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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell oldest friend I’m expecting as I haven’t seen her

273 replies

AliceRR · 16/10/2018 18:57

I am 23 weeks pregnant. Started telling people properly at about 14 weeks as I was nearly that when I had my first scan.

Other than a few exceptions, eg relatives abroad, I didn’t tell people except when I saw them but most friends I saw around that time as I had actually been keeping to myself a bit during first trimester due to tiredness etc.

I have a friend who I went to school with and have known since I was about 5. She’s not my best friend but she’s my oldest friend and a good friend.

I have been in touch with her and talked about meeting up but we haven’t made any plans. I even hinted we had something to tell them by saying we had lots to catch up and and she said I was making her guess what we have to tell her! She said she’d look at the diary.

She has generally responded to some of my texts (mainly about us both trying to move house) and not others in the last few months. I last saw her in March when I invited her and her boyfriend and a few other friends out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She didn’t reply to my last text last month.

I don’t feel like I should keep trying to contact her but don’t want to tell her by phone or text I’m pregnant. I kind of think if she isn’t bothered to keep in touch or meet up so be it.

I’m not really upset about it but don’t want to fall out with her and I’m thinking would she be annoyed if it got to next year and I had a baby and she hadn’t known I was expecting!

Realistically we might make contact over Christmas even if it’s I send her a card and she contacts me but by then we might be talking about meeting in Jan which is v close to my due date!

She lives about 2 miles away by the way not far but may be busy with work / moving house.

OP posts:
Excited101 · 16/10/2018 22:28

You’re being ridiculous. Everyone has their own lives and their own issues. I don’t think your hint was a big one, just text her about it.

PurpleDaisies · 16/10/2018 22:36

I agree, you’re making a big deal of this when there’s no need. You don’t know what’s going on in her life. Just text her with your news.

buckeejit · 16/10/2018 22:45

Oh God, YABU. It's big news for you but not so much everyone else. My good friend & I were both struggling TTC & I was living in another country so only saw her every 4-8 weeks where we'd have wine & a catch up. It was really awful when I arrived one day with wine & excitement & she opened the door with a massive baby bump. I would have loved a text before that. As it was I forgot all the appropriate noises for a few minutes.

Original poster
AliceRR · 17/10/2018 17:02

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable as it’s my choice to tell people how I wish and to tell who I wish. I mentioned I have other friends I just haven’t told but I will when I’m in touch with them.

With her as I’ve known her for so long I am just conscious that it could impact on our friendship but honestly so could the fact that she’s not been very interested in me from the sounds of things.

I understand having things on. I have a lot on too (demanding job, also looking to buy and sell our property and pregnant) but it doesn’t take much to reply to a text.

I appreciate the input and will think it over.

I’m not thinking the friendship is over but I’m think it doesn’t mean much to her perhaps so why should I keep making the effort...

I completely get that if I leave it then she might be pissed off but I do think it’s clear she hasn’t been very communicative! Even she must know that.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/10/2018 17:10

She might have some shit going on in her life that excuses why she's been off the radar or she might just be busy or whatever.

I can withdraw when I have a lot going on.

I would send her a pleasant text with your lovely news and see what happens.

Shoobydooby09 · 17/10/2018 17:17

So if you don't think YABU OP, why have you asked if you are? Sounds a teeny bit like you wanted everyone to say your friend IBU for not making as much effort with your friendship as you. If that's what you're thinking that's what you should have asked and perhaps the responses would have been different. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy Flowers

JessieLemon · 17/10/2018 17:20

You’re being pathetic, nobody cares about your pregnancy as much as you and your partner, all of this overthinking about who to tell and how, withholding it from this friend because you’re not pleased by her (very normal) behaviour recently makes you sound insufferably precious.

If you’re like this in other ways I would assume she’s distanced herself purposefully because she’s had enough of you tbh.

Mookatron · 17/10/2018 17:28

No need to be mean Jessie

It's not really about reasonable/unreasonable. The world is not actually binary like that is it.

If you are clear what it is that you are communicating by not communicating (i.e. I didn't want to tell you I'm pregnant) go ahead as long as you are happy with the likely consequences of that choice.

Original poster
AliceRR · 17/10/2018 17:29

No I wasn’t hoping you’d say something else.

The forum board is AIBU but that’s not what we’re really asking sometimes. My concern was not AIBU as much as will my friend be upset that I haven’t told her I’m pregnant or is it understandable. Clearly most of you think she would be upset and it doesn’t matter that she lives 5 mins away but has not been in touch.

I mentioned above (I think) that I actually thought a lot of you would say don’t waste any more energy on it as she doesn’t sound invested in the friendship but then that’s not what I wanted to hear either.

I completely get that while being pregnant is massive to me and really does feel like the most amazing thing that has happened but it won’t for anyone else except maybe maybe DH! But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to be excited and want to tell people my own way.

The point is I’m not even interested in telling people who wouldn’t be interested. I’ve told immediately family and close friends and people I work with. Everyone else I’ve told as I’ve seen them or they’ve seen for themselves. She was the one person I saw as a good friend who I haven’t told but she’s also the only one who hasn’t shown any interest in meeting.

Anyway I’m not trying to convince you just saying I don’t except people to make a fuss and what my reasoning is.

I don’t think words like a “pathetic” are appropriate- it’s pretty pathetic if you do!

Get a grip this is fairly light hearted. I am not losing sleep over it but was interested in your opinions.

Thanks again ladies

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/10/2018 17:31

An overreaction Jessie Confused

OP in your shoes I would text her. You've done your bit then.

JessieLemon · 17/10/2018 17:32

Get a grip

Oh the irony 😂

Mookatron · 17/10/2018 17:32

I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed with your friend. In your OP you describe her as your oldest friend and a good friend. That's worth having a conversation for surely. But have the conversation, don't punish her by not telling her your big news.

Original poster
AliceRR · 17/10/2018 17:32

@JessieLemon She may well have decided she is not interested in being friends with me in which case I have read the signs to some degree and am right to keep my amazing news to myself! 🙂

OP posts:
Cookit · 17/10/2018 17:36

It doesn’t matter that she’s not been in touch because that’s how friendships work - sometimes you talk all the time and then other times life gets in the way. She doesn’t know you have this big announcement and she might be distracted herself so it’s pretty bad form to hold this against her.

altiara · 17/10/2018 19:36

I’d just text her and tell her, someone earlier had a good message about sorry you’ve not been able to catch up face to face to tell her the news etc.
Yes, you’ll put the ball back again in her court but it’s worth it. If she still isn’t responding etc then move on. But it’s definitely not worth waiting until late pregnancy/had the baby. Sometimes people had lots of shit stuff going on and different people deal with it differently. She’s highly likely still your friend! (Until proved otherwise)

FelicisWolf · 17/10/2018 20:12

I don't really understand the point of this post, you asked if YABU if you don't tell her your news face to face, people suggested that yes, you should just text her and you're saying you don't want to? Pretty much everyone is saying you should text, is this something you are willing to lose a friendship over? If you send a text that doesn't say it exactly but hints you have VERY BIG NEWS that you want to see her in person to say, and then she still doesn't take the bait and arrange a date, then fair enough. She's not your friend. But send the text first before sacking her off!

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 20:49

Are you me-me-meghan by any chance?

Why the fuck wouldn't you just ring her at the time you told everyone else if she's your oldest friend?

You sound a bit unhinged actually tbh.

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 21:02

Also, you don't know what's going on with her. Have you text or rung her just to ask how she is? Asking after her instead of putting the pressure on to meet up AS YOU HAVE AMAZING NEWS AND MUST BE FAWNED OVER AND EVERYTHING MUST REVOLVE AROUND AND BE ABOUT YOU?

That's how you come across op.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/10/2018 21:16

Bloody hell chill out Eliza.

Laiste · 17/10/2018 21:31

Thinking of your pregnancy news as some sort of reward/punishment for being 'interested enough' is an odd mindset. Truly. Sorry.

Original poster
AliceRR · 17/10/2018 21:39

@FelicisWolf9917 yes I may do that. I haven’t sacked her off just feel she’s checked out a bit!

@Eliza9917 You’re hilarious! You think I sound unhinged! 😂

@Laiste RTFT. You’ve misunderstood. apology accepted 🙂

I have sent her a text so will see if I get a reply. And yes I have texted her just to see how she is. On more than one occasion. she hasn’t replied, that was the point really.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/10/2018 21:43

Maybe one of her parents are ill or she has something serious going on.

You were right to text her. It's good news to share. I'm not saying anything else but I'm glad you text her.

HelloSnow · 17/10/2018 21:44

How long has she been like this for OP? You last saw her in March, so only since then or before?

Laiste · 17/10/2018 21:47

I have read the thread. I posted around this time yesterday.

It's pointless though.

Original poster
AliceRR · 17/10/2018 21:52

@HelloSnow Just looking back at my texts it looks like we were in fairly regular contact then with us both texting etc and I think we met up a few times ealry in the year, the last time being end of March. Since then I texted her in april just asking how she is and didn’t get a reply. I left it and then texted in August and got a reply. We exchanged a couple of texts in August including I suggested meeting up and she said she’d come back to me with dates. I texted her a couple of times last month and she didn’t reply. I texted her again today!

But I feel a hit desperate to keep texting her when she isn’t responding, IYKWIM. It’s not about “punishing” her.

OP posts: