DD Disappointed on her birthday?

[spaghettitoots]

Hello all,

So last week it was dd’s 8th birthday. She couldn’t sleep the night before her birthday because she was so excited. On the day she got her presents from us (clothes, shoes, books, a subscription she asked for and tickets to a show for next week - I’ve told her we’ll make a day of it, bit of shopping, lunch out etc) and I went and got everyone a drive thru for lunch followed by cake (one she wanted) and... nothing. She seemed really unimpressed and I feel awful. We don’t have a lot of money and at the minute, but I thought she’d enjoy a day out and a bit of girlie time (she’s the only girl in a house of boys).

She said thank you and after a little nudge from her dad when I was out of the room she came and gave me a hug. But I feel like I’ve ruined her birthday and it’ll be one she’ll always remember glumly. So I’m between feeling guilty and wanting to rush out and get into debt buying her things, and having the hump that she’s been ungrateful.

AIBU?

birthdays and Christmas never turned out to be as great as you hope, I always remembered wishing for more but i dont resent my mom for it. I had a single parent and looking back she did everything to make it as special as she could.

I think nowadays especially, kids do want for more as other peoples lives are rubbed in our faces and even as an adult its hard to be on instagram/facebook etc. without getting jealous of others.

She won't resent you for this, but maybe she needs some realization into how lucky she is to even have clothes on her back?

I remember getting a t shirt for my 8th birthday from a family friend and while it was a nice t shirt I had a very strong feeling of ‘oh-this is the beginning of the end of ‘fun’ presents.’ Not disappointed as such but reflective on growing up!

Wait until the day of the show.
She got an amazing array of gifts. She's too young to be able to muster excitement over something she hasn't experienced yet. Have a fabulous day of girly times and the show and she'll 'get it'. Don't worry.

Getting yourself in debt over a birthday would not be a good lesson for any of your kids. As others have said, clothes and shoes are possibly not the most exciting presents for an 8-year-old but you're so right to make the day out the 'main' present. Believe me, expectations get higher every year regarding 'things' so anyone who wants to avoid living in a hoarders mess of unwanted (and mostly ignored) plastic crap would be wise to follow your example. Experiences over stuff, every time. Maybe next year you could do the same but with a couple of new arty things to play with on the day?

LethalWhite Wed 17-Oct-18 08:52:11
Also agree it’s a bit much to expect a child to be grateful to be bought clothes and shoes. A bit like being grateful that you have a warm house and food to eat, I mean yeah it’s lovely that we have these things, but they are a basic parental requirement....

And hard enough for some people to provide without spending a fortune on tat. For some people, it's a necessity to buy clothes & shoes for birthdays/Christmas.

All the posters saying clothes & shoes aren't good enough gifts should remember that. If your stuff is old & tatty then its nice to get something new.

Maybe do a little tea party next time? Even if it’s just for the family.

A drive-thru burger would not be a special treat in our house. It’s a “Fuck it- running late and can’t be arsed to cook” emergency dinner.

You can get party plates and cups very cheaply from Asda/Tesco so it doesn’t need to be expensive.

Is she generally an emotionally expressive person?

Maybe she liked it just fine but isn't the type who is overly effusive with gratitude.

I disagree with posters slating this 8 year old child as "ungrateful", has an "attitude" and they would be annoyed with her etc. She didn't kick off, whinge or have a strop...she just didn't express the level of excitement that OP was anticipating. 8 is still quite young to understand that adults expect you to put on a show of being excited for their benefit when you're not
Agree with this

@HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone
Whilst I agree that the DD should have thanked her parents for the gifts, I don't believe that this would change OP's DD's internal feelings of disappointment. I think manners are important, but I also think a child being able to express her emotions honestly without fear of have her feelings belittled or being accused of being ungrateful is vital. Remember we are dealing with a child here so it is unrealistic and unhealthy to hold her to the same standards you would an adult.

Basically I think OP got the presents wrong and this led to her DD feeling underwhelmed and sad. Of course the reality of big events sometimes fail to live up to the expectation at this age, but there is a tangible reason why this was the case on this occasion (inappropriate gifts). If I was OP I would discuss with your DD why you thought these things would make good gifts and how you realise on reflection that you might have done things differently. I would tell her that next time it would help if she could give you some suggestions of things that she might like so you can have a better chance of choosing things she would love and be excited about. I think the main thing is that she realises that you had the best of intentions and just got it a bit wrong this time. It could be a good lesson for her, not only about dealing with disappointment, but also about how parents are people too that make mistakes and that's ok.

Op don't feel bad! She's a lucky girl and will have a great day out with you - she'll be excited on the day I'm sure.

My 7yo would also be un-excited with shoes and clothing but would still like them. She can wear them for your girly day it'll be lovely.

To be honest for her 9th birthday I'd be taking her to volunteer with the homeless if that is how she reacted. You gave her loads, she got part of what she wanted, she got other toys etc from extended family and her birthday treats last well past the actual day. I can't actually believe what people have written here, no wonder young kids are so entitled these days.

You don't have much money, you gave her some lovely thoughtful gifts. Don't waste a second more thinking about it or try and over compensate for her ever so slight sulk (if it even was one).

