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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 17/10/2018 19:50

"She said it as though any grandchild that is born ‘belongs’ to the mother’s side of the family - ergo her son’s baby is a true grandchild of her DIL’s parents but not so much a grandchild of hers...."

I'm sure there's plenty of research to show that when you control for other things such as distance, most grandchildren are closer to their maternal grandparents than their paternal ones. Some people speculate that this is because we subconsciously know that we can only be certain of maternal relationship and not of paternity, others just that children are mainly brought up by their mothers.
This woman just said it out loud.

Warpdrive · 17/10/2018 19:52

My SIL told me that my DM once told her “you’ll love your grandchildren from your daughter more than the ones from your son”....
I mean she basically told my SIL that HER children weren’t as loved as mine. Beggars belief.

NonaGrey · 17/10/2018 19:59

I mean she basically told my SIL that HER children weren’t as loved as mine. Beggars belief.

Shock. I hope she never ever complained about not seeing them as much as your SIL’s Mum...

Poor kids. Sad

Dillydallyingthrough · 17/10/2018 20:00

It's an odd thing to say, I think sometimes it is an unspoken thing.

For example, Dsis had a child, my mother was with her at the birth, and supported her through the first couple of weeks as she had a difficult birth. This made her naturally close to my niece. My BIL mother did go every day for an hour or so. Over the last 10 years, my mother has been the person that my Dsis turns to for advice, or babysitting. When Dsis asks her MIL if she wants to babysit, she doesn't as she doesn't feel confident to look after them. I dont think it's intentional, it's just how it has worked out.

FendiJacket · 17/10/2018 20:38

Ooh don’t get me started!

When MIL wanted some photographs of “the family” she announced that it was a shame that younger SIL didn’t have any children because “it will only be older SIL’s children in the grandchildren picture”.

Excuse me? I had a 5 month old son!

I reminded her and she was all “Oh of course, of course” but she had forgotten!

Next she announced that these photographs would take place on x weekend because that was “when everyone could make it”. I told her I couldn’t (weekend before exam) and she said I didn’t have to be there because it was just pictures of her family. Hmm

So not only am I obviously not her family in her eyes but she expected DH to take my breastfed baby to her house for the weekend without me!

This was a few years ago. Those “family” pictures have never been taken and I doubt they will be now.

celticprincess · 17/10/2018 21:03

Sounds weird but it could be that ‘through her son’ means her son’s partner has a child that’s not his but is treat like his and is there fore like a grandchild. Even in that situations it’s off. My kids have extra grandparents since their dad got an new partner and baby half sister. Her parents are now their grandparents as far as anyone is concerned.

MarcieBluebell · 17/10/2018 21:11

I've seen this happen. Mil interested in daughters kids but not sons.

Castieldeansam · 17/10/2018 21:15

My MIL told me that it's different with your own daughters children than your sons. She has always favoured her daughter kids, and doesn't bother with ours, doesn't remember there birthdays, gives more to her daughters kids for Christmas etc. My parents treat all their grandchildren equally!!!

JonNTerry · 17/10/2018 21:24

When my DS was a newborn my MIL randomly told me when her DD has children it will be different as it will be her child having a baby. I never told DH, it did upset me though so why upset him too

Deidre21 · 17/10/2018 21:45

Not that it’s right but perhaps she means that as it was her own daughter giving birth to the child as opposed to her son’s girlfriend/partner/wife giving birth to their child she feels more of a bond/relation to her daughter’s child because it is more part of her (crazy as if her son is not her blood too??!?!bonkers way to think)

emmakc1977 · 17/10/2018 21:49

Think it depends on relationship with DIL - I’m some cases might well be the DIL spends more time with kids with her parents - I know I do but my PIL live 200 miles away so don’t see ours v often

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 17/10/2018 21:59

Reading over all these replies makes me realise that looking at my own life how different the relationships are that my sons have with my family compared to my DH’s family.

I take my sons to see my sister and her children all the time, I take them to see my dad all the time, and to see my mom (my parents are divorced) all the time too. I also take my sons to see my own grandparents and my own aunts so they are close to all my family members. I spend a lot of time with my friends who all have children too so my sons are very much included in that aspect of my life aswell.

