DD Disappointed on her birthday?

[spaghettitoots]

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

Your gifts sound boring tbh - my 8yr old boy would be disappointed.
I was about 10 I think when my parents ditched the toys and got me girlie things like hair tongues and clothes for my birthday - I was so upset, I didn't really have particular toys in mind but it felt like the end of my childhood.
I would get her a big slime set and some other fun bits and wrap them up as a surprise in her new room, but then I am a big softie.

@tigertooth- softie??...-hair licking musta curled youre toes as well as your hair. ..@op- my ds1 is 23 tomo,drove home n took ds2 to cinema this eve...He is right now-doing the same thing hes done every yr since ever.. prelude to birthday-his exitement will always be way,way,way more of a buzz. than ANYTHING presents,partys,sudden surprise vacations to locations,every item on list and more can actually deliver.it is upsetting-for him more than anyone else,probably.christmas is similar. like i said hes 23 tomo,still working on the gratitude\thought that counts. sno easy!

I think 8 is a tricky age. I’m wondering if maybe she is comparing it to her previous birthdays or her siblings birthdays and that’s what has caused the disappointment. I do think the other posters are correct in saying it’s about building the day up in her head and being disappointed when the reality doesn’t match.

I always do my best to do little things to make a birthday feel special. Things that don’t cost a lot of money such as a special birthday breakfast. I will do something like pancakes with syrup and whipped cream topped with sprinkles, then stick a candle in it and sing happy birthday (even though it’s not the official birthday cake time and it’s only breakfast). Breakfast in our house is normally cereal so it is seen as a special treat to have pancakes.

I try to do different silly little things and through the years I’ve done stuff like

• wrap up parts of her packed lunch in birthday gift wrap and sneak in a special treat like a mini cupcake.
• hide an extra birthday card in her bag.
• I’ve bought her a new toothbrush and left it in the bathroom with one of those sticky bows attached to it.
• I’ve filled her bed with balloons (just the cheap ones you blow up yourself) just before I’ve woke her up for the day.
• I’ve wrapped up her seat at the table in gift wrap and stuck a birthday banner on it.
• I’ve put birthday confetti round her placemat before dinner.
• I’ve got her a happy birthday announcement at food place when we were out for lunch (but not the whole place singing as she would die of embarrassment)
• I let her drink fizzy juice all day if she wants (I rarely let her drink fizzy juice at all)

I also give her a card and a small gift (usually something form the poundshop) from the cat.

I think the gifts you gave your DD sound fine but I would probably have added something like a cheap slime making kit (as she asked for slime) or maybe a squishy. Just something to play with. I think fancy brand name clothes are fine for birthdays if it’s something they have expressed an interest in, but I would perhaps have given one clothing item or shoes and spent the rest of the budget on a toy. My DD will be 9 next month and has been asking for a couple of different branded clothing items and a specific pair of trainers. I might get her one or two of them but use the rest of the budget for toys I know she will like. I think kids sometimes like the idea of clothes as gifts but get disappointed when they replace toys.

Birthday and Christmas our children all had same budget for a gift, and pretty much chose what they wanted, if what they wanted was over the budget, paying the balance, or some of it was paid for out of savings/ gift money or chores! I think at 8 my dd probs had a Nintendo, they were the new thing then. Even at 18, the rule is the same (although that counts for a bigger budget for once). This way all the children felt fairly done by, we didn’t have outrageous expenditure on any individual.

You got her concert tickets, in my house that would be more than enough.

Don't feel bad and don't overspend, as she gets older she will appreciate more the time over presents.

My daughter turned 8 this week too..in the weeks leading up to it when asked what would she like for her birthday she basically didn't know. She went from a football kit (has never shown interest before) to a Harry Potter cloak (also never shown any interest before). She basically did not really want anything specific and I was worried that she would be disappointed with her presents. Leading up to the day she was getting more and more excited so I did exactly what you are going to do and took her out for the day, treated her to lunch, she chose some clothes. She was happy. Next day on her birthday she was just so excited about her birthday but whatever we did she kept talking about the next part of the day I.e. as soon as she had opened her main present *a toy, she was wanting to go to Grannies to pick up the present for her aunt. At grannies she was talking aboutbher party.I kept saying to her that she needs to enjoy the now not keep rushing through it to get to the next thrill. It was exhausting! I think my point is that for yr8s it is all in the excitement, even if you had got her a toy it probably now would have been discarded (amongst all the previous toys). What you are doing sounds lovely, she will have a lovely memory of the day that will far outlast any present.

