DD Disappointed on her birthday?

[spaghettitoots]

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

You don’t need to feel awful at all. The reality didn’t live up to her expectations but she’s 8, and her expectations/excitement levels would have been high. It would have been very difficult to live up to!
If she’s anything like I was as a child she’ll feel bad that she didn’t act more excited on the day.
Hope you have a lovely day out next week!

My daughter was definitely into clothes by the age of 8 and certain ones would have been well received presents

To be completely honest, it doesn't sound like the birthday I would have wanted at that age.

I always had a party (nothing major, but a bunch of kids in, pop the balloon, pass the parcel, musical bumps, and a cake, but lots of running around shrieking). I was definitely still getting toys at that age, although nothing expensive. Was there a reason she didn't have friends/neighbours/cousins around? It all just sounds a bit sober.

Agree with pp that as painful as it is to watch, the experience of over hyping something only to be a bit underwhelmed is essential part of growing up. She has had numerous presents, toys and smellies and clothes and books and a cake and an outing and girly stuff to come. If she’s disappointed by this then by farrrrr the best lesson is for her to realise that sometimes life is a bit like that and not a Disney show. Far better in the long run.

I grew up in a place with very conspicuous consumption and had a lovely middle class life with lots of ordinary nice things, but was surrounded by princesses with boats/ponies/cars/tennis courts. Without a doubt I can say I, along with many other similar perfectly well-off, normally indulged kids, have done far better in life because we could brook reality and disappointment and had less sense of entitlement to a perfect life.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about spending loads of money on expensive toys.

At around 8 I was obsessed with puppy in my pockets. I remeber getting the puppy in my pocket hotel and it was the Best Thing Ever. I would happily have had nothing else, think they cost about £15-£20

Obviously it was completley useless tart, but that’s what you want when you’re 8. Shoes and clothes just appear by magic in your wardrobe, and yes it’s nice to have nice ones and choose what you ant, but it doesn’t make a birthday magical

Thank you all for your replies.

I did invite her best friend to come over for the day, and to the show, but unfortunately she’s on holiday and doesn’t come back until the day the show is on so it wasn’t possible.

She did get birthday money from grandparents, and like I said I have put aside some money for her to buy things when we go shopping, I just couldn’t afford to have it all there for her on the day.

I don’t know whether she was secretly expecting something specific, I’ve asked and she’s said no, so I’ll just have to hope the show and shopping day will suffice!

You shouldn't feel bad but should have a talk with your DD on her ungratefulness. That's a lot to give for a 8 birthday and perhaps next time do and give less but exactly what she wants (if it's slime then just slime and a cake)

Could it be connected with how much fuss you made when presenting the gifts? - did you have birthday banners, balloons etc. One year, prob about that age we didn't have much for DD - I think it's quite a hard age to buy for as getting old for toys yet still want them. That year I put quite alot of effort into the wrapping and display of the presents so it looked a bit wow when she first saw them.
I am sure you will both enjoy your special mummy daughter day - what about booking her a nail paint - some Superdrugs have nail bars. Reasonable price.

Sounds like plenty to me.

Don't get her more stuff and deffo don't get in debt to get it!

Sounds to me like you put a lot of thought in to her birthday and tried to get her something she'd enjoy, whilst also getting something practical - clothes etc.

You have a major life change approaching (the house move) so could understand that would bring financial constraints and perhaps that has contributed to your daughters mood.

Perhaps next year, give her the chance to look about for what she'd like for her birthday and then you'd have an idea in to what she'd really like. I did this with my daughters 8th birthday (a few weeks ago) and she was very grateful. We explained she would have fewer gifts as they cost more money and she was very grateful and happy.

Don't beat yourself up about it. As PP have said, she probably built it up so much (as children do!)

Maybe OP couldn't afford to buy the perhaps essential clothes and shoes as well as lots of birthdays toys and other presents?

it was completley useless tat, but that’s what you want when you’re 8

I am sure if she had asked for useless tat e.g. Lol dolls, squishies or what ever else is the current trend at her school she would have been brought it. The OP's daughter asked for a subscription and that's what she received.

Maybe she didn't want the useless plastic rubbish so that's why she didn't ask for it. If the Op had brought her toys instead of the subscription she would still be unhappy because she didn't get what she asked for. Plus for all we know the subscription is for crafty/arty activities or loot type tat?

It’s normal to feel a little deflated after a birthday, it sounded like a lovely day, don’t worry.

And to add as I've just seen your latest post, perhaps she was very upset her friend couldn't be there?

I know if my DD couldn't have had her friend round to spend the day with her, she would have been very upset as they had spent weeks talking about it.

I must be very lucky mine like getting clothes and books - though they get toys and craft things as well - till recently they didn't get much at all between birthdays and Christmas due to finances.

