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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this can’t be a common way of thinking?

184 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 16/10/2018 18:24

I was in a shop earlier pushing a trolley around with my two children in, one of whom is a 14 month old.

We got to the check-out and the woman in front looked like she was in her 60s and had a young infant sitting in her trolley too.

We got chatting about the little ones and the lady said it was her granddaughter who she looks after a few days a week.

I asked her if it was her first grandchild and she said that she had a grandchild through her son too but this one (the one in the trolley) was her daughter’s child and so it was her “first proper grandchild.”

What the hell?

I had absolutely no idea what to say in response so I just smiled.

I know there’s stereotypes of a lovely mother/daughter relationship etc etc but to say that a child that comes from your daughter more of a grandchild than one that comes from your son is pretty out there in terms of thinking isn’t it?!

OP posts:
dms1 · 17/10/2018 18:21

I’ve come across this A LOT. Was a midwife for just over 20 years, and mothers often accompanied their daughters in labour. I always asked if this was their first grandchild, and the response was often ‘no, but it’s a wee bit different when it’s your daughter’s baby’. Never understood. I truly love my children in equal measure & all their babies will be equally as special, should I ever be lucky enough to be a granny. Furthermore, my own daughter lives in a different country close to her partners family. I’d be GUTTED if his mother treated her children as though they were ‘less than’. But I don’t think she would - thankfully she’s lovely.

VerbenaGirl · 17/10/2018 18:24

I would read that as maybe her son has a stepchild, in which case that seems a reasonable thing to say...

Herefortheduration · 17/10/2018 18:27

This wasn’t the case when I was a child, I adored by paternal grandparents. It won’t be the way I view my sons children either. However, it’s that way with my PIL, they are all for SILs children, the eldest in particular, she is openly called ‘the favourite’, yes those words are used. It hurts my dh but we suck it up and still see them often.

Gingerrogered · 17/10/2018 18:30

Hmm. I can’t completely condemn her tbh. My MIL had all boys and was a wonderful, loving Grandma (one of my biggest regrets is that she died before she could meet my children.) I really used to see her suffer for being the father’s Mum though. She had one set of Grandchildren she only saw for half an hour on Christmas morning before the went away to Maternal GM’s for the rest of the festive season. She was only asked to do things when people needed something and would come way down the list of priorities, in one case she had a DIL who actively tried to exclude and ignore her. If tickets were limited for a nativity she wouldn’t have a prayer of being invited before maternal. Also she was kept on a very short leash re seeing babysitting. She’d be second choice after MDGM, and because she didn’t see them that often if she ever tried to say she had an important previous commitment or was away she’d get ‘Oh well, you say you don’t see them enough but you turn down when we offer (like they were doing her a favour) so we won’t bother again’ to blackmail her into cancelling.

You do see it on here a lot. It’s absolutely fine to have your own DM with in the delivery room and to stay at home prior to the birth while telling DH DM she has to wait four weeks for the first peek. Apparently it’s fine to tell ILs they’re only welcome to visit if they stay in a hotel and heaven help them if they split as often any attempt to stay in contact with their GCs is greeted as though the devil incarnate has come knocking.

It is one of those things that makes me wonder about the MN ‘hive mind’ on the one side paternal grandmother is supposed to equally value the children of her DS, on the other hand she’s also supposed to meekly accept much reduced levels of contact and interaction than MGM gets.

It doesn’t feel quite fair to me.

Middersweekly · 17/10/2018 18:30

This sounds like something my MIL would probably say!

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 17/10/2018 18:34

My parents are the opposite. Once I was married off, I was no longer part of their family. DBro's kids are their 'real' grandchildren. They have next to nothing to do with mine. Although they are conflicted about their son and heir having only produced daughters, whereas I have sons. My charming father still believes that it is all SIL fault they have no sons Hmm and that I had them just to spite him Hmm

perfectstorm · 17/10/2018 18:39

She may just mean that she gets on really badly with her DIL, so things such as taking the GC out to the shops etc isn't possible, there - they don't have the same relationship. Badly expressed, but tbh I think it's a very hard relationship, the MIL/DIL one, so it's not unreasonable that a mother who resents someone and doesn't really want them in their life isn't going to foster the grandmother/grandchild bond as much as a mother who loves her own mum and wants to see her.

It is sad, and I'm sure happens at times in a vacuum, but the reality is, as many DIL simply don't feel inclined to work hard at the relationship, nor will the MIL. Chicken and egg. And while I don't blame DIL for not doing all the emotional work of that (funny how the DH/son gets off scott free, because he can't be arsed to keep his mum in the loop) and while a lot of MIL do struggle badly with finding they aren't first in their son's lives, and never get over what they clearly feel is a betrayal... DIL can hardly object when the MIL, in turn, isn't willing to invest emotionally in a child she rarely sees, and as a consequence doesn't have the same bond.

Again, sometimes it will happen from nowhere, and I do get that. You can get MIL who start with that attitude from the off. But it does seem quite natural, in a society that expects women to do all the social effort. Most people will then turn to their mum and daughter, and not an in-law.

perfectstorm · 17/10/2018 18:41

@OnceUponATimeInAmerica that's bloody awful! Though sounds like a somewhat, um, limited loss.