On the other hand, none of my DH’s family are that bothered about our sons. Unfortunately my MIL has passed away (who was a wonderful woman) but everyone else in his family have nothing to do with our children. My husband doesn’t make any effort with his family though so it’s completely understandable they are not integrated into our son’s lives.

So I guess yes, maybe there is true that children have much stronger bonds with the maternal family than the paternal family purely because the mothers spend more time with her own family members than perhaps the father does with his.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 22:17

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

Not on MN where she's the mil and must only visit once a month, for half an hour.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/10/2018 22:17

My MIL has always been closer to both SIL's children than ours but she does love ours and she's very proud of them.

We've got 2 adult sons. DS1 doesn't want children, but DS2 has a lovely girlfrIend. She suggested that if they ever have children in years to come we move 200 miles to live near them so we can help with childcare. Shock I almost choked on my dinner.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 17/10/2018 23:16

My MIL thinks like this.

Bluehues · 17/10/2018 23:32

I completely agree with this. I think she just didn’t articulate it very well. Daughters are often much closer to their own mums and the MIL’s feel it. Mums I know whose MIL’s try to be involved, hate it, even saying it’s not the same as their own mum.

Bluehues · 17/10/2018 23:33

That was meant to be in reply to ploppyunderpants post

kateandme · 18/10/2018 00:12

you see I cant understand this and it was different for us.
gran would be adorable to her son and his kid would be like little prince and princess and spoilt to shit.where as us being mums wouldn't be so much.becasue she doesn't treat mum right.
where as my gran on dads side loves my mum and thought was amazing and cherished her and us.and we are all closer to dads side and she would go to his family first every time.

Purplealienpuke · 18/10/2018 05:38

Only one word ...VILE!!
My DM has 3 natural gc and 5 step gc. She treats them all the same!! Loves them all the same!! As does her husband.
To do anything else would be strange but to air that view in public is VILE.

Unicornandbows · 18/10/2018 06:10

I personally believe you are much more closer to your mother who's brought you up for x number of years then a mil who you either have a good or bad relationship with. I know I can turn up at my mother's house at 3am without being judged but mil I would feel uncomfortable to wake her at 3am. That is why I believe you are naturally closer to gc from maternal side.

CrazyAllAroundMe · 18/10/2018 08:37

I think this is my mil view too. She treats sil family soo different. (talking £2k on a gift & a gushing fb birthday post for all 4 children plus her DD as opposed to £10 in a card or many times nothing to anyone in our house) My children were oblivious when younger but now it's glaring and hurts them. They openly ask why she doesn't like them and my husband is upset too when we've been good to her financially and emotionally and never ask anything of her.

NC now at husbands insistence. Can't say I'm not pleased but half heartedly encourage him to phone every few weeks. I on the other hand treat all children in my family like my own, step or otherwise including friends children. Love like you want to be loved ♥ so much spite in a heart astounds me

Yorkshiretolondon · 18/10/2018 09:15

Bonkers! I have a brother 2 children, I have 1 child our mother loves them all to the moon and back!
My 1 child is a boy and if he has children they’ll be mine mine mine 😂😂

FendiJacket · 18/10/2018 09:19

Another thing MIL said that was odd was, because I’d kept my name when we married (old family name, used for work and is the name of the family business), that she wanted DS to have her family name. When DS pointed out that her family name (maiden name) was x not y, she just married a y (DH’s father) and took his name, she absolutely refused to admit it 😆.

FendiJacket · 18/10/2018 09:20

No, DH pointed it out, not DS 😂

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 18/10/2018 09:45

As a mother of two boys the answers to this thread make me feel a bit sad.

My parents are divorced and both my parents actively seek time out with eldest boy, asking to take him places and asking if he have sleepovers etc whereas my husband’s family show no interest whatsoever. My husband isn’t close to his extended family so I can understand that but his dad, who lives just done the road, doesn’t seem too fussed about our DS.

OP posts: