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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD Disappointed on her birthday?

309 replies

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 08:35

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Andtheresaw · 17/10/2018 10:07

On 'the specialness of the day' rather than the gifts per se: as parties rarely fall on the big day itself, we began a family tradition called 'Birthday Tea' where on your birthday you get to have whatever you want for tea, and if it doesn't include cake that's fine: we stick a candle in whatever.
It's a bit of a joke but it's something to discuss in advance and builds the excitement a little and does not necessarily cost a lot.
Examples from the last couple of years: Sushi and Tacos (yes, in the same meal). Seafood feast (basically bought loads from the Lidl freezer and served with crusty bread), Lasagne (complete with candle), 'party tea' (which on investigation meant jam, cheese and ham sandwiches, cocktail sausages and squash.). What is special for me isn't special for my DC necessarily. The birthday tea makes the day all about the birthday person. (mad hats and singing optional (obv))

Mookatron · 17/10/2018 10:08

Yes and I think this obsession with a 'special day' might be where the bridezilla thing starts (don't know what the boy equivalent is, maybe it's every blooming day of a man's blessed life).

LethalWhite · 17/10/2018 10:08

OP hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’

I think she just expected her DD to be more excited than is reasonable over none-exciting (but still nice) gifts

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 10:09

God, what world do you all live in that kids need presents and a massive fuss and to have everything they want? She was asked what she wanted and she got it. Yes, this could be nice and that could be nice, my daughter would love a pony but she's not getting one, it would be nice if she could.

The girl had a slightly disappointing birthday, she wasn't ditched in the black hole of Calcutta. This obsessive parenting is so outside my world.

llangennith · 17/10/2018 10:09

I've never known any child feel grateful for the basic first world requirements like a home, food, clothes etc. When they have children of their own that's when they appreciate how much their parents gave them in terms of time and material things.

purplecraze · 17/10/2018 10:10

I wouldn’t feel guilty Op. You sound just like my Dd, always feels she hasn’t quite done enough for her Dd. Like Christmas, birthdays never seem to quite live up to our expectations. The actually event can sometimes seem an anti climax. Don’t upset yourself over it, your dd will be fine.

crrrzy · 17/10/2018 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

gothefcktosleep · 17/10/2018 10:11

Don’t feel awful, you went to so much effort, unfortunately there’s never a guarantee on how people will react to presents.

I expect when she’s older she will look back and feel sorry she reacted this way.

I remember reacting fairly awkwardly one Christmas when my dad gave me a barbie (had lost his company and we nearly lost the house that year) but i was used to getting jewellery from him so it was very weird for me. Probably sounds silly, what 7 yr old doesn’t want a barbie over a necklace. It was just what I’d got used to.

That said, my mother made some absolute crazy errors in judgement buying birthday presents for me in the past, but doesn’t sound like you’re in her league 😂

Nephrite · 17/10/2018 10:12

It is sad that some parents cannot buy their children millions of bits of plastic tat and instead have to buy clothes and other necessities due to lack of money
Op is spending plenty by the sounds of it with the show tickets/planned shopping trip/lunch out. Lack of money spent not the issue

Raven88 · 17/10/2018 10:13

Is she into YouTube because how some YouTubers do birthdays could of gave her unrealistic expectations. They do what I got for my birthday vlogs and show their birthday parties. It's all very OTT.

Nephrite · 17/10/2018 10:16

Do her brothers get similar gifts on their birthday? Or do they get stuff to play with? She might have been thinking she'd have similar to them

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/10/2018 10:16

gothefck Acted what way? She said thanks. What more do you want from a little girl?

Original poster

spaghettitoots · 17/10/2018 10:17

Thanks again for taking the time to reply all.

We had a drive thru for family who live in the house and grandparents who came to visit. We had a cake and sang happy birthday and cake was dished out on party plates. She had some balloons and sparkly candles. It was on Sunday so she was at home, and her aunties dropped by in the afternoon and had cake and she opened their presents. The clothes and shoes I got her were brands that her and her friends all talk about and go crackers for.

She wasn’t bratty, it’s just that I could feel waves of “oh” when she opened our presents. She’s said she’s looking forward to shopping (she wants more clothes - bloody typical) and the show, which is a musical that she loves.

I just felt that none of it made her eyes light up like previous years and due to finances and the house move I did what I could. I’ve obviously buggered it!

