To ask if you've ever had an awful one night stand?

[greycrisscross]

So on the weekend, a good friend persuaded me to go out which I haven't done in a LONG time. We got very very drunk! she's a bit of a party animal (terrible influence but sure does know how to have a good time)
Anyway I woke up next to the most annoying man ive ever met in my whole life. He was basically professing his love to me and also telling me all about his ex he'd recently split with. It was awful especially combined with a banging hangover. My friend was laughing her head off as I text her whilst I was in the bathroom "PLEASE GET HIM TO LEAVE" it was mortifying!!! Trying to see the funny side of it still and asking have you ever had a really bad one night stand?

John, I don’t doubt that men have just as many tales to tell of bad/weird/underwhelming sex from ONS.

I’m just saying that I didn’t believe a word of it, is all. Call it my black, cynical heart, if you like...

Oh my god I'm so glad I posted this! Your stories are amazing guys (no not for an article! Just a woman desperately wanting to not feel so bad about an awful one night stand)

I had one a few years ago where the guy made me read a book he was working on. It was honestly hundreds of pages long, shit, and I was horrifically hungover. I just wanted him to call a taxi. What a nightmare. Someone should definitely compile a book about people's terrible ONS I reckon 

Just remembered that I brought one guy back and we had a nice cup of tea & watched inspector morse before getting down to business.

My flatmate had a tinder date and meh-sex ONS with a guy who works at our local station. We live opposite our local station and commute by train (she started commuting about 2 months later and he worked on the ticket gate). He was very friendly and a bit of a character. She was SO relieved when he left!

Could've been worse crisscross, he could have made you read his poetry.

I planned a ONS with DP but we didn't go through with it at the time. Instead ended up dating. Now got a DD and he asked me to marry him last week!

I've had a few ONSs in my time - when I split with my long term ex I went on a bit of a lonely bender and had quite a few NSA "trysts" using well known apps etc so I have some great stories.

There was the guy who I think was he most beautiful man I have ever known. Absolutely gorgeous. He was an amateur bodybuilder and had the chiselled good looks to go with it. Unfortunately what I didn't know about bodybuilding is that the pills and supplements they take can lead to a few bedroom problems. After some
Drinks we got back to mine and down to it, but about 30 seconds after inserting it he went limp and struggled to carry on. Never been so disappointed

Then there was the welsh miner. Lovely guy but so so aggressive in bed. He was trying to bend me in ways I just couldn't go and every single pump felt like he was slamming as hard as he could. I had to ask him to stop in the end as I was quite sore. We got into bed and did a little cuddling - at which point he decided to tell me that he was a massive trade unionist and hated the fact that I worked in finance in the city.

There was a guy who worked with my friends. I met him at a party one of the friends held and ended up going back to his. Literally had the biggest, girthiest penis I have ever seen. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it. But he couldn't get it up because he'd had so much to drink. After we'd slept I was hoping for a second go in the morning. Unfortunately that didn't happen for two reasons - 1. He woke me up by playing "sex on fire" by the kings of Leon on absolute full blast from a Bluetooth speaker and 2. I went to his bathroom and it was absolutely foul - like it hadn't been cleaned or even dusted in months. I just couldn't after that.

How were they awful John? Aren't you going to describe her 'panties' too? 

One was my fault entirely, fancied a guy at work for years, agreed to meet for drinks when we were no longer colleagues. Drank a shed load, went back to his place, I had to stop half way through to throw up, but he was happy to carry on afterwards. Then dropped my pot of brand new glitter eye shadow on his freshly tiled bathroom floor. Only then did it come out that he actually had a girlfriend who was out of town. I was happy to walk out and leave him to tidy that mess up.

Another was an absolute disaster, met a guy who just gorgeous, just my type and we had loads in common and had been flirting all night, went back to his where he pranced about naked in front of his full length mirrors waving his willy about (cringe) and then couldn't get it up, we gave up after an hour and I snuck out in the middle of the night. He did try calling me a few times after that, but I'm afraid to say I just ignored him.

The gorgeous young man who farted in my face, several times, one after the other, whilst getting it on...

I made up an excuse and left.

@LavendarGreen

I assume you have got the wrong poster with your comments last night (21:29)????? There is absolutely nothing funny about Bimgy85's post yesterday 21:26

Cringing just writing this...

Went on a date to a local bar with a guy I met on tinder - he was a police officer (he definitely was, I vaguely recognised him as a friend of a friend) figured I should be on my best behaviour...

