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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LethalWhite · 17/10/2018 08:52

Also agree it’s a bit much to expect a child to be grateful to be bought clothes and shoes. A bit like being grateful that you have a warm house and food to eat, I mean yeah it’s lovely that we have these things, but they are a basic parental requirement....

Thatstheendofmytether · 17/10/2018 08:52

She could just be having the "teenager attitude" my ds1 has been like that since he was about 8.
When I was a child I used to be a bit disappointed by Christmas and birthdays because my mum was always really bad at picking surprise presents and they would be wasted. Perhaps next time just give her a budget and let her but her own, I was always happier with that when my mum eventually allowed it. Even as an adult now I ask everyone I am buying for exactly what they want because I don't want them to be disappointed!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/10/2018 08:52

Its all very well saying she sounds ungrateful, heads,and On the face of it you probably right. However place your mind back to when you were 8 years old and imagine getting clothes and no toys for your birthday.

LittleSwede · 17/10/2018 08:53

Is the shopping and lunch out for the day of the show? Does she enjoy crafts and/or pampering? Could you do a bit of pampering as part of the day out, do nails and hair etc before going out to show. Doesn't have to inccur any extra cost if you have nail stuff at home already. Or if she's not into that then maybe a craft activity or baking?

Sounds like she had a lovely birthday with focus on her. I don't really know what 8 yo like as DD is only four. Maybe get toys for Christmas as suggested by others?

IsBabyHereYet · 17/10/2018 08:53

Don't feel awful.
There are a lot worse off people in the world. Hmm

Schnickers · 17/10/2018 08:55

The reality wasn't as good as the anticipation, quite normal for 8. Still think you should have got her even a small plastic thing whatever all the 8 year old girls are into these days

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/10/2018 08:56

However place your mind back to when you were 8 years old and imagine getting clothes and no toys for your birthday.

But the Op has stated other family members have brought her toys, so it's not that she only got toys, most 8 year olds would understand these were extra gifts if they were given tickets to an event/show.

I think especially given the fact she is moving house you really couldn't have done much more OP. She has had toys, clothes, a subscription nice food and a cake plus she is getting a day out. I would have the chat with her to see what she says but I really don't think you could have done much more.

Enb76 · 17/10/2018 08:57

She's 8 - she built up the event so much in her head that nothing was going to be able to match it. You have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be upset - it's part of a learning process that all children have to have.

I used to have to tell my child not to get too excited about things as the reality can never match up to the expectation of a fantasy.

Dollymixture22 · 17/10/2018 08:57

It sounds like she had a lovely birthday. Did she want a party with her friends?

Ginslinger · 17/10/2018 08:58

it wasn't just clothes - she got the subscription she asked for and she got some books and other things to look forward to. I would be managing expectations rather than thinking that you haven't done enough. You have done more than enough and it's never too early to learn that it's the thought that counts.

Scatteredthoughtss · 17/10/2018 08:58

I don't understand why she was disappointed, she had presents and and an outing. She seems really ungrateful. My nearly eight year old would be delighted with clothes and shoes. It does depend on the child and presumably you didn't buy her pants and vests.

PawsomePugFancier · 17/10/2018 09:00

There isn't much you could have done, if she was so excited that she couldn't sleep, the only place she can come is down.

Is it half term? My DDs favourite part of her birthday is taking some sweets into school to share out and everyone knowing it's her birthday. I think she likes the special feeling and isn't that bothered by the gifts.

You are focusing on the gifts because you are worried about money, could you perhaps take a couple of friends for an exciting lunch instead of shopping with you? I think the day out with you will be better suited to her when she's older, pizza with friends would be much more exciting now.

WhipItGood · 17/10/2018 09:02

However place your mind back to when you were 8 years old and imagine getting clothes and no toys for your birthday

Ah that takes me back. I remember my grandma gave me a satchel to start school for my 5th birthday Confused

OP the show will be lovely. When you’re 8, waiting for anything seems an age away, but she’ll love it when it comes.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I find my dcs birthdays really stressful. It’s the build up and expectation (and the bloomin sleepovers Hmm)

Returnofthesmileybar · 17/10/2018 09:03

You've spent loads but she's 8 so for her her main present is next week (show/shopping), clothes and shoes are fine for a teenager not an 8 year old. Drive thru lunch, McDonald's or similar?