OP posts:

KatherinaMinola · 17/10/2018 10:18

I understand how she felt. I'm sure she was excited about the show tickets but she wanted the actual day of her birthday to be special, and it doesn't sound that special really. It's not about spending a lot of money (you've spent loads) but about real magic on the day.

Magicpaintbrush · 17/10/2018 10:19

I know my dd would be happy with clothes, shoes and books for her birthday, and although she will sit and pore through the Smyths Toys catalogue and ask for toys the reality is that when she gets them she barely plays with them. She would rather be on the i-pad or turning the spare room into a museum and making us all visit it. Not all 8 year olds are that into playing with toys, and I know a few other children of that age who don't play much with toys either. I think kids these days expect too much actually and expect everything to be instantly gratifying, which is why they get so addicted to tablets and gaming etc.

KatherinaMinola · 17/10/2018 10:19

For example, if you'd gone to the show on the day of her birthday I think she'd have had a ball. You'd have spent less money overall but it would have been a real thrill on the day.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 17/10/2018 10:20

I’ve obviously buggered it!

You really did not bugger it. I honestly do not see what else you could have done that would have made it more exciting for her.

pudding21 · 17/10/2018 10:21

pudding can we not use actual vulnerable people as some kind of teaching tool for our children? So gross. Those are actual people, not some kind of lesson.

Where did I say "use" vulnerable people as a teaching lesson?? My kids volunteer at a food bank, their choice as they saw kids collecting food at a supermarket and wanted to also help. My kids understand the value of alturism and also the value of money. I wasn't suggesting to march her down there to teach her a lesson, just that we can all teach our kids to help the more needy in our society, rather than busting our chops to get into debt to ease the guilt of an 8 years old acting disappointed on her birthday.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 17/10/2018 10:22

Do you think it was too much?! Did she feel like she had to be super excited to please you?

Got to be honest my DD wouldn't oooh and aaaah over clothes and shoes...she's the same age and they are just a means to an end not some thing she gets any particular pleasure out of.

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 10:24

I honestly do not see what else you could have done that would have made it more exciting for her

Probably bought some cool toys, games, that sort of thing if I'm honest. A lot of eight year olds wouldn't wish clothes and shoes for their birthday. Although it sounds like the op tried to make it special in other ways for her.

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 10:25

@LethalWhite Wed 17-Oct-18 09:59:45
@Eliza9917

Yes, some people have to buy clothes and shoes for birthdays/christmas due to financial constraints, and thats shit. But you can;'t expect the children to be massively excited and grateful for getting something that they need anyway, that parents are expected to provide for their children. You feel excited when something is exciting. If you want a child to ahve an exciting/special birthday, you should try and focus the day on what they like (within budget constraints), rather than using it as a day to fulfil your obligations to them.
I.e. spend a tenner on crap they want and buy a cheap cake and have all their friends round, rather than buying them a PE kit, a pencil case and taking them to the dentist for £100

Why should children be expected to fake happiness and excitement for the parents benefit? As an adult I hate this expectation

I'm not saying they do but all the posters looking down on and judging clothes and presents as gifts aren't really taking in to account the state of many peoples financial situation atm. Untold people are using food banks so it stands to reason that many kids will get things that shouldn't really be 'presents' on birthdays and Christmas.

And with regards to drive-thru not being good enough, when we were kids it was amazing and exciting in itself just to go to mcd's - birthdays were the only time we went. And if you were lucky enough to have an actual mcd's party then you were over the moon. (Mcd's bday cake is beautiful btw, unless they have changed the recipe). I never had a proper mcd's party and nearly booked one for my 30th

Bluntness100 · 17/10/2018 10:26

My kids understand the value of alturism and also the value of money

I think it's fabulous your kids do and are so much better than many other eight year olds. Good for you.

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 10:28

Mookatron Wed 17-Oct-18 10:08:07
Yes and I think this obsession with a 'special day' might be where the bridezilla thing starts (don't know what the boy equivalent is, maybe it's every blooming day of a man's blessed life).

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/10/2018 10:28

Actually, from your update it sounds like you did plenty - I hadn't realised other relatives came over too.

Maybe next year arrange something with her friends, then they can ooh and ah over clothes etc, and that will make it more exciting.

Rockbird · 17/10/2018 10:28

I think it sounds fine OP. She got sparkles, candles, cake and attention, plus some things she wanted. Sounds just right to me.

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