Families are weird.

BlueJava · 17/10/2018 18:48

Wow! That's pretty shocking tbh. Hopefully a misunderstanding though!

caringcarer · 17/10/2018 18:56

Very odd. All grandchildren are equal in my eyes. All grandparents too.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 17/10/2018 18:59

That's exactly how my mother in law is 😢

tattyheadsmum · 17/10/2018 18:59

I agree Gingerrogered. I'm sure some MILs are terrible (mine isn't) but the crumbs that some posters expect them to beg and then be grateful for makes me wince.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 17/10/2018 19:00

Thanks perfectstorm . My father is a vile narcissistic bigot. My mother is a downtrodden chronic depressive (unsurprisingly after over 50 years of marriage) who has started adopting more of his views as she ages. I never go to their house, very rarely let them into mine, maybe see them twice a year on neutral territory because it reins him in.

I could tell many stories of the vile things he has said and done over the years. But this isn't my thread, and I mostly just find it laughable now. It gets easier to ignore him as he gets older and less relevant. And thankfully both my brothers see through him now so tend to stand up for me when he is being an arse.

MsLexic · 17/10/2018 19:03

maybe her son was not a blood relative. Or you could have asked what she meant.

Poodles1980 · 17/10/2018 19:05

My mil said this when her daughter announced she was pregnant. Oh our first real grandchild...Eh you have two others but ok. Confused

sleepylittlebunnies · 17/10/2018 19:08

My first thought reading that is that she meant first proper grandchild as in one that she gets to see and do things with. As in a proper relationship, maybe she is cut off from her son or he lives abroad or he doesn’t have access to his kids.

scarbados · 17/10/2018 19:18

I've heard a very nasy theory that says you can be sure your daughter's child is truly your grandchild but your son's child could be the result of your DIL cheating so may not be his after all. (Yes, my former MIL was a vile woman!). Never heard it expressed the other way round though and can't understand why it should be a thought at all.

sleepylittlebunnies · 17/10/2018 19:18

I’ve had some long chats with DS 11 as he had 7 cousins but was telling me he had 6 and listed them. The one he missed off because her mum split from my brother and prevented any contact. It’s been 7 years since we set eyes on her, don’t even know where she is. I told him that as she still exists she is his cousin, he agreed and said yes, just not a proper one. I count her as one of my nieces but the bonded relationship isn’t there.

MsLexic · 17/10/2018 19:22

oooh yess, just read that! Maybe DIL cheated! So not really a relly!

Jools79 · 17/10/2018 19:22

That's exactly how my mother in law behaves towards my children and my husband's children from his first marriage. She knows nothing about any of them and thinks visiting every couple of months with 2 chocolate bars makes her supergran. They are as interested in her as she is in them. Her loss !

sleepylittlebunnies · 17/10/2018 19:26

Scarbados I’ve read about that theory. Not regarding them being proper or not but that the father’s family are very keen to find a family likeness in the baby. I remember my in-laws cooing over DS when he was born saying he was the spit of his dad, he wasn’t at all. They even brought his baby pics round and they looked nothing alike, I just humoured them. DS looked identical to me as a baby but my parents kept quiet in front of my inlaws as it was obviously important to them. I suppose in the years before DNA many a man has unknowingly brought up a baby that isn’t biologically his.

busybarbara · 17/10/2018 19:29

That's unusual to say the least. I wouldn't say it out loud but I tend to think the other way around. My DSes eventual children will have the same surname as me so will feel more like "our" family whereas DDs children will essentially be in another family line

Ploppymoodypants · 17/10/2018 19:33

Apparently there is some science behind the idea that new born babies take on their fathers features and as time goes on develop more of the mothers. Apparently it’s an evolutionary thing, for survival. The thinking behind it is that a father is less likely to abandon a baby and it’s mother at their most vulnerable if he is sure the baby is his, and nature’s way of showing this was to make baby have the fathers features at first.

No idea how true it is, but I can see the reasoning behind it.

OhComeOnRon · 17/10/2018 19:37

I think she maybe worded this badly but I get what she means.
My mum is one of 5, 2 girls 3 boys. The grandchildren via her brothers are much closer to maternal family. And us and my cousin by my auntie are much closer to our maternal family. Just how it normally plays out.
And as others have pointed out- going by the threads on here re MILs I'm not surprised.
A MIL doesn't feel they can pop in, give advice etc whereas a mother would. It's a different relationship.

My MIL doesn't treat our kids any different, but she has 2 daughters who have kids and they spend more time with them just as our kids spend more time with my side.

Clawdy · 17/10/2018 19:37

Well, I think I can safely say my gran did the opposite! She made a huge fuss of her daughter's kids ( me and my sister). But as soon as her son's children appeared, she switched all that love and attention to them, and sis and I were completely overlooked. It didn't bother us, but it made my mum cross! That lasted for the rest of her life, and became a bit of a joke in the end.