Look it's lovely, you spent loads, she got lovely gifts just the wrong ones I think, she's just 8 and under whelmed. What did she get from others? Smellies (who gives an 8 year old smellies ffs), bits and bobs, toys, even you sound under whelmed by those.

It's not anything to warrant feeling bad though, definitely not, just enjoy your day out next week and have fun, that's what she'll remember

MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2018 09:03

Everyone has had a birthday they were a bit disappointed with. Children can mentally build these events up into something completely unachievable. She’s had nice presents and a great treat coming up. Thats plenty.

If you buy more you are just buying for the sake of it. Don’t feel awful, her presents are great. Clothes etc are totally normal. Perhaps she was secretly hoping for an iPhone but even at 8 we have to learn to cope with disappointment.

AuntBeastie · 17/10/2018 09:04

I also agree that at that age clothes and shoes don’t feel like presents, but it sounds like you gave her a nice day and got her other fun things too. Maybe with the subscription and the show happening later it was too much delayed gratification?

Either way I don’t think you did anything wrong! She will probably have a really lovely day when you go to the show.

TheStopAndChat · 17/10/2018 09:05

I did talk to her about that in the run up to her birthday but I guess it’s too much for a little girl to understand fully

No. It really isn't and I can't believe people think otherwise.

So now her behaviour has you feeling guilty so you fall over yourself to appease her. An 8 yr old? No way.
I hope you come back when she's 13, 15, 18 and you're spending above and beyond hoping for gratitude and approval.

Rockbird · 17/10/2018 09:07

Depends on what the clothes and shoes are. My 10yo wants Superstars for Christmas. My niece has just had a load of jumpers with the bottom half missing for her birthday. A pair of school shoes and some new pants, probably not such a great present!

SugarCoatIt · 17/10/2018 09:08

Please don't go out buying things to get into debt, that isn't going to help anybody, and what if you buy her a toy or something another year, and get the same response? You will have set a president.

Please don't go beating yourself up for present choice either, none of us are perfect and we aren't going to get it right all of the time.

You know what I'd do? I'd dig out some baby photos, sit down, have a chat with her - you said how excited she was the day before her birthday? Relate to that, and say how excited you were for her coming, relate it back to the photos of the newborn baby and the lovely girl she is today.

Acknowledge that you sensed she was disappointed but reinforce the emotional bond and side of things with her, and tell her how much you're looking forward to your special day out - that will mean more to her than anything, and will do you all good.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 09:08

Ah, I feel a bit sad for her. It's hard at this age, on the face of it she got a subscription and you're all going to a show and she got a drive thru, although I guess like the show everyone did.

So for her specially she got clothes, shoes and books. Unless she's very into clothes shoes and books, then it will likely feel like she just got the necessities for her birthday.

A bit like your husband buying you a household gadget like a new toaster for your birthday. It's a bit shit really.

Birthdays are normally about getting cool or fun treats, especially as a kid.

I guess you've both learned a lesson. Hers is to say what she wants or she risks disappointment.

cakecakecheese · 17/10/2018 09:09

She was probably knackered from barely getting any sleep. Don't forget it's really not that long til Christmas, make sure she writes a letter to Santa so you know what she wants.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/10/2018 09:09

OP, I did this, one Christmas. I bought clothes, DD was not only disappointed but furious that I was trying to ‘style’ her, as she thought. (She was a very young fourteen). We still talk about it!

You haven’t done anything wrong, she will just have to get over it. And she will.

SugarCoatIt · 17/10/2018 09:09

As a side note, you say your moving house soon? Perhaps this has added to the mix a little? Either way, don't beat yourself up OP.

Buddyelf · 17/10/2018 09:10

My eldest DD is 7 and without wanting to sound mean I think she would be a bit disappointed with clothes shoes and books. She is still very much into toys, collectibles, drawing etc. Maybe she was expecting more 'fun' things.
For me birthday presents aren't about practicality. Did she get any birthday money? Maybe suggest taking her to a toy shop and letting her pick something - she may have been expecting a specific toy?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/10/2018 09:10

Depends on what the clothes and shoes are.

This is also worth remembering. It could be that she had been wanting some clothes from a certain shop or a particular pair of shoes which were impractical and expensive (think along the lines of Lelli Kelly types).

Its not like she has been brought a new pair of trainers for school. Clothes at 8 can definitely be a much wanted gift.

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