Yeah so I got so blind drunk I threw up in the street 😳😳😂 he was very gentlemanly and made sure I got home (before 11pm) safely, but then text me an hour later asking if I was ready for him now 😂😂 he came over and I had the worst drunk sex of my life

I'd hope he's a bit more careful these days given his profession 🙈🙈

One that came in about 30 seconds and then started punching the mattress in frustration. Surely I should have been the frustrated one? 

One with a lad I used to go to school with and used to hate (also my now DPs arch enemy and he lived 2 doors down from him). He properly turned on the charm and I fell for it. Went back to his and the sex was very average. But in the morning I realised I must have come on my period cos I'd bled all over the bed sheets. Couldn't even hide it cos it was his bed  he still drove me home but didn't say a word and we never spoke again.

One where I'd got blind drunk with 2 friends and I met this guy who I thought was the most beautiful man in the world. He was Irish and I'm a sucker for an Irish accent. My friends kept telling me he wasn't hot at all but I wouldn't listen and went back to his hotel and whilst he was giving me oral he flipped me over and kept licking my bum hole 😷 I know some people are into that but it was not pleasant. The next morning I realised my friends were right all along he was a right munter and about 20 years old than me.

One with another lad I used to go to school with who was very beautiful but never even thought he was into me, but he kept going floppy and weirdly wouldn't have sex with me on his bed and made me do it on the floor. I thought that maybe he didn't want cum on the sheets but there was fat chance of that happening anyway 🙄. There was a picture of his cousin who had died on the wall and he started crying when telling me about him. Very awkward. Then the next morning as I was waiting for a taxi to leave his mom came home, even more awkward.

My first time with DP was pretty bad too, was after a drunken night and if I hadn't have been so into him forever it probably would have been a ONS. We did it in his nans bed and he had to stop cos he thought he was going to have a heart attack and then passed out on top of me 😂 we laugh about it now 10 years later.

One morning I woke up next to a chap who’d happily thrown his jeans off into a bucketful of disinfectant my housemates had been washing the floors with the evening before. He had to do the walk of shame in soaking wet, pine-smelling jeans. He called me several times afterwards laughing about it, wanting to go on a proper date but I was too embarrassed to see him again

Micro penis (and no he didn't even attempt to do anything else) and 1 that cried after as he had lied when he said he was single and now he 'felt bad'

Possibly too many to name -

First night of uni and I ended up blind drunk in the room of a guy I met through the freshers group forum. He was at least 9 years older than me and he knew I wasn't legal yet (I was still 16, just turning 17). The sex was actually pretty great but I passes out afterwards, naked, on his bed. His friend came in to see him and there i was in my birthday suit glory. He was down the hall drinking. He did walk me back to my room the next morning.
I had to see him every single day.

Car sex with a manager at work. It wasn't great and didn't do anything for me. Again I had to see him every day.

A random lad on holiday. My friend was in the next room with his friend, my other friend on the balcony with another one of his friends. The sex was okay but the constant noises from either side were off putting and tragic.

Another ons, we went back to what I presumed was his house. The sex was okay but I came on my period during it. I found out in the morning that it was his grandparents house and they heard the whole bloody thing. She made me a roll and square though. I got blood all over the bed. It was awful.
The worst part was a few weeks later when he told me he had chlamydia and it was my fault. I was clean, I checked!

Another almost one. I was a waitress, he was a comedian in a comedy club, about 20 years older than me. I was really pissed, thought I fancied him. Went back to his. It was obviously a family home. I changed my mind and declined his offer of sex but still got in his bed as so drunk and far from home. He read Fever Pitch to me. Said his wife was away and sorry.
In the morning he called me a taxi and just before it came, the cleaner walked in. He muttered something about me being a family friend, but i reckon he was rumbled.

Aged 19, I had recently been in hospital after a mental health crisis and suicide attempt. My boundaries with men had never been good- either avoiding them or having meaningless sex because I thought that is what they wanted. Well, s tsxi drier was taking me home alone (stupid mistake, I know) and he told me he wanted to sleep with him. I was tired and feeling nervous of people generally, and wanted him to go away, but he was like "no, I really like you" so I thought he would just shut up and go away if I let him come upstairs with me.
I made it clear I did not want actual sex but he said "Let me just put it near you- I won't put it inside." I let him fumble with me, hoping it would end soon, as I was not in the mood and I did not even know him. He told me "you are shaking- why?" I don't remmeber shaking, I guess I was nervous- I was not massively experienced with consensual sex (just had one partner). I then began to panic that maybe I could still get pregnant, but he told me "I didn't put it in, only near your minge!"

Ended up getting morning after pill just to ne on safe side. a few weeks later, I ordered a taxi, and driver turned out to be him! he asked me how I was. I said nothing about the MAP, but I felt annoyed tbh. I know it was my fault, but his casual attitude annoyed me- women are so much more vulnerable due to pregnancy risk.

