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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 16/10/2018 18:47

I think my mil thinks like this. She clearly favours her dd & her children over ours and bils kids. Agree with pp it's batshit.

PodgeBod · 16/10/2018 18:49

Never heard it said so baldly but I think it's a pretty common attitude. In DPs family it's very obvious, there are 3 sons and 3 daughters all with kids so it's pretty plain to see how they are treated differently.

tillytoodles1 · 16/10/2018 18:50

Our son has a daughter, we absolutely adore her and see her all the time.

DarlingNikita · 16/10/2018 18:51

How sad. Very medieval, somehow, like when kings and queens were disappointed if they 'only' had a daughter.

Portobellae · 16/10/2018 18:51

My FIL was like this. He referred to his daughters’ children as his ‘own’ and his DS ( my DH) children as ‘ your children’
He wasn’t a nice man.

Mosaic123 · 16/10/2018 18:53

I reckon neither her nor her son sees the first one.

RoxytheRexy · 16/10/2018 18:58

Completely how my MIL sees my children. Her loss. Poisonous drunk old witch

OliviaStabler · 16/10/2018 19:03

She said her son had a child so I assumed that to mean he has a biological child, not a step child.

I'd say she meant step child. I've heard this said before and that is what it meant in those cases.

Ploppymoodypants · 16/10/2018 19:05

I think perhaps we are all being a little harsh on this lady and maybe she articulated herself badly.

My auntie has 2 boys and a girls all in their thirties and who have 2 children each. 6 grandchildren in all. The sons children cane first. She has a v good relationship with her DILs and is respectful of their parenting and ensures to give them space etc and not interfere. She loves and dotes on all grandchildren equally. However she freely admits that when her DD has children she felt much freer to pop in and visit to coo over baby, and offer advice when asked and to offer to take baby for an hour or two. Where as with her sons children she was mindful to be respectful of boundaries for the DIL and not impose. This has paid off as both DILs are delighted their children have such a lovely granny.
But, she felt that she was more part of her daughters babies lives and early childhood, where as with her sons babies, she was a very welcome guest. I hope that makes sense.

Chocolate1984 · 16/10/2018 19:09

Reading the MIL threads I’m not surprised. She’ll be too scared to call, pop in, give advice, buy clothes, ask to see her grandchild on their birthday or see them and Xmas.

Daughters tend to be closer to their own mum, spend more time with their own family and ask their parents to be more involved so I’m guessing she just means she sees this child more and is more involved.

ShadyLady53 · 16/10/2018 19:12

I don’t have kids yet but I’m pretty sure from things my Mum has said that she’d consider my children more her grandchildren than my brothers’s kids who are now older teenagers.

This is mainly because I’ve always looked after my mum and the older members of the family whilst my brother spent years travelling the world than settled in a different country. He also married a woman who wanted her side more involved than our side so our relatives pretty much weren’t allowed contact with the children until they were older. SIL actively excluded our family.

I know it’s not normal to see your daughter’s children as more important or closer than your son’s but I actually think it’s quite common. A family friend is more excited about her daughter being pregnant than she was when it was her sons girlfriend. Maybe something about a daughter becoming a mother too?

caoraich · 16/10/2018 19:13

Wow this is bonkers! I have a lovely relationship with my now-90yr old grandma on my dad's side. She looked after me loads when I was little. I've actually been pretty upset by the lack of interest my MIL has shown in our soon to be born DC (one phone call in the last 6 months. Isn't planning to visit). Had no idea this sort of attitude existed but maybe that explains it Sad

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 16/10/2018 19:19

I wonder if her son is feckless so technically only has a child but no relationship with it, therefore this one is her first grandchild she has a relationship with.

That said, my mother would pull that shit if my sister ever had kids.

mummyhaschangedhername · 16/10/2018 19:20

Yes, apparently we are not proper family to my in-laws. 🤷‍♀️ apparently they look after their daughters.

I've given up trying to figure out how their brains work , their loss.

Bestseller · 16/10/2018 19:22

She probably meant it's the first one she's been allowed/able to be properly involved with the care of.

sirfredfredgeorge · 16/10/2018 19:23

Yeah, I'd assume her son had a step child, possibly one who's already a teenager or something, so whilst she is a grandparent, it's quite a different relationship.

That's a much more normal and reasonable assumption, rather than assuming that she means male grandchildren aren't real!

AuntBeastie · 16/10/2018 19:24

My friend’s mum is like this - her son just had a kid but she says it’s not really her grandchild like my friends babies one day will be. I find it really bizarre and offensive.

Nanna50 · 16/10/2018 19:28

My father felt like this, my brothers had children and my father loved them but when I had my first child he said he felt overwhelmed. Some weird emotion that his child (me) had carried and born this grandchild.

My mother didn’t, she loved all of her grandchildren on first sight.

LokiBear · 16/10/2018 19:30

My mil can be tricky to deal with. However, she wouldnt ever treat my kids as 'less' because im not her daughter. She struggles with not being my 'go to' when it comes to my kids, because I tend to go to my mum when I need help or advice. However, I make sure she is as involved as my mum and has the same opportunities to bond with her grandkids. Infact, I think they are even more important as they are the fruit of her PFB's loins. Shes always banging on about how my girls are most like her side. Despite dd confusing a baby picture of me with her own baby pictures and the two girls being my mini mes, MIL tries to insist they look nothing like me. Its become quite funny really.

Oysterbabe · 16/10/2018 19:32

My MIL has a much closer relationship with my kids than my mum does. To be fair to my mum she is dead, which makes it harder.

SputnikBear · 16/10/2018 19:34

Her son’s child might be a step grandchild. Or maybe her DIL doesn’t like her so she barely sees her son’s child but has a regular relationship with her daughters child.

Upslidedown · 16/10/2018 19:36

My MIL is like this. Sadly my venomous spinster SIL has never procreated so she's stuck with DH's kids. His ex was far more to her liking so she favours my stepkids over my DS.

I am endlessly grateful that my DSS's mum is lovely and supports us calling the kids siblings rather than half-siblings and hugs my DS (who ADORES her). It helps smooth over MILs extreme favouritism.

Kit10 · 16/10/2018 19:37

As a mum of boys it makes me nervous, obviously I know I won't feel like that myself, but if any future DIL and her DM feel like that then that'll be me pushed right out...I hope not, but does feel like in my experience I see maternal lines closer to grandchildren, but not always.

montenuit · 16/10/2018 19:39

maybe her DIL keeps her at arm's length so she is only truly involved with her dd's child?
Not unusual i don't think. My MIL is definitely closer to the dgc of her dds, not that i block her just how it is. My first port of call is my mum, my SIL's port of call is her mum.

TickTickBoomBoom · 16/10/2018 19:41

My DDs' grandparents don't have a choice - my ex gave them their only grandchildren, and none of their DDs could have kids. So my DDs are the only grandchildren they'll ever have, and I wasn't even married to him. They're very strict catholics, so that went down well Grin. Nevertheless, they love me and my DDs loads.