, they go and stand in a super market and collect food from people at the counter (You know like the scouts and brownies do: I live overseas), go back to the food bank and organise with the adults, and don't have contact with the families themselves. I am so unsmug about it, it doesnt make it onto social media, most of their friends and families don't know they do it. Unlike many parents who smugly broadcast the fact that their precious 7 year old has an ipad or has the biggest pile of presents you have ever seen. I see this has touched a raw nerve for some people and I am a bit gobsmacked as to why. I worked with vulnerable families myself for years, am a health care professional and live a fairly humble life, though the kids don't go without what they need.

How is it that comments that OP could have done this, or could have done that to ease her guilt are better than my comments about giving a little bit back? Her daughter got a lot for her birthday, yeah she was a little bit disappointed, but I htink in general it says more the consumerist society we live in that it does about the child.

You know zero about my life, so back the fuck off. My kids do this, not becuase of my insistance, but because they care about other people, animals etc. They ask, they offer. I usually post on the relationship forums, I think I will stay well clear of AIBU in the future. I have never ever been told by anyone in my life I am smug for the record.

thisisthefirststep telling me I should be more clear, is not at all patronising is it? The irony.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 15:03

pudding Well if more than one person misunderstands your meaning, maybe you do need to be more clear.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 15:04

Also, none of us know anything about anyone's life. That's kind of the point. People like you make me laugh, as if you're the only one that has a life outside mn, the only one who cares, the only one who does this and that.

pudding21 · 17/10/2018 15:14

thisis whatever, if you think that then fine. I know what I meant. I was purely trying to give a balance. Where in my post did I suggest I was the only one who has a life? ..............people like me????? Jesus.

Dungeondragon15 · 17/10/2018 15:21

I think that an 8 year old would see clothes and shoes as an essential that parents are meant to provide rather than a birthday treat and they would be right really wouldn't they? She didn't tell you she was disappointed so I don't think anyone can call her "brattish". Really, her only "crime" is that she isn't a good actress and didn't do a good job of covering her feelings. Perhaps give her the money for when you go shopping now so that she has something tangible.

shelly0 · 17/10/2018 15:32

I don't know why people are saying you didn't get her enough! I'm not being funny some kids don't get anything on birthdays you treated her to expensive clothes and shoes and have planned a nice day out. Why is everyone so materialistic you had a family day and that as well is a lot more than a lot of kids get ! Birthdays shouldn't just be about random presents that get forgotten about anyway. I would much rather spend money on a day out with my son making memories than buy him loads of toys that get shoved in a box

shelly0 · 17/10/2018 15:33

OP maybe have a little word with her and say did you enjoy your birthday, it might be something completely different that got her abit down x

Dungeondragon15 · 17/10/2018 15:42

I'm not being funny some kids don't get anything on birthdays you treated her to expensive clothes and shoes and have planned a nice day out.

Most 8 year olds wouldn't know the difference between expensive clothes and shoes and essential items though. To them it clothes are just an essential that parents provide whether or not it is their birthday so it doesn't really count as a present.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 15:44

pudding do you normally get this wound up about what people on the internet think or don't think of you?

pudding21 · 17/10/2018 15:59

thisis are you always this goady?

I don't actually, I don't care what your (or others) opinion is of me as I am secure in myself. I care what people think of me in real life though. It would upset me if someone I knew and cared about called me fucking smug and gross, yeah. I don't like being misunderstood though, or people to twist what I said.

Swipe left for the next trending thread