I tend to give men and sex a wide berth now! Happily single :) I was never mad keen on blokes anyway tbh- but everyone else my age was quite into it and I did not want to be left out.

I was in my late 20s at a festival. I was quite drunk and went to find the portaloos. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning in a tent with a plump, nerdy boy who looked about 17 or 18 and was still at school :( Apparently we had had sex. Still no idea how that happened. He was very keen to stay in touch. V embarrassing.

Yes absolutely! Many, many years ago! I had one where he couldn't get hard he was that drunk! He tried putting it in my arse and that didn't work  then he decided to go down on me but it was a complete and utter waste of time, he had no idea what he was doing so I just left him there and got a taxi home.... Jesus Almighty it makes me cringe thinking about it! Thank God I haven't bumped into him since!

@Bimgy85

• I relate to what you say about not having a sexuality- I don't think I evr have had one. I was sexually assaulted as a child, several times, but never rape or anything really serious, but I had some other forms of abuse that were serious and some emotional ill health. I ended up becoming a wild child in my late teens- gone from a very shy, fat bullied girl into someone who tried to have sex in order to be liked or "Because, being a fatty, I thought I never was going to get far with men, even if I had been interested and for some reason I did not want to remain a virgin" kind of thing, also I had that sense of not knowing who I was- emotionally unstable, unstable sense of identity, kind of thing. I acted like a flirty good time girl but deep inside was always a bit shy with men and scared of any kind of commitment or intimacy. Now I am the avoided, paranoid, introverted type, who fels very afraid of any kind of heavy commitment relationship, male or female. I am the happy cat lady type, I suppose, except guinea pigs instead of cats.

Sadly yes. Colleague of mine on night out to celebrate the end of a project. He worked in another city and was going back. Both very drunk. He asked me back to hotel. I went where be suddenly became over interested in my boobs, to a weird extent. Turns out he had a tiny penis, couldn't keep it hard and didn't understand the importance of foreplay. He was a very boring. I fell asleep and left early. Saw him the next day and it wasn't good. He thought he was amazing😁.

I've had a few who have been full of promise but rubbish in the end. Some have been great!

I'm old and married now so the dating world is longer my playground.

Quite a few when I was younger - I look back on that period of my life and cringe!

The worst one was with an acquaintance who is actually a really nice guy but I have never felt attracted to him. Lots of us were at a festival together and we got so drunk and then I ended up in his tent but suddenly sobered up and thought wtf am I doing?! He was so into it that I didn't feel I could ask him to stop so I went along with it the whole time thinking hurry up! Then to top it off the condom split, I got the map as soon as we got back but it was worrying as obviously the sooner you take it the more effective it is and it was nearly 2 whole days later that I could get to a pharmacy. He text me a lot afterwards and I ghosted him, still feel bad about that as he was a lovely guy but just did nothing for me in that way.

I had been chatting to a guy for a few weeks and went to spend the night with him in his house. That he lived in with his mum. Who was home.

We have very quiet sex with him alternating between whispering I love you and Dirty Bitch.

The next morning I sat and made small talk with his mum.

I declined to see him again.

Yes. He was much older than me, and not particularly good looking but not horrific either. Just if I was sober I’d have had a chat and walked away kind 😂

We met and had a few drinks and went to some clubs. Where i saw my brothers friend who I should have gone home with so that was pretty awkward.

Drunkenly go back to his in the lashing rain and I’m soaked ans look like some kind of rabid badger I can only imagine. He starts trying to get down to it on a couch , which was cracked beige leather and I just couldn’t , i insisted we went upstairs (all this time his dog is watching ans keeps jumping on the couch next to us)
He said his beds too creeky and...... it’ll wake his dad 🤦🏻‍♀️
Anyway we end up in the bed anyway and start going down to it . He puts it in and I barely feel a thing. It was the skinniest penis I’ve ever seen . Imagine those long thin sausages you can get. So I faked it and it took f o r e v e r for him to finish. He rolled us a cig and went to sleep and I tried to creep out couldn’t find my shorts and he woke up. Told him I was going to the bathroom, the dog then barks at me, wakes his dad who comes out of his room and bumps into me in his vest and boxers, I’m in knickers and my top . I dive back into bad and cringe all night till 9am with the hangover from hell I ask to leave , say bye to his dad. HE COMES WITH ME ON THE BUS and I force conversation for 20 minutes then another 10 whole I’m waiting for my bus home. Trying not to vom or think about chipolata sausages or old men in vests.

Depart. He texts me a few times then asks me if I have a date for new year (3 months after this love story took place)
I ignored him, and spent new year with dick less friends.
The end