To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

[AliceRR]

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

I bet she already knows. You keep dancing round the fact that you have something important to tell her. Weird though that she’s not pushed to meet up - maybe it’s not news she wants to hear. Is she trying to conceive?

Oh ffs just text her! It might be massive news to you but to everyone else it’s going to be very much, that’s great for you congratulations but certainly nothing that can’t be said over text. Tbh if I was an old friend you had been texting and done a big, I have something to tell you... but not going to.... I’d have guessed you were up duffed and think you wiere behaving like an idiot.

@HandlebarTash81 No I don’t think so. I only mentioned once I had stuff to tell her. We discussed earlier this year having babies and I even joked that we should try to have babies at the same time! She said she wanted to get the new house first. As of August she hadn’t found a house so it’s unlikely she has moved into new house and TTC yet but there are medical issues which mean they can’t do things entirely naturally. He has sperm frozen. I don’t know if that could mean things are more difficult or not but I assumed not and actually it might just be a case of deciding and then being inseminated(?) but I honestly don’t know. I didn’t mention above as thought it’s a bit personal to them but may be it is relevant? I really don’t want to be insensitive.

Meh. I’d text her. I never get why people like doing this in person. I texted everyone bad family when we were expecting dc1. WhatsApp for dc2, because things had moved on by then!

She’ll either be thrilled for you, in which case, why not just tell her ASAP instead of fucking about with “the big reveal” in person? Or possibly she’ll be upset if she’s having fertility issues or something, in which case it’s good you’ve texted so she can get upset in private without having to put on a brave face. Either way a text is the best option.

When people go on about having to reveal their amazing news in person, I always think, “do you”? Maybe I’m just dead inside . I love hearing lovely news from friends but I don’t have to hear it in person.

Everyone bar family

It’s basialy weird to me to text someone to say something that is big (to me!) when it seems like she’s not even reading them but I give up and have texted her!!

I do see where you’re coming from. It’s much nicer to do it in person. I would think that since she knows you have some news, she’ll know what it is.

Yeah, I can actually see what you mean when you say it’s a bit odd to be texting her big (to you) news when she’s not been responding to your other texts. But I actually don’t think she will bat an eyelid.

I think one of my friends planned to tell me about her pregnancy in person but someone else let slip before I got to speak to her and she was all miffed. I just thought “why didn’t you just tell me on the phone”? Meh. She told me by WhatsApp with her dc2 actually. Had given up on the yelling in person thing by then I guess!

I hope you hear back from your friend though.

Congratulations btw!

Telling in person*

Bloody autocorrect

@Stonebake Well yes. I had a friend at work find out before I told her, not sure who from, but I had just wanted to wait til 12 week scan before telling her (but people in my real knew before then, more by accident than design)... Thank you!

And to add, my family all heard about both dcs by phone or text. I don’t think I told anyone other than dh, colleagues and the gp in person. Dead inside. Definitely .

@stonebake I meant people in my team 🙄

You what did you text her op? Dear d you just send general small talk or did you tell her your BIG NEWS?

Fucksake bloody auto correct. *What did you text her
*Did

I would assume she has guessed and for whatever reason, doesn't feel the need to hear it in person.
She may have had bad news about her or her partner's fertility, she may have had a miscarriage, or any other number of things. Id save yourself the angst and just text her.

Ok so you've known her since you were 5 but it's only the last six months you've had problems with her not really responding? This seems like it's out of character then, and might mean something is going on (even with her own life or she is trying to distance herself from you, for whatever reason).

I know you've sent how are you texts but regardless of the pregnancy, have you tried a more direct concern message or phone call? Try to get to the bottom of why she has become a bit distant? Because that is actually the root cause of your problem. If she still distances/ghosts you then yeah, I'd say don't bother texting her. But if you want to find out what's going on with the friendship then I think you need to be more direct now.

AliceRR I totally get your situation. Probably because I'm going through this at the moment. I think to myself... do I want to put myself out, try harder, keep in contact with someone who possibly doesn't want to be in touch with me? And you have special news and just wanted to tell your oldest friend face to face, that's normal.

My situation is with a friend I've known over 50 years! Even today I left an ansaphone message first thing this morning saying I was looking forward to a catch up and how was she etc... no, she hasn't rung back. I won't bore you with my story but looking back, over the last year or so, it is always me that instigates contact and I'm just not getting anywhere. And yes I've got news too! (nothing as exciting as yours AliceRR!, but exciting to me!) And I refuse to text my news, if she isn't interested enough to return calls or whatever, I can't be arsed.

So basically, I don't blame you for feeling like this, I totally get it.

