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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

273 replies

AliceRR · 16/10/2018 18:57

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 18/10/2018 09:22

Just tell her FFS. All of a sudden I’m much more in favour of mass announcements on Facebook!

If you suspect she may have an issue because she’s ttc without any success, then telling her by text is probably better.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 09:26

Has she replied OP?

Roussette · 18/10/2018 09:30

Why do you think they even need or want to know? You don't need to tell every last acquaintance you've ever met

Because it's her oldest friend who she's know for decades, since she was 5? Hardly an acquaintance

shortgreengiraffe · 18/10/2018 09:33

Bloody hell, talk about a drip feed. If her OH has frozen sperm then getting pregnant isn't going to be straight forward. Saying 'we are waiting until after XYZ' is what I say when people are rude enough to ask when we will have having kids. The reality is we have been trying for 3 years.

I think it almost certain she is feeling fragile over being around pregnant people - I know I do. I've essentially shut out everyone who is pregnant or has young children as much as I can get away with because it hurts.

But even if it's not that, you are trying to make a point by not telling her and that's ridiculous. It makes you look really stupid. If one of my friends did that to me - with or without my infertility - I would think it was really pathetic.

Stonebake · 18/10/2018 09:35

I also wonder if she’s guessed and all the “oh I have some NEWS for you squee!” has sent her running for the hills.

gothefcktosleep · 18/10/2018 09:36

I think there’s a lot to be found in the fact you were childhood friends in the way you’re going about whether to tell her or not/ she won’t text me back so I won’t tell her i’m pregnant...

Tell her! She obviously hasn’t picked up your hints. She’s probably swept up in her moving house etc etc. It’s obviously you’re prerogative on how you’d like to tell someone you’re pregnant (and congratulations by the way), but maybe employ some leeway in your approach... am sure your news will speed up seeing her.

OutPinked · 18/10/2018 09:40

I see my oldest and best friend three times a year if I’m lucky due to us living miles apart, he’s often off travelling and I lead a fairly hectic life. If I left it until we met up to tell him any important news, he’d never know anything at all!

I don’t understand why you’re insisting on meeting up before telling her Confused.

MustStopSnacking28 · 18/10/2018 09:41

When I was pregnant I was similar - it felt weird texting or messaging so I mostly told in person where possible. I didn’t tell some of my oldest friends because of that but I have fallen out of contact with them really. I would probably think about whether you would feel hurt if it was the other way around? I wouldn’t have done because we don’t speak a lot now. Would you feel upset if she was pregnant and you only found out after the birth?

HelloSnow · 18/10/2018 09:46

I’m 23 weeks too and we’ll be in the third trimester soon so feel like letting people know before then, maybe even the couple of less close friends I have who I don’t see or text as much

How are you planning on telling the less close friends you don't see or text much?

Why do they get to know over your childhood friend?

Original poster
AliceRR · 18/10/2018 09:48

Eliza you need to do one now unless you have something helpful. You are being a nuisance.

I’m not talking about telling acquaintances. I’m talking about telling two other friends.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 09:48

OP has she replied??

mumofmunchkin · 18/10/2018 09:50

If her husband has had to have sperm frozen, then they have fertility issues, and it's not just going to be a case of going to "get inseminated". She might need some compassion, and a face to face reveal might be really hard for her. Telling by text is the kindest in this situation (said as a pregnant person with a friend currently starting her second round of IVF) so she can deal with her emotional reaction in her own time. She might have guessed your news, and just not be able to face seeing you right now, because of what they are dealing with.

Original poster
AliceRR · 18/10/2018 09:54

@Chocolatecoffeeaddict I fully accept and have said above it’s not as big a deal for her of course. That’s not the point to me really.

@MumStopSnacking28 That’s it really. I am trying to think of it from her POV which is why I raised the initial question. I’ve said above, I’m not sure I’d have a right to be upset if it was clear she’d try to contact me and meet up and I’d barely responded to her attempts at contact.

I have texted her now. If she replies, great. If she doesn’t, I’m not chasing her any more

@HelloSnow I was saying maybe I should tell these less close friends (as well as the friend the OP was about) by text while I’m in second trimester

@shortgreengiraffe Yes sorry about that! I don’t mean to make a point of telling her. Rather I am not making a point of telling her IYKWIM. I was just going to tell her when I see her but she doesn’t seem to have any interest in talking to me or meeting up.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 18/10/2018 09:55

"When your baby arrives you will need to start behaving like an adult. Now might be a good time to grow up and get over yourself."

@MorningsEleven I wanted to say something similar to that but wasn't able to put it in a nice way.

best of luck to you OP

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 18/10/2018 09:59

I'm glad you texted her, OP. I am that friend that is rubbish at instigating things/ keeping in touch. Life always seems to get in the way, and much as I love seeing my friends when they arrange something I never seem to get round to doing the actual arranging! Happily my good friends seem to understand this and don't seem to hold it against me! I am truly grateful for their organisational skills! I'd urge you not to throw away a friendship.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 18/10/2018 10:12

If she lives that close, I imagine someone has already told her, probably told her ages ago and she is not texting you now because she is upset that you didn't tell her. I would be the same in her shoes tbh.

TurquoiseDress · 18/10/2018 10:15

I would just send her a text to tell her the news, you've not seen her for months anyway.

Roussette · 18/10/2018 10:16

I don't agree. If you don't bother to return calls, or reply to texts, why should you be first in the queue to hear a friend's news?

It's pretty obvious the OP has tried to contact her and tell her, but she isn't replying so why should she be upset

KatnissMellark · 18/10/2018 10:19

OP you have the hide of a rhino. Almost everyone thinks YABU but still no hint of rethinking your position ConfusedHmm

The waiting to TTC while moving house thing could be a cover for fertility issues, which they clearly have if her DH has had sperm frozen. And no it's not a case of 'just getting inseminated or something' Angry perhaps you should educate yourself a little before making judgements about her situation and behaviour.

You need to stop being a drama queen and text her.

mumofmunchkin · 18/10/2018 10:19

Roussette the OP has said that they are likely to have fertility issues (husband has had sperm frozen). If the OP has been dropping hints as she said, and the friend has guessed, this is an easy reason why the friend might not be that keen to meet up or be in contact right now.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2018 10:27

@AliceRR you don't seem the slightest bit bothered about what's going on for her to make her not reply as normal. Unless I'm missed a post there isn't any indication that you are worried about her or have even considered that maybe something has happened that has made her pull away.

If she were my friend I'd be dropping round / card through the door etc to say hey, you aren't as chatty as normal, is everything OK?

Except now you'll need to waddle up the path and it'll be obvious you didn't bother telling her.

Eliza9917 · 18/10/2018 10:28

@Roussette Thu 18-Oct-18 09:30:12
Why do you think they even need or want to know? You don't need to tell every last acquaintance you've ever met

Because it's her oldest friend who she's know for decades, since she was 5? Hardly an acquaintance

I was talking about these long distant people:

I’m 23 weeks too and we’ll be in the third trimester soon so feel like letting people know before then, maybe even the couple of less close friends I have who I don’t see or text as much

GrumbleBumble · 18/10/2018 10:30

OP you seem to have missed the pertinent part of shortgreens post. Your friend is not going to have an easy time getting pregnant. She may have tried and failed (lots of people struggling to get pregnant keep that to themselves, deflect, invent reasons why they aren't trying yet when they actually are). They will have a finite number of tries - limited by the frozen sperm available so even one failure will feel like a very big deal. It is very likely that she has guessed you news and doesn't want to hear it face to face so she doesn't have to try to put on a brave, happy for you face. I was thrilled and delighted when I heard my SILs were pregnant when I wasn't able to be but I also wept for hours - not because I wasn't happy for them but because I was sad for me.

Tell her by text she can come to terms with the news then either pick up the friendship or decide that seeing a pregnant friend is just too hard for her.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2018 10:31

I don’t want to fall out but I am at a stage in life where I can’t be bothered making an effort with people who don’t make an effort for me (family and friends) might have their own crap going on??

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/10/2018 10:37

So she hasn't replied? I would take that as a hint that something is amiss with your relationship then OP.

Step back now and let her get in touch with you if and when she does.

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