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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

273 replies

AliceRR · 16/10/2018 18:57

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

OP posts:
poglets · 16/10/2018 19:00

Oh don't make this hard work for yourself. You've not seen each other since last March. You're not in close contact but she is your oldest friend. Just drop her a text with the news. The rest is up to her. Manage your expectations and enjoy your pregnancy.

Tisthedev · 16/10/2018 19:00

If I was your friend I would be really hurt if you didn't tell me.

Just text something like "I was going to tell you when I saw you but we're so busy I'm sure when that will be...".

maskingtape · 16/10/2018 19:02

Seems like you're trying to make a point. If you don't get to see her you'll withhold your news. Seems a bit daft. Just tell her.

Redgreencoverplant · 16/10/2018 19:05

Tell her. Slightly different as it is the person I thought was my best friend but I have just found out she got engaged in the summer and has booked the wedding etc without mentioning it to me. She wanted to wait to see me. It has massively damaged a best friendship of 20 years.

Greyponcho · 16/10/2018 19:06

Maybe she’s going through a load of shit at the moment, and that she really needs a friend to ask her how she’s doing?
Text her, you’ve nothing to lose by doing so!

NerrSnerr · 16/10/2018 19:08

I'd just tell her. I sometimes go ages without seeing old friends but we're all busy and it doesn't change anything.

TheOneWith · 16/10/2018 19:08

I kind of get the point you’re trying to make, and why.

But ultimately you’ll make yourself look like a dick.

Just text her and tell her now.

Haggisfish · 16/10/2018 19:08

Good lord, could not be arsed with you as a friend! Just text her and tell her. Maybe she has guessed but is having trouble conceiving herself? Maybe she is just very busy.

GreenDinosaur · 16/10/2018 19:09

Not that big a deal, if you don't catch up, just sign your Xmas card from OP, partner & bump! She will get the message and probably give you a ring.

Original poster
AliceRR · 16/10/2018 19:21

I don’t mean to “make a point” but have just preferred to tell people in person. As a result there are a few friends who don’t know but I don’t consider them as close as her which is why it’s an issue.

I thought some of you would say she obviously can’t be arsed with me so don’t worry about it 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 16/10/2018 19:26

@GreenDinosaur I thought that!

OP posts:
Mookatron · 16/10/2018 19:30

She will be hurt if you don't tell her.

If you don't want her to feel hurt, drop her a line. If you don't care either way, well, the friendship's over (or you're playing games - and the friendship's probably over).

Cornettoninja · 16/10/2018 19:31

Friendships wax and wane, more so during big events like moving house, having babies, important career points. If it’s a friendship you value and would like to keep then don’t overthink it.

Yes it’s nice to tell people you’re pregnant in person but it’s actually a bit odd not to mention it if your having fairly regular contact.

I think it’s bothering you more than you perhaps realise but in her defence she has no idea what’s going on and it’s slightly unfair to back off from a friendship when the other party has no clue about the facts. Perhaps she’s rushed with life being life at the moment but if she knew you were pregnant would push harder to be able to meet up with you before the baby.

Fatasfook · 16/10/2018 19:34

Blimey, a text is an acceptable way to tell your friend about a pregnancy. Stop being so dramatic!

lostfrequencies · 16/10/2018 19:35

Agree this is a bit OTT. Just text or call her.

Original poster
AliceRR · 16/10/2018 19:36

@Mookatron I do care but feel like she doesn’t care enough to even text so why should I compromise on wanting to tell my news in person, if that makes sense.

@Cornettoninja We are not having regular contact though, that’s the point, and if you look back at our texts over the last few months it’s clear I’m the one who has initiated contact and made the effort. We all have stuff on but she hasn’t even texted me in a month even though I texted her and asked how things are going.

I’d be more inclined to text her again and ask if she fancies a catch up and if she doesn’t then just leave it.

OP posts:
Shoobydooby09 · 16/10/2018 19:39

Just send her a text something along the lines of " I have some exciting news that I would really liked to have told you in person but as we're struggling to meet up I am just letting you know I am pregnant due xxx hope we can meet up soon "
It doesn't have to be difficult and it's not worth feeling like you have to tell her in person. Most of my oldest friends get told special news via text we can't always meet up as often as we'd like too. She will be more hurt that you don't tell her rather than her being told in a text message.

TheChatsPyjamas · 16/10/2018 19:42

Is there any chance she’s struggling to conceive / wants a baby but isn’t the right time? She might have guessed your news but doesn’t want to hear it right now xx

Original poster
AliceRR · 16/10/2018 19:46

@TheChatsPyjamas in which case am I best not telling her? Like you say I feel she may have guessed my news hence it’s slightly more weird for me she has not been in touch.

She said she wants a child and that they plan to have one once in the new house which I don’t think has happened yet so I would say it’s unlikely they are TTC yet

OP posts:
bubblybrit · 16/10/2018 19:48

I wanted to let my close friends know face to face but it didn’t end up that way. We are all busy and trying to meet up was becoming a nightmare. Ended up texting my scan picture to introduce baby X (x being my surname).

My friends responded really well and were just delighted that I had good news to share.

Sure your friend will be the same if she really is a friend!

Mookatron · 16/10/2018 19:48

It's up to you then isn't it. Obviously you can do what you want, but you should not be surprised if she considers the friendship over if you don't tell her this big life news. Honestly it sounds like you consider it over, which is of course fine, but if you don't I would reconsider.

TheChatsPyjamas · 16/10/2018 19:50

I think people who struggle to hear news of pregnancy often like to be told my text or email so they can have a good cry before saying congratulations. Obviously it may be nothing like that and she’s just busy! Either way I think you’ll feel better if you just tell her.

puzzledlady · 16/10/2018 19:56

Really?! Goodness OP - why are you making this such a OTT thing? Its great news and surely your friend will just be happy for you - i think if you tell her now it'll look quite strange because you have had all his time to tell her, but you haven't, and then suddenly you tell her - i myself would question why you took so long to tell me and would possibly deem that you dont really value the friendship enough to share such good news. Your being too dramatic.

Kintan · 16/10/2018 20:02

Just text her and tell her! You’ll irreparably damage you friendship if you don’t tell her. I could (just) understand your reasoning if she was a sometimes acquaintance- but you’ve said she is your oldest friend. She’s probably guessed your news by your ‘hints’ and if she is now avoiding you, I’ll bet she is having trouble conceiving and is in self preservation mode.

KC225 · 16/10/2018 20:13

A text like. 'I'm up the duff. By the time we meet up it'll be the kid's 18th. Soooo obviously, not drinking, but boy am I eating? Name a date'

No need for all the smoke and mirrors, unless you are sniffing the nappysan already.

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