I just think 8 year olds are immediate creatures and the presents as a whole were a bit underwhelming to her on the day. I'd go easy on her, doesn't sound like she was deliberately rude. Also, maybe she might have liked a party?

It seems in your house you have set a precedent of exciting birthdays with lavish gifts and many of them and this one maybe didn’t cut the mustard. Never mind this is the start of life’s many underwhelming events she will endure.
Get over it, she will and I would say at 8 that is hell of a lot to spend. Yet you say you didn’t have much to spend this year!!

I know we are a bit strange but birthdays in our house have never included gifts, the birthday girl/boy has been allowed a sleep over etc and the whole day/evening has been about them. They choose the tea, what goes on TV etc etc they never complained.

Stop with the gifts and they may not feel so entitled in future.

I once got a clock radio for my birthday that wasn't the one I wanted. I was really upset.

I'm upset to this day, as an adult, that I hurt my parents feelings by being an ungrateful little shit.

Forget about it, it's all pretty meaningless, and a valuable life lesson that we can't always have what we want.

Hi
Two things, stop feeling bad ..... we all do it and we all feel guilty at times, whether it be because we shouted when they didn't get ready for school or otherwise. She knows you love her and by the sound of it, you are a great parent! This is not something she will carry with her for the rest of her life :-).

Secondly, I always find that what my girls really wanted were their friends and that does not have to be expensive. Can she invite two friends to come round, bake muffins together and perhaps watch a movie together? Whether that be for her birthday still or not, or something similar but then outside, playground, or otherwise?

Either way, she will be fine xx

Overtired, probably? Don't be too hard on her for not feeling what you wanted her to feel. Perhaps talk about it, with an eye to finding out what would have worked better for her - but not to cast blame for your own disappointment.

Yeah she's 8 and you bought her clothes - she's very young and obviously would want toys. Surely you buy clothes anyway?

Sorry Op. YOU chose the clothes, shoes and books, not her. Kids that age do NOT have the same taste as their parents, plus who wants things like clothes and shoes , which are necessities and she would have to get them anyway. ALL the family got the drive through lunch, not just her. You are also going on the day out, which YOU chose for her. Did I miss something........ was it YOUR birthday?? YOU have chosen and taken part in everything !! Yes you have spent a lot, probably too much, but where is HER present?

Yes you have spent a lot, probably too much, but where is HER present?

I think you’ve misunderstood the concept of a gift. It’s something you buy someone you think they’ll appreciate. It’s not only a present if someone has explicitly instructed you on what to buy for them. Attitudes like yours are incredibly ungrateful. And in the context of the thread, nasty.

JessieLemon
I am not meaning to be nasty, just realistic. If my daughter needed new clothes and shoes, she will get them, but not for her birthday as I would consider myself a cheapskate to do so. She would get something special for HER. This does not need to be expensive. The ops daughters asked for slime and got a couple of pots (they only cost a couple of pounds at the most) which, as she didn’t mention in her original post, appears to be an afterthought. Why not get her something like an Ultimate Slime Kit (only £15 in The Works). Far less than the Op spent on “BIRTHDAY presents.” She had said what she wanted, it wasn’t expensive, so why not get her it?????
Would probably have been a much better reaction if she had got what SHE wanted, not what MUM wanted.
And before you say anything, I have had to struggle with money, but I always managed to get my kids what they wanted, within limitations, and a party which I would cater, and make the cake.

Did you miss the part about tickets to a show? They’re not cheap! The trip out beforehand and a meal planned? Family coming over with cake and party plates? Getting her what she asked for (slime) which is what OP did, she didn’t need to spend an extra tenner making sure it was the flashiest biggest slime kit ever!

OP did great, I don’t think it’s anything about the gifts, just that DD didn’t respond as effusively or dramatically as OP expected (which can have so many reasons and is NORMAL) and OP has got herself in a tizz worrying and feeling mum guilt unnecessarily.

The one thing she asked for was slime and she got it.

