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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 16/10/2018 19:42

I think grandchildren on the whole do tend to be more close to their mothers parents. Assuming non toxic family relations of course.

So I kind of get where she's coming from. But it's certainly an odd thing to tell randoms in the supermarket. More of an unspoken thing.

RememberUs · 16/10/2018 19:48

Odd but not exceptional in a way of thinking.

My DM has older granddaughters from her DD and then younger grandsons from her DS she treats them differently because of their age gaps and also because she is older now. But they spend as much time with her and are treated as well as all the GD were when they were little.
We are a close family.

MIL has more GC and does a lot more for her DD and her kids than she ever did for DH & I and I can remember once when mine were small and SIL nowhere near ready to have kids saying how when that time came she was giving up work to help and look after them. In the end she didn't need to as she was past retirement before that time came. However she does do lots for them on a day-to-day basis far more than for either of her DS kids. But in terms of gifts and other areas they are all treated equally.

And secretly I am glad that she worked full time as a teacher when mine were small as that worked perfectly for keeping her out of my hair most of the time, whilst being very handy to help in the holidays

legofriendly · 16/10/2018 19:49

This is my MIL’s view. But then she tried to tell me that her family had “more of a claim to DS than most grandparents” because my parents were dead. Batshit.

topcat2014 · 16/10/2018 19:50

@tiggerkid that is so sad :(

StarfishSandwich · 16/10/2018 19:54

How awful! My DS is MIL’s third grandchild and she absolutely ADORES him. She moved in with us for the week last week and did all the washing and cleaning just so she could get lots of cuddling in (I know MILs get a bad rep on mumsnet but mine is honestly amazing). I can’t imagine her ever thinking less of our DS than her other DGCs.

ChimesAtMidnight · 16/10/2018 19:55

Wow ! I feel sorry for all those M & FILs who don't treat all their gc equally as their much loved gc; what love and joy they are missing out on.
I have gc from my sons and daughter and love 'em all to bits. My life would truly be much poorer if I only treated my dd's children as 'proper' gc.

iismum · 16/10/2018 19:57

Reminds me of the kids song 'you cannae shove your granny off the bus'. It's all about the lovely things you do with your granny - and then there's a verse 'you can shove your other granny coz she's just your daddy's mammy ...'

BeaTrewts · 16/10/2018 20:08

The woman said 'through' her son so I suspect that her son is married / with someone who already had a child when they got together.

tillytrotter1 · 16/10/2018 20:09

Having read many anti-MIL posts on here, the maternal grandmother is generally deemed to be superior to the paternal grandmother, maybe this lady was treated badly by the son's wife and hence this attitude. If that's the case then the daughter-in-law is reaping what she has sown and her children will suffer because of it.

legofriendly · 16/10/2018 20:16

If that's the case then the daughter-in-law is reaping what she has sown and her children will suffer because of it.

Gosh, not with my ILs. I think they would have suffered more if they had been in contact when MIL’s brother was arrested.

Bluelady · 16/10/2018 20:20

Have you read some of the MiL threads? It seems pretty common for DiLs to sideline their partners' parents, this grandchild may be the only one she gets to spend time with.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 16/10/2018 20:21

My first thought was perhaps a GDC she doesn't see due to relationship breakdown/parents not being in a relationship or similar. Which would still be a weird thing to say to a random in the supermarket!

autumnleaves1234 · 16/10/2018 20:23

Afraid my DM is exactly the same. She considers her daughters children to be her 'real' Grandchildren as distinct from my brothers children. I do think a lot of this stems from the females taking a leading role in childcare within our family. So my sisters and I would make the arrangements for the children to visit, meet up etc. My brothers wife would do the same with her own mother and my parents were side lined. I see this scenario replicated with lots of friends who are now having Grandchildren. One friend has three boys, two of whom have children. She would adore to see them more but the mothers of the children gravitate more towards their own mothers

socksortights · 16/10/2018 20:28

I completely disagree with the lady's comment. But I am wondering if she feels that way because her daughter carried the baby (as in was pregnant) rather than her daughter in law?
Still odd, but might be what she meant and why she feels that way?

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 20:32

This thread is pretty sobering and I can’t believe how common a thought process it can be.

It’s funny though that my grandma (my dad’s mum) didn’t really have much to go with us as children, we saw her a lot but it never felt like she was a loving grandma that adored us. However, all her grandchildren that came from my dad’s sisters were the apples of her eyes.

Me and my sister always felt like outsiders when it came to being her grandchildren. We never felt like we mattered in the same way her other grandchildren did.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 16/10/2018 20:34

I never knew anyone thought like that, how awful for her son and his wife/partner.

Bluelady · 16/10/2018 20:38

Maybe it's her son's wife/partner who's made her feel that way? As I've already pointed out, a large percentage of MN seems to think MiLs are the devil incarnate.

SunflowerJo08 · 16/10/2018 20:39

My MIL makes it perfectly clear that she doesn't view my son as a "proper" grandson even though I have been with DH since DS was 18m. In fact when he was 4 or 5 she actually said out loud that DS "hadn't got as many presents as (other grandson) as he (DS) isn't a proper grandchild".

Nice.

The80sweregreat · 16/10/2018 20:40

That is sad to read.

CherryValance · 16/10/2018 20:44

Both my grandmothers were equally important in my childhood, they both lived hours away but we'd visit and stay. It never occured to me there could be a difference. I live far closer to my MIL than my parents so she sees my boys more but they all love them. Does make me a bit worried as a mum of boys that I might be sidelined in the future but hopefully the loving relationship I have with them now will mean they want to see me, to replicate their own experience of grandparents for their kids. And I'll trust in their ability to pick wives who are fair, and I won't interfere!

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/10/2018 20:45

On the basis that not a day go past on MN without a DIL decrying how annoying their MILs are .. I am not in the least bit surprised. !
When MIL aren't allowed to pop in, baby sit, buy clothes, buy toys or god forbid - have them for an overnight until they are 27.. ALL of which is considered entirely reasonable.. - I am not surprised they never get a chance to form a bond and consider them 'real' GC..

Sakura7 · 16/10/2018 20:46

Bluelady

Even if they don't have a good relationship, the child will always be her grandchild. Even if she's more involved with the daughter's child, it still strikes me as very odd to call her the 'proper' grandchild. It's also pretty crappy if a woman who doesn't have her mother around gets a MIL like this, means the poor kids won't have a 'proper' grandmother. Like the OP, I'm honestly shocked this is a thing.

continuallychargingmyphone · 16/10/2018 20:48

I do think that many (not all) grandparents have a closer relationship with their daughters children than that of their sons.

Mingmoo · 16/10/2018 20:51

This is definitely my PIL's attitude. They have four grandchildren. Two get swimming lessons, dance lessons, outings and weekly childcare (their DD's daughters). Two (their DS's sons) don't. Admittedly we live in a different part of the country but they come for a few days at a time to visit friends here and don't even drop in to see us or mention they're nearby. They're nice to them when they see them, but told us not to bother coming down for Christmas this year, though I know they'll be spending the day with the other side of the family. It makes me so sad. My parents aren't able to do anything with or for their grandchildren through ill health, so my DCs miss out both ways.

foxtiger · 16/10/2018 20:52

i think she might not have meant to generalise - there might have been specific circumstances that meant she didn't feel close to her son's child, that would not apply to anyone else. Maybe she isn't talking to her son for some reason or he's on the other side of the world. She might have been so used to talking to people who already know about this situation that she forgot that you didn't - or she mistook you for someone she used to know, who would have known the story.