DD Disappointed on her birthday?

[spaghettitoots]

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

I'm not saying they do but all the posters looking down on and judging clothes and presents as gifts aren't really taking in to account the state of many peoples financial situation atm. Untold people are using food banks so it stands to reason that many kids will get things that shouldn't really be 'presents' on birthdays and Christmas

I think you're misreading the thread. No one is looking down and judging, everyone understands if the op couldn't afford to buy gifts other than clothes or shoes. She asked and people responded with the truth, that yes, many eight year olds wouldn't be excited to get clothes for their birthday, but that is not the same as saying they don't understand why it has to be done in some circumstances.

Actually OP I think sometimes you have to step back and just let them have their emotions. It's nothing to do with you in reality. You tried your hardest - you know you did - and she has not behaved badly. This is her private, internal life, and she will deal with the (very minor!) disappointment in her own way.

Eliza9917 That's what I was try to explain as well. Just because the OP sounds like she spent a lot of money on show tickets many other people simply will not have a choice for their children's birthday or Christmas.

I think people need to remember that lots of people reading this will already feel like crap having to resort to using clothes as gifts. This thread may tip some over the edge into spending money they simply do not have getting themselves into even worse financial situations just because lots of people have stated children shouldn't get necessities as gifts.

bluntness thats a bit harsh isn't it? You know nothing about my life, are you usually so passive agressive?

I was trying to hightlight that the OP had clearly done more than enough for her 8 year old on her birthday. Kids get disappointed all the time, however as parents we can show them how bloody lucky they are and appreciate the things they have, while others are not so lucky.

My kids are by no means perfect, but I hope they shape out to be caring considerate adults of the future who understand that despite financial constraints they had parents that did their best and that they were/are lucky to have what they have.

Or maybe I should teach them they need more plastic? Or the latest Iphone/tech??

She didn’t actually complain so I’m wondering if you’ve just misread it because you were expecting a bigger reaction than she gave? Maybe she’s just getting older and a bit less excitable? I’m sure she had a lovely day.

bluntness thats a bit harsh isn't it? You know nothing about my life, are you usually so passive agressive?

No, on the contrary what's harsh is coming on a thread where someone has posted and said their kid was disappointed in their gifts and telling everyone how your kids are so altruistic and know the value of money.

And everyone wants their kids to grow up being considerate adults who understand their parents did their best.

Really this thread is not about how great your kids are and how they would not behave like the ops. There is no need to point it out. She asked for advice, not for people to say how much better their kids were.

she wanted the actual day of her birthday to be special, and it doesn't sound that special really.

A drive thru, grandparents and aunties visiting, cake, 'Happy Birthday', balloons and sparkly candles, wasn't special?

And she got clothes, shoes, books, a subscription and tickets to a show, and is still to get some shopping and lunch out.

For an eight-year-old that's plenty. Fuck, that's plenty for ANYONE!
Stop fussing around her, OP, and don't feel guilty. If she's decided to be or act disappointed then she can knock herself out, but you don't have to react.

I think the presents sound lovely - and i don;t think se sounds ungrateful either, she was disappointed because something didn;t meet her expectations, but maybe even she doesn't quite know what. I imagine she had somehow built it up to be a huge day in her mind and that somehow things weren;t quite as she imagined.
But whatever the reason, you have no reason to beat yourself up - thepresents are fine.

What I think is probably the probelm is that eight year olds aren;t very good at delayed gratification - so her show and day out haven't happened yet - I bet when they do she will be really excited. It will be a lovely day and if you keep mentioning that she is a 'birthday girl' on the day out she'll get thats ometimes good things are worth waiting for.

We can easily wait as adults for a future event gift, but 8yr olds can't look that far into the future, - I promise you that when you are out and she's wearing her new clothes and spending her birthdya money and seeing her show, with her mum all to herself, she is going to be thrilled to bits.

You have done absolutely fine - repeat that to yourself

Ds always gets down in ghe dumps on his birthday. It takes him a few days to come round and look at his stuff.

Hi reaction to opening clothes is hilarioys tho, I have many a video of this 😂😂😂

The OP says the dd received clothes that were "trendy" and that are popular amongst her friends, not a couple of George tops and some school shoes. Frankly I think the dd sounds a bit spoilt and ungrateful, given that there was a party tea, drive-through, visitors and big treats to come.

I think, however, that expecting the "Wow!" reaction is setting yourself up for disappointment. It will lead you to bust a gut for Christmas and year on year desperately trying to elicit the leaping in the air and screeching that you see "everybody else's" dcs doing on social media. And, as someone else observed, you really do not want to nourish the entitled teenager glaring at their presents which have fallen short of their expectations, or indeed the glowering discontented bridezilla.

