To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

[AliceRR]

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

AliceRR Thu 18-Oct-18 09:48:20
Eliza you need to do one now unless you have something helpful. You are being a nuisance.

maybe this is how she feels about you with all your 'OH I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING NEWS THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY TELL YOU UNTIL YOU PAY ME SOME ATTENTION' tbh.

I agree they are most likely having issues ttc - its been obvious since you stated she deflected the ttc question by waiting because of the house move - and you need to be sensitive of that and just text the poor woman.

AliceRR Thu 18-Oct-18 09:48:20
Eliza you need to do one now unless you have something helpful. You are being a nuisance.

maybe this is how she feels about you with all your 'OH I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING NEWS THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY TELL YOU UNTIL YOU PAY ME SOME ATTENTION' tbh.

I agree they are most likely having issues ttc - its been obvious since you stated she deflected the ttc question by waiting because of the house move - and you need to be sensitive of that and just text the poor woman.

The OP has texted her hasn't she?

No one has told her (I believe). She lives close but we don’t have mutual friends that we both see these days.

I get the difficulty conceiving thing. BTW I didn’t ask her about babies that day. We were both talking about it. I wouldn’t ask outright as I wouldn’t like it if someone asked me and only said in passing it would be nice if we had babies at the same time but honestly didn’t expect I’d be expecting shortly after!

If she doesn’t want to hear I’m pregnant then she won’t as I won’t be making continued attempts to get in touch. She may have guessed from my texts. It’s not a huge leap.

I do care about her and am concerned slightly but I’m not overly concerned as I really believe nothing is probably wrong.

Anyway I have texted her now so that’s sort of the end of the matter. If she ignores me, fine, I’ll leave her to speak to me in her own time. If she speaks to me I’ll follow her lead. If she needs me and contacts me at any time I’m here.

I wasn’t trying to go out of my way to tell her I’m pregnant or make a big deal. I just thought I’d have seen her by now. I am far from those who announce to all and sundry they are expecting. I think that has been misunderstood. It’s just the way it has been done in my family. I remember when my mum was havifn my brother (I was 11) she didn’t announce it as such and people were shocked when they saw her with a pram. It’s not the done thing in my family to text people and say it.

I think some of you miss the point and don’t realise everyone is different. The fact I’m not texting people doesn’t mean I want a fanfare. It’s actually a personal thing for me. It’s just that I’m increasingly aware I have seen this friend and she doesn’t seem to be getting in touch.

@GreatDuckCookery Yes I have texted and no she hasn’t replied! That’s fine. I mean I don’t expect an immediate response it I think I’ve done enough for now.

I think if you've texted to tell her you're pregnant and she hasn't replied quickly with a suitably enthusiastic response, then she is probably struggling to process the news given her own situation. I would try and have a bit of empathy for what she may be going through.

Alice it not "that she doesn't want to hear that you are pregnant" its that she may not want to hear face to face. The problem with face to face is the excited, happy "I've got the best news ever" person sees the look of hurt that crosses your face or the tears that come into your eyes. They think "but why isn't she happy for me?" and the thing is you are happy for them but it doesn't stop it being a knife through the heart if you really want happy news but only get disappointment month after month. You say you have sent her a text but I gather you still haven't told her? Just because previous generations didn't (because you know it wasn't possible) doesn't mean you can't do it.

@GreatDuckCookery Thu 18-Oct-18 10:41:54
The OP has texted her hasn't she?

Not telling her she's pg, as I understand it.

AliceRR Thu 18-Oct-18 10:54:28 If she doesn’t want to hear I’m pregnant then she won’t as I won’t be making continued attempts to get in touch.

Seems not.

I don't understand why you don't just text her something like this:

Just wanted to let you know we're expecting, did hope to tell you in person but a meet hasn't been convenient. We haven't spoken much recently so I hope all is well with you and if you need me I'm here for you with whatever's going on for you atm, Love Alice.

Then leave her to it. Job done.

I am trying to have empathy but I am not a mind reader... 🙄 I care about my friend but there isn’t much I can do if she doesn’t even send me a text message. I have no idea what’s going on. For all I know she’s sunning herself in the Maldives 😂 Similarly she may have guessed my news but she may not. For all she know I may be going something less positive. I have reached out and being ignored. The last message I sent (before last night) was about selling our houses not about my news or babies.

