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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
buckeejit · 16/10/2018 22:17

Very sad, however, technically if you carry a baby girl, then you have also carried her children as all your daughters eggs (for potential grandchildren) are created in the womb. Possibly there is a biological preference towards daughters children? I think it's more likely closeness of relationship to the main caregiver. My parents are close to my children but equally so my db's. Mainly because db brings dc & does lots of drop offs. Dsil doesn't spend much time with my parents so they feel less like they have input.

showmethemonkey · 16/10/2018 22:28

AlphaBravo DH’s mother taught SIL’s children to say “daddy doesn’t love us” etc. However, when they grew up they realised they were manipulated and now have nothing to do with MIL and hardly anything to do with SIL. I think they only keep in contact with SIL because there are younger siblings still st her house. Their Instagram and Facebook pages are full of their fathers side of the family however, with loads of those cheesy “I love my dad” memes.

I do not think it is a coincidence that both these “children” (one early 20s, one late teens) suffer from depression and have self harmed. The guilt the eldest one in particular felt (when she realised that her dad had been lied about but she’d believed it) was devastating.

Maybeicanhelp · 16/10/2018 22:29

I read an article several years ago that proposed that grandmothers were closer to their daughters' children than their sons' because they knew that they were 100% their grandchildren genetically.

The gist of the article was that, theoretically, your son's partner could give birth to another man's child, so no relation to you, and in scarce times you would favour your own.

Clawdy · 16/10/2018 23:03

Never heard anything like this. I have three grandchildren, all from my sons, and they are loved very much, as are all the grandkids of friends of mine with sons.

Allthewaves · 16/10/2018 23:08

It's fact of life that a large percentage of the time the parents of the mum will have more interaction with their grandchild than the parents if the dad.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 16/10/2018 23:09

My PILs definitely think like this. Lots of thinly veiled comments about how different it’ll be when their daughter has kids- as apposed to mine who they see as kind of nephew/neice type figures. Very weird.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/10/2018 23:15

Perhaps she's very fixated on the fact that this grandchild will have her mitochondrial DNA? I mean we all think that, but wouldn't actually say it.

Parisbun · 16/10/2018 23:22

Theres always the thing about all of a womans eggs are present before her birth. So a grandchild was effectively once inside the grandmother.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 23:44

I have three grandchildren, all from my sons, and they are loved very much, as are all the grandkids of friends of mine with sons.

I don’t think she was implying she didn’t love her son’s child, just that there was something ‘different’ about how she felt towards her daughter’s child.

I guess those of us who only have sons will never never know if there is a difference in the emotional feelings you have towards your daughter’s child compared to the feelings you have for your son’s child....

OP posts:
NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 17/10/2018 09:14

Me and DH have both been married before and have children. We don't have any between us. When the kids starting having their own children, they were OUR grandchildren. I class myself as lucky that the step children are happy for me to be called grandma, as is my husband. I look after the little ones from both sides, moreso my daughters children, as naturally my step DIL goes first to her mum. In fact, im looking after 3 of them at the same time, from both sides of the family, over the half term. However, we treat them the same, and would never say such a thing.

Hungryagain · 17/10/2018 17:31

My MIL is like this, dotes on my SIL kids but seems to forget she has 4 other grandkids! Winds me up used to promise my kids things like sleepovers then forget & txt us saying she is busy, my kids then used to blame me & my DH, she hasn’t seen our kids for 6 mths, not that my kids are bothered anymore.

wonderandwander · 17/10/2018 17:37

May be in her family, for reason unbeknownst to us, she has no relationship with her son and grandchild and never sees them, and so does regard this child as her her proper grandchild insofar as she has a relationship with the child and is actually heavily involved

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 17/10/2018 17:41

Ok,did she mean the baby was adopted or born out of wedlock??
Horrible no matter what her reason was!!

DaisyEmma · 17/10/2018 17:46

Never heard of this, would never occur to me to think like this. I think it is all crazy! Relationships between grandparents and grandchildren are so dependent on circumstances, personalities, history of the parent-grandparent relationship, health and so many other factors. I absolutely don’t think you can generalise like this even if you wanted to?!

I just have daughters myself but my MIL is more involved with them than my mum.

witherwings · 17/10/2018 17:49

That is really shocking. I would be horrified if that was how my MIL thought about my kids. Luckily she adores all her grandkids whether from her DD, DS or DSDs.

Chrissiewhitty · 17/10/2018 17:51

I had have 2 did and my sil was pregnant and we found out it was to be a dad my mil said to me I am so pleased I have always wanted a grand daughter
I said you have 2 already
She said but this will be mine.

My bil have 2 days but they seem to be hers so must be just mine.

angieloumc · 17/10/2018 17:54

What a strange woman. I have 2 DGC one of each, they belong to my 2 eldest sons. They definitely are my 'proper' GC, cannot ever imagine feeling otherwise.

cherish123 · 17/10/2018 17:55

Maybe the one through her son was a step grandchild.

lanbro · 17/10/2018 17:55

How awful...my dc are the absolute apple of exMILs eye, probably her favourites but the other gc are all grown up now! Crazy thinking, poor gc

Somethingaboutlilo · 17/10/2018 17:57

When I was having my DD my DM confided in me that she felt closer to her DDs’ children than she did her DSs’. She did say though that it wasn’t a difference in the amount of love given and the DCs are certainly not treated any different. She said to me it was because when your DD is pregnant, you feel like your going through all the worry etc together because of the mother daughter bond which she just couldn’t do with her DILs. I sort of get it. For a grandmother to refer to any GC as “not their real GC” is very wrong though - especially if it’s evident in the way they’re all treated

strawberrysweets · 17/10/2018 17:57

Perhaps she is NC with her son and doesn't even see the child?!

Singlenotsingle · 17/10/2018 18:00

She's just confused. My first Ds was born to my then husband. When I had my second DS a few years later to a different dp, my mum said, " Of course, this one's nothing to do with me". Shock She meant she wasn't this baby's DGM but of course she was. I had to explain this to her.

Seniorschoolmum · 17/10/2018 18:02

My dm viewed it the other way around.

My brother’s children were the important ones with the family name, and her daughters’ children were very much also-rans.

Then I had ds as a single mum and so kept the family name. Dm was so shocked, she never broached the subject. Smile.

Just old lady logic!

BrendasUmbrella · 17/10/2018 18:05

Honestly, it's a phenomenon I see in my family. My nieces and nephews by my brothers are much closer to their maternal families, in one case we only see them at Christmas, yet my dc's and my sisters dc's are very central in our family and don't see their paternal families often. No drama or politics, it's just how things naturally played out. I don't think anyone gives it any thought.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 17/10/2018 18:10

People trot out the old ‘daughters are closer to mothers’ nonsense but with attitudes like this maybe that’s why! If you never expect/want/let your son be as close...

We can tie ourselves in knots about what she might have meant but it’s very clear. Sad, but clear.