Or even those weird MNetters who post AIBU that someone's funeral/wedding dared to be on their birthday ...

I think it sounds lovely and that you were very thoughtful OP. Don’t feel bad - you did your best and sometimes kids just have different expectations that you couldn’t have predicted.

I remember on my 9th birthday my ‘main’ present was a dressing table that my mum had done up with pretty material etc and I was really disappointed. Looking back now I still feel guilty and hope I covered it well! Generally my parents were wonderful with presents and it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all - maybe your DD felt similar. But you didn’t let her down!

Agree with pp that as painful as it is to watch, the experience of over hyping something only to be a bit underwhelmed is essential part of growing up.

Absolutely.

It’s nothing to do with money OP. We’re lucky enough to be fairly well off and I experienced the same thing with my eldest. Please don’t feel bad and think if you had more money you could have made her happier - it’s not true. It really isn’t about that. And the more children receive the less they value what they have.

My solution has been to manage expectation and actually dial back on presents. I explain what is realistic to expect. I’m not going to spoil them with masses of tat they think they want and quickly forget about.

pudding you really think going to a homeless shelter to demonstrate how bad life can be is nice and altruistic? Bit fucking patronising, no? Those are people with lives. Not some kind of zoo animal.

OP, you're doing just fine. Don't beat yourself up over not having everything perfect. My mum did that my whole childhood and it ruined things. Let things flow more. Life happens. Stuff happens. Moods happen. As long as she had a nice day, there's no issue.

@spaghettitoots I would of done a sleepover for cinema/ice skating sort for her and a couple of friends x

I just felt that none of it made her eyes light up like previous years and due to finances and the house move I did what I could. I’ve obviously buggered it!

As they get older that does seem to get rarer - with mine it's not always relateable to money spent either.

Plus she hasn't been to the show or done the shopping trip yet.

OP, do your eyes light up at every birthday?

I'm sure they don't.

That is life. We grow up. We become more complex. Not everything is special and amazing all the time.

I think you gave her a fabulous day OP and lovely presents.

I’d have loved all the presents you gave her when I was 8. I still love being given clothes and I’m 48.

What did she get last birthday/Christmas that "made her eyes light up"? I really think you are making a rod for your own back here.

Ha my dd had the worst birthday ever at 8. She came down with a vomiting bug and went to bed. Her guests were all male and no interest in the craft activity I laid on. My friend did not pick up my elder dd from school so the deputy head walked a tearful dd1 back to ours where the little boys were running wild. The food was burnt pizza as I was on my own. Compared to that your dd has done well!

Bluntness I was not replying on the thread to show how wonderful my kids are, and apologies to OP if it came across that way. She was suggesting she was going to go get herself in debt to make up for her perceived dissapointment which is ludicrous in my opinion.

I responded to a PP saying that it was gross to use examples of the more vulnerable in society which was not my point at all. My point is when kids complain, or moan or are disappointed, we should use those times to discuss with them how to be grateful for what we have.

You suggested upthread that you understand why her daughter would be disaapointed with the presents she got, I think thats wrong. Kids of course can show their disappointment, but its out job to counter balance that and prepare them for real life isn't it?

pudding you really think going to a homeless shelter to demonstrate how bad life can be is nice and altruistic? Bit fucking patronising, no? Those are people with lives. Not some kind of zoo animal That wasn't what I said. Not to demonstrate how bad life can be, but to help people less fortunate that ourselves. I never said take her down to see the homeless like zoo animals FFS.

pudding then you need to word your posts more carefully if you don't want to be misinterpreted.

I don’t think you can get lighty up eyes every year.

That is a peculiar chemistry of getting what you hoped for, or getting something you weren’t expecting but actually want etc.

It’s like trying to chase a white rabbit.

I think you spent plenty but maybe she just doesn't love clothes and books as presents. It doesn't sound like she was ungrateful though- she's only 8.

Perhaps you could ask her whether she'd enjoy a trip to the toy store to pick out one big toy while you have the girls day out & theatre trip?

When it comes to Christmas make sure that she writes down exactly what she would like.

She's 8! She had probably daydreamed of a pony or being a whisked off to be a pop star (or whatever!). I wouldn't give it a second thought now. Nothing would add up to her day dreams probably and she's gently learning about reality. She had a nice day and nice presents. No more than happens in our house on a birthday.

I don't think the OPs daughter was in the wrong but agree about this 'special day must be all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee' malarky is becoming annoying and building up to adult birthdayzilla tantrums.