@HelloSnow Well I think she can be a bit on and off at times. You know how some people generally reply to messages within a couple of days and then others often take weeks and then you get “sorry for the late reply...” She can be a bit of both. I do feel I’ve been the one to initiate over the years and there was a period where we weren’t speaking for about a year as we had a silly falling out over text about where to meet up and then I was the one to initiate contact again after that. It must have been a while ago as we were back in contact when I got engaged and married so we have been speaking again for 3-4 years but I cannot help but think of that and how I was the one to make the effort. I don’t mind waiting around if she’s busy, I understand my baby isn’t the most important thing in the world to her, I understand she might have other things going on, but to just ignore me isn’t really good enough (unless something major is going on and of course I’ll let out aside my feelings if that is the case). I’ll see if I can s response to my text from last night. I don’t want to fall out but I am at a stage in life where I can’t be bothered making an effort with people who don’t make an effort for me (family and friends).

I haven’t called her as we tend to text and then meet up and not really talk on the phone but I have texted her a few times now with barely a reply so I don’t feel like chasing her any more. I expect she may reply now so we’ll see.

@Rousette I’m glad you get it but sorry that you are going through something similar. I hope your friend will get in touch. Sometimes it does seem that is more attentive friends are taking for granted! It is frustrating.

The point is with any news obviously if it’s our news then it’s a big deal to us whether it’s a baby or a wedding or a new house or a promotion or just a great date! Your friends should be interested in what is going on with your life. She is an interested and attentive friend when she is around.

As I mentioned above I am beginning to reevaluate how much time I will take to put myself out for people at the moment. Not just her but family who complain I don’t go over to see them but who have been to my house once in two years for example! Apparently they are “busy” so I should go see them. My auntie even said “I have four kids at home”. The youngest is nearly 30! It makes me laugh. Sometimes it seems everyone thinks their time is more important than everyone else’s or their busier than everyone else...

Hi, I ‘know’ you from the antenatal thread :)
I’m in a sort of similar situation but for different reasons. I don’t know why but I feel really awkward messaging people out of the blue to say ‘so... I’m pregnant’ or similar. But I’m not that keen on FB announcements either’
So I’ve just been telling people as and when I speak to them - doesn’t have to be face to face for me but it’s been always on the back of a another conversation iyswim.
Everyone important to me now knows apart from my friends from school. We are in a group fb chat but rarely talk. We usually meet up on Christmas Eve but I’m usually working and can’t go. This year I can but I’m already 23 weeks - I feel like I need to tell them fairly soon as it will get awkward!!
Not adding much I know, but really just wanted to say I do understand you feeling strange about it and I don’t think you’re necessarily being OTT.

OP AIBU.......?
99% of posters say YABU
OP Well I don't think IABU

When your baby arrives you will need to start behaving like an adult. Now might be a good time to grow up and get over yourself.

Hi @FrowningFlamingo 👋 Sounds very similar. I’ve just been telling people as and when I see them too really, not “announcing” it and definitely not into Facebook announcements myself.

I only told one person by text and that was because she is pregnant too and she texted to tell me and it seemed weird to not tell her I was too IYKWIM...

With this friend it’s more weird as she’s not really answering my texts as it is although she might reply since I text her again last night!

I’m 23 weeks too and we’ll be in the third trimester soon so feel like letting people know before then, maybe even the couple of less close friends I have who I don’t see or text as much

Similar to flamingo really, we told the important people as soon as we’d had our scan. It was by phone because we weren’t going to see them in person for a while, so just told them when we spoke to them. I told my boss next and then colleagues and sent texts to good friends. Then I just told people as and when it came up.

I think some people like to do a big reveal and it’s nice they want to do that. But I personally think it’s a minefield. For all the joy you might have telling people in person and seeing their reactions face to face, there’s a pretty good chance you also won’t get the lovely, joyful reaction you’re anticipating. Some people will see it as attention seeking and others might have their own valid reasons for not feeling able to celebrate immediately when a friend tells them they’re pregnant. Why risk it? That’s my take on it anyway. I’ve never had anyone do a big reveal of their pregnancy like this to me. I think it must be specific to certain circles.

Oh hang on my brother and exsil did actually and it was awkward as fuck, as you could tell my parents clearly thought it wasn’t a good idea - stunned silence followed by hugely awkward forced “yay”s. They were right sadly. My brother has been a total wanker to his family. That’s why sil is now exsil... but that’s a whole thread on its own!

AliceRR Thu 18-Oct-18 09:02:56
I’m 23 weeks too and we’ll be in the third trimester soon so feel like letting people know before then, maybe even the couple of less close friends I have who I don’t see or text as much

Why do you think they even need or want to know? You don't need to tell every last acquaintance you've ever met.

OP, with all due respect I don't think your news will be that big to your friend as you think it is. It's exciting for you because it's your pregnancy but friend may not actually care.