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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jwpetal · 18/10/2018 20:42

I don't understand why you feel awful. You have given your child presents. I just think it is so sad that you feel bad. I always got clothes for birthdays etc. She sounds a bit spoiled and my concern is that you are allowing her to make you feel bad, when you are the adult and you have done nothing wrong. Let it go and I would say to not spend more money.

chrismse · 18/10/2018 20:47

You did great stop worrying ny neice is 4 and got in a mood because she didnt get a phone lol

grumiosmum · 18/10/2018 20:55

She sounds spoiled and ungrateful.

FunSponges · 18/10/2018 21:03

Sorry but I don't think she sounds ungrateful. I can't imagine any child getting excited over clothes and shoes even if it is brands they like. They are every day items, not special presents. Drive through is something you can have any time too.

A couple of friends over and a buffet style tea with cake etc would have been better tbh.

Nephrite · 18/10/2018 21:06

Do her brothers maybe get more fun stuff to play with so she's comparing to that? Or do they get clothes/shoes/shopping?

celticprincess · 18/10/2018 21:11

Wow, sometimes children that age sound and look like they’ve not appreciated their gifts but they have and just don’t react how you might imagine.
My eldest turned 9 in the summer. She asked for clothes off her nan. Her best friend bought her a box of bath bombs in her favourite colour and that’s what she was most excited about. She didn’t get many toys. My aunt’s present hadn’t arrived in time so her stand in present was a nail kit (in a big box but was actually cheap cr*p. She was extactic about that. Her main present from me was a new bike and she had chosen it herself but it wasn’t as exciting as some of the smaller things. The best thing about her day she said was her party where a few friends came to the beach with us as we hired a hut, had hot dogs and played. Only it chucked it down with rain just as the kids arrived and I thought it was ruined but apparently that made it more exciting. Best birthday ever.
I think OP will get the excitement once the tickets are used on the day. We’ve done tickets before and as a gift on the day they don’t get the same reaction as the event when it happens.
Oh and I always get my children clothes for their birthday and Christmas. They can get very excited over a new dress or pair of pyjamas in the right colour/pattern/picture.

expatinspain · 18/10/2018 21:15

I think at that age kids want a party with their friends. Presents don't seem to matter as much if they have a celebration with their friends. DD knows that the party is her main present and she'll get some small presents, family tend to buy her clothes too. In our house, xmas is for toys. Birthdays are more about the celebration. Mind you, she gets generally gets toys from her friends attending the party, so she doesn't miss out on toys completely. I think at that age they prefer to celebrate with their friends than a family day.

TheStopAndChat · 18/10/2018 21:18

There are plenty of children who WOULD be excited by the gifts given for this birthday. Depends on how you parent and I can totally see WHY it wouldn't be enough for 'some' children. and HOW we end up with so many bratty, ungrateful kids. Apple doesn't fall far and all that..

Carriecakes80 · 18/10/2018 21:30

My daughter had her 8th birthday this year too, and she got a figure, a toy of Marinette (the Ladybug! her absolute favourite atm!) it cost me a fiver. She got a cake too that I made, (it was awful lol) and we said we would do whatever she wanted. She wanted to catch stickleback in the canal. It was peeing down with rain, but she was so happy.

I hate to say it, but do you think it was the fact she got clothing and such from you? My little girl loves her figures, making cardboard boxes into their bases! It should never be about how much you spend, it should be about what makes them happy, and time spent together.

emmylousings · 18/10/2018 21:41

Sounds like a lovely package for an 8 year old IMO. I believe in managing expectations and it does them good. I have felt a little bit bad in the past though - on a few occasions my DS1 has seemed rather underwhelmed by my gift-pile over the years, but now he is 14, grateful for everything, not greedy & materialistic, and laughs about some of the 'rubbish' offerings of the past. It depends on your values - I don't want my kids to see material stuff as a sign of how much you love them or whatever - it's about your other qualities as a parent - time spent talking to them, being there for various stuff etc. That shapes their lives in a more meaningful way. Hold your ground - your doing good OP!

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 18/10/2018 21:48

It sounds like an awfully grown up birthday, OP. She's still a little girl. Clothes, shoes, smellies and a show sound like gifts for a teenager not a little girl. If you treat her like a teenager then you can expect her to be as nonplussed as a teen.

Smallhorse · 18/10/2018 21:56

Don't feel bad ! You got her lovely gifts and time spent with you. You are a good and kind mum !