My eldest for his last birthday just asked for money (he is 11) so he could save up and go and buy something her really wanted. Seeing people post on facebook pictures of their darling little ones surrounded by birthday presents make me want to vomit. Make it special, but you don't have to put yourself into debt. Jesus, my mum used to get second hand clothes/toys for Christmas and she had a delightfully happy childhood and fond memories fo Christmas & Birthdays (she was 1 of 7 and my Grandad was unable to work due to illness so they literally had nothing).

My dad gave my youngest 10 quid yesterday, he is saving half of it to give it to someone who needs it more. Not bragging, and its not forced on him, they just appreciate the value of money and that they actually are incredibly lucky to have what they have.

I'd still be getting toys/crafts to play with at that age. If she couldn't think of anything then surprises.

it would help if she could give you some suggestions of things that she might like so you can have a better chance of choosing things she would love and be excited about

I think I must be reading a different thread the OP did this, and brought her daughter what she asked for? How can they possibly be inappropriate gifts if they are the ones her child asked for?

Wow. Its totally OK for 8 year olds to be disappointed.

It's their birthday they can feel how they like!

Don't feel bad. It's just birthdays, innit. She had a lovely time looking forward to it, that's most of the fun.

To be honest for her 9th birthday I'd be taking her to volunteer with the homeless if that is how she reacted.

Seriously?

The Ops daughter didn't stamp her feet, shout, cry, have a tantrum or throw her gifts aside. She just didn't seem as excited as the Op was hoping she would be. She hasn't done anything wrong.

bump agree

pudding can we not use actual vulnerable people as some kind of teaching tool for our children? So gross. Those are actual people, not some kind of lesson.

She sounds ungrateful but in my experience, most privileged eight year olds are at times! My DS is the same, nothing is ever good enough. You have fuck all to feel guilty about, she got presents and will be having a lovely (expensive!) day out with you too.

I stand by my assessment of her on this occasion being ungrateful and I think the OP does have the right to be annoyed with her simply because she had to be told by her father to say thank you.

Then you need to learn to read. THe DD thanked her mum, the dad ave her a nudge to give the OP a hug.

Sorry but I am with the 'crap birthday' school of thought. There was nothing special on the actual day.Basically clothes, books and a drive thru.she needed something to play with- games or toys and a tea party

I think she'll be impressed on the day of the show. You've got tonnes for her, wouldn't worry about it as it's a tricky age.

I actually think people are missing the point - the presents sound fine (and perfectly generous) although a bit of tat as well might have been fun.

But the day itself doesn't sound fun or exciting or special - I agree with the PP who said just a little tea party might have marked the day nicely. Also, even if her best friend was away, why not have a few other friends over for a pizza and cake?

It's nothing to do with money. It's just about making the day feel birthdayish. And I don't think your 8th birthday is any time to learn that life can be disappointing and dull.

@HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone
I think I must be reading a different thread the OP did this, and brought her daughter what she asked for? How can they possibly be inappropriate gifts if they are the ones her child asked for?
No, the daughter didn't suggest anything but the slime and wasn't sure about other toys. I don't believe she asked for tickets to the show or shoes and clothes unless I've missed something....

Reading back the thread though it seems that the DD did say thank you without prompting, but needed encouragement from her father to give her mother a hug. I think this is further evidence she didn't act ungratefully.

@Eliza9917

Yes, some people have to buy clothes and shoes for birthdays/christmas due to financial constraints, and thats shit. But you can;'t expect the children to be massively excited and grateful for getting something that they need anyway, that parents are expected to provide for their children. You feel excited when something is exciting. If you want a child to ahve an exciting/special birthday, you should try and focus the day on what they like (within budget constraints), rather than using it as a day to fulfil your obligations to them.
I.e. spend a tenner on crap they want and buy a cheap cake and have all their friends round, rather than buying them a PE kit, a pencil case and taking them to the dentist for £100

Why should children be expected to fake happiness and excitement for the parents benefit? As an adult I hate this expectatio

Then you need to learn to read.

Apologies I read it as her father had to give her a nudge to say thank you. I shall remember to put my glasses on next time.

I appreciate that its her daughters right to not be excited but this thread explaining how shit her child's birthday sounds and how horrid her presents were is going to do nothing but make the OP miserable and risk going into debt.

It is sad that some parents cannot buy their children millions of bits of plastic tat and instead have to buy clothes and other necessities due to lack of money. However I wish people would stop and think before posting. Most of the posts on this thread have done nothing but belittle the OP for providing her daughter with a shit day when she has done nothing wrong.

Op don't worry and don't dash out to buy gifts to make her, and you feel better.

Did the subscription come with something she could unwrap there and then, eg magazine subscription with an edition arriving in time for her birthday or will she have to wait a while for the first one?

It might just be she's starting to learn that as you get older, sometimes you do have to wait for the really exciting stuff (theatre trip) and she will be as excited for that on the day as she was the night before her birthday. She might not have realised how far away from her birthday her actual treat was.

Did she choose the clothes/shoes herself and therefore it wasn't really the surprise she had built up in her mind.

8/9/10 I found was kind of a transition time. Not quite wanting to give up toys but wanting to be seen as more grown up too.