I certainly only ever told my mum maybe once or twice my entire childhood exactly what I wanted. The rest of the time I got gifts she thought I’d enjoy which was lovely and thoughtful, and what gift giving is all about: even as an adult I think it’s rude to demand certain items, it’s not really a gift them is it? It’s just telling someone what to give you.

JessieLemon
People are going on about how ungrateful the op’s daughter was!! WHY!!!!! She thanked her for her presents!!! She had manners!!! The op is disappointed that dd did not jump up and down in delight over getting clothes and shoes!!
The daughter was not greedy, she ASKED for slime. Would you expect her to rave because she got clothes and shoes (which op needs to buy her anyway) and a couple of pots flung in as an afterthought!!!
The op has spent a lot of money on her dd but actually most appears to be on things she DIDN’T ask for. DD did NOT DEMAND slime, she responded to her mother asking her what she wanted. From op’s post it looks like she has been asking her for weeks what she would like!!!!! WHY ask if you are basically going to ignore what dd has actually said that she WOULD like.
What’s WRONG with getting her the “biggest flashiest” slime kit??? As you said it’s only an EXTRA TENNER, a FRACTION of what she spent on dd!!!
Dd is only a child, so get off her back.

This is more than enough. You've done really well. Don't buy more.!!!

Wtf are you actually on about? The DD has done nothing wrong in all of this, and people calling her rude are way off base.

Yes these people are way off base. Op seems to have come on here to get sympathy because daughter was not as grateful as she wanted. Poor kid, to have all these people going on about how ungrateful she is. Wonder what she would think if she could read all these comments when she is a little older?? Bound to be some who can identify this family and to be honest I feel so sorry that this 8 year old has been branded as selfish. As I said, poor kid.

My DD is 8 and would have loved this day!! sounds perfect, don't worry

spaghettitoots I think you put a lot of thought into her presents. The clothes, you said, are ones she specially likes and she said she wanted to buy more clothes so that answers those people who say 8 year olds don't want clothes for presents! I think you gave her loads of lovely things, especially taking her to a show.

I remember being 8, as it happens (!) and know I was sometimes a bit moody. I also taught that age and little girls do get premonitions of the onset of teenage stuff from 8 years on.

I would stop trying. Be kind to yourself! Life can throw these downers at the wrong moment sometimes. Try and wade through it. You say she is the only girl among a lot of boys. You may be able to have a girls-together time, you and she, just doing anything and being close and daft together. Tell her you thought she seemed a bit disappointed and you are sorry if it wasn't as good as she hoped. She is growing up and sadly, birthdays do get less exciting as you get older. I honestly think she just had an off day. It's all part of growing up. Try not to look so deeply into it and to take the spotlight off her for a bit. I wondered if she felt a bit self-conscious even, not knowing how to react with her presents.
I think you are a lovely mum and her dad sounds lovely too. I'm sure she knows this and when she's older will be able to explain herself a bit more easily. I don't think she was rude or deliberately less grateful, I think she may not even know how she came across or why she responded thus. As a mum of three girls I can only say life is unpredictable! She sounds perfectly normal and you sound very kind.
Try not to worry!

I think people are ridiculous to call OP's poor DD ungrateful or spoilt. Have you always loved every single present that anyone has ever bought you? If not you are obviously a spoilt ungrateful brat yourself.

I don't think that many 8 year olds would love clothes as a present as they're not usually bothered by appearance at that age. Older children obviously are but the majority would want to select their own clothes surely? I certainly wouldn't have loved my mother's choice of clothes as a child or adult! The price is irrelevant.

My dds don't get as much as that from us to be honest. It sounds plenty. So please don't rush out and get more!

It may be that readjustment around that age between the excitement and anticipation of your birthday, and the realisation that it is also just a normal day. I remember desperately craving that magic feeling in your tummy that gets a bit elusive as you get older.

We don't get our dcs lots of wrapped stuff (as I spend half my life trying to declutter) and they often get given stuff I would have bought them anyway but wrapped up. However, I do do a lot of decorating of the house, balloons everywhere, big badge, special napkins at the table and party hats and special cereal for breakfast etc. And that seems to work on the excitement side without needing lots of money spent.

Please don't worry or make it about amount spent. Dd probably isn't even thinking along those lines.