DotForShort · 18/10/2018 21:57

I agree with some PPs that your daughter had such high expectations that she was bound to feel some disappointment. It sounds as though she didn’t particularly want specific things, she just had an overall expectation of some sort of amazing day. Vague, unspecified expectations can be the worst kind. Learning to manage her anticipation and generalised disappointment is all part of growing up. Her gifts sound very nice and thoughtful, and she will no doubt really enjoy the shopping trip and musical. Although the phrase “you seem like a lovely mum” is overused on MN, in this case I think it’s very appropriate!

I disagree with PPs calling your DD ungrateful and urging you to cancel the outings. Hmm I don’t think your child has done anything wrong, certainly nothing worthy of punishment.

C0untDucku1a · 18/10/2018 22:05

I agree with pp thats just not a birthday for an 8 year old. A promise of a day out in the future does not make the birthday special. Clothes and shoes are crappy birthday presents for children.

Tootsie9 · 18/10/2018 22:06

My grandparents nearly always bought me pants, vests or socks when I was a child. I did thank them but certainly didn’t jump up and down with delight. As a child all I ever wanted was toys. The op pointed out that she went and got everyone a drive through lunch. My daughter certainly wouldn’t see that as a special treat for her, as everyone got the same. The op says she hasn’t a lot of spare money but the amount of money used for that would have been enough to buy something special, maybe a toy, which would be hers alone and something she could show off to her school friends.
When asked by friends at school what you got for your birthday it’s not very exciting to say clothes, shoes and books, but it is exciting to say you got a special toy.
I think that the Op has spent more than enough money on her daughter, but what exactly has dd to show off for it???

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 18/10/2018 22:07

You have NOTHING to berate yourself for OP.

You did plenty for her on her birthday

Even without the clothes and shoes, the rest of it sounds fantastic...

Why do kids expect the world these days?

A friends daughter had her birthday recently, about the same age, and literally got everything money could buy for a child that age. And the child is expecting it too. Dread to think how thats going to all turn out

cakedup · 18/10/2018 22:11

Sounds like a brilliant birthday, please don't feel bad. Lots of pressies, visitors and cake AND a day out to look forward to. Are you sure she was disappointed? She might just be growing up and not acting as excited as she used to. I remember similar happening with DS around Christmas (when he was a bit older but boys being less mature and all that).

When DS was 7, some relatives gave him money for his birthday. He already had lots of hand me down toys, too many in fact. But he was desperate for clothes and I just couldn't afford to buy any at the time. So I spent his birthday money on clothes...still feel bad about it and that was 6 years ago! He wasn't even bothered about clothes like your dd. Tried to make a day of it and took him to an ice cream parlour too. But yeh...felt crappy.

Canshopwillshop · 18/10/2018 22:12

Did you ask her what she would like for her birthday? I found once my DD reached that age she was a lot less predictable regarding what she would really love.

onegiftedgal · 18/10/2018 22:13

I think that it's just a case that children that age just want something that they can play with, be it a game or similar.
i don't know many that would be excited over clothes, shoes, show tickets or smellies (?) at the age of 8.

leccybill · 18/10/2018 22:20

Incidentally, what 'brands' of clothes and shoes are 8 year olds into? My 8 yo couldn't care less what she wears (happy in the same joggers and hoodie most weekends) but I'd like to know for when the time comes!

inashizzle · 18/10/2018 22:32

She won't remember, as by the sounds of it, you try to make sure lots of effort , time and thought goes into birthdays .

I don't believe she's been spoilt , like others have suggested. Some children squeal, some are a bit overwhelmed at fuss and react in an underwhelmed way- like meGrin

inashizzle · 18/10/2018 22:35

Just read more posts. Are some trying to make o.p feel bad? My eldest asked for particular clothing, books and loved subscription to a magazine at 8! I know of loads within this neck of woods . How strange to think they wouldn't be

SoftSheen · 18/10/2018 22:36

That doesn't sound like a great birthday for an eight year old. It's got nothing to with how much you've spent. A couple of toys, and a few friends to tea with a birthday cake and some silly games, would have been more age-appropriate and probably cheaper.

Cliveybaby · 18/10/2018 22:48

Could be worse...
My brother and I have the same birthday, and when I was about 12 (and he 10), we both wanted a guinea pig. We'd spent months talking about them, read all the books etc...
On the day, he got a guinea pig, and I got a horrible green cardigan. I cried. I think my mum must have returned the cardigan because it disappeared pretty swiftly...
I have always remembered that as the worst birthday ever. (yes I know I'm fortunate, but it was the comparison to my brother that made it worse).

Believeitornot · 18/10/2018 22:52

Because @inashizzle I don’t think the dd wanted those things....