DS now 11 and a full wardrobe only occasionally gets excited by clothes now - last thing was a jackets with storm trooper face on. MIL tends to buy more generic boy stuff clothes wise which is useful but he doesn’t get excited about.

problem could be tiredness, over excitement friends having parties or delayed gratification with trip – even so I seriously doubt it will be the one stand out birthday of her childhood for her so don’t try and thrown money trying to fix it.

I'd suggest toys for Christmas or things that look more grown up atht she can open there and then – that was a thing wanted by my DDs at that age.

Clothes, shoes and a drive through lunch are all things that are either a necessity such as the clothes and shoes or easyily accessible and not special as in the drive through lunch. So I can see why she may not be impressed my 12 year old wouldn’t be.

However you have said you are short on money and would get into debt to buy her another gift then YANBU as no birthday is worth putting yourself under financial strain maybe you need to sit her down to explain that.

I disagree with posters slating this 8 year old child as "ungrateful", has an "attitude" and they would be annoyed with her etc. She didn't kick off, whinge or have a strop...she just didn't express the level of excitement that OP was anticipating. 8 is still quite young to understand that adults expect you to put on a show of being excited for their benefit when you're not.

OP, It may be that she simply built the event up in her head so the reality was never going to live up to the anticipation. It may be that she was expecting a toy rather than clothes and shoes. Maybe she was sad not to have her friends involved on her birthday. Or maybe she found it awkward or embarrassing being the centre of attention, some kids find that difficult. Whatever it was, she's not going to be traumatised. She will enjoy her day out and the show and it will be fine. I certainly wouldn't rush out and get yourself into debt buying stuff now.

it just wasn't as exciting as she had anticipated. 8 is a tricky age

Surely we've all experienced that same transition? I certainly remember the same turning point around that age. When it was my son's turn, I was very aware of it and we made sure we did different "special" things for birthdays and Christmas around the ages 7-10 not so much to avoid him being disappointed, but to make those special days different so he wasn't comparing with earlier years. When they're very young, everything new is exciting. As they get older, there's less they'll find "new" and you naturally transition to less exciting things, such as clothes. It's just part of growing up.

I remember being about that age and my grandma painted me a picture for my birthday.

I was gutted. Its a nice thought for a grownup, but I was 8, I would have loved a toy.

When I was 8, I got roundly told off by my DM for being 'spoilt and ungrateful' for not rhapsodising about my birthday presents, which were a duvet cover, an umbrella, a shorts and T shirt set and a pencil case. I had said thank you and not whinged at all- I honestly wasn't spoilt or ungrateful- but I hadn't been inspired to jump around shrieking with delight about the things I'd got which my DM took badly. The thing is, I have no resentment or sense of being let down by the presents themselves, but being in trouble for not being happier about them has stayed with me for 30 years!

Buy her a squishy from amazon I bet she 'll love it. Mine just turned 9 and didn't want any toys. She looked disappointed with her main presents because she already knew about them I think. But she LOVED the squishy we bought. She sleeps with it!

I disagree with posters slating this 8 year old child as "ungrateful", has an "attitude" and they would be annoyed with her etc.

I stand by my assessment of her on this occasion being ungrateful and I think the OP does have the right to be annoyed with her simply because she had to be told by her father to say thank you.

Whether you are 8 or 80 if you have to be told to remember your manners when presented with lots of gifts (even ones you do not like) then you are being ungrateful and the giver is reasonable to be annoyed at you. Manners cost nothing and to forget to use them is pretty poor behaviour in my opinion.

It does all sound rather "adult" doesn't it?

Does she want a "girlie" day out or would she rather do something with a friend or two?

Idk, I sometimes got clothes if I wanted something extra to the essentials that mum & dad could afford iyswim.

But at 8 there would have been a party with friends.

I wouldn't worry much. She's entitled to her feelings whatever they are and to be fair she hasn't really kicked off. But its really important to just move on, not to go out spending more money etc.

She might remember it, she might remember that she was unreasonable! I was a pretty ungrateful child but I'm so glad my parents didn't pander though as I'm a very appreciative adult and think of those early moments as part of my education in life.

Part of the problem now is that toys are comparatively so cheap now that its easy to go overboard when children are toddlers and little ones but as they get older its practically impossible to give the same wow factor. Think of all those threads in the Christmas topic where children already have practically every potential present and there parents are still hunting for the 'wow'. Not judging, it's something lots of us do.

Could she be upset or apprehensive about something else? School? House move? Her best friend not being there?

I remember being gutted that I had to go to school on my birthday.

DD has always been rather ambivalent about birthdays too (she's adopted and that's quite common). She always wanted a party because that's what other kids did, but then she'd be quite overwhelmed and eventually bored by it. I'm sure she looked ungrateful and stroppy to outside observers but she was just being a child who didn't know how to manage her own expectations yet.