@GrumbleBumble I get that. It’s not about that any more. I don’t feel the need to tell her in person but I do need some sign she hasn’t checked out of our friendship before I make any attempts to contact her again. If she doesn’t contact me and our friendship is over then so be it. As I’ve said above I am not a mind reader and if she needs me I’m here but can’t do a lot if she won’t even send me a text or call me.

I really believe nothing is probably wrong
See if it was my friend who I'd known since I was 5 the probably would be. Enough reason to check. Now your lady message may well have been similar to Eliza's suggestion so I'm not having a go but it seems like you're too busy onn the well if she won't see me she doesn't care so I don't care so I won't see her to miss the fact that there is likely something wrong if she's suddenly stopped replying to texts.

I get the difficulty conceiving thing do you? Sounds like it happened quicker for you than expected as tou say you didn't imagine you'd be pregnant so soon after that last chat and you don't mention other kids so I wonder if you actually get it or if you think you can imagine what it's like. Maybe there's a back story of your infertility that you don't want to mention which is fine, I'm just wondering if you do actually have any idea what she might be going through given you think she just defrosted his sample, pops it up there and gets pregnant

Alice but she may have "checked out" because she can't face meeting up to hear the news in person. If you tell her by text she can then put on her big girl pants and face up to it (once she has lain on the floor sobbing her broken heart out for three hours) or decide its too hard for her right now. But if she has guessed what you news is and can't face it being said to her face to face she won't respond to your hints because she will be trying to put off the big face to face reveal. What does it matter if you tell her by text? If you tell her and never hear from her again for the rest of your life what harm will it do? Why does it matter? I told almost everyone but phone/text/email/ note in Christmas card as all of our family and many of our friends don't live near us. It doesn't mean any less it just means I wanted them to know and wouldn't be seeing them in the near future.

OP you've done your best and she hasn't responded. Put it behind you now and enjoy the ready of your pregnancy. Hope all goes well.

@GrumbleBumble I don’t midn telling her you text now. I just don’t want to text her again at all unless I hear from her in some way since I texted her again last night!! It’s quite clear from our test history that it’s been a one way conversation for the last couple of months

@SleepingStandingUp The Point is she could be having difficulty conceiving. She may be suffering some other kind of trauma. She could just be busy with her house or sunning herself abroad or simply not value my friendship enough to text me.

After all this and after texting her again and feeling I’m “chasing” her it’s not even about telling her my news any more. It’s abojr whether we’re friends. I’ve reached out, not just to tell her what’s going on in my life, but to ask about hers and invite her to what’s. If she doesn’t want to do that i don’t think I’m massivelu insensitive for not - WHAT? - pregnancy aside what should I be doing for this friend who could be going through the best or worst time of her life when I know nothing of it?

Like I’ve said, I’ve texted her and I’ll either get a response or not. If I do I’ll tell her im pregnant. I don’t even feel bothered about telling her in person at this point. I’m exhausted from repeating myself and explaining and just trying to work out what this person doesn’t want to speak to me. It’s actually not nice to just ignore someone/

FFS just text her and stop being such a fanny about it.

@Ilangenith I agree. I’m happy. I am there for my friend if she needs me but won’t be chasing her any more. Thank you

FUCKING HELL

Just fucking text her WITH THE ACTUAL NEWS not fuck about with general chit chat and passive aggressive lets meet up rubbish..

Maybe she is pregnant herself.

So you didn't text last night with your news?

My guess is, she doesn’t want to hear it face to face and you’re now STILL asking her to meet up. She probably feels a bit cornered. Just tell her you’re pregnant by text and stop hounding her for a meet up she doesn’t want. Yeesh.

@GreatDuckCookery no I think it was just a general how are you message. OP is waiting to see if she gets a response to that before telling her the news.

Thanks snow

I wonder if she's seen this thread 🧐

Like I’ve said, I’ve texted her and I’ll either get a response or not. If I do I’ll tell her im pregnant. I don’t even feel bothered about telling her in person at this point. I’m exhausted from repeating myself and explaining and just trying to work out what this person doesn’t want to speak to me. It’s actually not nice to just ignore someone/

You are still carrying on with the 'I'll only tell you my news if you pander to me' bullshit. JUST BLOODY TELL HER IN A TEXT MESSAGE FFS.

I'm sure if you tell her, she'll cry, get past it and then start responding to you in a week or two.

Why can't you see the actual issue here?